I have highlighted only one of your statements because to me is the key:
Are your sins more than Allah's Mercy? Allah is most Forgiving & perhaps you need to know more about who Allah is. Just to give you an idea how Allah forgives our sins on daily basis, let me put together summary of small acts described in Sunnah and how Allah forgives all of our sins for doing these acts.
- Allah forgives all our minor sins done between the prayers. For example if you prayed Zuhr & Asr, then any minor sins done between these prayers are forgiven. https://sunnah.com/muslim/2/18
- If you Recite سبحان الله X33, الحمد لله X33, الله أكبر X33, and لاَ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ اللَّهُ وَحْدَهُ لاَ شَرِيكَ لَهُ لَهُ الْمُلْكُ وَلَهُ الْحَمْدُ وَهُوَ عَلَى كُلِّ شَىْءٍ قَدِيرٌ X1 then all of your sins are forgiven. https://sunnah.com/muslim/5/188
- When you are praying behind an Imam and say "amin" when the Imam finishes Fatiha, if your amin concides with amin of angels Allah forgives all of your previous sins. https://sunnah.com/nasai/11/50
- You finish your meal and say الْحَمْـدُ للهِ الَّذي أَطْعَمَنـي هـذا وَرَزَقَنـيهِ مِنْ غَـيْرِ حَوْلٍ مِنِّي وَلا قُوَّة , Allah forgives all your sins. [Sahih al-Jami’ #6086] Imagine this happens when you have breakfast, lunch, dinner and whenever you eat anything through out the day.
If you recite سُبْحَانَ اللَّهِ وَبِحَمْدِهِ X100 , Allah forgives all your sins even if those were as much as foam in all the oceans in the world. https://sunnah.com/bukhari/80/100 - If you sit in a gathering to listen to or learn something about Islam and say سُبْحَانَكَ اللَّهُمَّ وَبِحَمْدِكَ أَشْهَدُ أَنْ لاَ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ أَنْتَ أَسْتَغْفِرُكَ وَأَتُوبُ إِلَيْكَ before you leave the gathering, all your sins are forgiven. https://sunnah.com/tirmidhi/48/64
And there are so many other examples of doing small things which don't take much time and we see that Allah forgives all our sins. Allah is looking for excuses to forgive us, only thing we need to do is repent sincerely and turn to Him. Allah says in the Quran:
قُلْ يَٰعِبَادِىَ ٱلَّذِينَ أَسْرَفُوا۟ عَلَىٰٓ أَنفُسِهِمْ لَا تَقْنَطُوا۟ مِن رَّحْمَةِ ٱللَّهِ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ ٱلذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا إِنَّهُۥ هُوَ ٱلْغَفُورُ ٱلرَّحِيمُ
Say: "O 'Ibadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. [Quran 39:53]
Satan wants us to loose hope in Allah and that's exactly what you are going through. Satan wants you to believe that your sins are far greater than Allah's Mercy but as I have shown how Allah forgives our sins on daily basis and for doing things which are our need such as eating food, Subhanallah!!! How can you loose hope in Allah then.
Have your heard the hadith of a man who killed 100 people and he died while he has intention to change himself ( did not do anything good) and Allah still forgave him:
Abu Sa'id al-Khudri reported Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) as saying:
There was a person before you who had killed ninety-nine persons and then made an inquiry about the learned persons of the world (who could show him the way to salvation). He was directed to a monk. He came to him and told him that he had killed ninety-nine persons and asked him whether there was any scope for his repentance to be accepted. He said: No.
He killed him also and thus completed one hundred. He then asked about the learned persons of the earth and he was directed to a scholar, and he told him that he had killed one hundred persons and asked him whether there was any scope for his repentance to be accepted. He said: Yes; what stands between you and the repentance? You better go to such and such land; there are people devoted to prayer and worship and you also worship along with them and do not come to the land of yours since it was an evil land (for you). So he went away and he had hardly covered half the distance when death came to him and there was a dispute between the angels of mercy and the angels of punishment.
The angels of mercy said: This man has come as a penitant and remorseful to Allah and the angels of punishment said: He has done no good at all. Then there came another angel in the form of a human being in order to decide between them. He said: You measure the land to which he has drawn near. They measured it and found him nearer to the land where he intended to go (the land of piety), and so the angels of mercy took possession of it. Qatada said that Hasan told him that it was said to them that as death approached him, he crawled upon his chest (and managed) to slip in the land of mercy.
حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْمُثَنَّى، وَمُحَمَّدُ بْنُ بَشَّارٍ، - وَاللَّفْظُ لاِبْنِ الْمُثَنَّى - قَالَ حَدَّثَنَا مُعَاذُ بْنُ هِشَامٍ، حَدَّثَنِي أَبِي، عَنْ قَتَادَةَ، عَنْ أَبِي الصِّدِّيقِ، عَنْ أَبِي سَعِيدٍ الْخُدْرِيِّ، أَنَّ نَبِيَّ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ " كَانَ فِيمَنْ كَانَ قَبْلَكُمْ رَجُلٌ قَتَلَ تِسْعَةً وَتِسْعِينَ نَفْسًا فَسَأَلَ عَنْ أَعْلَمِ أَهْلِ الأَرْضِ فَدُلَّ عَلَى رَاهِبٍ فَأَتَاهُ فَقَالَ إِنَّهُ قَتَلَ تِسْعَةً وَتِسْعِينَ نَفْسًا فَهَلْ لَهُ مِنَ تَوْبَةٍ فَقَالَ لاَ . فَقَتَلَهُ فَكَمَّلَ بِهِ مِائَةً ثُمَّ سَأَلَ عَنْ أَعْلَمِ أَهْلِ الأَرْضِ فَدُلَّ عَلَى رَجُلٍ عَالِمٍ فَقَالَ إِنَّهُ قَتَلَ مِائَةَ نَفْسٍ فَهَلْ لَهُ مِنْ تَوْبَةٍ فَقَالَ نَعَمْ وَمَنْ يَحُولُ بَيْنَهُ وَبَيْنَ التَّوْبَةِ انْطَلِقْ إِلَى أَرْضِ كَذَا وَكَذَا فَإِنَّ بِهَا أُنَاسًا يَعْبُدُونَ اللَّهَ فَاعْبُدِ اللَّهَ مَعَهُمْ وَلاَ تَرْجِعْ إِلَى أَرْضِكَ فَإِنَّهَا أَرْضُ سَوْءٍ . فَانْطَلَقَ حَتَّى إِذَا نَصَفَ الطَّرِيقَ أَتَاهُ الْمَوْتُ فَاخْتَصَمَتْ فِيهِ مَلاَئِكَةُ الرَّحْمَةِ وَمَلاَئِكَةُ الْعَذَابِ فَقَالَتْ مَلاَئِكَةُ الرَّحْمَةِ جَاءَ تَائِبًا مُقْبِلاً بِقَلْبِهِ إِلَى اللَّهِ . وَقَالَتْ مَلاَئِكَةُ الْعَذَابِ إِنَّهُ لَمْ يَعْمَلْ خَيْرًا قَطُّ . فَأَتَاهُمْ مَلَكٌ فِي صُورَةِ آدَمِيٍّ فَجَعَلُوهُ بَيْنَهُمْ فَقَالَ قِيسُوا مَا بَيْنَ الأَرْضَيْنِ فَإِلَى أَيَّتِهِمَا كَانَ أَدْنَى فَهُوَ لَهُ . فَقَاسُوهُ فَوَجَدُوهُ أَدْنَى إِلَى الأَرْضِ الَّتِي أَرَادَ فَقَبَضَتْهُ مَلاَئِكَةُ الرَّحْمَةِ " . قَالَ قَتَادَةُ فَقَالَ الْحَسَنُ ذُكِرَ لَنَا أَنَّهُ لَمَّا أَتَاهُ الْمَوْتُ نَأَى بِصَدْرِهِ .
Reference:
Sahih Muslim 2766 a
In-book reference: Book 50, Hadith 54
USC-MSA web (English) reference: Book 37, Hadith 6662
https://sunnah.com/muslim/50/54
Have you murdered more hundred people? Don't underestimate the Mercy of Allah, turn to Him with sincerity and start practicing Islam. Learn about Allah and Islam and Inshallah Allah will take you out of darkness into the light!
We are in the blessed month of Dhul Hijja. The first ten days of Dhul Hijja are the best days and I hope you take advantage of these days. Keep good hopes from Allah and He will treat you accordingly. Let me conclude with the following hadith:
On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Prophet (ﷺ) said:
Allah the Almighty said: I am as My servant thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assembly better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a cubit, and if he draws near to Me a cubit, I draw near to him a fathom. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.
Another possible rendering of the Arabic is: "I am as My servant expects Me to be". The meaning is that forgiveness and acceptance of repentance by the Almighty is subject to His servant truly believing that He is forgiving and merciful. However, not to accompany such belief with right action would be to mock the Almighty.
It was related by al-Buhkari (also by Muslim, at-Tirmidhi and Ibn-Majah).
Arabic/English book reference: Hadith 15
https://sunnah.com/qudsi40/15
I hope you find this helpful!
Ma'aSalaam
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