What should I know before marrying as a Male Muslim? Mother asking around

format_quote Originally Posted by SintoDinto

My mother began asking around her workplace for potential muslim partners for me in the near future, and they replied they knew some people, and my mother said they were arabs, and I am turkish, (don't know why I stated that, but I kind of wanted to marry an arab wife) as I am finishing my medical coding and billing certificate (I won't be doing billing, just coding, as I believe billing maybe haram due to insurance. it also doesnt sit easy with me partly as it may be haram money and partly because it involves customer service.) I am also learning how to drive, and now I just need to stop masturbating, and I also unfortunately disrespect my mother too frequently, and need to work on controlling my temper. i also have some mood issues, but my mother was talking about potentially next few months, potentially next few years with these people. is there anything i should know? i am about to be 22. medical coders make about as much as a teacher in my country. (I think, maybe a little less) (but teachers get paid well here compared to some other countries i would imagine i dont know were all of you live, i live in the usa)

For all Muslim men, young or old, before you enter into a marriage (ESPECIALLY for the ones who are living in USA, Canada and countries that follow liberal democratic ideologies and believe in separation of state and religion) please read heed this advise and follow it, lest you become another stats that you wish you are not in it: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

Assalamwalaikum brother

Some thought needs to go into it when selecting a spouse. Various areas need to be considered :

additionally these should be reciprocal, so you have to ask YOURSELF, are you ready to get married???? what do you have to offer, do you need to improve yourself as a person to make yourself 'marry-able'

marriage is a necessity, i get that, but the two individuals need to know what they're getting into as its not simply a status of 'yes im married' and thats it... theres more to it...

Compatibility
Morality of a person
family upbringing = will represent to a large portion of someone's family values...
future plans
expectations from a marriage
co-operativeness
i'm sure there is more..

how easily influenced someone is? can they hold they're own or do they/ are they led by others (other than you!)???
a pious brother or sister would no doubt think twice about any action / decision and will always be in the remembrance of Allah swt.... are you?
what kind of values do you hold in your outlook on life, is it liberal, is it traditional, is it strictly religious... only you know.. your prospective spouse may have different values... are you likely to find middle ground?

it really does depend on what you are looking for... but is what you are looking for now, really what you are looking for?

you need to ask yourself, what makes a successful marriage? what are you willing to sacrifice...?

you need to be on the same wavelength as your suitor... if you are both on different pages, you are both bound to be out of sync and traveling at different speeds...

apologies it does sound somewhat vague but the term 'marriage' should not be used lightly... if there is no safeguarding, then potentially you could be digging your own grave...

gosh i wish i was 22....

follow the sunnah... do your best in selection

leave the rest in Allah swt's hands...

format_quote Originally Posted by Imraan

Assalamwalaikum brother

Some thought needs to go into it when selecting a spouse. Various areas need to be considered :

additionally these should be reciprocal, so you have to ask YOURSELF, are you ready to get married???? what do you have to offer, do you need to improve yourself as a person to make yourself 'marry-able'

marriage is a necessity, i get that, but the two individuals need to know what they're getting into as its not simply a status of 'yes im married' and thats it... theres more to it...

Compatibility
Morality of a person
family upbringing = will represent to a large portion of someone's family values...
future plans
expectations from a marriage
co-operativeness
i'm sure there is more..

how easily influenced someone is? can they hold they're own or do they/ are they led by others (other than you!)???
a pious brother or sister would no doubt think twice about any action / decision and will always be in the remembrance of Allah swt.... are you?
what kind of values do you hold in your outlook on life, is it liberal, is it traditional, is it strictly religious... only you know.. your prospective spouse may have different values... are you likely to find middle ground?

it really does depend on what you are looking for... but is what you are looking for now, really what you are looking for?

you need to ask yourself, what makes a successful marriage? what are you willing to sacrifice...?

you need to be on the same wavelength as your suitor... if you are both on different pages, you are both bound to be out of sync and traveling at different speeds...

apologies it does sound somewhat vague but the term 'marriage' should not be used lightly... if there is no safeguarding, then potentially you could be digging your own grave...

gosh i wish i was 22....

follow the sunnah... do your best in selection

leave the rest in Allah swt's hands...

i had a friendship with a young Muslim woman in school, I think I might be able to marry her. We never touched, except one time when I gently nudged her as a show a sublt unconscious sign I liked her (although Im pretty sure mostly girls do that. whats wrong with me). I think about her a little too much, what with distance. someone help me, i dont want to get into trouble, for being pushy, or for putting all my eggs into one basket, or waiting while obsessing. I don't want to get my heart broken.

When you are looking to get married, you have to be serious before marriage. Don't become blinded by your emotions. This person needs to be a good practicing Muslim for more success. When you guys meet up, there should be other family members around. You guys should ask each other serious questions. And you can find on many Islamic websites "how to find a right spouse" "what questions to ask your future spouse".

But the question is, are you ready for marriage? If you just WANT to get married, that doesn't mean you are READY. You have to marry for the sake of Allah which is one of the most important points because this will benefit you. Of course, you can have other intentions for marriage (wanting a partner) but you must have this intention too.

You mentioned that you disrespect you mother a lot, you have temper problems, and that you are moody. These are major warning signs. If I were to look for a male Muslim spouse for myself, the FIRST things I would look for is : How does he treat his mother? Does he assist and obey her like he should? How does he act inside the house? Does he have anger problems?
It doesn't matter whether this suitor is nice to me, or he has chemistry with me. I don't care, because that always happens when you meet a new boy/girl.

So you need to think about these. You have to find YOURSELF before you find another person. You need to treat your current family nicely for the sake of Allah.

I think you already know that women-or men, don't like dealing with someone else's temper issues. A lot of women become victim to their husband's anger issues. Children also become victim to this too.

You might be thinking that "I will treat my spouse correctly!". But you are most likely saying this because you are temporarily excited/passionate for a spouse.

So I think you need to change your character inside the house before getting married because this is something serious. You are going to have to except your wife's flaws. You can't even accept your mother's flaws because you disrespect her (and make sure to respect father too).

You also have a masturbating problem. It is true that marriage will help this. But you need to learn how to have self control. Not just get married to get rid of your problems. Some people who watch porn and masturbate because their addicted think they need to get married. This is true to some extent, they have desire. But if you are addicted to these wrong sins and you keep doing it, you have to stop for the sake of Allah and yourself. Take measures such as fasting, staying away from meat or (I forgot what food the islamic scholars said).

I think you need to change yourself and mature a little bit. You shouldn't hasten to find someone unless you show major signs of progress and fixing yourself. These could lead up to problems in the future of your marriage. Passing the honeymoon phase. Soon if you get children, you will end up getting annoyed of your wife and she will get annoyed of you. You need to think about these things. You have become more self disciplined and respectful to your family for the sake of Allah