Thread: How to deal with mean impatient wife

Originally Posted by Stoic

Not a day goes by she doesn't get mad even the littleist thing. Example make an honest mistake and gets angry even if she knew it was a mistake and will be like "WHY DO YOU THAT" or " WHATEVR"

You cannot change her and she will not change for you either. So you have two choices:

A) Accept her faults and look at her other positive attributes and see if you can withstand those faults and enjoy her other positive attributes
or
B) Divorce her and find someone more compatible with your personalities.

If you have children with her then you simply have to pay her, her iddah and financially support the children and move on and find someone better where she can make you happier. Life is too short to be under victim hood or feel oppressed or sacrifice or feel unhappy.

Originally Posted by Stoic

Not a day goes by she doesn't get mad even the littleist thing. Example make an honest mistake and gets angry even if she knew it was a mistake and will be like "WHY DO YOU THAT" or " WHATEVR"

Can you give a few example so that we can better help you?

Originally Posted by xboxisdead

A) Accept her faults and look at her other positive attributes and see if you can withstand those faults and enjoy her other positive attributes
or
B) Divorce her and find someone more compatible with your personalities.

Brother, you are jumping at divorce a bit quickly. Especially without having a better description of the problem.

Originally Posted by Mandy

Can you give a few example so that we can better help you?




Brother, you are jumping at divorce a bit quickly. Especially without having a better description of the problem.

No I agree. I am simply saying if he cannot stand it. If he is going to sacrifice then do not do it. Either accept her faults and move on...or simply move on and find someone he can withstand. It is better for her as well. Especially if she is still young, this way he gives her a chance to move on and find someone who can make her happy too.

I have proper background insight into the brothers family life and background and mentality of wife as he told us in previous threads/post.

Brother, all I can say is, take xboxes advice, and just be ready for her to eventually tell you she wants out, I hope it doesn't happen, but be mentally prepared just in case

Let me guess, it's her house and you are somewhat dependent on her?

No woman who wants to spend the rest of her life with a man will want him to live in abject humiliation like this

Originally Posted by Ahmed.

I have proper background insight into the brothers family life and background and mentality of wife as he told us in previous threads/post.

Brother, all I can say is, take xboxes advice, and just be ready for her to eventually tell you she wants out, I hope it doesn't happen, but be mentally prepared just in case

Let me guess, it's her house and you are somewhat dependent on her?

No woman who wants to spend the rest of her life with a man will want him to live in abject humiliation like this

OH WAIT! Hold on! Wait, wait, wait....I didn't know this. The OP is living in the house that belongs to this wife and not his and he is dependent on her (meaning she is Qayama over him)?

OOooh boy! This is not going to work. I am surprised he lasted this long. Ones the role is reversed the foundation of this marriage is going to be build on a very shaky ground. First the wife is going to resent her husband. She will disrespect him. She will be ultra-controlling, she will look at him like he is a big child and not a grown man which multiply the disrespect to him. She resents the fact that she is taking of all the affair....when have a grown man she have to take care of. She feels she doesn't need you which adds further formula for making the foundation of marriage even more shaken. The more she is qayama the more she loses he femininity and the more masculinity will rub on her and her face. Even her facial features will be more masculine. She will treat him like a child and therefore nick pick at very fault he makes and it amplifies 800 times over. Scenarios such as:

"WHY DIDN'T YOU CLEAN THE DISHES?"

"I TOLD you the spoons goes here!!?"

"Didn't I tell you to throw the garbage!!?"

She will magnify everything a hundred times over. That is why I believe education should be pushed for boys such as science, engineering, doctors, lawyers, reading, writing, etc. and they get high end salary wages. They need to be in the front. They need to be leaders. It have to be a patriarchal society...otherwise the entire system will fail...family breakup will fail..society will fail....marriage will fail. Not only men want it but women want it too. The mere fact women ruling at homes fails and marriage is miserable and break up and is a great statistical research and proof that it doesn't work and the man have to be head of the household. Whether the man or woman like it or not. I told my mom if I do ever get married and I have no decision making to raising the children or in the house affair..I said to her...I better off let her stay with her mother and father and I live alone and pay money from far. I will be happy and she will be happy.

You my friend IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE of not been the head of the household...you act like a child and she is your mother...get your things straighten out. Go back to school if you must and get proper skills and education...make more money...move out of her home and have her be in your home instead. If she is working, tell her all the money she makes she get to keep it. You do not want any help from her, thank her for the time she helped you and you be responsible in bringing the money and proper decision making. Be the head of the household! Take as much as the load of responsibility from her shoulder and you put them on your shoulder instead. Let her return back to her feminine state! She should focus on beautifying herself, act feminine, she wants to take the money she is working to buy shoes and knickknacks and if that makes her happy let her do it. You are the one who should be going under the rain and cold temperature and get risk of been hit on the car to go out and work and build society!

But maybe it is too late for this marriage. I am unsure.

I feel for you brother, i went through something similar, i myself i tried to help her or get help for her, it just didnt work out.... and we had to depart.

i myself had to endure such behaviours, many times i was on the receiving end of 'whatever!', 'not bothered', and 'i dont care!' many times...

i personally think mean people need their hearts softened... its only when it softens you see a more compassionate kind side....

if your wife continues to be hard hearted all the time and shows no commitment to understand some basic morals of humanity (youve got a better chance of it coming from someone being religious etc, but not everyone who prays understands the bigger picture about humanity), its going to be tough for you and if it doesnt get any better and your patience wears out, it may bring you down from a variety of levels and a lot of stuff with it, i.e. your self esteem, your confidence, your mentality, your mindset.

do you have children? i do and my journey during the marriage and from seperation has been a tremendous tragedy unfortunately.

while you still have your wife living with you, you have to find that middle ground or have that understanding, how long do you think at least one person in the marriage stay unhappy for????

the aims should be to
achieve maturity, this 'whatever' type is somewhat childish in my view.. so you lead by example and encourage her to let go of that kind of behaviour... you do know kids pick up on that stuff and its negative.,
look for wisdom in marriages and learn about it together, it can be challenging learning with someone who cant or doesnt want to learn, but youve got to try brother. you never know she may pull through for you....
keep up your prayers, improve your knowledge in our sunnah, encourage her to pray too, as you already know when a person has taqwa, they are more likely to think twice before acting in such ways that may upset other people....

i dont know what else to say to you except i think id understand if you felt you were at a dead end... if you are then its out of your hands.... and miracles can only from Allah swt only if you are destined for it or if he decides to answer your call if he sees fit...

Originally Posted by Imraan

I feel for you brother, i went through something similar, i myself i tried to help her or get help for her, it just didnt work out.... and we had to depart.

i myself had to endure such behaviours, many times i was on the receiving end of 'whatever!', 'not bothered', and 'i dont care!' many times...

i personally think mean people need their hearts softened... its only when it softens you see a more compassionate kind side....

if your wife continues to be hard hearted all the time and shows no commitment to understand some basic morals of humanity (youve got a better chance of it coming from someone being religious etc, but not everyone who prays understands the bigger picture about humanity), its going to be tough for you and if it doesnt get any better and your patience wears out, it may bring you down from a variety of levels and a lot of stuff with it, i.e. your self esteem, your confidence, your mentality, your mindset.

do you have children? i do and my journey during the marriage and from seperation has been a tremendous tragedy unfortunately.

while you still have your wife living with you, you have to find that middle ground or have that understanding, how long do you think at least one person in the marriage stay unhappy for????

the aims should be to
achieve maturity, this 'whatever' type is somewhat childish in my view.. so you lead by example and encourage her to let go of that kind of behaviour... you do know kids pick up on that stuff and its negative.,
look for wisdom in marriages and learn about it together, it can be challenging learning with someone who cant or doesnt want to learn, but youve got to try brother. you never know she may pull through for you....
keep up your prayers, improve your knowledge in our sunnah, encourage her to pray too, as you already know when a person has taqwa, they are more likely to think twice before acting in such ways that may upset other people....

i dont know what else to say to you except i think id understand if you felt you were at a dead end... if you are then its out of your hands.... and miracles can only from Allah swt only if you are destined for it or if he decides to answer your call if he sees fit...

Amazing......you are repeating everything I said...but I have it more summarized and can be used over and over and over..while your statement can only be used for this brother and his wife and more verbose.

OP..look at my reply...everyone else replying down below are simply repeating what I said but in their own way. If this topic was to be closed at my reply you would have gotten the best answer you are looking for. Now...it is in your hands to decide where you want to go from there!

Originally Posted by Ahmed.

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my point was, not that she will automatically desrespect him because he is living in wife's house, because a woman who loves her husband and wants to live with him for life will respect him nonetheless and let him feel like it's his own house...

Now if it was his house (I. E. She isn't so confident that she is secure in the house if relationship ends) then she'd have to have mental problems to treat him like that

From OP'S previous posts I know she's had a hard life and bad unIslamic upbringing, but not that she's mentally ill

You could call me a bit of psychologist and relationship expert if you like but from the impression I get of his wife's character and motives is that she (and her teenage daughter) are finding it hard and incompatible with a good religious guy like @Stoic and she was probably just after a baby to stay out of work and get benefits and now she's got the baby, she wants him out

Sorry Stoic I don't mean to criticize your wife or desrespect you, I only mean to make things clear to you as to her possible motives

Well I hope all women know that just because you have obtained the thing you want out of your husband does not mean you have the right to throw him out of the house. His rights over you is enormous to a point that the prophet peace be upon him have said that if the husband was to order the wife to carry a giant boulder from one mountain to another she have to do it. I think women missed the point of husband rights and the reason they missed that point because society have made sure that husbands rights are below even animal rights.

Let the OP wife know that if she got the baby out of him that he have rights over the child and that child have rights over him and that the mother cannot be the obstacle between father and child. If she managers to break the relationship between husband and child and turn the child into enemy and cut ties between the father and child, let the mother know that she have Allah's wrath and anger on her. If the mother doesn't give a <censor> about Allah and his anger and wrath on her...then all I have to say is...to the OP that I am sorry you did not marry a fearing Muslim woman. What can I say then? All the OP have to do at that point...is be happy to know that his wife or soon to be ex-wife will make sure that he the OP will have high reward in paradise. Because through her evil act and because she WILL SUCCESSFULLY make the daughter hate the father...SUCCESSFULLY...she will raise the next generation of teenager mothers (if a divorce should happen and if the wife succeeds in cutting ties between father and daughter) and possibly a non-Muslim daughter...usually girls more prone than boys to leave Islam...at an alarming rate (especially when fathers have no right or input or existence around the daughter).....that the daughter will go out stripping, naked, have relationship with boyfriends or even get knocked up...because she is going to be seeking for that missing father link that the mother will successfully make sure she will have missed and then in the day of judgement when everyone will have the sun above their heads and hellfire in front of them ...they all at that point want to save their skin "Nafsi, nafsi, nafsi" people will be chanting....

that point OP...take your rights from your wife and daughter and get all their good deeds from them....and here is another cliche...of a woman who have successfully destroyed her akhira and her children's akhira for the minuscule success of gratification of destroying her family and the man's family...

This is...EXACTLY...what happens when women think like that. Reminder to all women out there....wake up ..before you are the next statistic....and men...next time....avoid marrying women like this and if you end up with women like that and you have children and you really care for your kids...do not sacrifice because you are not helping your kids you are making it worse and condoning evil behavior and if you have daughters they think it is ok and if you have sons they will grow up weak.

so we got along for couple days...Now...shes says shes done with me and want to separate becuz I didn't have intercourse with her. Came home late from work but wanted her to sleep cuz she had a long day too and then that morning woke up late 15 mins till the end of fajr but she wanted to play but I wanted to pray before time over so...thats that

Originally Posted by Stoic

so we got along for couple days...Now...shes says shes done with me and want to separate becuz I didn't have intercourse with her. Came home late from work but wanted her to sleep cuz she had a long day too and then that morning woke up late 15 mins till the end of fajr but she wanted to play but I wanted to pray before time over so...thats that

Don't despair. Allah (Subhannu Wa Talaa) will replace her with someone better than her. She is the entrance mat of your door step and this one is not good. Broken, stinky, etc. Get a better one. Kids or no kids you are a man, not a woman, you have rights different than a woman, fulfill your obligation to your children financially and move on (if you have children from her). if your kids want nothing to do with you, don't despair. Allah will replace them with better ones who will give you your rights from the new wife. Your focus now should be is filling your bag with good deeds for your trip to the afterlife. Don't let this silly time wasting thing called wives and children distract you from your purpose in life.

Such...trivial..and vain...all this drama...bleeegh.....- closes eyes and shakes head hard - I just have headache thinking about it. Bro, stoic, move on. Forget her. Divorce her and obtain peace. I want men to have peace of mind, peaceful men means peaceful society. The point of marriage really and the point of having a wife is that she is suppose to uplift and recharge him when society beats him down as he come from work. She suppose to be his stress reliever so that he recharges full force and handle the demons waiting for him outside. Children are bonus but to be honest the biggest importance is that. Children are blessing and means of increasing the ummah and strengthening the Muslim community. But children will do no good if the wife fails in her duties and these children will become a burden to society and not a blessing.

Your wife have failed. I do not care about trying to understand her mental problem and it is your duty to figure her out and psychoanalysis her and try to please her and kiss her feet and put her on your shoulder and submit to her and obey her and and and and.....A happy wife a happy life...WRONG. This is not Islam. This is Western feminism society. Sorry. You are entering liberalism and secularism and feminism...and my friend that is not your duty to obey and submit to your wife and please her. She failed as a wife and she failed in giving you, your rights and she failed in being a good Muslim woman and a saleh woman and ALLAH fearing woman. Because ALLAH fearing woman would say, "O husband" and she will start the sentence with "O' if she is truly a good Muslim woman not "John" or "Ahmed" or "Yo" or "HEY" or "IDIOT" or "Husband" no..she starts it with "O" first then followed by "husband" second. I am afraid I will not fulfill my duty as a good wife to you and give you, your rights. I am going to ask for khula and I will give you back all the money and gift you have given me.

THAT is when I respect your wife. THAT when I look at her as a good Muslim woman. Divorce her! D...i....v....o....r.....c.....e her!

Originally Posted by Scimitar

What’s her side of the story?

That I'm really slow in general. I dont do enuff says I'm a good person but need to improve on other things. Apparently I need to be "a bad boy"

Originally Posted by Stoic

Capture+_2019-10-26-00-19-22-1.jpg

Also I tried to make everything good again by touching her and she just goes "don't touch me. It's for your own benefit"....o how I wanted to counter that with something of her past like why didnt you say that to xxxxxx but I know not good digging into past. I can only try to be kind and nice to her and not fight fire with fire

Doesnt look good. Shes wanting an exit, just hope her mind isnt made up definitively. You need to speak to her and her expectations. If they are beyond that of our religious norms and impossible for you to fulfill then theres nothing else you can do apart from be patient. If her patience has expired then you'll know soon enough. If her expectations are within religious norms and possible for you to fulfill. Re-assure her that you will do it or try and explain it's a reciprocal thing... you should meet her expectations and she should meet yours... (again from a religious level) after all it's a contract between you and her, any shortcomings will have to be answered for later.

Whatever you do, make sure you yourself dont escalate anything. For I fear she just needs a push, a reason, any reason, any excuse to leave as a means of lessening any guilt she may face from any potential seperation.

Originally Posted by Stoic

O lawd...here she goes again...come back from work and she's being all nice like sorry and giving me a hug made me food and stuff and I naturally touch back. Talk a bit what want from each other like respect and affection and communication. She asked me to get my keys and I hand it to her then she just scoff like "your key!!?!!" I didn't know she just meant the car key alone!!! Even tho its probably my dumb self knowing she just needs the car key and not the house key becuz going to car dealership to get new car as she she tossed the house keys from the ring to my lap as I was sitting instead of handing it

Normal for her to often say..."I feel empty"...

? Told her just keep busy and productive