Actually, even if you can't advise islamically, please give any advice that will help keep the situation under control. I can get really angry when people wrong someone, and they will object. I know I can remind myself, but it reinforces it when it comes from others.
Send her back to her home country for awhile where she can spend her time with her parents and contemplate whether to continue with the marriage or take divorce...
i. What do you plan on doing exactly sister? Would you barge in, tell her to pack her bags and you'll take her to your home? I think you should have a plan for the future too. What will she do in a few weeks time and what does she want for the future?
ii. What does the sister think about her situation? Does she want a divorce? If so, why doesn't she get one herself (apparently if her husband is willing)?
This is shocking. Sadly this happens a lot. I can't stand mother in laws who are so evil. Time and time again you hear of such stories.
If you can get in contact with an imam/scholar then try to do so because they can give you the best possible advice.
People will say why are you getting involved for - its got nothing to do with you. However its commendable what your trying to do. I understand. The fact that the husband is not doing nothing then I suppose you can do something about it. So go for it. I know I'd do it but are you at risk? What are the consequences? Are you friends with the sister or family? Will the sister live with you? Will the family know that you have taken the sister?
Get her to leave herself. Her husband has stated that if she doesn't want to live with her, she is free to go. So I think she should. Has she any kids? If she hasn't then it will be better an easier. Convince her. She ain't nobodies slave. She has rights as a woman/wife. Her husband is ignorant.
When they got married or when she came over. Her husband had a duty. One of them was to get a place of their own. If that wasn't possible then surely he should have protected her. He failed her.
Look at it from the sister's side - she has made enormous sacrifices by leaving her parents and siblings and moving into a completely new family. She should be given huge respect for making that sacrifice. But these days Muslims are ignorant. Often we see the opposite in some Muslim homes. Husbands think that by marriage they have gained a slave! Astaghfirullah! The fact is that this is the case here.
You mentioned that in the family there are brothers poor sister has to do everything not only for the husband but for every one else in the family as well. This is a joke! This is nothing but outright oppression! Mother is evil the way she treated her own daughter. Until people get that stupid mentality out their heads that marrying a woman isn't for just looking after their in laws or cooking/cleaning etc then this will continue.
ALLAH(SWT) knows best but I can't understand the husband. Yes its the duty of the children to look after their parents but he has brothers there that can look after the mother. Why is he neglecting his wife?
No one should go through this. Can I just say contact a scholar if you can.
Brothers & sister don't forget the 6 fasts of Shawwal
Abu Ayyub al-Ansari(ra) narrated, the Prophet(SAW) said, "Whoever fasted Ramadan with the then connect with the (fasting) six days in Shawwal, the (reward) as he was fasting for a year." (Muslim,Abu Dawood,al-Tirmidhi, al-Nisaai & Ibn Maajah).
Thank you all for your replies. I am rushing out as my mother is coming to pick me up. We just lost a dear old family friend, please make dua for him inshaAllah. We're off there now. But I will try and reply to your posts before I go to the sister's house tonite inshaAllah. May Allah reward you all. May Allah love my brothers and sisters. Ameen
Send her back to her home country for awhile where she can spend her time with her parents and contemplate whether to continue with the marriage or take divorce...
This is what I think.
I think she should go back too, but she feels ashamed to face her family. Particularly one group of relatives who'd wanted her hand in marriage. I can understand where she's coming from, as our people don't waste a second before making mockery of someone's ill fortune.
i. What do you plan on doing exactly sister? Would you barge in, tell her to pack her bags and you'll take her to your home? I think you should have a plan for the future too. What will she do in a few weeks time and what does she want for the future?
Yes, I planned exactly that. I think they need to see that there are people who will stand up to evil oppression. I just want her out for now, and was going to bring her to stay with me, until we contacted her family back home and consulted them.
ii. What does the sister think about her situation? Does she want a divorce? If so, why doesn't she get one herself (apparently if her husband is willing)?
She feels that if it was only her and her husband, they'd be ok. But then due to the MIL's treatment of her, and her husband's lack of support, she has also sent out desperate text messages saying if no one helps her she will walk out.
it's hard to come to a conclusion after hearing one side story. Cooking and doing other household things are common for women in sub continent. I guess , the sis knew before marriage that she will have to do all these things .
Anyway , is it possible for them to move to another home ? Before taking any major decision like divorce , she should offer Istekhara and talk to parents.
Christ will never be proud to reject to be a slave to God .....holy Quran, chapter Women , 4: 172
This is shocking. Sadly this happens a lot. I can't stand mother in laws who are so evil. Time and time again you hear of such stories.
If you can get in contact with an imam/scholar then try to do so because they can give you the best possible advice.
I forgot to say in my first reply that we couldn’t go today after all, as one of my relatives who was going to accompany me got ill. Qadr Allah. I think even before I contact an imam, I know he will advise patience. That's all they ever do. If they actually offered to intervene and then advise patience, no problem. But they don't. But since my brother advised I will do it tomorrow inshaAllah.
People will say why are you getting involved for - its got nothing to do with you. However its commendable what your trying to do. I understand. The fact that the husband is not doing nothing then I suppose you can do something about it. So go for it. I know I'd do it but are you at risk? What are the consequences? Are you friends with the sister or family? Will the sister live with you? Will the family know that you have taken the sister?
I agree. That’s the first thing they will say. I will answer them with this hadith. On the authority of Abu Sa’id al-Khudri, radiyallahu ‘anhu, who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, say: “When any one of you sees anything that is disapproved (of by Allah), let him change it with his hand. If he is not able to do so, then let him change it with his tongue. And if he is not able to do so, then let him change it with his heart, though that is the weakest (kind of) faith.”
[Muslim] jazakAllah khayr for your concern brother, but I’m not at risk inshaAllah. Let's say something happens to me. It would've happend doing a good deed. So hamdulillah. If they prevent me from taking her, I will simply call the police for assistance. InshaAllah, I'll keep the sister in my house until we consult her family. They still don't know what is going on with her.
Get her to leave herself. Her husband has stated that if she doesn't want to live with her, she is free to go. So I think she should. Has she any kids? If she hasn't then it will be better an easier. Convince her. She ain't nobodies slave. She has rights as a woman/wife. Her husband is ignorant.
She won’t. She has threatened to walk out before. But then when she calms down, she changes her mind. Her biggest worry is that people back home will mock her and laugh at her as she had thought she was going to England and now look what’s happened to her. That is one reason she won’t walk out as she thinks she will be sent back by immigration.
Look at it from the sister's side - she has made enormous sacrifices by leaving her parents and siblings and moving into a completely new family. She should be given huge respect for making that sacrifice. But these days Muslims are ignorant. Often we see the opposite in some Muslim homes. Husbands think that by marriage they have gained a slave! Astaghfirullah! The fact is that this is the case here.
You mentioned that in the family there are brothers poor sister has to do everything not only for the husband but for every one else in the family as well. This is a joke! This is nothing but outright oppression! Mother is evil the way she treated her own daughter. Until people get that stupid mentality out their heads that marrying a woman isn't for just looking after their in laws or cooking/cleaning etc then this will continue.
Some people are too arrogant to appreciate good people. This girl is so nice mashaAllah. Even the MIL’s friends praise her. She works like a slave. But this woman.. subhanAllah. The husband pays her £10 a week and gives his mother a £100. She can’t cook what she likes and when she did once, her MIL said she has wasted their money by cooking two dishes. SubhanAllah!
ALLAH(SWT) knows best but I can't understand the husband. Yes its the duty of the children to look after their parents but he has brothers there that can look after the mother. Why is he neglecting his wife?No one should go through this. Can I just say contact a scholar if you can.
The husband is a muppet. We did wonder if the MIL is doing voodoo on him. The sis did find a bunch of talisman in the house, but she left them where they were out of fear of her MIL. However the two younger brothers aren’t in the MIL’s control. One hates her and recently tried to kill himself. SubhanAllah. So I doubt the talisman are to blame, otherwise they'd all be in a trance under her spell. As far as the sister's husband is concerned, his mother's threats to leave/die seem more potent than any magic out there.
May Allah guide us to make the right decision. I agree if it wasn't for the MIL, the marriage could've been so different. Such a waste of life.
it's hard to come to a conclusion after hearing one side story. Cooking and doing other household things are common for women in sub continent. I guess , the sis knew before marriage that she will have to do all these things .
Anyway , is it possible for them to move to another home ? Before taking any major decision like divorce , she should offer Istekhara and talk to parents.
doing house hold duties is normal of course but being an actual SLAVE is another thing entirely.
if she wants people to cook food for her, she should hire servants, i believe this is the proper custom of pakistanis to my knowledge.
these things can get very ugly. it sounds like the MIL has a vile temper on her too since she dragged her out of the car. i watched a true movie not to long ago.. it was called provoked in which a woman was getting oppressed by her husband and her MIL witnessed everything and lied to protect her son in court.
this could turn ugly after a while and the MIL could turn violent and have her son lie to police about it.
it's hard to come to a conclusion after hearing one side story. Cooking and doing other household things are common for women in sub continent. I guess , the sis knew before marriage that she will have to do all these things .
Anyway , is it possible for them to move to another home ? Before taking any major decision like divorce , she should offer Istekhara and talk to parents.
No one in their right mind objects to a daughter-in-law cooking for her in-law provided her health and comfort are not compromised. It's a charitable act. But the mother-in-law has no right to demand it from the sis. Is it right of them to expect her to change her bro-in-laws bed sheets? I find it disgusting that a muslimah should to have to touch a ghair mahram's bedding. They wake up different times of the day and she is supposed to drop everything to cook for them? She is expected to go to them wherever they are in the house and ask if they want any food? SubhanAllah.
I'm surprised you are saying the sis knew she had to do all these things before marriage. I think you didn't read the posts carefully sis. The husband already said if she can't live like this then she can go but he will never leave his mother. Despite that I am not thinking of divorce, astaghfirullah. Right now, the only thing we want is to get the sister out of there and hopefully give the MIL an opportunity to come off her high horse. She needs to learn to not interfere between a wife and husband and expect everyone to be under her rule. If she learns and lets them make their own decisions, then al hamdulillah. But if she continues to make this girl's life a misery, then inshaAllah I'm not going to let that happen. Really, I'm surprised you said what you said about one side of the story. But it doesn't matter. We have seen a lot of what I mentioned with our own eyes. And I have no reason to lie. No one dares stands up to this woman. But I will inshaAllah.
wa alaykum us-Salaam
Speak to a reliable and knowledge shiekh.
as mentioned, you need a plan. ok so you remove her from the house...stuff happens where she may have to go back. in that case, the mother-in-law may act twice as worse? think of the possible consequences of your actions and if you do anything, dont leave any room to put her in more trouble/danger.
can the husband not do anything?
i think the mother-in-law needs help. really
Last edited by Ummu Sufyaan; 09-08-2010 at 09:19 AM.
...desperate for husnul-khitaam...
please make dua that Allah grants me a good end (to my life). please make dua that Allah guides me.
format_quote Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
I think she should go back too, but she feels ashamed to face her family. Particularly one group of relatives who'd wanted her hand in marriage. I can understand where she's coming from, as our people don't waste a second before making mockery of someone's ill fortune.
That's good, she can go back, take a divorce and marry in her relatives who'd wanted her hand before. You mentioned that she's from Pakistan and I think people in Pakistan are understanding and they'll give them a second chance.
format_quote Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
I forgot to say in my first reply that we couldn’t go today after all, as one of my relatives who was going to accompany me got ill. Qadr Allah. I think even before I contact an imam, I know he will advise patience. That's all they ever do. If they actually offered to intervene and then advise patience, no problem. But they don't. But since my brother advised I will do it tomorrow inshaAllah.
Yes do get in contact with an imam/scholar. I do agree that some have advice that isn't the best so I wouldn't look to contact anyone that has come originally from the sub-continent. There are quite a few sheikhs bought up here who have great understanding and knowledge. If you have the phone number of any Masjids then contact them, ask a few different imams for advice. Anyway it shouldn't put you off cos I think you know what you want to do.
format_quote Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
I agree. That’s the first thing they will say. I will answer them with this hadith. On the authority of Abu Sa’id al-Khudri, radiyallahu ‘anhu, who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, say: “When any one of you sees anything that is disapproved (of by Allah), let him change it with his hand. If he is not able to do so, then let him change it with his tongue. And if he is not able to do so, then let him change it with his heart, though that is the weakest (kind of) faith.”
[Muslim] jazakAllah khayr for your concern brother, but I’m not at risk inshaAllah. Let's say something happens to me. It would've happend doing a good deed. So hamdulillah. If they prevent me from taking her, I will simply call the police for assistance. InshaAllah, I'll keep the sister in my house until we consult her family. They still don't know what is going on with her.
SubhanaALLAH. Wonderful Hadith. As long as you know what your doing InshaALLAH then it should be OK.
format_quote Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
She won’t. She has threatened to walk out before. But then when she calms down, she changes her mind. Her biggest worry is that people back home will mock her and laugh at her as she had thought she was going to England and now look what’s happened to her. That is one reason she won’t walk out as she thinks she will be sent back by immigration.
Tricky situation. She has been here for 2 years now. Has she not got her stay in the UK? I think when you come over - you have 2 years to do pass some tests. Not sure. Find out from her because if she does leave and divorce was the option taking by either party then she will probably be sent back to Pakistan by immigration. That's only if she hasn't got her citizenship. Before doing anything sister find out because I'm sure the sister would want to stay in the UK for the forseeable future. At the moment she is living with her husband and he provides/supports her. That's what immigration think. If she is in the process of completing the tests then let her complete it before doing anything. Its important if she wants to live here permanently then to stick it out for a bit longer. that People back home can laugh all they want. They don't realise what goes on. They think life is easy here. Try to remind the sister that would she want to remain a slave or have people laugh at her. How long are the people going to laugh at her?
format_quote Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
Some people are too arrogant to appreciate good people. This girl is so nice mashaAllah. Even the MIL’s friends praise her. She works like a slave. But this woman.. subhanAllah. The husband pays her £10 a week and gives his mother a £100. She can’t cook what she likes and when she did once, her MIL said she has wasted their money by cooking two dishes. SubhanAllah!
Well the MIL has her working as a slave no doubt. Ignorant is what comes to mind.
format_quote Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
The husband is a muppet. We did wonder if the MIL is doing voodoo on him. The sis did find a bunch of talisman in the house, but she left them where they were out of fear of her MIL. However the two younger brothers aren’t in the MIL’s control. One hates her and recently tried to kill himself. SubhanAllah. So I doubt the talisman are to blame, otherwise they'd all be in a trance under her spell. As far as the sister's husband is concerned, his mother's threats to leave/die seem more potent than any magic out there.
The husband has a duty towards his wife. If he can't fulfil it then the sister has options. Try to speak to the imam about this too.
format_quote Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
May Allah guide us to make the right decision.
Ameen.
format_quote Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
I agree if it wasn't for the MIL, the marriage could've been so different. Such a waste of life.
Its been a waste of 2 years for the sister. She can still get out of it. MIL's normally have trouble with their daughter in laws which is why it is often said by scholars that the husband and wife should move out to a residence of their own if possible especially if the MIL is causing trouble between them.
Take into account what I have said above about immigration. Speak to the sister. You need to play it cleverly. Plan it properly. Don't do nothing yet without speaking to the sister about her status here in the UK. Has she got permanent residence or not?
Last edited by Abdul Wahid; 09-08-2010 at 08:04 AM.
Brothers & sister don't forget the 6 fasts of Shawwal
Abu Ayyub al-Ansari(ra) narrated, the Prophet(SAW) said, "Whoever fasted Ramadan with the then connect with the (fasting) six days in Shawwal, the (reward) as he was fasting for a year." (Muslim,Abu Dawood,al-Tirmidhi, al-Nisaai & Ibn Maajah).
I don't mean to be rude. But you have named this thread as "urgent advice needed". But it seems to me you are not looking for advice. You only want confirmation that what you are going to do is right. But I feel that you would go ahead and do what you think even if everyone here says you shouldn't. Moreover, none of here have witnessed this sister's struggle as you have, therefore we are in no position to give any advice.
Which makes me wonder why you started this thread in the first place. We surely sympathise with the oppressed sister and can do no more from where we are than offer our sincere du'as that Allah would give her a better life in this world and an even better one in the next.
“Invite (all) to the Way of thy Lord with wisdom and beautiful preaching; and argue with them in ways that are best and most gracious. " (16:125)
Rasulullah said, “Anyone who conceals (the defects of) a Muslim, Allah will conceal them (their defects) in this world and in the Hereafter.”
That's good, she can go back, take a divorce and marry in her relatives who'd wanted her hand before. You mentioned that she's from Pakistan and I think people in Pakistan are understanding and they'll give them a second chance.
It would be a good idea for her to go back. Spend time with her family.
No the people from Pakistan are not understanding. Their backwards. That's the reality of it. Second chances are far and few between. Especially for sisters. People (families/guys) have this funny mentality that once a sister is divorced then she isn't worth considering for marriage. Their are sisters out there who have re-married but they are a few.
No disrespect to the sister but if she wanted to get married (after divorce) from Pakistan then people will look to see if she has permanent residence in the UK. If she has then there is a good possibilty of marriage. This is the sad reality. ALLAH(SWT) knows best.
InshaALLAH it works out good for the sister.
Brothers & sister don't forget the 6 fasts of Shawwal
Abu Ayyub al-Ansari(ra) narrated, the Prophet(SAW) said, "Whoever fasted Ramadan with the then connect with the (fasting) six days in Shawwal, the (reward) as he was fasting for a year." (Muslim,Abu Dawood,al-Tirmidhi, al-Nisaai & Ibn Maajah).
format_quote Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
... the mother-in-law has no right to demand it from the sis.
sis , I did not say it's a must for a Muslimah to do household things .
Anyway , can u ask the sis what was finalised about these maters before she got married and came to the west ? Surely someone discussed about these matters ? Because in Indo-Pak subcontinent , hiring maid is very cheap but not in the west .
My advice is talk to her parents / Mufti . Don't do anything right now that could break her marital relationship . Remember , it's easy to break anything but hard to establish a relationship .
.
The husband already said if she can't live like this then she can go but he will never leave his mother.
why the question of leaving mom ? If they move to another place , surely he will always keep a good relationship with mom . It's sad that why a man has to choose between mom and wife . All parties should show more patience in such conditions.
May Allah grants what is best for the family.
.[/QUOTE]
Christ will never be proud to reject to be a slave to God .....holy Quran, chapter Women , 4: 172
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what a evil person to let her daughter go to christcians.
i hope everything goes well inshallah
Send her back to her home country for awhile where she can spend her time with her parents and contemplate whether to continue with the marriage or take divorce...
would give her a better life in this world and an even better one in the next.
said, “Anyone who conceals (the defects of) a Muslim, Allah will conceal them (their defects) in this world and in the Hereafter.”
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