Assalamualaikum to All. Long story short. I was Christian and converted to Islam because I felt peace in being a Muslim. I am divorced woman and met a Muslim man. This man said he wants to marry me and over video call he married me without witness. I know this is not the correct way but that time I felt everything was right. And we started living together (Which is another big crime I have committed). None of our family members know. He would tell me to wait for the right time. He also told me that before going to Hajj he will lawfully marry me and keep me with his family. After few months I got to know I am pregnant and that's when everything changed. He started abusing me mentally, he even went physical. He wanted abortion and sent me to my mother. But I didn't want abortion as I have previously committed this sin, for years I didn't get pregnant when I was married to my first husband, and I knew that I became infertile, I regretted badly and would cry and I promised Allah that I will not commit this sin again. I came to my Mother and I told her that I am pregnant with the child of my x husband. I could not tell her anything about the man I really was with and about my conversion to Islam as I didn't want matters to become more worse. Thanks to Allah that my mother accepted the child. Now I am 7 months pregnant living with my mother and she is the one who is financially helping me. I am getting a huge support from my mother.
The thing is my child's father does not know actually what is really happening. I stopped talking to him by switching off my phone and totally disconnecting myself from everything as he was mentally abusing me, calling me and my mother names everyday. He would ignore me. All he wanted was abortion and he told me he will continue to live with me if only I abort. I was scared as he threatened me that he knows a lot of criminals and could harm me (he is a lawyer) so I told him I aborted(I didn't give him my current address and I am living in another city far from him). Oh and another thing after I came to my mother he also told me that he got married to another woman so I should abort the child. I was so mentally depressed and lonely, I stopped talking to everyone accept my mother. I used to pray and cry to Allah to give me the strength and Allah did give me strength to go through my pregnancy, I can feel it. Recently nearly after 1.5 months I switched on phone and my child's father called me and I received. He was being very nice, I guess he thought I already had abortion but when he understood that I didn't abort he got angry with me again and told me I destroyed his life and I cheated on him by keeping the child. He said he will never forgive me or call me and will hate me forever, (the same things he told me before too) and then he disconnected the line, I didn't call him back or send him any message, I just switched off my phone again and its been 17 days. One thing I want to clear from my side I didn't use my baby as a weapon to get him, I had no intention at all, I didn't want to destroy his life, I really love him, I just wanted that he himself accepts both of us but I didn't force him to. Now I want to know is that 1) Am I really cheating on him by keeping my baby, 2) How did I destroy his life 3) Should I inform him after baby is born.
Please help me with some advice.
By the sounds of it, this man is very bad and you really should cut off all connection with him and not want to be with him as he would probably keep on hurting you and if he is dangerous as you say, then that puts you in greater danger as he would feel he can hurt you as badly as he wants and get away with it.
He is probably lying about wanting to marry you in future and was just after intimacy with you. That will be his reason for wanting to see you/stay with you in future too and that will be haram without marraige
If your mum supports you then I'm sure the baby will be supported so you don't need this bad man in your life... And InshAllah you will find someone decent and good to marry all in good time
And NO you are not cheating on him by keeping the baby as abortion is sinful and after the foetus is four months in womb, abortion amounts to murder so abortion isn't an option anymore
There's no point in informing him after baby is born as he thinks this is a nightmare for him so why inform him when you should really want nothing to do with him anymore
He is saying you've destroyed his life as he feels trapped into being part of baby's life now (and probably worried his family will find out at some point), so if it is a thing of sorrow and trouble for him, you might as well leave him out of your and baby's life
1) You did not cheat on him by keeping the child alive because it is haram to kill a baby
2) You did NOT destroy his life. He destroyed his own life and it will stay like that for as long as he keeps that attitude
3) I suggest you completely cut off your connections with him. You guys aren't married, he said he married another woman. It is best for you to find a husband who will treat you well.
Now I understand that you had no idea how marriage worked at the time, but if he did know, and he set you up like that.. Thats even more messed up.
I understand that it may be hard to let go, but this man is VERY toxic and you have to stay away before he ruins you. I would just delete his contact too.
My sister, know Allah loves you and you deserve a far greater man than this guy. He does not deserve you. No where is it your fault as you have been manipulated by a toxic man. This man is dangerous so block him and dont even look at his social media. I know what it is like to love someone while they are enjoying their life and are really evil. But know Allah is just and he will hold him accountable. So do not worry about him, as those who harm others will get their deserts. Please focus on yourself and your child and repent and Allah will forgive you. The fact you became a muslim shows you are already more pure than some of us as allah forgives all of your previous sins. Just ask Allah to forgive you and have faith. May Bless you with the best of both worlds and keep you strong
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Eventually you will be like me thanking Allah that you didnt marry him just like I thank Allah I did not marry an abusive person
I know I have sinned and I admit. I am praying everyday to Allah and repenting. During first few months I would really feel so lonely and depressed, I used to cry and cry, but as days went by it seems like Allah gave me the strength to look after my self and my unborn baby. I feel that what has happened made me come more close to Allah. It's just that sometimes I feel guilty when I think about what he said that I destroyed his life and cheated on him, and I also thought I am the one to be blamed that I kept the baby. That is the reason why I really needed some advice and I landed up in this site as I cannot discuss everything with my mother and the community I live in will judge me so badly(I know I deserve it) that I will not be able to continue with my pregnancy properly. I completely detached myself from everyone. Its just my mom, my baby and me. Thanks to Allah for helping me out.
Dont feel sad. Be patient . Allah is Most Merciful. Think why did you convert to islam? Because Allah showed His mercy to you. You must hide your sin. Keep it secret to Allah only. In sha Allah He will forgive you. Dont despair Allah mercy,
Quran 39:53
Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful."
Allah is so Forgiving that He forgives shirk which is gravest sin if you made sincere repentance.
Put your strong trust and faith in Allah. You will find Him sufficient for you in sha Allah. Dont feel bad. Be patient, leave that man. Leave him alone to be judged by Allah.
Do not say that you deserve to be judged. It is Allah who is Judge. He does no injustice to His slaves. No one knows your intention. It is He who knows what is in your heart. Keep asking Him to forgive you and show His mercy to you.
Do more dikhr, read Quran, also read islamic history like stories of prophets and also companion of Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him. This will make your faith strong in sha Allah.
I know I have sinned and I admit. I am praying everyday to Allah and repenting. During first few months I would really feel so lonely and depressed, I used to cry and cry, but as days went by it seems like Allah gave me the strength to look after my self and my unborn baby. I feel that what has happened made me come more close to Allah. It's just that sometimes I feel guilty when I think about what he said that I destroyed his life and cheated on him, and I also thought I am the one to be blamed that I kept the baby. That is the reason why I really needed some advice and I landed up in this site as I cannot discuss everything with my mother and the community I live in will judge me so badly(I know I deserve it) that I will not be able to continue with my pregnancy properly. I completely detached myself from everyone. Its just my mom, my baby and me. Thanks to Allah for helping me out.
Sister, I'll tell you one other thing that will help you put your mind at ease and not feel guilty for cutting out the 'father' from the baby's life.
Since the child has been conceived out of wedlock, under Islamic law, the 'father' is NOT the legal father of the child, so he doesn't have any legal rights over the baby at all (rights such as to see him etc). You are the legal as well as the biological Mum.
Thanks for the advice. I can certainly put my heart at ease and not feel guilty. I do pass my time by watching prophet stories and especially shows on youtube by Mufti Menk, Tariq Jameel, and Nouman Ali Khan. I cannot read the Quran in Arabic but I do have the English Translation and Inshallah I will learn to read the Quran in Arabic. Just hoping and praying that Allah will shower his mercy on me and especially on my baby and lead us to the right direction. I am totally relying on Allah.
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