Need support and advice

sis, if I were you, and if I didn't have kids with him then I would divorce him.

It's very immature on your husband's part to share things between him and to with his mother - and especially the things you said about her in anger.

It's also highly unfair that your mom-in-law is thinking about her son's loneliness and ignoring your desire to visit your parents. How would she feel if your parents stopped your husband from visiting her?

Honestly sister, your marriage seems unstable and you have to stand up and tell them that you have rights too - like visiting your parents. You're husband married you, not purchase you like a slave.

You need to tell him that it's not good to share personal matters with his mother and he should tell you if he is unhappy so that you can try to resolve it. I don't understand why he doesn't see that his behavior only puts distance between you both.

As for visiting your parents, make the plan and go ahead with it. This is your right and if you give in to their wishes, they'll only oppress you more. If you don't go for their happiness, even then they'll find another reason to begrudge you. People like that are never satisfied and it's not worth the sacrifice.

But do be sincere in trying to show your husband the error of his ways. If down the line you feel he isn't making an effort then you have to seriously think about whether this marriage is for you or not.

Meanwhile, how about apologising to your mum-in-law and telling her you'd really like to visit your parents. I hope she isn't cruel enough to refuse and that your apology arouses some compassion in her heart.

But like I said, if she refuses......... just go ahead with it anyway. Your parents have much right to see their daughter as she has to see her son.

Good luck!

format_quote Originally Posted by IbnAbdulHakim

audhubillah, have you met the husband or the mother?

please let us properly assess the situation before saying something so grave.


sis i think this is something you should sit down and talk about inshaALlah. Get a family member involved or something inshaAllah.

i wish you the best.

yeh i totally agree with brother IbnAbdulHakin

format_quote Originally Posted by vpb

I didn't say anything about them cuz i dont know them, i just gave my opinion what I would do. cuz these things happen a lot a lot in my country and i haven't seen anything that has been solved regarding this problem. i'm just speaking what i've seen. but again i'm saying i dont know the sister or her husband or her mother in law. I just gave my opinion on the problem in esence.

and forgive me if I offended anyone

lol brother im sure u didnt offend any1 i know wht ur saying is also understandable!!

it'ok , i'll make dua for you inshaAllah

Jazakallah everyone for responding...I have tried to make my husband understand time and time again about the situation we are in...I have tried to explain what the relationship of husband and wife is as far as i know...he doesn't try to understand...his mom just comes in between everything...After he told her and everything she confronted me about the whole situation and she kept saying that I was wrong and I had said bad things and what she had done was in sincerity...so in the end she says lets forget everything and forgive....Its really hard to do that but I was trying...like call her everyday and talk to her for a while and all....neways what happened last week was i called her and she was busy so she said she would call me back...so i was like ok...i was a little relieved that i didn't have to talk to her....she called me later and i was on the other phone with a friend and didn't pick up her phone....she called me in the evening andi picked up and i was on the phone with another friend so i told her i'd call her back...a while later i did and she was mad at me and started saying you don't have to call me if your'e busy and just don't call me...etc. etc. i didn't say nething just asked about here and there and then said if ure busy we'll talk later....she said its upto u...so i said Allah Hafiz...I was really upset that here I am trying to make this situation better and this is what happens....So now i don't call her...if she calls and I pick up the phone she just asks for her son....so they talk....the other day he tells her that I think that u and and my wife are having problems...they talk on the seakerphone so i can hear....and she was like i'm not upset with neone...but someone is trying to blow me off and not being honest then i know (I had told her that i had been outside and not heard the phone ring which i know is wrong but i only wanted to avoid the situation from getting worse)...and i never said anything agains t neone...and she's like did she nething to u...did she did she....he said no... coz i haven't.....and she's like u sound upset...u can tell me whatever it is...u are my son...tell me tell me....newyas that was the conversation...so the thing is that i know if i say nething to him right now it will just get worse as he will tell her....i have discussed this situation with alot of my friends and they all feel that it's not normal...but i still want to make my marriage work....but i cannot leave my parents....i love and miss them so much....they had promised me when i first came that they would let me go and visit after one year...my husband's job was unstable so i didn't go....now it's a little settled and they still don't want me to go....my husband was saying yes u can go before but he usually changes his statement when the time comes....(my sis had come to canada last year and she did not have US visa so she could not come to visit me so i wanted to go, initially my husband said u can go and when the time came he's like don't as my job is new and i want someone here and i didn't go...my only sister and i haven't seen her for 3 years)...i just don't know what to do....

we don't have any kids and that bothers my in laws too...they say that if i have kids it will be for my good...and i should go to doctors and do this and that....my mom in law says that it won't help her in any way it will just be good for my marriage and my husband will become mature as soon as i have kids...but i'm not so sure...but I leave that also in Allah's hands....

someone said something about divorce....it does come into my mind but i don't want to take such a big decision right now...I have left everything upto Allah and I ask Him to guide me...if there is anyone here who can ask this masla from an Islamic scholar and what should be done from an Islamic point of view i would really appreciate it....Jazakallah again for all the support...it means alot....

yep, the best choice is to talk to a real islamic scholar and see what he says.

ahh gosh sis, I really feel for you darling. The scholar idea is good.. see what he says about the whole thing and we're here for you too inshaAllah. Let us know how things go.

Sis i can understand your situation, i've heard and seen it happening. One thing i would like to say is that when a women gets married into a extended family she is to be considered as the daughter of the house. Even though the in-laws are you elders and respectable, your foremost reason in that house is your husband, but if he fails to give you that place and respect in the house i don't relly see the difference between any other person and a wife. I'm not saying divorce is a good idea, but sis if you don't have any kids with him, then you should make a decision before any children gets involved. If this was an arranged marriage i think you should involve your parents into it as well, and don't be afraid of the consequenses.

You are not a servent there and you have a right as his wife over the house and everything he owns. And remember everything happens for a reason only known by Allah, we may not see the outcome of it there and then but in the long term it may be beneficial for you. Allah knows the best for you and so will he do. InshAllah.

Wassalam

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu

I really advise against divorce as this should only be resorted to in the most extreme of cases. For us Muslims, one divorce is one too many. Jazak Allah khair.

But this man is clearly not following Islamic guidance in a marriage. Sister, please know that you deserve better than this!!! Divorce is not liked in Islam, but neither is treating your wife poorly!!!

Well that's how i have been feeling...i feel like a maid most of the time as he wants everything done from me and then when he needs to talk to someone he calls his mom....i don't have a problem with him talking to her...she is his mother after all....but i do have a problem with him not talking to me....well neways i talked abt me and my husband having a big fight in my first post....i wanted to clarify what happened so that it will become easier to understand why i said bad things abt his mom(pls understand that i have not said bad things abt her before) my uncle and aunt's flight was going via our city and was delayed so my cousin asked me to go pick them up...so i told my husband abt it and initially he said ok...then he goes why don't u go pick them u urself as i'm really tired...he was laready back from work....i had given him his dinner and all and he was just relaxing at the time....so i got upset as it seemed to me as if he did not want them to come and stay with us...then after a while he says that y can't they stay somewhere else...we don't have space....(we have a small one bedroom aptmt) so i said u know it's not that big of a deal they can sleep newhere we can give them our bedroom and sleep on the sofa...and he was like no they can stay in a hotel or at their son's in laws (who live in the same city)...so i started getting really mad....i was crying and cleaning the house and he did not come to help me...after a while he realised i was crying so he comes and says ok i'll go with u and y are u crying etc....so then i just lost it and started yelling at him saying things like i'm uncomfortble when ure mom comes visit i never say nething to her...i don't like it when she is here and i hate her...she criticizes me all the time but i still stay quiet and ppl are always having their relatives over to stay....so after my ranting i got ready and asked him to come with me...he just became quiet and would not talk to me at all nad said he was mad and to just leave....so i left and called him after like 20 mins and apologized...and i asked him if he had told his mom...he said no...while on the way she called me but i did not pick up as i was driving...i got my uncle and aunt brought them home...when we arrived he had locked the door from inside...he came and opened it and then went staright to the room and got back into bed...without saying salaam to them...i went and asked him to atleast come and say salaam so he's like i'm wearing shorts so i gave him clothes and all and came outside where my aunt was still standing....they also felt that he did not want them there...neways after that he came sat with them for a while...i just told them that he wasn't feeling well...what else was i supposed to do....

i will post again soon what happened the next day after my uncle aunt had left...i'm sorry ppl for putting down such long posts bust just putting all this in words makes me feel better and this way i will remmber exactly what happened...not that i'm going to forget....but please remember me in your prayers....May Allah do what is best for everyone....

its been quite a while when i started this thread....things were quiet in the middle...i wasn't talking very much to my mom in law so things were quiet...but everyday my husband would say u had a fight with her and try to make things i don't better or worse by saying that to me and to his mom and then she would say things indirectly to me...this went on for about a week...i dreaded my husband's talks with his mom coz he used to say these things and involve me in it as well....and finally things erupted...

mom in law wanted to discuss with me...she talks i listen and cry...she said that i have said horrible things about her to my husband and that my family has been trying to break my home and she has been so good to me and i have trashed her and her family for my family....she threatened me that if i say nething against my husband's family he will leave me in a second...she said that my hubby's sis loves him so much that she can even kill someone for him...and she said that my family is pumping me against all of them and making me against them...she forbids me to go and see my family and then expects me to still love her....

when i listened to all this and cried and complained to my husband, the next day he comes and says to me i think u should pack up and leave and go to ure parents in pakistan and stay there indefinitely until we mke a decision...and we have to tell my mom abt this as she will get mad if u leave without telling her...i said i want to involve my family members too as they are not aware of nething...so i need to think a bit....two days later he asks his mom to let me go to pakistan and she says she has never stopped me from going and was just bring sincere as it would be good for me to stay with my husband and have a baby....and she wanted to discuss all this with me....i said no i still want to think...the next day he tells her that he had asked me to leave and she called me up and just starts with everything that ure life will be destroyed and that girls from good families don't go and get divorces and we have all been so good to u and ure sister is horrible and she has tried to destroy ure home and ure marriage(i talk to my sis like twice a month and she doesn't even know much abt all this) and that ure mom has also tried to do this and i have done so much for u and loved u like my own kids and u trashed me for all ure family..well neways she says u better talk to me properly and listen to me otherwise when ure hubby comes home he will fight and ure life will be destroyed and then don't call her to make my life better again....

anyways the call finished....all throughout the call she had my husband on the other phone listening and did not tell me till halfway through....i feel so horrible now and i don't know what to do...i feel like i'm going crazy....people are telling me to get a divorce and i think that is what it will end up in but i'm so confused and i don't know what to do....

all that i have read about divorce everywhere it says it should only be done in dire circumstances...i am unhappy and i feel that my husband will not change and i really don't know what to do...i don't want to take a decision whcih Allah will not be happy with!!!please just give feed back...it helps to know that ppl care enough to reply!!!

i'm sorry this is so long and i probably don't make sense but please just reply and it might make me feel better....