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Personal Forgiveness / Relationship

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    Akris's Avatar Limited Member
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    Personal Forgiveness / Relationship

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    I'd like you some advice on something that happened in my life and, more specifically, how you forgive others and how you forgive yourself. I feel like this story has taken me further away from Allah and I'd like to have your opinion on what I should do now. I hope you can help me brothers and sisters and that you will not be too judgmental of me . Also, please forgive my English. My native language is French.

    I'm far for being the kind of person who knows a lot about Islam, but I used to be the kind of person who would pray 5 times, fast during the month of Ramadan and do my best to be kind and humble to others. When I was 17 (I will turn 23 soon insha'Allah), I fell in love with a Muslim girl. I viewed her as someone incredibly smart, caring and humble. I had no intention at first to do anything about it, but since she told me that she had feelings for me, I told her the same. Right after telling this to each other, we agreed we wouldn't do anything (in terms of actions) before we're both done with our studies and ready to get married. I knew at that time that what I was doing was wrong, namely I was aware that being in a pre-marital relationship is forbidden, which is why I told myself (and I know it was not right) that if I don't do anything (no hand-holding, no "I love you" messages) I'd be able to make this work without it being 100% Haram.

    So, for the next 5 years, this girl and I didn't do anything apart from being close friends (we would help each other for our studies, we'd talk about personal problems, ...). I don't usually talk to girls (especially not about this stuff), but again she was no ordinary girl to me. Alhamdulillah, I've always been at ease when it comes to my studies, so at the age 22 I was done with my Master's degree and I was ready to get married (she was 21 at the time and she was almost done). When I told her that it is time, she told me she didn't have the same feelings she used to. I was really devastated and hurt, so much so that I would have panic attacks and would throw up very often. This is the period during which I sort of distanced myself from Allah and Islam in general. I gave up on prayer. I didn't feel well, I felt like I was a total failure and I had suicidal thoughts.

    A little later, I discovered that she had been having similar "stories" with other guys before she told me she didn't have feelings for me anymore (nothing other than telling them she liked them and remaining close with them, just like she did with me). I asked her for explanations, but she cleverly denied. I managed to find proof, and I asked again. Her answer was "Nothing actually happened between us. Yes, when I was young, there was this conversation where we told each other about our feelings. That's it. There was nothing more, no real formalization. We didn't even hold hands. I was very young and telling you that I had feelings for you didn't mean I was in a relationship. You were just a guy that I fancied, there is really nothing more to it than that." At that moment I think I've never been so furious. I'm angry at myself first because I've let those feelings for this girl drive me away from my faith. I willingly decided to tell her that I had romantic feelings for her, knowing that it was wrong because I thought I could make this right. I am also very angry at her for being so deceitful, to say the least.

    I've started praying again, after almost year. I've asked for forgiveness for my sins to Allah multiple times. However, when it comes forgiving myself for what I did, I feel like I am unable to do that and it makes me feel very anxious and angry when I think about it. I am also very angry at this girl, and I feel like a hypocrite to ask Allah for forgiveness, but I'm unable to forgive her or myself.I'd like to have your advice on what I should do now as I feel kind of lost. Do not hesitate to be harsh or direct with me if you really feel like I messed up.Best regards,Akris
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    *charisma*'s Avatar Super Moderator
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    Re: Personal Forgiveness / Relationship

    Assalamu Alaikum,

    You shouldn't have maintained a relationship with her for this long, but Allah will have mercy on you Inshallah. I know that you are hurt, but you have to move on. Look at the positive side of things which is that you didn't commit zina or spend more than 5 years waiting for this girl. You still have time to grow and mature. It isn't fair to have someone commit to you while they are so young or for you to commit to someone, especially when you didn't ask for her hand. As you get older your life changes. Who I was at 17 is not the same as who I am now. Even my preferences in the company I keep around has changed. Your life will change too and your preference for girls will probably change as well. Your heart is broken but I'm sure this is a memorable lesson which will help you in the future. Now you know that if you like a girl, ask for her hand properly and stay steadfast in your prayers because no one is worth making you leave it. This is Allah's mercy on you because if this girl had been good for you, you wouldn't have left your prayers. In fact, you would have turned to Allah and trust your fate in His hands and understood that what he took away was for your benefit and if she is destined for you then He will send her to you in a better time. Forgive yourself, forgive her, and improve your life for your future wife Inshallah.
    Personal Forgiveness / Relationship

    D e a t h

    is the easiest
    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
    of all things before it
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  4. #3
    Studentofdeed's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: Personal Forgiveness / Relationship

    I'm going to be honest...like you I was trying to be religious but i had no idea relationships were haram. I was conned and deceived into a relationship by a woman. In this relationship she would abuse me. You deserve far better than this woman. She clearly isnt fearful of allah because a true believer doesnt go around telling boys, "I fancy you" and string them for 5 years. I do not blame you as men can be weak but know you and I know our mistakes. Stay away from women. Marry one but MAKE SURE SHE FOLLOWS ISLAM 1000 percent. Not those people who claim or wear hijab but their personality isnt hijab. Allah saved you from this women. Do you really want to marry a women like this who after you get married could proceed to have more affairs? I'm not going to tell you to forgive her because then I would be a hypocrite. Because she did wrong you and that is messed up. But I will say look for a religous woman who truly fears allah.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Just repent and inshallah Allah will forgive you. He will be more happier that you are coming back then a man on a brink of death who lost his camel with all his food but he found it and said " oh allah I'm your god and your my servant". Make taubah. Allah make it easier for you brother. This pain and depression is a sign of love of allah brother. Do not give up. Allah tests those who he loves. May Allah bless you in both lives and give you the best spouse you could ever hope for
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    Akris's Avatar Limited Member
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    Re: Personal Forgiveness / Relationship

    I did ask for her hand. Though she denies it, I am sure we told each other that we wanted to marry each other and build a family together. Granted, this wasn't the proper way to do it, but still.
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    Studentofdeed's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: Personal Forgiveness / Relationship

    You deserve far better man. And we all make mistakes but as long as you make taubah, all is well. If you want to talk more feel free to pm me. But do not worry, inshallah, almighty will you give you 10x time better than this
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    Hamza Asadullah's Avatar Moderator
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    Re: Personal Forgiveness / Relationship

    format_quote Originally Posted by Akris View Post
    I'd like you some advice on something that happened in my life and, more specifically, how you forgive others and how you forgive yourself. I feel like this story has taken me further away from Allah and I'd like to have your opinion on what I should do now. I hope you can help me brothers and sisters and that you will not be too judgmental of me . Also, please forgive my English. My native language is French.

    I'm far for being the kind of person who knows a lot about Islam, but I used to be the kind of person who would pray 5 times, fast during the month of Ramadan and do my best to be kind and humble to others. When I was 17 (I will turn 23 soon insha'Allah), I fell in love with a Muslim girl. I viewed her as someone incredibly smart, caring and humble. I had no intention at first to do anything about it, but since she told me that she had feelings for me, I told her the same. Right after telling this to each other, we agreed we wouldn't do anything (in terms of actions) before we're both done with our studies and ready to get married. I knew at that time that what I was doing was wrong, namely I was aware that being in a pre-marital relationship is forbidden, which is why I told myself (and I know it was not right) that if I don't do anything (no hand-holding, no "I love you" messages) I'd be able to make this work without it being 100% Haram.

    So, for the next 5 years, this girl and I didn't do anything apart from being close friends (we would help each other for our studies, we'd talk about personal problems, ...). I don't usually talk to girls (especially not about this stuff), but again she was no ordinary girl to me. Alhamdulillah, I've always been at ease when it comes to my studies, so at the age 22 I was done with my Master's degree and I was ready to get married (she was 21 at the time and she was almost done). When I told her that it is time, she told me she didn't have the same feelings she used to. I was really devastated and hurt, so much so that I would have panic attacks and would throw up very often. This is the period during which I sort of distanced myself from Allah and Islam in general. I gave up on prayer. I didn't feel well, I felt like I was a total failure and I had suicidal thoughts.

    A little later, I discovered that she had been having similar "stories" with other guys before she told me she didn't have feelings for me anymore (nothing other than telling them she liked them and remaining close with them, just like she did with me). I asked her for explanations, but she cleverly denied. I managed to find proof, and I asked again. Her answer was "Nothing actually happened between us. Yes, when I was young, there was this conversation where we told each other about our feelings. That's it. There was nothing more, no real formalization. We didn't even hold hands. I was very young and telling you that I had feelings for you didn't mean I was in a relationship. You were just a guy that I fancied, there is really nothing more to it than that." At that moment I think I've never been so furious. I'm angry at myself first because I've let those feelings for this girl drive me away from my faith. I willingly decided to tell her that I had romantic feelings for her, knowing that it was wrong because I thought I could make this right. I am also very angry at her for being so deceitful, to say the least.

    I've started praying again, after almost year. I've asked for forgiveness for my sins to Allah multiple times. However, when it comes forgiving myself for what I did, I feel like I am unable to do that and it makes me feel very anxious and angry when I think about it. I am also very angry at this girl, and I feel like a hypocrite to ask Allah for forgiveness, but I'm unable to forgive her or myself.I'd like to have your advice on what I should do now as I feel kind of lost. Do not hesitate to be harsh or direct with me if you really feel like I messed up.Best regards,Akris
    Assalamu Alaikum,

    My brother you made a naive error and have repented for it so don't be too hard on yourself now. The whole point of being weak humans who are prone to sin is so that we may learn from our errors and turn back to Allah in repentance and strive to be closer to him.

    Our enemy shaythan wants the opposite. He wants us to fall down after a devastating incident in our lives and become disillusioned and lose hope. He wants us to not be able to forgive ourselves and turn to other things that will help us "block out" the devastation that we feel rather than turning to Allah and pouring our heart out to him in prostration.

    These examples of pre marital relationships teach us that no matter how "good" we think someone is and how "perfect" we perceive our connection for them to be, we must never allow ourselves to fall for that person before marriage especially if both parties are not in the position to get married. This is because marriage is not guaranteed up until it actually happens. So giving your heart to someone outside of marriage will almost always result in devastation.

    The right thing to do is to cut off all contact until both of you are ready for marriage and if you both feel the same way then get both families involved immediately. That way you leave it to Allah whether marriage takes place it not and trust in him that if it is meant to be then it will happen. But if you continue in a relationship then you have a false hope that you will spend your lives together and when it doesn't happen then all that time will be wasted and result in utter devastation and leave a person scarred for a long time.

    However in your situation you should thank Allah that he saved you from potentially much more sin especially as many of these premarital relationships result in forbidden physical relations. You should also realise that if this person was not right for you then it could have resulted in a harmful marriage in which the effects of potential divorce would have been far worse.

    So once you have asked for forgiveness then forgive yourself as life is a learning curve for everyone of us and we will make many mistakes along the way but no matter what happens in our lives we must never abandon our relationship with Allah. In fact we should strive to get even closer to him for our trust must only be for him.

    Please read the following thread for more help and advice particularly for those who are experiencing devastation resulting from pre marital relationships:

    How to get through the pain from a pre-marital relationship

    May Allah save all of our brothers and sisters from getting into premarital relationships and the harmful results which then follow. Ameen
    Personal Forgiveness / Relationship

    How to get through Hardships & trials in life:

    https://www.islamicboard.com/advice-...mp-trials.html

    How to overcome Waswas (insinuating whispers of shaythan) in Worship:

    https://www.islamicboard.com/advice-...d-worship.html

    10 Steps to Increasing Imaan & getting closer to Allah:

    https://www.islamicboard.com/manners...d-version.html

    https://www.islamicboard.com/manners...ser-allah.html
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