Breaks my heart being on muslim matrimonial websites

format_quote Originally Posted by M.I.A.

i personally can tell you that for me at least, iv come to the stage where it is not me that wants to hold onto my sins but rather my sins that want to keep hold of me.

Intelligent is he who suppresses his nafs and works for that which is to come after death, and the weak is he who allows his nafs free reign and continues to build hope in Allah.

If we keep satisfying our permissible desires (beyond our rights and needs), the nafs will soon become tired of these desires and aspire to other desires which are doubtful until there comes a time when it will eventually desire haraam. We fall into the trap of leaving a desire only for the sake of a new desire. The result is that one’s life becomes a never-ending cycle of new desires and following one’s passions.

However, the only way to reach spiritual heights and gain closeness to Allah Subhanahu Wa Taa'la is to sacrifice even the permissible desires. One should sacrifice a desire only for the sake of Allah and not for the sake of the nafs in the form of a new desire. Only by sacrificing the permissible desires will the nafs remain under control. Either the nafs controls the person or the person controls the nafs.

i suppose i await a forgiveness from higher up.

Sahih International: Have you seen the one who takes as his god his own desire? Then would you be responsible for him? 25:43

Sahih International: Have you seen he who has taken as his god his [own] desire, and Allah has sent him astray due to knowledge and has set a seal upon his hearing and his heart and put over his vision a veil? So who will guide him after Allah ? Then will you not be reminded? 45:23

What you described above is the Shirk - submitting oneself to the desires and not to Allah. This is the Shirk which many of us fall into without even knowing it. Desire for a house, then a bigger house, then a new car, then latest model of the car better than my neighbor, spending more money on weddings to show off, etc. Once Nafs gets out of control, it leads one to hell fire, unless one repents and ask Allah for the help.

nobody changes until they feel the influence of wrongdoing within their lives, at least one would hope thats the lowest we go.

That's what Quran says ( Interpretation of the meaning of the partial verse 13:11):
...Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves. And when Allah intends for a people ill, there is no repelling it. And there is not for them besides Him any patron. [Quran 13:11]