Hi i got a problem
Recently ive come back to islam
A sin i cant stop is disobdience to my mother.
I argue EVERYDAY with my mother
My mother is around 45yrs and is VERY stuborn.
she never likes to be told shes wrong by me or her family, friends or work colleges on top of that she makes LIES up to make her self seem right in many sittiuations
If she has an opinion reguarding religion etc she will stick by it no matter what.
So when i correct her on certain things she says about religion which is incorrect (i studied at islamic school for 6 years in the past)
She gets very angry and SHOUTS while speaking when you explain to her that shes wrong on something thats shes believed her whole life .
she will not accept shes ever wrong..until the entire world will tells her shes wrong..
she thinks shes NEVER wrong
Her OWN Family members have even stoped talking to her in the past because of how argumentative and stuborn she is and some still dont speak to her..
Shes the type that even if i prove her wrong in something .. then get her brothers and sisters to tell her shes wrong..she argues with them aswel and sticks by her opinion against the whole family ...then after years she wont admit shes wrong....she will then will switch it to "oh i didnt mean that i said this" or blame someone else apart from her..
20 years of my life with her i can only remember her admit she was wrong ONCE in my life..
We argue EVERYDAY
Would there be any sin if i just stop having religions discusions with her?she makes alot of lies up reguarding religion...even tho she believes its true
Do i get sins even though i try not to disrespect her? but sometimes i cant control my tounge and voice..
I just cant stand people who think they are right when they are wrong..
Its only me and her in the house so shes the only one i physically talk to at home..
And its always debates and arguments..
How do i control my tounge with a mother who is stuborn,loves to argue, has anger issues, lies alot and is indenial and shouts when proven wrong by ANYBODY?
"And the servants of the Most Merciful are those who walk upon the earth easily, and when the ignorant address them [harshly], they say [words of] peace," Qur'an 25:63
There are people among our family members who are Muslims and who are not Muslims. They are either ones who pursuit truth or pursuit their desires (what they want to be the truth, not what factual evidence and objective arguments says is the truth).
As how you are putting it, she isn't really interested in to know and understand the truth. So if people are like that, "say words of peace" ie. don't discuss with her anymore. Just leave her be. You as her son, MUST OBEY her as long she does not contradict Islam. So if she says for example go drink alcohol, you off course do not do it. So if she also is 100% convinced or invents lies to say she is right, still do not obey her. But leave her be in her ignorance and pride.
I have also family members like that. They will find excuses to say they are right. But correct them and if they do not agree with you without any good objective argument. Day of Judgement for sure will also come as they know you are right and what they are doing is wrong.
She understands&everything but oh she don't like me but we got to to be good & I care for her because she cared for me in my hard times.
So avoid confrontations on Deen& remain at distance.... It will save your Imaan& alot of headache & also it's forbidden in Religion to argue esp on Deen ,to add speaking angrily & with mom......
It would not be beneficial at all ....sins upon sins.....
Leave her matter to ALLAH Ta'ala & make dua for her alot!
"And the servants of the Most Merciful are those who walk upon the earth easily, and when the ignorant address them [harshly], they say [words of] peace," Qur'an 25:63
There are people among our family members who are Muslims and who are not Muslims. They are either ones who pursuit truth or pursuit their desires (what they want to be the truth, not what factual evidence and objective arguments says is the truth).
As how you are putting it, she isn't really interested in to know and understand the truth. So if people are like that, "say words of peace" ie. don't discuss with her anymore. Just leave her be. You as her son, MUST OBEY her as long she does not contradict Islam. So if she says for example go drink alcohol, you off course do not do it. So if she also is 100% convinced or invents lies to say she is right, still do not obey her. But leave her be in her ignorance and pride.
I have also family members like that. They will find excuses to say they are right. But correct them and if they do not agree with you without any good objective argument. Day of Judgement for sure will also come as they know you are right and what they are doing is wrong.
Is HARD to say "words of peace" when my mum is CLEARLY wrong in certain basics of islam. and then argues with you when you tell her nicely shes wrong...
she gives me such an attitutude when she talks and raises her voice with arrogance its hard to walk away from her like that without getting angry and shouting back.. and she always has to have the last say in every argument... when i explain shes wrong she litrallly will make a dirty face and roll her eyes and move her head up and down and say "okay" in a low tone continuously which boils my blood.
And she does it knowingly that it irriates the hell out of me.
Thats all she does when she has lost an argument
I love her but her stuborness and pride gets in the way of me being able to fully love her... i cant fullly love someone when they display pride and arrogance when they are told they are wrong...
Also she has an issues on EVERYTHING if for e.g my cousin walks shell say why do you walk like that ... if some people talk a certain way which is acceptable but different to her shell say "why do you talk like that, talk properly" shes got issues with everyone not just me.
She understands&everything but oh she don't like me but we got to to be good & I care for her because she cared for me in my hard times.
So avoid confrontations on Deen& remain at distance.... It will save your Imaan& alot of headache & also it's forbidden in Religion to argue esp on Deen ,to add speaking angrily & with mom......
It would not be beneficial at all ....sins upon sins.....
Leave her matter to ALLAH Ta'ala & make dua for her alot!
Many people changes....
Its hard to remain distant from her since its only me and my mum living together... and considering she does pray etc and watches religions youtube videos she always talks about religion ... i cant escape that topic.. when we eat its always about islam which i love talking about but... not with her... but thats all she and i have in common and can talk about...
Other than that me and her have nothing in common and if i dont speak to her anything related to islam we have nothing to talk about.
talk about the teachings of both faiths, instead of the theology, learn to show her the practice of Islam and how it mirrors what all the prophet and messengers of God taught, including Jesus pbuh.
Its hard to remain distant from her since its only me and my mum living together... and considering she does pray etc and watches religions youtube videos she always talks about religion ... i cant escape that topic.. when we eat its always about islam which i love talking about but... not with her... but thats all she and i have in common and can talk about...
Other than that me and her have nothing in common and if i dont speak to her anything related to islam we have nothing to talk about.
So then what do i do?
Why you talk ?I mean just stay to yourself,friends or online community....
If she's watching YouTube vdos ,then just make dua for your mom!
There's a reward in leaving arguments, a reserved place in JAnnah .....there's a hadeeth regarding it.
Avoid her&you can boil her blood pressure or she yours & may ALLAH Ta'ala protect you both from any harms Aameen
People get to hospitals in fit of rage or even die.... So please let her alone -& you stay to your life.....
Kind smiles&Salaam talk is enough.And to her her qabr,to you yours!
talk about the teachings of both faiths, instead of the theology, learn to show her the practice of Islam and how it mirrors what all the prophet and messengers of God taught, including Jesus pbuh.
Is HARD to say "words of peace" when my mum is CLEARLY wrong in certain basics of islam. and then argues with you when you tell her nicely shes wrong...
she gives me such an attitutude when she talks and raises her voice with arrogance its hard to walk away from her like that without getting angry and shouting back.. and she always has to have the last say in every argument... when i explain shes wrong she litrallly will make a dirty face and roll her eyes and move her head up and down and say "okay" in a low tone continuously which boils my blood.
And she does it knowingly that it irriates the hell out of me.
Thats all she does when she has lost an argument
I love her but her stuborness and pride gets in the way of me being able to fully love her... i cant fullly love someone when they display pride and arrogance when they are told they are wrong...
Also she has an issues on EVERYTHING if for e.g my cousin walks shell say why do you walk like that ... if some people talk a certain way which is acceptable but different to her shell say "why do you talk like that, talk properly" shes got issues with everyone not just me.
You know bro, it more now looks like YOU are the cause of your own problem instead of she. There are people that are OBNOXIOUS!!..yet let them be, i just ignore them. For you not being able to ignore her, says rather something about you instead of her. About words of peace, you also kind of miss the complete understanding of it. Words of peace is not just "peace", but things that are not offending and leave her be. If somebody says this is X, clearly it is not X, if you know that this is a person that is typically one of those people that is trying actively to make it X, you just leave those people. There is no way you can reason with them. That is the whole understanding behind what i am trying to say. People like that exist, the solution is how to deal with them? In case like this YOU say your mother is SUPER ignorant and and stubborn and shows a lot of pride. Leave her be, Allah will deal with her, not you. Show her the right way, not talk to her what she needs to know. Somebody who shows pride isn't because that individual doesn't know, it is rather not wanting to admit. So if that person doesn't want to admit he/she is wrong, what can you do? Nothing. Leave her in her pride.
She is your mother, in other words, this is rather a big fitna for you till your or her death. So how do you handle such people? Just ignore them. Do NOT engage in discussions, keep all the talks with her very lightly. Sometimes wisdom is not answering or saying i don't know, although you might know the answer to it. To give you a better explanation why haven't i personally learned so much as a scholar? Because when i am ready to suck up the knowledge and understanding i will get it in'sha'Allah and about my own dedication to pursuit this knowledge and understanding, but right now much has to do that even if somebody would tell me, i would not understand it. So with time comes understanding and some times you will NEVER get this understanding, because of the state of your heart. Work on your character and your heart, the rest will come. DO NOT GET ANGRY!! Instead do dua for her.
You know bro, it more now looks like YOU are the cause of your own problem instead of she. There are people that are OBNOXIOUS!!..yet let them be, i just ignore them. For you not being able to ignore her, says rather something about you instead of her. About words of peace, you also kind of miss the complete understanding of it. Words of peace is not just "peace", but things that are not offending and leave her be. If somebody says this is X, clearly it is not X, if you know that this is a person that is typically one of those people that is trying actively to make it X, you just leave those people. There is no way you can reason with them. That is the whole understanding behind what i am trying to say. People like that exist, the solution is how to deal with them? In case like this YOU say your mother is SUPER ignorant and and stubborn and shows a lot of pride. Leave her be, Allah will deal with her, not you. Show her the right way, not talk to her what she needs to know. Somebody who shows pride isn't because that individual doesn't know, it is rather not wanting to admit. So if that person doesn't want to admit he/she is wrong, what can you do? Nothing. Leave her in her pride.
She is your mother, in other words, this is rather a big fitna for you till your or her death. So how do you handle such people? Just ignore them. Do NOT engage in discussions, keep all the talks with her very lightly. Sometimes wisdom is not answering or saying i don't know, although you might know the answer to it. To give you a better explanation why haven't i personally learned so much as a scholar? Because when i am ready to suck up the knowledge and understanding i will get it in'sha'Allah and about my own dedication to pursuit this knowledge and understanding, but right now much has to do that even if somebody would tell me, i would not understand it. So with time comes understanding and some times you will NEVER get this understanding, because of the state of your heart. Work on your character and your heart, the rest will come. DO NOT GET ANGRY!! Instead do dua for her.
I do agree with what your saying and i also feel like this is a test from allah and im basically not going to get into discussions with her with anything anymore... that should solve a big part of the problem....
Mmm... (twinkle) you know, perhaps I could offer some perspective from the other side, so to speak. (smile) You know, it's not so easy to have your little bundle of joy, who once thought you were a beautiful and amazing person, grow up and think you are the biggest, most ignorant fool of their acquaintance... (smile) But this is very common. I have seen this in my own children, and in other young adults... (laugh) and I went through it myself as a younger person! You get a little knowledge, and suddenly, you are an expert, and your parents are the least knowledgeable of a group of people that you feel are essentially no different from yourself. Just older. (twinkle)... and a bit out of date and worn down!
(mildly) might I suggest, that perhaps you might sit with your mother... and listen to what she has to say? (smile) Perhaps she is 100% wrong and you are 100% right (unlikely, but let us just suppose)... but what of it?! Can you not listen to her... as she very probably listened to you for so many years...? (smile) The forties are a hard time for a woman, and even moreso for a mother with young adults around. Society tells her that she is worthless now (she's not attractive, she's a failure in her marriage, she didn't achieve enough in paid employment... there are so many things that a woman in this age group gets hit with)... (amused) and here come her children, whom she has very probably worked very hard to raise... to tell her in own home, that she is an ignorant fool who should just be quiet and follow everything her adult child tells her she ought to think or do! Because he or she knows the absolute truth of everything... (amused) It can be pretty tough, you know.
(smile) You've realized that your mother is not an all-knowing, infallible being... and this is appropriate and good. (mildly) But realize that she is very probably also a person with hurts and needs and feelings, too. (gently) Perhaps what you could do with her, is offer her the pleasure of your companionship. Listen to her (without trying to get your point of view across)... not just what she says, but between the lines. And you will probably hear a person who is looking for a little love and affection. For someone who cares about her... even if she is not perfect.
(smile) This may seem incredible to you now, as you are perhaps seeing her with the eyes of a child. But look at her as a person, not a parent. (gently) Because she is. And she deserves the protection of her honour and dignity as much as any other person. (mildly) And it may well be that she needs a little TLC. (mildly) For the Love of God... could you not give her a little TLC... even if she is 100% wrong in her understandings of Islam?
(smile) And perhaps (but there are no guarantees), if you are gentle and kind and loving with her... if you listen to her and try to understand her... perhaps she may find it easier to hear what you believe? (smile) Because it's really hard to hear another person, when you feel you have to defend yourself all the time.
May Allah, the Wise, the Compassionate, Help us to deal with others in the most appropriate and loving ways.
Mmm... (twinkle) you know, perhaps I could offer some perspective from the other side, so to speak. (smile) You know, it's not so easy to have your little bundle of joy, who once thought you were a beautiful and amazing person, grow up and think you are the biggest, most ignorant fool of their acquaintance... (smile) But this is very common. I have seen this in my own children, and in other young adults... (laugh) and I went through it myself as a younger person! You get a little knowledge, and suddenly, you are an expert, and your parents are the least knowledgeable of a group of people that you feel are essentially no different from yourself. Just older. (twinkle)... and a bit out of date and worn down!
(mildly) might I suggest, that perhaps you might sit with your mother... and listen to what she has to say? (smile) Perhaps she is 100% wrong and you are 100% right (unlikely, but let us just suppose)... but what of it?! Can you not listen to her... as she very probably listened to you for so many years...? (smile) The forties are a hard time for a woman, and even moreso for a mother with young adults around. Society tells her that she is worthless now (she's not attractive, she's a failure in her marriage, she didn't achieve enough in paid employment... there are so many things that a woman in this age group gets hit with)... (amused) and here come her children, whom she has very probably worked very hard to raise... to tell her in own home, that she is an ignorant fool who should just be quiet and follow everything her adult child tells her she ought to think or do! Because he or she knows the absolute truth of everything... (amused) It can be pretty tough, you know.
(smile) You've realized that your mother is not an all-knowing, infallible being... and this is appropriate and good. (mildly) But realize that she is very probably also a person with hurts and needs and feelings, too. (gently) Perhaps what you could do with her, is offer her the pleasure of your companionship. Listen to her (without trying to get your point of view across)... not just what she says, but between the lines. And you will probably hear a person who is looking for a little love and affection. For someone who cares about her... even if she is not perfect.
(smile) This may seem incredible to you now, as you are perhaps seeing her with the eyes of a child. But look at her as a person, not a parent. (gently) Because she is. And she deserves the protection of her honour and dignity as much as any other person. (mildly) And it may well be that she needs a little TLC. (mildly) For the Love of God... could you not give her a little TLC... even if she is 100% wrong in her understandings of Islam?
(smile) And perhaps (but there are no guarantees), if you are gentle and kind and loving with her... if you listen to her and try to understand her... perhaps she may find it easier to hear what you believe? (smile) Because it's really hard to hear another person, when you feel you have to defend yourself all the time.
May Allah, the Wise, the Compassionate, Help us to deal with others in the most appropriate and loving ways.
Wa alikum asalam
As i was reading what you were saying it made 100% sense to me.
Your explanation has gave me a deeper understanding and meaning to it and its like it went to my heart while reading.
I genuinelly agree with eveything you said.
appriciate the time and effort you put in writing that.
Hi i got a problem
Recently ive come back to islam
A sin i cant stop is disobdience to my mother.
I argue EVERYDAY with my mother
My mother is around 45yrs and is VERY stuborn.
she never likes to be told shes wrong by me or her family, friends or work colleges on top of that she makes LIES up to make her self seem right in many sittiuations
If she has an opinion reguarding religion etc she will stick by it no matter what.
So when i correct her on certain things she says about religion which is incorrect (i studied at islamic school for 6 years in the past)
She gets very angry and SHOUTS while speaking when you explain to her that shes wrong on something thats shes believed her whole life .
she will not accept shes ever wrong..until the entire world will tells her shes wrong..
she thinks shes NEVER wrong
Her OWN Family members have even stoped talking to her in the past because of how argumentative and stuborn she is and some still dont speak to her..
Shes the type that even if i prove her wrong in something .. then get her brothers and sisters to tell her shes wrong..she argues with them aswel and sticks by her opinion against the whole family ...then after years she wont admit shes wrong....she will then will switch it to "oh i didnt mean that i said this" or blame someone else apart from her..
20 years of my life with her i can only remember her admit she was wrong ONCE in my life..
We argue EVERYDAY
Would there be any sin if i just stop having religions discusions with her?she makes alot of lies up reguarding religion...even tho she believes its true
Do i get sins even though i try not to disrespect her? but sometimes i cant control my tounge and voice..
I just cant stand people who think they are right when they are wrong..
Its only me and her in the house so shes the only one i physically talk to at home..
And its always debates and arguments..
How do i control my tounge with a mother who is stuborn,loves to argue, has anger issues, lies alot and is indenial and shouts when proven wrong by ANYBODY?
Whats your sugestions
Don't argue with her. Respect her in all situations. Keep quite even she is wrong.
Give her videos or books of scholars instead of showing your religious knowledge to her.
Stop arguing with her and trying to prove her wrong... it won't help. When she is occasionally right (from your perspective), let her know that she is right. It will make her happy that for once you agree with her.
Last edited by fromelsewhere; 05-28-2017 at 04:00 AM.
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