Selfishness, Negativeness

I have this thing, occasionally i'll feel self centred, selfish, greedy, materialistic.

However I strive to better myself, I respect people family and non family members, show courtesy, show compassion, nurture my relations and interactions, pray, do dikhr, do khitmat for my family that live with me.

For outsiders or even my closest family members that do not live with me anymore, i consider them as 'them' seperate to 'us'. I may think about treating them differently compared to if they had been living with me or were still part of my immediate family unit. But it isnt long before the wisdom and rights of haqq pop into my head i end up looking for reasoning and haqq takes over, the feeling of self centredness vanishes.

how do i get rid of these feelings of shallowness ?

i'm a thinker, i think about a lot of things, its crazy, think about positive stuff and negative stuff, i have been going through rough patches the past 7 years and its on and off. the past two years its been getting worse with more negative vibes. it tires me out emotionally, drains me psychologically and physiologically, unbelievable, i am nearly 40 years old, cant be my age can it?.

I am constantly doing isthigfar... this phase is like never ending, a ray of hope and light comes occasionally but doesnt shine for long, before i know it im in darkness again.

i feel very low about my life and everyday is somewhat of a struggle.

my circle of friends is very very small, i dont have any brothers, my family is small and relatives my age have gotten married and moved on with their lives or moved out of town so this explains why i think a lot... because im alone most of the time, and no im not going to burden a local imam either. clearly there is something wrong with me and has been for some time now.

i attend weekly quran class, attend masjid daily, see people regurlarly at masjid for salaah, meet up once or twice a week and play badminton, see my one or two friends every now and then, see relatives once in a long while, im out for work reasons 8 or 9 hours a day, monday to friday.

do i need a long break, im seriously thinking of going to saudi for 2 weeks for worship or do i just need a break from it all, problems will still be here when i get back.

this worldly life doesnt look like it is something for me right now... but i still have to live it until the end of days or life dont i? i try to keep my chin up, head held high, its hard maintaining the positiveness.... one or two days of positiveness, the other 5 days feel worthless, ive been to raqi, he says nothing wrong.

odd thing is .. it sounds like depression, now when i was a child 7 or 8 years old i had 'bouts' of depression (didnt know what it was then) but basically i used to get upset a lot thinking about the not so bright future ahead of me, especially not knowing at that point in time in the eighties whether I would end up in a good happy place or not in the future.....constant thoughts of sadness would linger in my brain during these bouts..... i dont sound normal do i?

what i need is a constant positive distraction.... hard to come by it seems!

I read a variety of duas and vary my methods of worship, my sleep pattern is 6 - 8 hours a day, i take part in sport activities once or twice a week and cycle almost daily short distances to the local mosque, i try to eat healthy greens and vegetables, i utter zikhr everywhere i go and i try to keep my family at home happy, they are my priority.

I watch the news and look at social media, that is also a trigger for negativeness, also contributing to negativeness alongside is my particular set of circumstances and my current hardship being endured, its a struggle despite me even telling myself there are people worse off our there.

any diagnosis or advice please brothers and sisters,,,

please remember me in your prayers, jazak Allah.