Please regards me in this situation with my family

**Studentofdeed** · 06-21-2020

Assalmu Alaykum
I am going to start off saying I am not a perfect or a good muslim. I really am trying but it is hard. My family is a typical cultural/ moderate muslim family. They are not too liberal but they are like in between. Lot of its based of culture. I keep getting into arguments with my family sometimes small things then big things.

First issue is that part of the reason I was not religous when young was because I was digusted by the Islam my father put off. Hitting kids, humilation, I have the right to beat you, etc, kick you out, all that nonsense. When I later learned true Islam, I later realized that is not what Islam was about. My father is not exactly the best. He is not the worst but he definetly is at fault many times. Sometimes he gives me chores, that is capable of doing but he puts it on me. He does not respect me and sees me as a servant, as He is customed to having servants from back home. He is lazy and not working but as a result in anger, In spite I do not do the chores. Obviously I acknowledge that is my own stupidity, but He gets on my nerves. I try my best to avoid so I do not sin and argue but I end up doing. Today literally first thing in the morning he gave me a chore right when I woke up. I didn't feeling like doing it, so I did not do it. He called me swear words which made me more angry and I ended up doing the chore in order to please my mother. When my mother gives me a chore, Im lazy but feel doing it because my mother doesnt treat me like father. When he calls me names or treats me ill, Am I allowed to stand up for myself? At times I speak loudly and shout. But I never say any bad words. I am not perfect but would like to know, as I have limits.

Next thing is in my culture, money and sucess is everything apparently. So my mother says she will not get me married until I am successful. I told her I am not waiting too long for another 2 years. As a result I ended up getting in another arguemnt. THis was because my brother said is ready to marry, but my mother is not making any efforts to look for a spouse for him. I told her, if you wont find one for him, how will you find one for me? My father is careless and insists that when times comes, Allah will magically bring a girl before us. Rasool SAW said we have to make efforts too. Every time I voice my concern, my father makes fun of me and treats as a joke. My family makes marriage jokes. I then asked the imam's opinion, only it backfired at me because he now makes fun of me in front of strangers, and stupid marraige jokes. Every where I am a joke. My grandmother says no one will marry a crazy immature person like you. Once I finish my exam, I will be able to be successful inshallah, But even then my mother inists on waiting. At times , they make it difficult and say if you dont know this thing or this thing...how will you survive a marriage. They say because I want to get married, I am expected to know everything. They say my wife will walk out the first day. Then when I get upset, they call me fake muslim. Im tired of being accused of hypocricy. Committing sin is easy and getting haram relationship, But I fear Allah which is why I never want to go to that stuff with Allah's help. It is why I am open and discussed it my family. I am trying my best to be a good muslim, yet at times I fail.

Please tell me what to do? Am in the right or wrong? How can I fix this? Will I go to hell because of my family?
I do not understand why it is easier for evil people to get married just like that and destroy lives, while those who seek to keep themselves away from haram, suffer. What is the wisdom of this?

**Eric H** · 06-21-2020

Greetings and peace be with you Studentofdeed;

I am only 71, and somehow you have to get from your age to my age, and be the kind and caring Muslim that you want to be.

My dad was a bully, he used to hit me with his belt, and for lesser crimes I had to stand in the corner and face the wall for half an hour. Whilst I had a miserable childhood in some respects, I reflect back and try and learn from the experience. I never hit my children or grandchildren, but I was still faced with the same kind of problems my parents had.

How do you encourage your children to willingly do chores, when you know they would rather spend their time in bed or on their games. Children have to earn their keep, even from a fairly young age, they have to do things they don't want to do. It prepares them for work where you have to do a lot of things that you would rather not do by choice, that is why you get paid.

When your parents go to work, they can't spend all their money on themselves, they have to pay for their children. Even without pocket money your parents are still paying for your keep. As for parents, they brought you into this world, so they too have responsibilities.

Life is a struggle from birth to the grave, we continually have to keep trying despite all the upsets and problems we face. About twenty percent of life's problems are caused by other people, so eighty percent of the solution is in our own hands. How can you come through all this heart ache a stronger, kinder and more caring Muslim?

May Allah bless you and your family through these testing times,

Eric

**Al-Ansariyah** · 06-21-2020

Walekumassalam
I totally understand your situation regarding the family. You have no idea how much reward you are earning everytime you do chores as told by your father(if you do it for Allah's sake). Sometimes,load of work can be irritating,but i am telling you, be silent at that time. Just do it silently WITHOUT opposing them. Look, if you will be quite and obeying,your father won't get any reason to swear or scold you...yeah? Dispute happens only if both the parties tend to oppose each other. I hope you have heard this"If you want to take revenge from someone, become nice with them"... If you'll shout at him,it will make things worse and will make you regretful afterwards. I have observed this alot, everytime my father scolded my brother and he shouted back,the argument didn't use to stop but now my brother doesn't answer back and everything is fine. And please forget what he did to you in past, forgive him and move on. Look at his positive side, he is your parent and i am sure he must have something good in him, focus on that. Even if he scolds you, become extremely good with him , he will surely realise his fault, after all he is a human being and have feelings. Don't worry about the accusations of hypocrisy, you are not in this alone, Allah knows how you are and that's most important.

Regarding marriage, IF you can afford it, then get married. Watch this, do as told here.
https://youtu.be/FQ3qHBH_6JM

**Studentofdeed** · 06-21-2020

Subahanallah sister. The video is pretty much my life. No I can get martied but I have received offers and interest from sisters, but they are not religious or good. My community also is not good either. Unfortunately reason I'm asking for family's help because I'm emotional, tend to be manipulated very easily, miss red flags, and now starting to get desperate. Its not like I dnt have good qualities, alhamdullah but its the same as it is in the video.

Also I have forgiven my father, but keep in mind he isn't apologetic about it. Rather he laughs off about the abuse. He is kind of still rude. I agree with you, he has some good and is better than most fathers. But It still hits home when I see kids with loving fathers.

@medico also why do you think this is happening? Why is it hard for me and easier for those who are bad? How was your brother able to change? What compelled him to stay quiet? How does he control his anger and not get upset at the scolds?

Jazakallah Khayran for answering
May Allah reward you with the best of both worlds

**Al-Ansariyah** · 06-21-2020

Originally Posted by Studentofdeed

they are not religious or good. My community also is not good either. Unfortunately reason I'm asking for family's help because I'm emotional, tend to be manipulated very easily, miss red flags, and now starting to get desperate.

brother, you yourself are admitting that you can be used if you look for the spouse yourself,that means you aren't emotionally ready for marriage. It is understandable that at this age(assuming it to be 24or25) ,desires are at its highest, and your decision of getting married is absolutely correct. But akhi , you don't know any sister who is pious in ur community,do you? And if your family looks for one, will they find the pious person who you need? They aren't practicing ryt? So why will they look for a pious spouse for you? But still you can try to insist them to find a practicing woman for you, tell them that they are doing wrong and you can fall into haram consequences of which they'll have to deal . That's all you can do while asking help from family. And also i would recommend you to not engage in reading about marriages and all, it will provoke your desire. If you can fast, then do so otherwise just leave everything that reminds you of marriage.And if you yourself get to know any sister who is practicing,then don't delay in marrying,of course after knowing her well(indirectly). Don't forget to make dua at tahajjud with your whole heart.

But It still hits home when I see kids with loving fathers.

If we focus on others' blessings, we'll miss the blessings which we already have. Again, focus on his good qualities and everything will be fine, InshaAllah.

Why is it hard for me and easier for those who are bad? How was your brother able to change? What compelled him to stay quiet? How does he control his anger and not get upset at the scolds?

Obviously your tests will be greater, cuz you are a good muslim. Brother,It's not hard, it's really not hard, you have the capability to cope up with it, this's why you have these tests. I really have no idea why my brother stays quite. May be because of the conflicts which arose in the past. Seriously,those were the worst of times. I won't describe it. Of course he gets upset and don't talk to father but after sometime he becomes normal.

**Iceee** · 06-21-2020

Salaam brother,

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: A man came to the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) and said: O Messenger of Allah, which of the people is most deserving of my good companionship? He said: “Your mother.” He said: Then who? He said: “Then your mother.” He said: Then who? He said: “Then your mother.” He said: Then who? He said: “Then your father.”

“Worship Allah and join none with Him in worship, and do good to parents”
[an-Nisaa’ 4:36];

“And We have enjoined on man to be good and dutiful to his parents
[al-‘Ankaboot 29:8]

“give thanks to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination”
[Luqmaan 31:14].

It was narrated that ‘Abdullah ibn Mas‘ood said: We were with the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) when we were young and had nothing with which to get married. The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said to us: “O young men, whoever among you can afford it, let him get married, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and guarding one’s chastity. And whoever cannot afford it should fast, for it will be a shield for him.”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari (4779) and Muslim (1400).

Originally Posted by Studentofdeed

My father is not exactly the best. He is not the worst but he definetly is at fault many times. Sometimes he gives me chores, that is capable of doing but he puts it on me.

Here's my advise:

Avoid arguments and fighting with your parents, do what they say as much as possible. I'm sorry you are going through this at your home. The way your parents are talking to you seems more like verbal abuse, especially from your father. Hitting someone is physical abuse, and many people would not prefer hitting their children. In fact, in many countries, parents can lose custody of their children for attacking them like they have done to you. From the situation above, we should try to respect our parents as much as we could, especially if you are living with them. If your parents say to do something, we should do it as soon as possible, without saying a word to them. Words are causing anger, arguments, and fights in your home. So it's best to stay silent in many situations and do what is asked. Are you paying rent at home? Do you have a job? Income? If not, that's even more reason to obey our parents. Listen to your parents, do what they ask, and take care of them. As we get older, so do they.

What is the required age to get married in your country? If you are above that age, you are technically an adult and have every right to get married. As that is what the Prophet of Islam (peace be upon him) did. He urged everyone as well to get married young, to avoid haram temptations and desires. If possible, start to look right now for a marriage partner, meet with their wali to discuss everything out. You say you've gotten offers for marriage, so take 1 and see what happens. Begin contacting the wali/guardian of the woman who have shown you interest.

And finally, leave your home. All of these things you write about is due to the fact you are living at home with your parents. You are getting into arguments, fighting, getting ill-feelings, etc. All of these emotions stem from you living in the home with them. The best thing to do is find somewhere else to live, but visit your parents and continue having a good relationship with them.

**Supernova** · 06-21-2020

Originally Posted by Studentofdeed

Assalmu Alaykum
I am going to start off saying I am not a perfect or a good muslim. I really am trying but it is hard. My family is a typical cultural/ moderate muslim family. They are not too liberal but they are like in between. Lot of its based of culture. I keep getting into arguments with my family sometimes small things then big things.

First issue is that part of the reason I was not religous when young was because I was digusted by the Islam my father put off. Hitting kids, humilation, I have the right to beat you, etc, kick you out, all that nonsense. When I later learned true Islam, I later realized that is not what Islam was about. My father is not exactly the best. He is not the worst but he definetly is at fault many times. Sometimes he gives me chores, that is capable of doing but he puts it on me. He does not respect me and sees me as a servant, as He is customed to having servants from back home. He is lazy and not working but as a result in anger, In spite I do not do the chores. Obviously I acknowledge that is my own stupidity, but He gets on my nerves. I try my best to avoid so I do not sin and argue but I end up doing. Today literally first thing in the morning he gave me a chore right when I woke up. I didn't feeling like doing it, so I did not do it. He called me swear words which made me more angry and I ended up doing the chore in order to please my mother. When my mother gives me a chore, Im lazy but feel doing it because my mother doesnt treat me like father. When he calls me names or treats me ill, Am I allowed to stand up for myself? At times I speak loudly and shout. But I never say any bad words. I am not perfect but would like to know, as I have limits.

Next thing is in my culture, money and sucess is everything apparently. So my mother says she will not get me married until I am successful. I told her I am not waiting too long for another 2 years. As a result I ended up getting in another arguemnt. THis was because my brother said is ready to marry, but my mother is not making any efforts to look for a spouse for him. I told her, if you wont find one for him, how will you find one for me? My father is careless and insists that when times comes, Allah will magically bring a girl before us. Rasool SAW said we have to make efforts too. Every time I voice my concern, my father makes fun of me and treats as a joke. My family makes marriage jokes. I then asked the imam's opinion, only it backfired at me because he now makes fun of me in front of strangers, and stupid marraige jokes. Every where I am a joke. My grandmother says no one will marry a crazy immature person like you. Once I finish my exam, I will be able to be successful inshallah, But even then my mother inists on waiting. At times , they make it difficult and say if you dont know this thing or this thing...how will you survive a marriage. They say because I want to get married, I am expected to know everything. They say my wife will walk out the first day. Then when I get upset, they call me fake muslim. Im tired of being accused of hypocricy. Committing sin is easy and getting haram relationship, But I fear Allah which is why I never want to go to that stuff with Allah's help. It is why I am open and discussed it my family. I am trying my best to be a good muslim, yet at times I fail.

Please tell me what to do? Am in the right or wrong? How can I fix this? Will I go to hell because of my family?
I do not understand why it is easier for evil people to get married just like that and destroy lives, while those who seek to keep themselves away from haram, suffer. What is the wisdom of this?

Asalaamualaykum

May I ask a question please.

**Studentofdeed** · 06-21-2020

Originally Posted by medico

brother, you yourself are admitting that you can be used if you look for the spouse yourself,that means you aren't emotionally ready for marriage. It is understandable that at this age(assuming it to be 24or25) ,desires are at its highest, and your decision of getting married is absolutely correct. But akhi , you don't know any sister who is pious in ur community,do you? And if your family looks for one, will they find the pious person who you need? They aren't practicing ryt? So why will they look for a pious spouse for you? But still you can try to insist them to find a practicing woman for you, tell them that they are doing wrong and you can fall into haram consequences of which they'll have to deal . That's all you can do while asking help from family. And also i would recommend you to not engage in reading about marriages and all, it will provoke your desire. If you can fast, then do so otherwise just leave everything that reminds you of marriage.And if you yourself get to know any sister who is practicing,then don't delay in marrying,of course after knowing her well(indirectly). Don't forget to make dua at tahajjud with your whole heart.
If we focus on others' blessings, we'll miss the blessings which we already have. Again, focus on his good qualities and everything will be fine, InshaAllah.

Obviously your tests will be greater, cuz you are a good muslim. Brother,It's not hard, it's really not hard, you have the capability to cope up with it, this's why you have these tests. I really have no idea why my brother stays quite. May be because of the conflicts which arose in the past. Seriously,those were the worst of times. I won't describe it. Of course he gets upset and don't talk to father but after sometime he becomes normal.

Jazakallah Khayran inshallah I will try

- - - Updated - - -

Originally Posted by Iceee

Salaam brother,

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: A man came to the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) and said: O Messenger of Allah, which of the people is most deserving of my good companionship? He said: “Your mother.” He said: Then who? He said: “Then your mother.” He said: Then who? He said: “Then your mother.” He said: Then who? He said: “Then your father.”

“Worship Allah and join none with Him in worship, and do good to parents”
[an-Nisaa’ 4:36];

“And We have enjoined on man to be good and dutiful to his parents
[al-‘Ankaboot 29:8]

“give thanks to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination”
[Luqmaan 31:14].

It was narrated that ‘Abdullah ibn Mas‘ood said: We were with the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) when we were young and had nothing with which to get married. The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said to us: “O young men, whoever among you can afford it, let him get married, for it is more effective in lowering the gaze and guarding one’s chastity. And whoever cannot afford it should fast, for it will be a shield for him.”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari (4779) and Muslim (1400).

Here's my advise:

Avoid arguments and fighting with your parents, do what they say as much as possible. I'm sorry you are going through this at your home. The way your parents are talking to you seems more like verbal abuse, especially from your father. Hitting someone is physical abuse, and many people would not prefer hitting their children. In fact, in many countries, parents can lose custody of their children for attacking them like they have done to you. From the situation above, we should try to respect our parents as much as we could, especially if you are living with them. If your parents say to do something, we should do it as soon as possible, without saying a word to them. Words are causing anger, arguments, and fights in your home. So it's best to stay silent in many situations and do what is asked. Are you paying rent at home? Do you have a job? Income? If not, that's even more reason to obey our parents. Listen to your parents, do what they ask, and take care of them. As we get older, so do they.

What is the required age to get married in your country? If you are above that age, you are technically an adult and have every right to get married. As that is what the Prophet of Islam (peace be upon him) did. He urged everyone as well to get married young, to avoid haram temptations and desires. If possible, start to look right now for a marriage partner, meet with their wali to discuss everything out. You say you've gotten offers for marriage, so take 1 and see what happens. Begin contacting the wali/guardian of the woman who have shown you interest.

And finally, leave your home. All of these things you write about is due to the fact you are living at home with your parents. You are getting into arguments, fighting, getting ill-feelings, etc. All of these emotions stem from you living in the home with them. The best thing to do is find somewhere else to live, but visit your parents and continue having a good relationship with them.

those offers are not the best sisters...i mean in terms of deen. I want someone practicing. I'm worried of marrying someone non religious. But inshallah will apply ur advice. Jazakallah Khayran

- - - Updated - - -

Originally Posted by Supernova

Asalaamualaykum

May I ask a question please.

Yes go for it

**Supernova** · 06-21-2020

Originally Posted by Studentofdeed

Yes go for it

I am asking this question because I want to understand you. Also I am hoping I lead you to a realization rather than just telling you and dumping stuff on you.

Can you tell me why you think Allah SWT tests us? Don't give me a Quran Ayah or Hadith, Im asking for your thoughts on this matter. Feel free to say how you perceive this.

**Studentofdeed** · 06-21-2020

I would like to belive it is because its is testing if I can follow Islam and stay practicing. If I can keep striving in the path of God. When its gets harder, it can be so easy to give up and be like nonmuslims or the non-religious Muslims. Trying hard to be a Muslim especially when the while odds are against you.

**Supernova** · 06-21-2020

Originally Posted by Studentofdeed

I would like to belive it is because its is testing if I can follow Islam and stay practicing. If I can keep striving in the path of God. When its gets harder, it can be so easy to give up and be like nonmuslims or the non-religious Muslims. Trying hard to be a Muslim especially when the while odds are against you.

Ok Alhumdullila - now if I were to ask you, what do you think is the objective of why God tests you ? What would you say ?

**Studentofdeed** · 06-21-2020

Making sure my islam is sincere and not fake

**Supernova** · 06-21-2020

Originally Posted by Studentofdeed

Making sure my islam is sincere and not fake

Remember What I am asking you is just a discussion - Sharing your thoughts in this context doesn't mean you making a statement or claim, we trying to reach an answer.

Now if God is testing you to know if your Islam is fake or not, but wouldn't God know that anyway? as he knows everything - even your imaan and what lays deep within your breast.

Then what is the objective ?

Share your thoughts please.

**Studentofdeed** · 06-21-2020

Thats like the same statement why doesnt God put us in hell if he knows who will be good or bad. But that would not be fair and just. As people would like to prove themselves
We are own witnesses, which is why we are put through the whole thing.

**Supernova** · 06-21-2020

Originally Posted by Studentofdeed

Thats like the same statement why doesnt God put us in hell if he knows who will be good or bad. But that would not be fair and just. As people would like to prove themselves
We are own witnesses, which is why we are put through the whole thing.

So Allah SWT tests you in way that takes your exactness of character etc to set out a Test for you that is unique to you, because giving a Test beyond you wont be fair. Would you say thats correct ?

**Studentofdeed** · 06-21-2020

Yes thats what it says in the Quran. But I'm confused. Where is this going?

**Studentofdeed** · 06-22-2020

I got into another fight with my family. Only today it was a serious issue. I have sibling who verbally abuses their spouse. And threatens them with divorce conseequately. My family isn't practice but my siblings spouse broke down crying tell me how alone and trapped they feel. I got so angry that I shouted at my parents that they don't do anything about the abuse. I don't want anyone to go through what I did. I told them to fear Allah and not to take this issue lightly. They said I'm supposed to always support family but I don't want to because that person is alone with no one. I don't want them to suffer. I ended up shouting and screaming at them. I told them to fear Allah and they are dhulms. But they just ignored me. They turned the conversation back at me saying I'm not a good son, always misbehaving, useless, and should mind my own business. Should I ignore the abuse and let them carry on it? Should I not call put my family on their bad deeds? I know I can be shortcoming on chores but that not fair to treat me like trash. In Islam, how can one stay respectful but not stand up for injustcie against your very own family? I cannot sit quiet and let this continue. This is not fair that because I stand up or talk back, I will end up going to Hell. I'm trying to be good and I never swear. They all say bad words and curse me. How can I not stand up for myself???

Please tell me if I should mind my business, and am I allowed to scream back or defend myself? What can I do?

**Al-Ansariyah** · 06-22-2020

Of course your family is wrong at this. Nobody has the right to abuse the other person, especially the spouse. Don't worry, you are on the right side, You are taking stand for your sibling's spouse. Before being a son of your parents,you are a believer. And a believer takes stand against the oppression, even if it's your own family who is the oppresser. You can't support your family at this when it's clear they are doing wrong. Don't leave your sibling's spouse alone in this,they need you and encourage them as much as you can. DO NOT take side of your family. This is a very serious issue. Keep reminding them about the hereafter. Either tell that preson to get out of this abusive relationship or resolve this issue.

https://youtu.be/xPW_k4LD11Y
https://youtu.be/49RyrSVdgQk
https://youtu.be/qwUsCKJmNj0

**Studentofdeed** · 06-22-2020

Jazakallah Khayran...its frustrating and I feel horrible about it. I feel so bad for the spouse. I'm trying so hard not to fight but it feels like I'm living on a double edge sword...hard to be a good muslim when I'm disobeying family and end up shouting and screaming. I find it very difficult to stay quiet and not say anything back. In public its easier to keep my reserve but with family its harder because they get under the skin. There is a verse in the Quran that its sin to say even oof against parents....

**Al-Ansariyah** · 06-22-2020

Originally Posted by Studentofdeed

I find it very difficult to stay quiet and not say anything back. In public its easier to keep my reserve but with family its harder because they get under the skin.

I know how it feels.I got two conclusions from these sentences:
1) You are getting irritated cuz of your family. And anything that irritates us is teaching us patience. It can be a test for you whether you'll be patient or not.
2)You can remain reserved in public but not with your family. This too can be test as to whether you'll be nice with your family or not. Because best of people are those who are best to their families isn't it.
Prophet commanded a person to treat their mother well.(who was a polytheist). Your parents are still muslims, they deserve a lot of respect from you irrespective of injustices. Even if you take stand for the abuse, don't be harsh on parents. You can use the kind words as well while trying to stop them from doing wrong.
Now try to implement it, you'll slip many times but don't give up. Just repent and keep going. And Allah knows best..