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    lazybones18's Avatar
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    Unhappy Islamic Way of dealing with a Toxic mother ?

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    Salam - first time poster seeking advise. I am a muslim

    I am a married 32 year old male living in California. My mother is divorced from my biological father and got re-married to a man who lives in Pakistan. She refuses to lives with her second husband and wants to stay with me in my house in USA. They just talk on the phone and she visits her few times a year.

    My mother has a very toxic personality and in her mind she is always right and the entire world is wrong. Since i got married 2 years ago she is constantly bickering/nagging to my wife on small things such as cleaning, cooking etc etc. My wife hates argument so she just stays quiet whenever my mother throws a tantrum. my wife and myself are very unhappy and we want to find a way to get out of this situation.

    My question is what is the best way to handle this situation? if i tell my mother i dont want to live with her anymore she will threaten me with Islam and how i am suppose to take care of her forever/she is my responsbility. If i tell her she needs to live with her 2nd husband she will just tell me that she will divorce him and dont want to live with him. talking to her and working things out is not a option now as she will never change the way she acts/behave.

    PLease advise.

    Thank You

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    *charisma*'s Avatar
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    Re: Islamic Way of dealing with a Toxic mother ?

    Assalamu Alaikum

    Is it possible to bring your mother's husband to the US so she has some companionship? And is it possible for you to seek your own accommodation with your wife separately from your mother?
    Islamic Way of dealing with a Toxic mother ?

    D e a t h

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    ; ;

    the hardest
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    lazybones18's Avatar
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    Re: Islamic Way of dealing with a Toxic mother ?

    Is it possible to bring your mother's husband to the US so she has some companionship? Yes its very possible but my mother refuses to go this route. She has a lot of problems with her 2nd husband and basically do not want to live with him. so i guess answer is no

    And is it possible for you to seek your own accommodation with your wife separately from your mother? It is possible but when i bring this topic up my mother threatens me how in Islam i am suppose to take care of her.



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    *charisma*'s Avatar
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    Re: Islamic Way of dealing with a Toxic mother ?

    Quote Originally Posted by lazybones18 View Post
    And is it possible for you to seek your own accommodation with your wife separately from your mother? It is possible but when i bring this topic up my mother threatens me how in Islam i am suppose to take care of her.
    Your wife has her rights to live in her own place away from her in-laws. Moving out doesn't mean that you are not taking care of your mom or that you're disobeying her. You can still take care of your mother and treat her fairly by living in your own place. The only issue I see with this is that your mom will be living alone without a mahram, but that is her fault since she isn't giving her own husband his Islamic rights by living with him. She should have been living with her husband instead of impeding on you and your wife's marriage, and she is in fact in the wrong here islamically. Perhaps if you moved into a new place but stayed close to her it would be a better scenario. In any case, remain patient and kind with her. If you choose to move out, that is ok and you shouldn't feel bad about it.
    Islamic Way of dealing with a Toxic mother ?

    D e a t h

    is the easiest
    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
    of all things before it

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    Ahmed.'s Avatar
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    Re: Islamic Way of dealing with a Toxic mother ?

    Assalamu Alaikum

    Unfortunately a lot of the first generation mums from indo/Pak are like this and it is best for your wife to be patient... InshAllah both her and you will be rewarded.

    I'm thinking more in terms of, you have a responsibility to look after your mum and you can't do the cooking for her? and your wife is under your authority and you can get your wife to cook for her and other looking after that she needs. This is the way some cultures are and I think it's Islamic too.

    So, be patient, and inshAllah your wife will learn to deal with your mums bickering and taunting.

    Remember, your mum went through much more hatdship with you just being in her tummy.

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    Mandy's Avatar
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    Re: Islamic Way of dealing with a Toxic mother ?

    Dear brother lazybones18, your mother sounds like she is very attached to you. Yet it is normal for you to want to live your own life.
    What ever route you decide to go, do keep in mind that your mother probably does this because she is attached to you and cares for you. So do be gentle. A mother's hearth can be so easily broken with an unwisely choose word.


    What does her (second) husband thinks of all this? Does he not mind not living in the same country as his wife?

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    Ahmed.'s Avatar
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    Re: Islamic Way of dealing with a Toxic mother ?

    Quote Originally Posted by *charisma* View Post
    Your wife has her rights to live in her own place away from her in-laws. Moving out doesn't mean that you are not taking care of your mom or that you're disobeying her. You can still take care of your mother and treat her fairly by living in your own place. The only issue I see with this is that your mom will be living alone without a mahram, but that is her fault since she isn't giving her own husband his Islamic rights by living with him. She should have been living with her husband instead of impeding on you and your wife's marriage, and she is in fact in the wrong here islamically. Perhaps if you moved into a new place but stayed close to her it would be a better scenario. In any case, remain patient and kind with her. If you choose to move out, that is ok and you shouldn't feel bad about it.
    Assalamualikum Sister.

    Do you have any evidence that a wife has that right? For AFAIK the wife is to obey the husband as long as it's not unreasonable or sinning.

    In Islam, once the children reach adulthood, the parent and children roles are reversed and it's the children's duty (especially the sons', as the daughters marry and go to husbands house) to fully look after their parents, even to the point of cooking and catering to their every need and this would be very difficult if parents and children live separately

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    *charisma*'s Avatar
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    Re: Islamic Way of dealing with a Toxic mother ?

    Quote Originally Posted by Ahmed. View Post
    Assalamualikum Sister.

    Do you have any evidence that a wife has that right? For AFAIK the wife is to obey the husband as long as it's not unreasonable or sinning.

    In Islam, once the children reach adulthood, the parent and children roles are reversed and it's the children's duty (especially the sons', as the daughters marry and go to husbands house) to fully look after their parents, even to the point of cooking and catering to their every need and this would be very difficult if parents and children live separately
    Walaikum Assalaam,

    You're half right. We must be dutiful, respectful, and kind to our parents, but while we are married, our husbands/wives have rights over us as well. We have to find a balance in which we can serve both. That doesn't mean that a wife is forced to live with her in-laws if her husband has the means to give her a dwelling place. If the wife is ok with it, then that is great. But if she is not and her husband has the ability to give her a place, then she can't be made to live with people whom she doesn't feel comfortable around. Also take into consideration if nonmahrems, such as her brothers in law, lived with her parents in law. It would be very uncomfortable to be coerced into staying such as house. The best course of action would be to live close by or take turns as siblings to take care of the parent. It shouldn't feel like a burden nor should it impede into relationships. Food can be sent, visits can be made, chores can be taken care of, gifts can be given, etc. but we don't all have to live under one roof.

    http://www.recitequran.com/tafsir/en.ibn-kathir/65:6
    Applies to divorced women, but if a divorced woman has to have accommodation, then the rights of the wife would be even greater.

    https://islamqa.info/en/answers/7653...usbands-family

    Also please bear in mind that if this is a stipulation in the marriage contract (ie. wife requests to have her own house), then it must be fulfilled. I hope men and women do not get married without knowing the rights they have over each other as husband/wife. It's sad how many rush into it without knowledge and how many problems occur because of it.
    Last edited by *charisma*; 3 Days Ago at 06:49 PM.
    | Likes Mandy, Ahmed. liked this post
    Islamic Way of dealing with a Toxic mother ?

    D e a t h

    is the easiest
    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
    of all things before it

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    Ahmed.'s Avatar
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    Re: Islamic Way of dealing with a Toxic mother ?

    Quote Originally Posted by *charisma* View Post
    Walaikum Assalaam,

    You're half right. We must be dutiful, respectful, and kind to our parents, but while we are married, our husbands/wives have rights over us as well. We have to find a balance in which we can serve both. That doesn't mean that a wife is forced to live with her in-laws if her husband has the means to give her a dwelling place. If the wife is ok with it, then that is great. But if she is not and her husband has the ability to give her a place, then she can't be made to live with people whom she doesn't feel comfortable around. Also take into consideration if nonmahrems, such as her brothers in law, lived with her parents in law. It would be very uncomfortable to be coerced into staying such as house. The best course of action would be to live close by or take turns as siblings to take care of the parent. It shouldn't feel like a burden nor should it impede into relationships. Food can be sent, visits can be made, chores can be taken care of, gifts can be given, etc. but we don't all have to live under one roof.

    http://www.recitequran.com/tafsir/en.ibn-kathir/65:6
    Applies to divorced women, but if a divorced woman has to have accommodation, then the rights of the wife would be even greater.

    https://islamqa.info/en/answers/7653...usbands-family

    Also please bear in mind that if this is a stipulation in the marriage contract (ie. wife requests to have her own house), then it must be fulfilled. I hope men and women do not get married without knowing the rights they have over each other as husband/wife. It's sad how many rush into it without knowledge and how many problems occur because of it.
    JazakAllah Sister, didn't know that so I learnt something today!
    | Likes *charisma* liked this post


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