Invited for a meal ...

**glo** · 10-15-2007

Some of you will know that I started a thread inquiring about what best to give as a gift for Eid for a Muslim family in our street.
Well, I pondered the replies and gave them an Eid card and gift.
As a result I was asked whether we would like to come over for a meal sometime - which of course is lovely.

Here's the problem, though:

The Muslim family in question consists of the following people: an elderly aunty, a mother (of about my age) and two sons (10 and 12).
I don't know this for sure, but I am guessing that both women are widowed. There is no man in the household.

Now, from what I understand from our conversations (we have great language barriers!), the invitation only extends to me and my 10-year-old son - not to my husband and my teenage daughter.
Now, to me, quite frankly, that is really quite awkward. Certain members of my family are excluded from the invitation, apparently based on their gender and age ...
It's especially disappointing since my hubby is probably the one who would appreciate a Biriani the most!

What should I do? I am not sure that I can accept the invitation ...

Peace

**cute123** · 10-15-2007

It would be unwise to judge before hand, might be they could afford only 2 people, and invited you and your son at a random.

**Malaikah** · 10-15-2007

Hi Glo,

Don't be offended- if there is no adult male living there is is highly unlikely that any other adult males will be invited. Same if there is no adult female, you would not then expect any adult females to be invited either. (Because traditionally the males will entertain the male guests, and the females will entertain the female guests, unless they are close family.)

I know that in my family, my parents would not visit someones house unless both husband and wife are home (unless the family is very very close).

As for your daughter- well that is a mystery to me! maybe they thought your son would enjoy the company of her two boys, whereas your daughter would be bored to death having to sit around with older women...? Could be anything, really!

**IbnAbdulHakim** · 10-15-2007

why not ask the muslim family if it is ok to hav your husband come around aswell? maybe they'll get a man around (cousin/uncle etc) for his company?

**...** · 10-15-2007

Have u never called a female friend over without inviting her whole family?

**Tania** · 10-15-2007

You should accept it. Its a small chit-chat invitation not a family thing.

**AnonymousPoster** · 10-15-2007

I think they wanted to just give you the invitation but as your son maybe young? they thought they'll give you both the invite

And if my mom was widowed she wouldn't invite a non-mahrem man to eat with her, even is he was the nicest dude on earth because she veils and she can't eat with him with a veil on, even if she did not do the proper hijaab being a Muslim female she would feel insecure, i hope you understand.

Don't take it the wrong way sis!

**tomtomsmom** · 10-15-2007

I think you should go!

**Grace Seeker** · 10-16-2007

A question. Would it be ok, or impolite for just glo herself to accept, and for her son to remain at home? For glo's family this might seem more normal for one individual to be invited than taking half the family, but not the other half. When mixing cultures, I think that sometimes a little give on each side can find places that both can be comfortable with in the middle. What do you all think?

**glo** · 10-16-2007

Thank you, Grace Seeker. You explain my discomfort about this situation better than I did.

Of course there are social situations when not all members of a family are invited.
There may be 'girlie evenings' when only females are invited; or 'blokey events' when only males come along.

I could also understand a situation where, as a mother, I come along and spend time in the house of my son's schoolfriend, chatting with his mother and getting to know her.

But this situation is somehow different. This situation is the result of a gift that we as a whole family made to the other family. So not being invited as a whole family seems really strange and uncomfortable.

As Grace Seeker says, I would rather just go on my own, because being invited as an individual does not seem so unusual.

Thanks for all your thoughts and comments.

**Malaikah** · 10-16-2007

Glo,

I think you just need to appreciate that their culture is different to your own.

If it was my family there is no way your husband would have been invited if my dad wasn't home...

Was the whole family there when you gave the gift by the way?

**Grace Seeker** · 10-16-2007

Another thought on this, glo. You are being invited into their home. It is almost the same as if you were to go to another country, I think you need to accept the culture of that household. Now, that you've gotten some feedback from our Muslim friends here, I'm sure that you can explain it in terms of culture to the rest of your family. Then you can return the favor and invite them to your house, where of course it will be your culture that is the pattern. (Though I don't think I would serve ham.)

**snakelegs** · 10-16-2007

get a good recipe for biryani!

**Tania** · 10-21-2007

Are moments when the neighbours wants to be friends

. Your son could be friend with her sons, so the dinner could be only the beginning of their frienship. If you are going alone, this can happen much later or never.