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Thread: please help me

  1. #1
    nazeem123's Avatar
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    please help me

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    Assalamu Alaykum

    I am 17, live in the United Kingdom and I am currently in college (before university) so I have just finished my gcse's a year ago.

    I have an issue that has been bothering me for a very long time and I wanted some advice.

    Even though many may say I am at a very young age, I have a strong desire for marriage. People may say that why are you thinking about marriage so early? Get married when you have a stable job and settle down. And how are you going to provide for your wife? She would be too young to move out.

    First of all you are never going to be completely stable or settled down are you. You are always going to have some problems whether it is debt or whatever.

    Secondly, I plan start marriage simply and then advance. What I mean by that is just get a simple nikah but still live with our parents and then move in and everything when the time is right. In a way kind of be boyfriend and girlfriend but in a halal way if that makes sense.

    But at such a young age this is not simple especially in the society and environment I live in. Its not easy to find someone who agrees to this. Someone please advise me.

    Like the main reason I want to get married is because of companionship. I want someone who I can confide and seek comfort in. That type of comfort I feel can only be found in a spouse for me and nobody else.

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    Supernova's Avatar
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    Re: please help me

    Asalaamualaykum:

    There is nothing wrong in what you said and intend. As you have pointed out yourself, this would be socially taboo in many societies.

    The issue here, is balancing what is permissible in Islam against What is wise to do at that particular time and era of your life.
    Example: Islam allows a man 4 wives, but whether he can serve justice to that relationship is another question altogether. I know of many good men who can easily afford more than wife but refrain from it with the Taqwa of not fulfilling the rights.

    In that very same way, Although its permissible for you take a wife, the question is whether you can maintain the relationship. Is it sustainable ?

    One of the reasons that Ulema throughout the world, do encourage some sense of financial stability at the time of getting married, is because many decisions will then remain within the spectrum of the couple. In other words, you dont have to rely on other parties.

    If you speak to many people who experienced or witnessed Talaqs over the years - They will concur with me that all it will take is for your wife to ask you for something, you can't afford it, you then ask your parents (because they are really your backbone financially) and then they say NO !!! Your wife will then start to question who is she really married to here....YOU or Your Parents !!!! (I can list a number of permutations that is a dire recipe for disaster in your situation, that has been experienced by many people world wide.
    please help me

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  4. #3
    HisServant's Avatar
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    Re: please help me

    wa alaikum assalaam,

    I don't think there's anything wrong in starting to look for a wife at this age. However, marriage is most recommended for those who have acquired a certain level of qualifications. Even Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) was working as a businessman before he got marriage, at the age of 25 years.

    On the otherhand, a nikah could be acceptable provided there is agreement, support and understanding on all sides (later on a registered marriage and living together). You would have to be very clear when discussing with a potential what your needs, demands and conditions are. Don't give anyone false hopes etc. As mentioned, there are benefits for this (but it depends too what the other party is willing to accept or forego). It is not as deterred as some think. Vividly remembered a Sheikh from Canada visited my Islamic youth group and openly asked in front of the parents; "Are there any brothers and sisters who would like to be married. I am willing to assist...if there are any two young people here today wanting to be married to each other" Something along those lines. Brave move. I don't recall anyone coming forward, however.

    Additionally, one can find confide in and seek comfort in good righteous friends, mentors, religious leaders in the interim, whilst trying to reach an acceptable level for marriage.

    When getting to know someone for marriage: Observe correct guidelines, appropriate conversations, not being alone but among others (Shaitan is the third if two unmarried are alone). Furthermore, get to know what marriage life should be like. Islamic books for couples, lectures. Ideally, it is stated when two people are independent within themselves then they are able to properly facilitate a better relationship with each other.


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    Ahmed.'s Avatar
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    Re: please help me

    A secret marriage is against the sunnah

    https://islamqa.org/hanafi/zamzam-academy/20466

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    MazharShafiq's Avatar
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    Re: please help me

    Quote Originally Posted by Ahmed. View Post
    A secret marriage is against the sunnah

    https://islamqa.org/hanafi/zamzam-academy/20466
    yes absolutely right
    please help me


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    Ahmed.'s Avatar
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    Re: please help me

    Quote Originally Posted by MazharShafiq View Post
    yes absolutely right
    Yup, I would suggest that if OP isn't so desperate for intimacy and is confident he won't fall into zina, then he shouldn't go for such a potentially harmful secret marraige


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