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  1. #1
    lonely's Avatar
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    Unhappy Helpless!

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    Salaam everyone!

    I need some help.

    I've been married for 10 years and it's been quite a bumpy road.

    My husband is very boring, arrogant, humorless and self-centered.

    He is always sick or complaining about something or the other. We don't really have any 'real' conversations unless it's about his 3 favourite topics viz; his work, finances, the car. We don't go out, the only place we ever go to is my parents.

    Some years ago, I was so stressed that I took the kids and left, he promised he would change and we would even go for counselling, but that never happened. I really do love him, but at the moment in time I cannot stand looking or listening to him. I could tell much more than this, but I don't have the time or energy to explain.

    Any suggestions???


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    Rabi'ya's Avatar
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    Re: Helpless!



    sister, i think you need to sit him down and talk it out. try to stay calm and dont shout, argue or get things out of hand.

    Explain how you feel and that if things dont change or if he doenst change then you will have to take further action. I think it might be an idea to suggest the counselling again, and go as a couple. speak to the imam at your local masjid, who may be able to counsel you.

    Dont give up sister, please talk to him firstly and try to sort things out. Everyone goes through rought patches, im sure, inshAllah, with the help of Almighty Allah you can get through it.

    May Allah help you and guide you...ameen



    Rabi'ya:rose:

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    Helpless!




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    lonely's Avatar
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    Re: Helpless!

    Sitting down and talking to him takes up 99.9% of my energy. I feel so stressed at the moment, and it's affecting other areas in my life, especially my children, I end up sending them to bed early, just becuase I want to be alone, even when I try to do something with them, he ends up yelling, becuase he can't concentrate on his work - he works from home - I really am so sick of his attitude.

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    MetSudaisTwice's Avatar
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    Re: Helpless!

    salam
    that is probably the best and the most civilised solution to your problem as sis rabiya has mentioned
    just communicate with each other more, thats my advice
    wasalam

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    Ameeratul Layl's Avatar
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    Re: Helpless!

    Quote Originally Posted by lonely View Post
    Sitting down and talking to him takes up 99.9% of my energy.
    I feel so stressed at the moment, and it's affecting other areas in my life, especially my children, I end up sending them to bed early, just becuase I want to be alone,

    Sis, u cant neglect ur kids. U do that now and theyll never want to love you and then....theyll start to rebel. Do u want that? I doubt it very much!!

    even when I try to do something with them, he ends up yelling, becuase he can't concentrate on his work - he works from home - I really am so sick of his attitude.
    Hmmmmm......dont he have a room of his won. And how old is the YOUNGEST child?
    Helpless!

    [MOUSE]hAvE A nIcE dAy[/MOUSE]

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    lonely's Avatar
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    Thanks Ameeratul Layl

    How many kids u got sis?
    3
    How long has this been going on for?
    Oh, most of my married life, there were times it was okay or shall I say bearable!
    Do both of u work?
    Yes!
    wat do YOU think has triggered tbis behaviour off?
    I don't think anything has triggered it, he just needs a good attitude adjustment.

    The baby is 2 years old!

    He doesn't have a room of his own, our place is big enough!!!

    I meant to say our place is NOT big enough!!!sorry
    Last edited by zAk; 11-17-2005 at 11:35 AM.

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    Re: Helpless!

    salam
    sis you got to have a really close bond and relationship with your childrens so that your husband realises that he should really love and respect you more now that you are caring for his childrens, and sis talk in a clam way to him and don't ever give up if he still shows you bad attitude
    tell him that you both should sort out the problems before it gets so worse and it will effect the kids
    wasalam

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    Re: Helpless!

    Ok sis, you should not bring the children into this dispute between you and your husband. I, for one, know this from experience. the child will end up blaming themselves. Please do not let them realise the tension. Explain this to your husband and tell him that you have to put the children before anything else,

    this in itself may help the situation because you both have a common goal. You should set down specific family time and try to re-build the bond as a couple and as a family. Try going out once a week, say on a saturday with the kids and go to the park, or to an event, or attraction. If your local masjid does talks that would be anexcellent even to go to as you can go as a family, and you can learn something too. The kids will be kept occupied too, inshAllah



    Rabi'ya:rose:
    Helpless!




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    Ameeratul Layl's Avatar
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    Re: Helpless!

    Quote Originally Posted by lonely View Post
    Thanks Ameeratul Layl

    How many kids u got sis? 3

    MashAllah...thats weet. U sed ur youngest is 2 years old. Is this cild close to the father?
    How long has this been going on for? Oh, most of my married life, there were times it was okay or shall I say bearable!

    Wat makes u want to spill it all out now sis? I must ask this cuz I need to know how u feel.....
    Do both of u work? Yes!

    And gud money is coming in?


    wat do YOU think has triggered tbis behaviour off? I don't think anything has triggered it, he just needs a good attitude adjustment.
    hmmmm...im thinking about that one ^^^^^
    Helpless!

    [MOUSE]hAvE A nIcE dAy[/MOUSE]

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    Re: Helpless!

    If I start telling him about his attitude, he gets down on me, and tells me that maybe I need an attitude adjustment then he will get one. How do you have a civilized discussion with someone like this?

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    Rabi'ya's Avatar
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    Re: Helpless!

    Just a thought - wheredo you live sis?



    Rabi'ya:rose:
    Helpless!




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    Ameeratul Layl's Avatar
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    Re: Helpless!

    Quote Originally Posted by lonely View Post
    If I start telling him about his attitude, he gets down on me, and tells me that maybe I need an attitude adjustment then he will get one. How do you have a civilized discussion with someone like this?
    Dont scream and shout....talk to him with nice and kind words...amaze him!! Hell probably click after a while.
    Helpless!

    [MOUSE]hAvE A nIcE dAy[/MOUSE]

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    Re: Helpless!

    salam
    sis then maybe you need to telling him with a firm tone of voice that he best sort himself out before it really effects the kids, tell him that if he really loves you and his kids then he will sort him out
    either that or give him an ultimatum
    wasalam

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    Re: Helpless!

    Actually the money is coming in, but there was a business that went bad 2 years ago, which left us with a lot of debt! The point is not wanting to spill it out now, it's been going on for a long while already! It's just reached boiling point!

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    Re: Helpless!

    I am out in South Africa, Cape Town to be exact!

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    Re: Helpless!

    salam
    sis you have to tell your husband that it isn't fair that just coz he had financial trouble he should take it out on you and your family
    just continue to tell him that you need to sort out problems and try more counselling if you can
    wasalam

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    Ameeratul Layl's Avatar
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    Re: Helpless!

    Quote Originally Posted by metsudaistwice View Post
    salam
    just continue to tell him that you need to sort out problems and try more counselling if you can
    wasalam


    Tht doesnt work brother. Its a load of....trash if u ask me.
    But, sis, If u feel it does and it will...then ur more than welcome to go ahead with it.

    Allah ma3ik
    Helpless!

    [MOUSE]hAvE A nIcE dAy[/MOUSE]

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    Re: Helpless!

    salam
    invite family and friends around to your house as invitations which can normally help
    wasalam

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    Re: Helpless!


    I hope God makes everythign easy for you.

    Amaeen.

    Salaam

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    Re: Helpless!

    Quote Originally Posted by Buthaynah View Post

    I hope God makes everythign easy for you.

    Amaeen.

    Salaam
    ameen.....


    sis, i would say that you initally try to talk to him. dont bring up what you think is wrong with him....tell him that u r aware of the friction between you and ask him what he wants you to change about urself. be strong take any criticisms he has to give them say to him that you accept them and you will try to work on x, y and z(pick a few of the things he says) then ask him if he's willing to listen to you about what upsets you and whether he would be willing to change a couple of things about himself too.



    Rabi'ya:rose:
    Helpless!




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