is it normal behaviour for wives or is this abnormal ?

format_quote Originally Posted by ahmedc123

Salaams,

my wife and i are always arguing, she never agrees with or remains neutral on anything at all.
she always speaks with a raised tone or voice, and her main issue it seems is she over reacts with everything, even normal day to day things. ie she makes a mountain out of a molehill. You cant even have a conversation.
You cannot even make a choice or an opinion without her putting me down, she cannot allow me to have
an opinion or personal preferance, on anything.
I am a strong, intelligent, and considerate person, and everything is done and provided to the family.
If we make up or apologise, you can guarantee withing minutes it will be the same thing again.
I have survived by thinking in my mind she cant help this.
is this normal ? do any of you brothers have similar wives, is it me ? are most women like this ?
I am concluding i need a new wife, i need some happiness

Assalam O Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh,

Marriage, as prescribed by Allah, is the lawful union of a man and a woman based on mutual consent. Ideally, the purpose of marriage is to foster a state of tranquility, love and compassion in Islam, but it seems like that’s missing from your life. Islam discourages divorce but, unlike some religions, does make provisions for divorce by either party. It is important for you to take your time and follow the general guidelines as described in Quran for divorce.
Allah provides general guidelines for the process of divorce with emphasis on both parties upholding the values of justice and kindness in formalizing the end to their marriage (see [Quran 2: 224-237] for general guidelines regarding divorce). I will list steps below for you to follow an Islamic way of divorcing your wife.

Step 1: Try to reconcile:

When a marriage is in danger, couples are advised to pursue all possible remedies to rebuild the relationship. Divorce is allowed as a last option, but it is discouraged. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) once said:

"Of all the lawful things, divorce is the most hated by Allah."

For this reason, the first step a couple should make is to really search their hearts, evaluate the relationship, and try to reconcile. All marriages have ups and downs, and this decision should not be arrived at easily. Ask yourself, "Have I really tried everything else?" Evaluate your own needs and weaknesses; think through the consequences. Try to remember the good things about your spouse, and find forgiveness patience in your heart for minor annoyances.

Communicate with your spouse about your feelings, fears, and needs.

You may come to realize that the two of you are unable to sit down and have a calm, rational conversation to find solutions to your problems. There may be too much anger and resentment from past arguments or unresolved issues. In this case, professional help may be needed to teach you and your spouse how to communicate effectively with each other and come to terms with any underlying issues that play out in your constant arguing. The assistance of a neutral Islamic counsellor may be helpful in this case.

If, after thoroughly evaluating your marriage, you find that there is no other option than divorce, there is no shame in proceeding to the next step. Allah gives divorce as an option because sometimes it is truly the best interest of all concerned. Nobody needs to remain in a situation that causes personal distress, pain, and suffering. In such cases, it is more merciful that you each go your separate ways, peacefully and amicably.

Step 2: Arbitration:

Quran says:

And if you fear a breach between the two, appoint an arbiter from his relatives and an arbiter from her relatives. If they both desire reconciliation Allah will effect harmony between them. Verily Allah has full knowledge, and is aware of everything. [Quran 4:35]

A marriage and a possible divorce involve more people than just the two spouses. It affects children, parents, and entire families. Before a decision is made about divorce, then, it is only fair to involve family elders in an attempt at reconciliation. Family members know each party personally, including their strengths and weaknesses, and would hopefully have their best interests at heart. If they approach the task with sincerity, they may be successful in helping the couple work their issues out. If this attempt fails, after all due efforts, then it is recognized that divorce may be the only option. The couple proceeds to pronouncing a divorce.

Step 3: Give only ONE Divorce( Please don't use three divorces in one sitting):

• Make sure to give divorce to your wife only once and not three.
  
  
• Make sure you divorce your wife when she is in the state of purity (Tuhur), which means she is not menstruating.
  
• The pronouncement by the husband may be verbal or written, but once made, there is to be a waiting period ('Iddah).
  
  • Waiting period for a menstruating wife is of three menstruations.
    
  • If the wife is pregnant, the waiting period is lengthened until she delivers the baby.
  
  
  
• ​During this waiting period, the couple continues to live under the same roof but sleeps apart. This gives the couple time to calm down, evaluate the relationship, and perhaps reconcile. Sometimes decisions are made in haste and anger, and later one or both parties may have regrets. During the waiting period, the husband and wife are free to resume their relationship at any time, thus ending the divorce process without the need for a new marriage contract.
  
• During this waiting period, the husband remains financially responsible for the support of his wife.

Step 4: Finalize First Divorce:

• If the waiting period is completed without reconciliation, the divorce is complete and takes full effect.
  
  
• It is best for the couple to formalize the divorce in the presence of the two witnesses, verifying that the parties have fulfilled all of their obligations.
  
• At this time, the wife is free to remarry if she wishes.

Step 5: Remarrying your first wife after First Divorce is Finalized:

• If a couple decides to reconcile, after the divorce is finalized, they must start over with a new contract and a new dowry (mahr). To prevent damaging yo-yo relationships, there is a limit on how many times the same couple may marry and divorce. If a couple decides to remarry after a divorce, this can only be done twice per Quran 2:229.

Step 6: You can remarry your wife twice after divorce:

• After divorcing and remarrying twice, if the couple then decides to divorce again, it is clear that there is a major problem in the relationship! Therefore in Islam, after the third divorce, the couple may not remarry again.
  
• First, the woman must seek fulfillment in marriage to a different man. Only after she is divorced or widowed from this second marriage partner, would it be possible for her to reconcile again with her first husband if they choose.
  
• This may seem like a strange rule, but it serves two main purposes.
  
  • First, the first husband is less likely to initiate a third divorce in a frivolous manner, knowing that the decision is irrevocable. One will act with more careful consideration.
    
  • Secondly, it may be that the two individuals were simply not a good match for each other. The wife may find happiness in a different marriage. Or she may realize, after experiencing marriage with someone else that she wishes to reconcile with her first husband after all.

Take advantage of the guidance Allah gave us in Quran regarding Divorce and I am sure, it will help in bringing happiness in your life. Allah knows the best!

Ma'a Salama
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Edited

I initially assumed that you were married not long ago and may not have kids. But just saw another post from you where you mentioned you do have kids. This involves custody issues and for that reason, I really hope that you don't go past step 2 mentioned above. And Allah knows the best!

​

Ma'a Salama

Aslamualykum,

Don't be tempted by shaytaan and think the grass is greener on the other side. Every human is born with imperfections. An imperfect man marries an imperfect woman in an imperfect world. Yes you can marry again but the new wife will present new or similar challenges. Work for your marriage and stop tempting yourself by even contemplating divorce.

format_quote Originally Posted by ahmedc123

appreciate the replies, and totally agree, ive been in this for a very long time, she taunts me for a divorce almost every week.
no one from my family could visit us for many many years because of her, theres also much worse that i havent mentioned for privacy. Our 'relationship has been one way, i have had to give up everything, she , nothing.

i stayed for my child, who is now adult. I just want to live with someone normal, feel wanted and respected, i perhaps wont divorce her because of the problems you can imagine

I know what brothers said about their sister or other female member, i kinda know what he means from personal experience,
but this is way beyond that. Maybe that is only reserved for husbands ?
i really want to hear, yeah my wife is great, normal. Not every one is like that, Allah (swt) was testing your sabr.
But i have endured this sabr for very long time, i give up now.

In my personal circumstances i had to do this marriage like this. But if i was a young guy, i would not get a british marriage, dont have starry eyes, get a trust setup first, dont have children for 3 years, see what shes like first, see if she is a partner and is committed to you and not just in it to get a child & your wealth

Assalamu Alaikum

Are you arguing or fighting? because I believe those are two different things. If you are arguing then maybe she is just not getting psychologically stimulated (ie. she is the type of person who keeps questioning, looking for holes in arguments, likes to debate). In this case, if she was busy with something that challenges her it would be better for her. Or maybe her perspective about life is not the same perspective as yours? It could be many things...but at the end of the day you should talk to her about it. Understand her psychology. If she is not happy and just picking fights, then obviously you won't be happy. You should also speak to her about the mention of divorce. Those words shouldn't be taken so lightly no matter how angry the person is. If she is not happy and genuinely wants a divorce, then that should be talked about with logic and understanding.

I can't tell you what is normal or not normal. Every couple is different. If this has been happening since the beginning, then it's probably normal in your case. The fact that you have not found a way to resolve it and only now see it as an issue, that is worrying on your part.

format_quote Originally Posted by ahmedc123

are there any married brothers, surely not all women can be so nasty ?

Alhamdulillah I have been married for 12 years now. I have two beautiful boys 10 and 7 years old respectively. We do have arguments but none of us take it to extreme. There has always been love and respect for each other. Your experience has been very different. If all what you said is true then you are a very patient person or at least that's what your marriage has taught you to be.

Quran says:

And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in peace and tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect [Quran 30:21]

The main objective of marriage from above verse is to have peace and tranquility. And if you are unable to attain that in your life then Allah has given you an option to divorce your wife and part your ways. Just like before marriage we use all resources to make sure we find the right partner, similarly for divorce make sure you think it through. Do Istikhara, talk to your wife, consult with your son and other family members ( basically go through step 1 & 2) I mentioned in post#4 of this thread. If nothing works out, at least you will know that you tried your best. If you have to divorce, then divorce only once. Part your ways with ihsan and move on.

I wish you all the best!

Ma'a Salama

format_quote Originally Posted by ahmedc123

thats a relief to hear from you not all women are like this, i thought that too, but i wanted to make sure....
and i have got back with her because of my child, i could not bear to think that such a wild senseless but woman would be in charge of a young childs upbringing, MY child, i could not stand that thought, i was torn, and heartbroken, i didnt want to abandon. Now i dont blame her, herself, she may have had valid reasons to be like this years ago, and she did, but she never grew up, she never changed herself, so she is responsible for her behaviour , not me. I can at least say i always put the child first, and have given benefit of doubt x1000. I saw it through AH. I hope IA i will get my duty recognised...Now i want to see if i can find a good woman

Assalamu Alaikum,

The behaviour you mentioned regarding your wife's behaviour and especially her "taunting" you for divorce sounds very similar to one a close friend of mine was experiencing and he was given the following recommendation to carry out Ruqya on his wife as it was pointed out to him that the kind of extreme behaviour and constant taunting for a divorce could well be "Sihr of separation". Of course it may well not be as I don't know your exact situation but from what you have mentioned you have got nothing to lose but to do the following and I hope it makes a positive difference insha'Allah:

- Get a big bowl of drinking water and recite on it:

1. Al baqarah ayat 1-5
2. Al fatiha
3. Al khlas
4. Al al falaq
5 . Al nas

Read all above 7 times after Fajr, dhur and Maghrib and get your wife to drink and wash with it and do wudu with the same water for 3 days.

- Get your wife to listen to the entire Surah Al Baqara and Surat Al Saffat before sleeping and after Fajr to listen to Surah Yasin for 7 days.

Of course you will have to get your wife to agree to doing the above for 7 days so you may well have to involve family if she doesn't agree otherwise her behaviour will continue to negatively impact upon your children and your marriage until it eventually breaks you and you finally cannot take no more.

By doing the above at least you can then rule out any issues like Sihr of separation. Apart from that there is mediation by involving elders and getting therapy for her for any underlying issues and/or marriage counseling for you both.

Let us know how it goes. I hope everything works out for the best insha'Allah.