salam alaycum,
I have been traumatized from my past severly. It has gotten less. I no longer have nightmares but the memories creep back. I was severly bullied and hurt and abused. I dont have anger towards them but make dua for those people but I feel like a shell of my old self. I feel horrible. In order to numb the pain, I involved in bad habits like secret habit. I try to forget it but my pain is still there. I get episodes of pain and misery where i start crying. There some times where I go through that these flashes of pain dont come. THen there times when it floods randomly. I used to pray qiyam al layl, fast, read quran reguarly, but Now I dont. I feel Allah hates me. I only wanted to be good person and help others. These people took me for granted, made fun of me, and killed my soul. I can still feel them mocking me, laughing at me, taunting me. How can I overcome this trauma? Its still there and sometimes as a result I end up laying in bed for hours trying to shut out the thoughts of them saying Im inferior and worthless. Is there a cure for severe soul destruction???
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Walekumassalam brother/sister
Sorry to hear this. Stay away from those people who remind you of your past. And keep yourself busy. You'll soon forget it ,by the will of Allah. And I am pretty sure,your soul isn't completely destroyed yet. But may be, it's in the process of getting killed. And this is how:
I used to pray qiyam al layl, fast, read quran reguarly, but Now I dont
Look, the food of soul is closeness to Allah. The more you feed it, the better it becomes. It doesn't get affected by outside humiliations,bullies, abuse. Your mental health may be affected but not the soul. Don't kill your soul. And patience is literally the best thing one can observe in times of calamities. Don't look for its solution , rather search for 'how you can cope up with it.' And the answer is 'faith' .Higher the faith, smaller the calamity seems. Don't give up on your religious duties. Compromising on deen is never an option. If you'll try to get closer to Allah, you'll feel as if the calamity is a blessing. If you'll involve in sins just to forget the bad past,you'll never attain peace. Strive hard and all will go well.
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