Am I too picky with finding husband

How old are you sister?

There is nothing wrong with looking for good looking guys...just know the guys that are too good looking have had probably other women or have women making advances on them. One thing that bothered me was the beard part...sister this is required by men in islam. It is wajib...maybe you can ask the guy to have a light beard or to keep it trimmed or maybe you are worried his beard will be so long that he doesn't clean it? Do not be unreasonable...if a guy is nice and religious...he will take care of you while a handsome guy may cheat on you or not even be a Virgin. This is Dunya not paradise. And you have to be realistic. Its hard enough to find a pious spouse but instead your making it only harder for yourself. Later you may regret it and wish you married someone. There are many stories of girls who got so arrogant that rejected everyone til the point they grew old and they cried and wished they just picked someone. Don't delude yourself into thinking guys will keep proposing.

There are pious guys I know that are handsome and women make advances on them but sadly no muslim girls want to marry them because they have this silly mindset or fairy tale mindset. Please sister wise up or be more mature. When in doubt always pray istikhara for Allah knows better than us. Do not reject people right away

format_quote Originally Posted by Studentofdeed

There is nothing wrong with looking for good looking guys...just know the guys that are too good looking have had probably other women or have women making advances on them. One thing that bothered me was the beard part...sister this is required by men in islam. It is wajib...maybe you can ask the guy to have a light beard or to keep it trimmed or maybe you are worried his beard will be so long that he doesn't clean it? Do not be unreasonable...if a guy is nice and religious...he will take care of you while a handsome guy may cheat on you or not even be a Virgin. This is Dunya not paradise. And you have to be realistic. Its hard enough to find a pious spouse but instead your making it only harder for yourself. Later you may regret it and wish you married someone. There are many stories of girls who got so arrogant that rejected everyone till the point they grew old and they cried and wished they just picked someone. Don't delude yourself into thinking guys will keep proposing.

Yeah I understand.. As for the beard, I will never ever tell someone that they look bad in a beard and I will never ask someone to shave it.. I know its wajib.. What I said about beards putting me off might sound wrong but its not something I'm happy about either. My friends even know that it takes me a lot more effort to find someone attractive.. They find a good amount of Muslim guys that they like in terms of looks while I find it utterly confusing. I think its because of my past and the people i was used to being around with.. I went through a major change and I'm trying to lower my standards

Its not that im trying to be arrogant. Im genuinely trying and I can't seem to think of myself being with these people. I'm not looking for someone extremely handsome like in a fairytale(although fairytales are nice), I just get put off by suitors so easily and I try considering it but it never works..

I don't want to get with someone and end up hurting someone else for my selfish reasons. I even heard of one Muslim girl who tried to do the same. She accepted him thinking that it'll be ok bc extremely pious and sweet. But she said that she couldnt stop thinking about how ugly he looks and it made her feel horrible.

If I do end up being single for my shallow reasons, I just really hope that it isn't disappointing to Allah

Sister i used to be like this...wanted a really gorgeous woman or grew up fantasizing and wanting to marry a kaffir woman. Now I realize those women are not even virgins and 9/10 will cheat on me. Im not marrying someone for love since that concept doesn't exist. Im marrying someome who will be a good mother to my child. That is why im being more careful. You have to think of long haul. As long as he is reasonable and good looking little bit...just marry him. Don't make so much fuss. Don't say its culture because sister I too was in the same situation but was able to change my.ideas and mindset. If I can do it, so can you

Sister, my mom hates beard too. She find it barbaric and ape like and disgusting. I think most women like men without beard, they find it attractive if men look like boys or beardless youth or even have feminine attribute. What women don't realize that these men are attractive to other men. Any men who look like boys or have feminine attribute will attract other men. That means you will not just be competing with other women, but other men also. Believe me when I say that if a man wants him he can get his heart easily...better than you could ever do. For one thing, a man have an advantage over is that there is no such as domestic violence act against men. Meaning he doesn't have to worry if he have a relationship with another men that this his partner will call the police and have him arrested under false allegation of domestic violence and rape. That is a big plus for any man to know that his spouse will not be able to put him in prison for false allegation. That form of competition you will not be able to beat. That is one in many. Even if that is not the case and you got yourself a beardless youth he will constantly be attracting other women to his attention, especially if he is very handsome. That means, if he have weak imaan or his heart is attached to dunaya, your husband will fail the test and potentially cheat on you. Beard for men is a hijjab for women. What if men said...I do not want women wearing hijjab. I want her to look sexy, show her hair and wear tight pants and revealing clothes? Isn't that what non-Muslim wear normally. Well, aren't the stats showing they have the highest rape for rape, sexual harassment and so forth?

Sister, let me tell you something about beardless youth. Beardless youth is worst competition ever to WOMEN. Don't make your potential husband into a beardless youth. In Philippine IT IS THE MEN who hold the beauty, not the women. The most beautiful "WOMEN" on planet Earth with ultimate perfection of beauty are men. Don't desire beardless men....don't desire it. The more women desire beardless men the more the door for fassaat is open. At that point, I will put the blame on women square on the forehead and pray those women who desired beardless youth to get punished for any evil that comes out of it.


He is attracted to beardless youth:

https://islamqa.info/en/answers/9483...-this-sickness

Question
I have the problem of being attracted to beardless youths and I have no desire for women. The reason for this may be a bad experience that I had in childhood. I try to be patient as much as I can. I lower my gaze and I know that this is haraam, and I do not regard it as permissible. I ask Allaah for forgiveness and I pray “O Allaah, purify my heart and keep me chaste.” I do not think that marriage is a solution for me, because I have no desire for women. I fast on Mondays and Thursdays. But this is still in my heart. What should I do? Is there anything that will compensate me in Paradise? I ask Allaah to forgive me if there is any transgression in my question.

Praise be to Allah.

Firstly:

Remember that this is one of the most serious of problems, and that it may lead a person to doom. It may affect his mind and make him go insane, or it may affect his physical health and make him ill, or it may affect his religious commitment and cause him to be doomed, and lead him to a bad end. So beware of continuing with this and strive hard, seeking the help of your Lord, to rid yourself of this evil inclination, and look at those who have been affected by this so that you may learn a lesson from them.

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

It is narrated that a man fell in love with someone and became totally infatuated with him, and that love became deeply rooted in his heart until he fell ill, and took to his bed because of it, and that person tried to keep away from him and felt great resentment towards him. Intermediaries kept going between them until he promised to visit him. The sick man was told of that and he rejoiced greatly and his anxiety was dispelled, and he began to look forward to the appointment that had been set. Whilst he was like that, the intermediary came and said: He came part way with me then he went back, but I encouraged him and spoke to him, and he said: He remembered me, and rejoiced about me, but I will not enter because I will not expose myself to accusations. I tried to change his mind but he insisted, and left. When the sick man heard that, he was filled with despair and became worse than he had been before, and appeared to be in the throes of death, and he started saying:

Your pleasure is dearer to my heart than the mercy of the Almighty, the Creator

I said: O So and so, fear Allaah. He said: This is how I feel.

I got up and left, and I had barely passed through the door when I heard the cry of death.

Allaah forbid that we should meet with a bad end.

End quote.

Al-Jawaab al-Kaafi (p. 117)

What do you think? Would a wise Muslim want to die as that sick lover died, who gave precedence to the pleasure of his beloved over the pleasure of His Creator Who created him and formed him and granted him provision and guided him to Islam, and bestowed upon him blessings both apparent and invisible? If you say that you would not want that – which is what we think you would say – then you should know that you are travelling the same path as him and that there may befall you what befell him, if you do not check yourself.

Remember that this is the path that was first travelled by the people of Loot, namely the love of beardless youths, then Allaah punished them in a way that no nation has been punished before or since. Allaah turned their houses upside down and caused the earth to swallow them up, and He pelted them with stones and took away their sight.

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said, explaining different types of love:

A kind of love that is incurs the wrath of Allaah and leads to one being remote from His mercy and is the most harmful to a person’s spiritual and worldly interests, is love of beardless youths. No one is afflicted with this but one who become worthless in the sight of Allaah and has been expelled from His door and whose heart is far away from Him. It is one of the worst obstacles that keep a person away from Allaah, as one of the salaf said: If a person becomes worthless in the sight of Allaah, He afflicts him with the love of beardless youths. This is the love that brought the punishment upon the people of Loot, and the only reason for this punishment was this type of love. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Verily, by your life (O Muhammad صلىالله عليه وسلم), in their wild intoxication, they were wandering blindly” [al-Hijr 15:72]. End quote.

Al-Jawaab al-Kaafi (p. 173, 174)

Secondly:

Remember that there are causes for this calamity, and these causes are things that the afflicted person has brought upon himself. The one who wants to be saved from his predicament must look at these causes and rid himself of them, otherwise he will be content with his situation and unwilling to change it for something that is better. These causes may include the following:

1 – Weakness of faith and lack of love for Allaah in one’s heart, and a lack of fear of His punishment.

2 – Looking freely at beardless youths, and enjoying their beauty and appearance.

This is the first route that the affected person takes to sin. His Lord has commanded him to lower his gaze and avoid looking at haraam things, and his Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) has enjoined him likewise. If he ignores the command and does that which is forbidden, then Iblees has shot his poisoned arrow into his heart, and finished him off.

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

Looking is the origin of most of the problems that befall man, because looking generates thoughts, then thoughts generate ideas, and ideas generate desires, and desires generate will, which then becomes stronger and becomes firm resolve, in which case the deed will inevitably be done unless there is something to prevent it. Hence it was said that patience in lowering the gaze is easier than patience in bearing the pain that comes afterwards.

Al-Jawaab al-Kaafi, p. 106

Hence the scholars forbade looking at beardless youths, and some of them regarded it as more haraam than looking at women.

Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

Similarly the scholars forbade a man to look at the face of a beardless youth if he is handsome, whether with or without desire, and whether it is free of fitnah (temptation) or there is the fear thereof. This is the correct view which was favoured by the scholars. This was stated by al-Shaafa’i and the prominent scholars of his madhhab (may Allaah have mercy on them). The evidence for this is that a beardless youth is, in some ways, like a woman; he may be desired as a woman is desired, and his form may be beautiful like that of a woman, and many of them may be more beautiful than many women. The prohibition applies more to them for another reason, which is that in their case there may result from attachment to them types of evil that do not occur in the case of women. End quote.

Sharh Muslim (4/31).

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

Looking at the face of a beardless youth with desire is like looking as the face of a mahram or a non-mahram woman with desire, whether the desire is desire for intercourse or the desire to derive pleasure from looking. If he looks at his mother, sister or daughter with pleasure derived from looking like the pleasure derived from looking at a non-mahram woman, then it is known to everyone that this is haraam. The same applies to looking at the face of a beardless youth, according to scholarly consensus. End quote.

Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (15/413) and (21/245).

And he (may Allaah have mercy on him) also said:

The one who looks repeatedly at a beardless youth and the like, or persists in that, and says “I am not looking with desire” is lying, because if he has no need to look, then he is only looking because of the pleasure that he feels in his heart as a result. As for an accidental glance, it is forgiven, if he averts his gaze.

Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (15/419) and (21/251).

The kind of looking with which these sick people are afflicted includes what they watch on satellite channels and what they see in newspapers and magazines, and on websites, of pictures of children and beardless young men, and this is what provokes them to commit immoral actions.

3 – Falling short with regard to obligatory and naafil acts of worship

If the person who is afflicted with this problem prays on time, fulfilling the conditions and obligatory parts of prayer, that will be a deterrent that keeps him from falling into evil and immoral ways. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Verily, As‑Salaah (the prayer) prevents from Al‑Fahsha’ (i.e. great sins of every kind, unlawful sexual intercourse) and Al‑Munkar (i.e. disbelief, polytheism, and every kind of evil wicked deed)”

[al-‘Ankaboot 29:45]

So how about if he regularly performs sunnah and naafil prayers?

4 – Forsaking the Qur’aan and failing to read books about the lives of righteous men and the imams

The Book of Allaah contains guidance, light and healing; it is the best protection for the Muslim against falling into sin and it is the best remedy for the one who does fall into sin.

If he reads books about the imams and biographies of the scholars, he can take them as an example and become familiar with their stories and rise above immorality and evil.

5 – Falling short in seeking knowledge

Knowledge is light, through which one may know what is halaal and do it, and what is haraam and avoid it. Through it he may come to know his Lord, may He be exalted, and His names, attributes and deeds. That will generate in his heart a sense of shyness before his Lord and shyness before His angels, so that he will not want to commit evil and immoral actions. Through knowledge he will come to know the state of sinners and the punishment that Allaah has prepared for them.

6 – A lot of spare time in the lives of those who have this problem

If they kept themselves busy with acts of worship, sport, permissible actions and seeking knowledge, they would not have time to spend in thinking of haraam things, let alone doing them.

7 – Making friends and keeping company with bad people

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) likened the bad friend to one who works the bellows: he will either burn his companion’s clothes or he will notice a bad smell coming from him.

8 – Not getting married

Allaah has created natural desires in man, and He has made the outlet for that in women. The permissible way to do that is marriage. The one who goes against his natural state (fitrah) and diverts that desire towards other males like him, is even lower than the animals, for the animals that Allaah has created are in front of us, and do we ever see any male mounting another male?

Thirdly:

The one who wants to deal with his problem and rid himself of it should look for the reasons why he has fallen into the haraam actions of looking, mixing and keeping company with beardless youths, and rid himself of them by giving them up. Trying to treat the problem without addressing the causes of sickness is a remedy that is doomed to failure and will never succeed. There follow some treatment methods for the one who wants to rid himself of this problem and try to free himself from the trap of the shaytaan, and seek the pleasure of Allaah. These include:

1 – Strengthening one’s faith by means of acts of worship, including fasting, filling one’s heart with love of Allaah, and fearing His punishment.

2 – Preventing oneself from looking at beardless youths with or without desire, and not keeping company with them or sitting with them at all, and not being alone with them, even for teaching Qur’aan.

Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

The favoured view is that being alone with a handsome, non-mahram beardless youth is like being alone with a woman, and it is haraam to be alone with him just as it is haraam to be alone with a woman, unless one is with a group of men ofgood character. End quote.

Sharh al-Nawawi (9/109).

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

As for keeping company with beardless youths, especially with one of them, as they do, which may lead to being alone with a handsome beardless youth or letting him stay overnight with a man, and so on, these are among the worst of evils, according to the Muslims, and according to the Jews and Christians, and others. End quote.

Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (11/542).

Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: It is not permissible to be alone with a beardless youth even if that is with the intention of teaching him, because the shaytaan flows through the son of Adam like blood. How many people have becomes infatuated with these beardless youths and fell into the trap of the shaytaan and whims and desires. This is a matter which must be warned against. End quote.

Al-Sharh al-Mumti’ (1/294, 295).

3 – Praying regularly and on time, and being keen to do regular Sunnah and naafil prayers.

4 – Reciting a portion of Qur’aan regularly, and reciting the adhkaars for morning and evening, and reading about the lives and biographies of the imams.

5 – Seeking knowledge by reading, listening and watching. This is something that is required of every Muslim.

6 – Filling one’s time with acts of worship and obedience, and that which will be of benefit in one's spiritual and worldly affairs.

7 – Shunning bad company and looking for righteous friends to stay close to and benefit from their knowledge and good attitude.

8 – Seeking to get married straight away, to satisfy one’s desires in a permissible manner.

9 – Seeking the help of Allaah by calling upon Him and asking Him to save him from this sickness and calamity.

10 – Thinking about those who have fallen into this haraam kind of love and what it has led to, such as insanity, sickness and apostasy – Allaah forbid.

Ibn al-Qayyim said:

The remedy for this awful sickness is to seek the help of the One Who has control of the hearts and to turn sincerely to Him, keeping busy with remembrance of Him (dhikr) and trying to fill his heart with love for Him and closeness to Him, and thinking of the pain that may result from this love and pleasure, which leads to the loss of that which is most loved and the infliction of that which is most disliked. But if in spite of all that he still feels that he prefers to persist in his misguidance, then he should realize that there is no hope for him.

Al-Jawaab al-Kaafi (p. 174).

For more information please see the answer to question no. 27176.

And Allaah knows best.

format_quote Originally Posted by Studentofdeed

Sister i used to be like this...wanted a really gorgeous woman or grew up fantasizing and wanting to marry a kaffir woman. Now I realize those women are not even virgins and 9/10 will cheat on me. Im not marrying someone for love since that concept doesn't exist. Im marrying someome who will be a good mother to my child. That is why im being more careful. You have to think of long haul. As long as he is reasonable and good looking little bit...just marry him. Don't make so much fuss. Don't say its culture because sister I too was in the same situation but was able to change my.ideas and mindset. If I can do it, so can you

Heheh....slowly and surely you are sounding like me. You are like my son that I never have - grin -.

I don't think you should be "lowering" your standards per se, I think you should be changing them. To lower your standards is like saying your willing to accept anything which would obviously be the wrong mentality to take. There is nothing haram with wanting to be attracted to a potential spouse but if that is your priority, you will no doubt overlook other, possibly bad, qualities of that person.

The girl in your example needs to tone it down a bit. We are all creations of Allah, so to say someone, especially her husband, is ugly makes her sound like someone I would avoid 110% as a male. Someone who walks around with that kind of stuck up attitude does not deserve a pious man. That would be too good for her.

One thing I will say about the whole thing is that men in general are not exactly the best at self grooming. Remember that a lot of single guys live on their own, so our standards of what we think makes us look good might not fit what most females thinks makes us look good. Men and women see things differently. There are exceptions to that. There are guys who are so full of themselves where they pluck their eyebrows, get haircuts several times a week, never wear the same clothes twice, put tubs of gel in their hair, even wear make up, and so on. There is a specific word for it that slips my mind... Those types of people are what I would consider narcissists and I'm sure you're familiar with those types. For the rest of us "ugly" guys, it wouldn't take much to change the way we look. Something as simple as changing the way we cut our hair can make a worlds difference, so take that into consideration if looks are that big of a deal to you.

I would say plucking eyebrow is haram for both guys and girls but there are some guys who take care of their looks but are still good men. The Rasool SAW maintained his looks and his hair . The sister is not a complete lost cause as she came here seeking advixe. She knows this ideology is not good. That is a great step in the right direction. She has to just apply this step. Insha'Allah once her Iman grows stronger...these silly western ideas will fade. Based of this woedings..maybe the sister is still bit young? Insha'Allah she grows more mature and heeds our advice.

As for the sister...at the end of the day...a pious man will treat you like a queen. Literally. A handsome...sure he is handsome but know that handsome man will be arrogant and always have this thouggt in the back of his head that he can "get any girl." Meaning you will be 3xpexted to do more and he will do less because of his arrogance. How much are you willing to pay for those good looks? He may not even stay faithful.

As long as the guy is simple and decent looking...khlas...just marry him.

May Allah make it easier for you sister. I will keep you in my duas.

format_quote Originally Posted by *charisma*

Assalamu Alaikum,

This is definitely a cultural thing and yes it is shallow lol I'm glad you recognize that. The good thing though, is that you can unlearn cultural influences by seeking and placing importance on a person's depth and character rather than appearance and removing yourself from the things that influence you negatively. A person's personality can definitely change your perception and attraction towards him regardless of he looks.

About people being interested in your beauty because you cover up, do not worry about that. A man who is seriously considering marriage (generally) will not marry you or even consider you if he is not attracted to you, so it is best to assume that if someone is interested, then they are attracted to some extent, but this is not a priority.

If all else fails, marry a guy who simply can't grow a beard.

LOL!!!! Now that is one way you can do it!!

format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous

I don't know if what I'm doing is wrong.. Because of the culture I have grown up in and been conditioned to, I have certain standards of what I think is attractive in a man.. I've toned down standards after maturing.. but even then..

When I want to get married, I want a husband who is very religious which I have very high standards on that.. This itself is already hard enough to find around here. But on top of that, I am very picky with physical attractiveness. I'm trying to just find someone who is at least a little attractive. but the problem is that "a little attractive" is not so easy for me to find in most men, I get put off by looks very easily and I am extremelyyyy picky.. I get very put off by beards especially. And I know men are supposed to grow out beards

I feel bad because as soon as I may find a religious good suitor, I cant bear seeing myself with him because of the way he looks. And I don't know how to even turn someone down because I think they are un attractive. It makes me feel bad. I just make up some kind of excuse.

I think I may end up being single because of this. Is this wrong? Sometimes I just want to stay single because I don't want to end up being agitated with my partner over something so shallow.

On top of that, I dress like the orthodox strict way so it is hard for others to see if they are interested in my beauty..

please tell me what you think. I want to get married and fill half my deen but this holds me down and I might end up getting old and single so I may not find someone. I don't mean to be shallow either, its just how I am. I've tried compromising physical beauty but it drives me crazy

Do what makes you happy.
If you think you will not be happy if you marry someone who is
not attractive to you than don't do it.

There are plenty of religious guys out there, I am sure you will find someone. Just be patient and make du'a.

format_quote Originally Posted by abdurrahman23

Do what makes you happy.
If you think you will not be happy if you marry someone who is
not attractive to you than don't do it.

format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous

I feel like everyone is misunderstanding me here..

First of all.. I will never want to marry someone who isn't pious enough. No matter how handsome he is.

Next.. Why does handsome mean "arrogant, not pious, soon to be cheater".. Its like generalizing every handsome person.. I know you guys didn't mean it completely but just think about what you are saying.

I also didn't say that I completely hate beards.. I just get put off by it so easily. It could be bearable on some people. And I didn't say that I wanted to marry a beardless man

Most of the pious men have beards. i AM searching for someone pious.

But can we stop assuming that all beardless men are arrogant?? I've seen someone who kept struggling to grow his beard as a Muslim.. People would automatically judge him and assume he isn't religious but they never realized the problems he went through. He was extremely kind and studied deen, but after years he finally started growing it out.. And some people cant even grow beards. There is this one man. He'd always be questioned on why he doesn't have one as a Muslim.. He doesn't deserve to be judged




Right here.. this... I don't mind finding a decent looking person.. I don't think anyone understands


I feel to embarrassed to reveal my age because now everyone thinks I sound very young and immature for my actual age.. Even though I am not..

I am not trying to be immature, shallow, arrogant.. I am a very squeamish girl and it is part of my personality. I get will easily get uncomfortable by who I decide to be intimate with if I dont choose wisely. Thats just how I am. I'm being logical.

Imagine telling someone asexual to marry someone because they are just being immature. I'm not asexual but I'm just using this as an example. Im genuinely trying to reason with myself and be patient, that's all.


Worst case scenario.. I just remain patient until I find someone who is pious and I feel confident to choose or die single and hope that Allah isn't disappointed in me.

I still think you should not marry someone whom you don't like or you feel like being forced.
I cannot imagine having a wife who doesn't like me and feels like being forced with me. May Allah protect me from such a thing.