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anonymous
01-08-2006, 03:35 AM
Assalamualaikum my dear brothers and sisters in Islam, I hope you are all in the best of health and Imaan, InshaAllah. :)

I have a problem, i hope i can get some advice from u guys InshaAllah.

Anyways, theres this guy (good muslim etc) that wants to marry me, and i agreed, but theres just one problem, he doesnt want me to work, if we get married. But the place that I would be working in, is my mums business, she runs an education centre. Some classes are mixed, but some are for ladies only.

The section I would be working in, is with the admin. The admin staff there are all female (as am I, lol). Im also currently doing a business studies degree, the whole reason I chose that degree is so that it would eventually help me with working for my mum. Its a family based business, and so both my parents are always there at one time or the other. But what do u think of sisters doing degrees? If they're not gonna use it, whats the point in going to uni? :confused:

I dont want to work for the money, i just want to help my mum and also i want to make use of my degree, whats the point in spending all that money, time and effort in going to uni if i dont use my degree? Im really confused and i dont no what to do. Also, Im not entirley comfortable with staying at home 24/7 :hmm:

But my possible future husband says that its not a good place to work in, cuz if im working in admin, then im going to be dealing with guys, i.e answering any questions they have etc. Does that mean its a bad place to work in? Do any other sisters work in admin? Or do any sisters work with in a family business? Or brothers do u no anyone that does...?

I really want to work this out with him, because hes a good Muslim, and we have lots in common, get on really well etc, so I would really really really appreciate it if u guys could give me ur opinions, and thank u if u made it to this part after all that reading w/o falling asleep!!! lol

Wassalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatu.
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Takumi
01-08-2006, 03:51 AM
Originally Posted by anonymous
Assalamualaikum my dear brothers and sisters in Islam, I hope you are all in the best of health and Imaan, InshaAllah. :)

I have a problem, i hope i can get some advice from u guys InshaAllah.
You must do what's best for you and your family.

Since you're not married yet, ask him whether he has other women working at his workplace and how extensive is his involvement with them.

I don't know how you define a good muslim. It's all up to you.

If he's really offended by your question, he might have a shallow understanding of how women really is in Islam.

Ask him how he views women.

You are in no obligation to marry. Spare yourself from the psycobabble of "marriage is sunnah". Indeed it is, but the prophethood of Muhammad is a mercy to mankind, to man and to woman.

If you feel strongly about working, he must agree to a contract to let you work after marriage. He has to trust you. It's not fair for you to trust him when he deals with women at his work, and you cannot be trusted?

Women are allowed to communicate with men and vice versa. The women of Ansaar communicated with the prophet, and a lady stood up against Umar r.a regarding the dowry after he finishes his speech.

Muslim men are biased sometimes. They think they're the only one Islamic enought to withstand the fitnah of the workplace.

If you like to work and he doesn't want you to work, that's hardly something in common at all. Either one of you has to compromise. There will be some women who would advise you to just follow what he says. Remember, he's not your husband yet, and he doesn't have any right on you. Even if you're engaged. He's still a total stranger bound by Islamic law on intergender relations.

If your mum needs you that he needs to understand your situation. And remember, love DOES NOT conquer all.
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shudnt_have
01-08-2006, 04:02 AM
:sl: From what I read:
You have legitimate reasons to work:
-supporting your parents.
His concerns are related to Fitnah at work
-opp gender.
As a daughter, I dont think, you are responsible for supporting your parents, if you have biological brothers, they might be able to help your family business. You have great intentions and enthusiatic in helping them, May Allah swt bless you for that! However, can you imagine for a second and answer these qs, 'Will you have free time after marriage? Will it be possible to handle house work, children etc?',Also be able to work full time outside?

If you say "yes" then I would suggest, you should make him understand that, "how he needs to be less possessive over you, He needs to trust you for when you re not at home, or at his sight. If trust is the key ingredient at marriage and communication being the second. So, communicate with him, how you will dress Isamically and abide by the Shariah etc..Of course, he has rights over you as a husband, As a wife, you have your rights as well. Use them!
{I might sound cruel, dont worry hun, I have same plan in helping my parents after marriage too}:GRIN:
inshaAllah.
:w:
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shudnt_have
01-08-2006, 04:04 AM
Originally Posted by Takumi
You must do what's best for you and your family.

Since you're not married yet, ask him whether he has other women working at his workplace and how extensive is his involvement with them.

I don't know how you define a good muslim. It's all up to you.

If he's really offended by your question, he might have a shallow understanding of how women really is in Islam.

Ask him how he views women.

You are in no obligation to marry. Spare yourself from the psycobabble of "marriage is sunnah". Indeed it is, but the prophethood of Muhammad is a mercy to mankind, to man and to woman.

If you feel strongly about working, he must agree to a contract to let you work after marriage. He has to trust you. It's not fair for you to trust him when he deals with women at his work, and you cannot be trusted?

Women are allowed to communicate with men and vice versa. The women of Ansaar communicated with the prophet, and a lady stood up against Umar r.a regarding the dowry after he finishes his speech.

Muslim men are biased sometimes. They think they're the only one Islamic enought to withstand the fitnah of the workplace.

If you like to work and he doesn't want you to work, that's hardly something in common at all. Either one of you has to compromise. There will be some women who would advise you to just follow what he says. Remember, he's not your husband yet, and he doesn't have any right on you. Even if you're engaged. He's still a total stranger bound by Islamic law on intergender relations.

If your mum needs you that he needs to understand your situation. And remember, love DOES NOT conquer all.
mashaAllah great advice brother Takumi.:sl:
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anonymous
01-08-2006, 04:12 AM
Salam, thanx for ur reply bro!!!

He owns his own business, its small, and thers one other employee who is female. However, he only deals with male customers (due to the nature of his business) and the female employee deals with female customers.

I define a good Muslim to be God fearing, following the quran and sunnah, strictly, which he does.

With regards to the "marriage is sunnah" point, I want to get married, even if its not sunnah.

What we have in common is alot of things, its just that me working after we get married (if we do) is the only major thing we dont have in common. I know he hasnt any rights over me, Im still under the care and responsibility of my parents.

"Women are allowed to communicate with men and vice versa. The women of Ansaar communicated with the prophet, and a lady stood up against Umar r.a regarding the dowry after he finishes his speech.

Muslim men are biased sometimes. They think they're the only one Islamic enought to withstand the fitnah of the workplace."


Thanx for mentioning these points, thats kind of what i was looking for, I can withstand fitnah there, but theres isnt alot, the people there come to learn, and the employees there know that the owners are Muslim, and respect that. Any un-islamic behaviour isnt accpted by my mum.

I dont really work there now, cuz ive been busy with uni, but before that, when i was at college, i did, and i handled myself well, (even if i do say so myself!) And when this brother met me, it was through me working there.

Also, with regards to dress code, its not a problem, it isnt strict, i.e suits etc, just smart/formal, no jeans, trainers. Its easy to abide by shariah there, cuz alot of the employees also happen to be Muslim - by coincidence!

Thank you for ur help! :D Great advice Takumi & shudnt_have!!!!
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Takumi
01-08-2006, 04:13 AM
I work with 11 other women in my place and I know their husbands personally. All of my female colleagues are hijaabis.

Occasionally I meet their husbands and thanked them for letting their wives work even though it's very obvious that they don't need the money.

Their answer is simple:

"I trust her and the community needs her skills".

Now, that's cool. Of course, some brothers may beg to differ.
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anonymous
01-08-2006, 04:21 AM
Salam

No wayyy! I think thats cool too. lol

Im a hijabi aswell :happy:

What do u work as? If you dont mind me asking?

Wassalam
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Snowflake
01-08-2006, 04:30 AM
:sl:

As soon as I read your post, the brother you mentioned came across as a jealous and possessive person. It's like he doesn't trust you (women) And yeah.. don't think that a person who prayers five times a day and looks the part is necessarily a well-balanced humanbeing. There are people out there who don't pray yet haven't a malicious bone in their body and there are those who pray that are downright evil. Put yourself first sister. As long as what your doing is within the bounderies of islam, don't stop just to please anyone else. It never pays in the long run. Anywayz, I'm babbling. Pay heed to brother Takumi's advice above. Gulp! :hiding:



:w:
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anonymous
01-08-2006, 04:48 AM
Salam sis, thanx for ur reply :)

Its really making me feel better, cuz i needed someone to talk to, and theres not that many people that i can speak to about this. :thankyou:

Wassalam
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Snowflake
01-08-2006, 09:01 PM
You're most welcome sis. May Allah guide you to make the right decision-ameen. :)
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Tasneem
01-08-2006, 09:04 PM
I advise you to listen to your future husband inshallah
If this guy does not want you to work then dont
I dont think a woman should work
But thats just me

SaLaMz
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anonymous
01-09-2006, 01:16 AM
Salam

Thanx for ur reply Jihad_spun, much appreciated.

Well i spoke to him about working, and i dont think its working between us, im really really really upset :unhappy: , cuz now its all over, but i feel like ive lost something big, he got on with my family great, and he was a good person to me, thats why i wanted to get married, so i wouldnt commit any haram. Its really hard, i dont know if im doing the right thing.

Thanx alot for ur advice. :)

Wassalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatu
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Takumi
01-09-2006, 04:27 AM
I must commend you for your sincere intention to get married so that you will not fall into haraam. May Allah reward you.

You are stronger than you think. If he is destined by Allah to be your husband, he will be that person.

At the end of the day, you'll be one spending the rest of your life with him, not anyone else. You have to be sincere with yourself.

Do you want to compromise your ideals that you should work or you'd rather work and compromise your life with him?

He obviously will not compromise his principles. It's all up to you.

You are not a bad muslimah and you should not let anyone give you that impression. Many muslimah work to provide necessary services to the community.

I pray Allah will make your life prosper.
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anonymous
01-09-2006, 06:09 PM
Salam

Thanx, Im also doing istikhara aswell. InshaAllah Allah swt will guide me and all those who need guidance aswell. Ameen.

Thanx alot everyone for ur advice. :)

Wassalam
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