Problem between Husband & Wife

format_quote Originally Posted by mohhas

Assalam o Alaikum Brothers and Sisters,

Myself Hassan I’ve been married to a very good woman for the last 12 years. A very good relationship full of love, harmony and peace. She cares a lot about me and my kids and I love her very passionately and deeply that even related to a field where you have to see , meet and talk to lots of people of opposite gender I never ever thought about being off track, flirty with them or even tried to be very friendly with them because my whole world revolves around my wife only. She’s world to me and I really can’t explain this feeling and love in words.

For the past 4 or 5 months I was feeling or sensing that something is not all right and my heart kept going to my wife as if she’s doing something that will hurt me and I even saw some of dreams like that. She uses social media like facebook and member of many diet, health and cooking groups and pages over there and even contribute in sense of commenting posting etc I never have had any problem with that (we both know passwords of our phones, everything and no secrets) one day I happened to open her phone and found she’s a member of some secret poetry group and out of nowhere I felt like something’s not right.

I didn’t want to inquire her about it so I started to do some surveillance on her Facebook from my laptop. I never did it in 12 years but this time I don’t know why and what was making me feel something’s wrong and something’s not right anyways her name is saima and I found out that in the group different guys commenting on her poetry posts by calling her lovely nick names like saimi, somi etc. and she even reacted on comments with like and love. I also see her talking with guys in comments and giving hints like as if she’s unmarried. And found that few guys even trying to slightly and lightly flirting with her you know flirting in a joking manner. I started to feel completely depressed and my behavior changed with my wife completely not angry but depressed, hurt and don’t wanted to talk to her so she started to probe and after a lot of trying she happened to find out that I was keeping her in watch so I told her in hints that it’s because she’s doing something she never have done in years and something that doesn’t sound good to me. I didn’t tell her that I had been watching her comments and all that but I said she never joined any poetry group in years like this and all of this sudden change made me worried. So she said there’s nothing wrong don’t worry and said if I want so she may delete herself from the group I said no (what’s the good of asking I rather believe in feel the feelings of other half) anyway after that she started to hesitate whenever I try to hold her phone she didn’t say it but the colors of her face changed every time. It kept going on for around a month and last night I finally burst I love her so much I didn’t shout got angry or anything else like that but I just presented her the screenshots of her comments. She said it’s nothing it’s normal we were just joking so I tried to make her realize that since when light flirting comes under joking??? I further said would it be ok with you If I let other girls call me by sweet nick names ??? will you be ok then ??? won’t it hurt you ?? she went into complete silence and after that kept saying sorry and all the things that were not making any sense to me. I showed her that in few comments you giving hints as if you’re not married so she said being married with you is already in my profile so everybody must know it then I countered the argument that your profile doesn’t show on Facebook group only your friends can see it and moreover even if they know it then why even in joke or funny sense you’re giving them hints that you’re not married because this doesn’t make any sense.
After hours and hours of discussion she didn’t realize the pain or hurt I’m going through although she’s sorry but she says she’s not done anything wrong and comments and all that were just jokes about calling sweet nick names so in that particular group everybody calls each other with sweet nick names.

I said her I’m your husband your mahram what if your brother or your father sees these comments of yours what will be their reaction will they be happy or consider it normal or they be hurt like I’m but she’s stuck on same point she’s not done anything wrong and it was just funny talk , jokes and all that. The funniest part is even after knowing what’s the bone of contention she was asking me that if I say she would delete herself from the group but according to what I feel is she should have done that without myself saying her to do so. Anyways I may be wrong. I just don’t realize what’s so important in the group that she joined four months ago that she’s even unable to delete herself from it on her own??

She was saying sorry and trying to move on but she’s not realizing the pain I’m going through if what she’s saying is good and ok then I must be psychologically unfit what else the reason of myself being depressed and hurt ???


I’m a bit confused brothers and sister I don’t know If I’m being psychologically unfit that I’m over reacting over what’s going on or happened or I’m going through obsessive compulsive disorder I need your help and advice I want to know on this topic that my hurt my depression all these are a justified feelings ??

Should I be feeling this like am I justified??? Or you think that I’m not justified I’m just being over protective possessive and maybe psychologically unfit ???

I just want to clear my mind I know whatever she’s doing it’s just on that particular group on facbeook but I just want to make sure on my side that my hurt and depression are justified or not or else whatever she’s saying is right that there’s nothing wrong and I’m overacting ???

All your kind advises are much appreciated and will help me define the way further.

One of the most highlighted issues that seem to be driving the community astray today is misuse of social media. Social Networking gives people the ease of connecting with anybody around the world in the click (or should I say touch) of a button, and within seconds you could be video-calling a person on the opposite side the world. Sadly, the misuse of this has led to hundreds of unnecessary divorces, suicides, break ups and what not.
After reading your post, I think you need to talk to your wife openly. Just tell her that you feel jealous of any comments she had given on the Facebook. The seed of doubt will only grow and may lead to a broken relationship. It will be more beneficial for you and your wife to stop using Facebook, twitter or Instagram all together. Instead spend the extra time together as family. Go our for walk, have lunch and dinner together, volunteer to help Muslim community, teach kids Quran and stories of the companions of Prophet Muhammad PBUH at home and may be watch some movies together as a family. Keep yourself and your wife busy by setting certain goals such as memorizing a particular surah for example.

I want to end by quoting a hadith which you may already know but I thought it will be a good reminder:

Narrated Jabir (RA) that Allah's Messenger PBUH said: Iblis places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments [for creating dissension]; the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: I did so and so. And he says: You have done nothing. Then one amongst them comes and says: I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife. The Satan goes near him and says: ‘You have done well. He then embraces him.

[Sahih Muslim. Number:2813]

And because of the fact that this bond [between husband and wife] is from the most beloved affairs to Allah and His Messenger, it is from the most hated affairs to the enemy of Allah. Therefore he hastens to split two people who love another for the sake of Allah. Keep this in mind and may Allah protect you and your family from the evils of Satan.

Salaam Brother mohhas,

format_quote Originally Posted by mohhas

I just don’t realize what’s so important in the group that she joined four months ago that she’s even unable to delete herself from it on her own??

She was saying sorry and trying to move on but she’s not realizing the pain I’m going through if what she’s saying is good and ok then I must be psychologically unfit what else the reason of myself being depressed and hurt ???

The believer should think positively of his fellow Muslim and should assume the best, and interpret his affairs in a good way, and he should keep away from suspicion and negative thinking for which there is no basis, because Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning): “O you who believe! Avoid much suspicions, indeed some suspicions are sins. And spy not…” [al-Hujuraat 49:12].

It says in Zawaajir ‘an Iqtiraaf al-Kabaa’ir (2/226): This verse indicates that it is emphatically prohibited to enquire into the private affairs of people and seek out their faults. The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Do not spy on one another, do not compete with one another, do not envy one another, do not hate one another, do not turn your backs with one another, and be, O slaves of Allah, brothers as He has commanded you.” And he (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “O you who have paid lip service to faith but faith has not entered your hearts: do not backbite about the Muslims or seek out their faults, for whoever seeks out the faults of the Muslims, Allah will seek out his faults, and if Allah seeks out a person’s faults, He will expose him even if he is in the innermost part of his house.” It was said to Ibn Mas‘ood (may Allah be pleased with him): What do you think if I tell you about al-Waleed ibn ‘Utbah and wine dripping from his beard? He said: We were forbidden to spy on one another; if he shows us anything amiss in his conduct, then we will take him to task for it. End quote.

From what I gather, you are jealous about your wife's Facebook group and the comments received . And IT'S OKAY to feel that way, she if your wife of 12 years. You need to sit down with your wife one on one immediately, and show her this exact post you've made or read it out loud to her. She needs to hear you say this to understand that this issue is causing you problems, mentally.

Based on the above, you should push away all whispers from the shaytaan that have to do with this matter, and do not give evil any way of reaching you or your family or children. Sit down with your wife and both of you talk as she herself leaves this Facebook group. Talk about the different men who have commented, these are what Shaytaan wants, to make you jealous and make your wife send reply back. Leave that group, do not allow comments from others to get to you and your wife.

If anything, social media can be good in many cases, but it can can also be bad. Social media can DESTROY a marriage, I make dua you and your wife can get through this ordeal. You are definitely okay feeling this way and your wife should respect that. Hobbies are good but we must stay away from sin. Inshallah your marriage succeeds and you and your wife come out ever stronger!