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mulk89
02-14-2008, 08:01 PM
Asalamualakum

I don't know where to begin.

I'm 23 years old now and from a muslim family that knows all about islamic ettiquette and law...

for over 28 years my "father" has been physically/emotionally abusing my mother from kicking her in the face and leaving her nose bloody to emotionally abusing her self esteem so much that she forgets to spell her own name and speak english since shes treated like ****.

I remember when I was 4-5 years old, I would see him kicking her in her face and making gestures to his private areas to her and saying this I feel ashamed to say.

I remember the fights and emotionally abuse continuing in grade 7-8 and on.



He and fast forward 28 years of there marriage and they are old and grew and my "father" to this day beats her and emotionally abuses her to such an extent that I cannot explain.


I am now 23 years old and my elder siblings and much older and he still to this day saids words to her like "mother****er" "his private etc..." and everyday of our life he fights to the point we all go crazy in the house and it never stops....he fights everyday on the hour....divorce is not an option for her since shes trapped and as are we...since we have nowhere to go...if we moved out...maybe he wouldve murdered her by now.....

I have on many occasions fist fighted him and fought him off of her....now in islam ...am I suppose to say "hes my lovely father" and let him beat the **** out of my mother?

I asked many so callled scholars in this religion of islam and they cant even reply to this scenario...they all say "hes your father" respect him ....hes the key to heaven...now does a man who flashes his privates to his wife and punches her and swears a man that holds key to paradise? if thats the case...islam isnt just

my 'father" also everyday prays out loud "may allah give you a death worse than that of a dog" to my mother and to all of us he says "may allah never make you guys succesful and ruin all of you" and all three of the siblings we everyday carry these with us...something misforunate has been happening to all of us everyday...my sister had 3 miscarriages...she has cancer....and my other sister has had 2 divorces in 3-4 years and shes left with a son to raise...and my "father" fights and swears infront of his very own grandson and continuing the tramatizing cycle with him aswell....and myself i see alot of misfortune cant find a job and suffer hardships in every area in life...and yes i do pray....yes i know trials and that stuff....but what would the prophet of allah say to me if i told him about this....

p.s. im ashamed to say some other things aswelll but left them out...

my father is also "religious" he has a full beard and when he goes out he says salam and acts pious infront of everyone and he also says to us "i have a beard" and anything i say will come true...allah accepts the fathers dua...and he prays for our misfortune out loud in the fajr hour and maghrib hour...

whats the islamic rulling...i still gotta love and respect him?


He says dirty bad words to her about his private areas and her mother and things that a kuffar would never say.

we are all in out late 20's now and he still abuses my mother physically and mentally and the only reason my mother hasnt commited suicide is because its forbidden in islam.....and same goes for all of us....she has no job...and hes opressed everyone self esteem wise that nobody has nothing in life...income wise or anything so were trapped in this cycle forever...

do we still have to hold him in respect? what does islam say?

every shaikh i ask...gives me a politcally correct reply...and i just feel like smacking them when they say that...
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'Abd al-Baari
02-14-2008, 08:12 PM
Wa Alaykumus Salaam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh,

According to the Qur'an the relationship between the husband and wife should be based on mutual love and kindness. Allah says: "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (Ar-Rum: 21)

The Qur'an urges husbands to treat their wives with kindness. [In the event of a family dispute, the Qur'an exhorts the husband to treat his wife kindly and not to overlook her positive aspects]. Allah Almighty says: “Live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.” (An-Nisa’: 19)

It is important that a wife recognizes the authority of her husband in the house. He is the head of the household, and she is supposed to listen to him. But the husband should also use his authority with respect and kindness towards his wife. If there arises any disagreement or dispute among them, then it should be resolved in a peaceful manner. Spouses should seek the counsel of their elders and other respectable family members and friends to batch up the rift and solve the differences.

However, in some cases a husband may use some light disciplinary action in order to correct the moral infraction of his wife, but this is only applicable in extreme cases and it should be resorted to if one is sure it would improve the situation. However, if there is a fear that it might worsen the relationship or may wreak havoc on him or the family, then he should avoid it completely.

The Qur'an is very clear on this issue. Almighty Allah says: "Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in the husband's absence what Allah would have them to guard. As to those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance); for Allah is most High and Great (above you all). If you fear a breach between them twain, appoint (two) arbiters, one from his family and the other from hers. If they wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation; for Allah has full knowledge and is acquainted with all things." (An-Nisa': 34-35)

It is important to read the section fully. One should not take part of the verse and use it to justify one's own misconduct. This verse neither permits violence nor condones it. It guides us to ways to handle delicate family situation with care and wisdom. The word "beating" is used in the verse, but it does not mean "physical abuse". The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) explained it "dharban ghayra mubarrih" which means "a light tap that leaves no mark". He further said that face must be avoided. Some other scholars are of the view that it is no more than a light touch by siwak, or toothbrush.

Generally, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) used to discourage his followers from taking even this measure. He never hit any female, and he used to say that the best of men are those who do not hit their wives. In one hadith he expressed his extreme repulsion from this behavior and said, "How does anyone of you beat his wife as he beats the stallion camel and then embrace (sleep with) her?” (Al-Bukhari, English Translation, vol. 8, Hadith 68, pp. 42-43)

Source
Reply

mulk89
02-14-2008, 08:18 PM
are you serious? my question was whats your advice!

not give me quotes to give to my father...he KNOWS ALL OF THOOSE VERSES AND ETTIQUETTES TO WOMEN!

MY POINT IS HE DOESNT FOLLOW!

READ MY POST PLEASE! AND ANSWER...DONT GIVE ME A GENERIC QUOTES!
Reply

Mikayeel
02-14-2008, 08:29 PM
Salam 3alekum

I am very sorry to hear about this, it really shocked me!!:(

These quotes are from the quran and the prophet so a bit of respect!:)

In islam you are told to respect and lissen to your dad untill the point he does not allow you to furfill your duties to Allah.

Other than that leave a Wiser brother or sister to give u a detailed answer:)
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aamirsaab
02-14-2008, 08:35 PM
:sl:
Pack your bags and leave your father. Tell your mother to file a divorce.
Reply

noorseeker
02-14-2008, 08:51 PM
Salam brother , first of all i really sad about your situstion, it make my blood boil when i read your post, i have seen fist fights between my brothers and that but not on that scale

If you are a brother , then you need to stand up to your father , your not a young man any more, ive learnt is violence makes it worser , so theres no point fighting him and i know you must feel like that right now.

The thing is ,it is not in your hands , i mean you are praying and i know you are making dua and that. your father has to change , its up to him.

The fact he is religious , makes it even worse, it beggars bellief, some one who prays and then goes home and abuses his wife.

last resort is getting the police involved , you might not want to, but something has to scare him,

I am sorry if my advice is not good enough or is not what your looking for,
i have seen violence in my house and it is not nice one bit.,all you have to do is be patient, i know that is one of the hardest things..but what else can you do.

There are a lot of good people on this forum and im sure they will give you some good advice, i will pray for your family and you, just hold in there
Reply

noorseeker
02-14-2008, 08:58 PM
Come on, go easy on the bro, he's only young.
26 Minutes Ago 08:27 PM


They werent showing disrespect to those verses, those verses were telling men are protectors of their wifes, his dad knows that , the bro or sis wanted some advice as to what shall i do, im sure the person was just trying to help.
Reply

mulk89
02-14-2008, 09:33 PM
im very weak and all i have in this life is my mother...im afraid if i leave it to allah she will just eventually die from his abuse...

do i still respect him?

i cant respect or even look at a man like that...

everyone religious scholar ignores me and doesnt give me the advice they all say

allah knows best or ive never in my life heard or read such a scenario within the muslim family
Reply

mulk89
02-14-2008, 09:37 PM
im paranoid 24/7 thinking something happened to her...emotionally abuse alone is insane....me and my other siblings are partially gone mental and have terrible tempers from the tramatizing stuff thats been goin on for over 28 years...were all grown and our lives are ruined cause of him....

he knows all about religon..he wears a thobe and a has a beard so people can think hes pious...hes goes prays at the mosque and everyone likes him outside.....he knows every hadith and verse from quran but he doesnt care about respecting his wife...and family...


my moms cooks everyday and he on purpose throws her food and says not enough salt or not enough this to trmamatize her....
Reply

deen_2007
02-14-2008, 09:58 PM
brother this shoudnt be tolerated...specially physical abuse. may i ask,which country do you live in?
Reply

ashley66
02-15-2008, 01:29 AM
:sl:
Subhanallah. I'm feel really sad for you and your family having to go thru such a dreaddful life. I pray may Allah reward you and your mom for all the hardship. May Allah lift your burden and change your father's heart to better the sake of Allah, himself and your family.

Stay patience, pray and du'a for Allah to help your family and help your father. Most important don't give up on Allah's rahmah.

Hang in there. Don't fist fight him, you don't want Allah to be angry with you.
If he raise his hand against your mom, protect her, block his fist or kick but dont punch him, don't yell back at him. If he yell at your mom, take her out of the room so that he can yell at the wall. You dont have to exchange foul words with him. Tell him you had heard enough and your mom doesnt need all this and go to your room or other part of your house. If he wants to talk to you, you will only do so when he is out of syaitan's control ie no more in rage.

You may need to explain that you are not and ungrateful son nor do want to commit one of the big sin, but as a man you have a duty to protect your mom and sister. You gotta show him that you can stand up to him and can stand up for your mom.

A bully only bullies the weak, but won't bully those who can fight back (not necessarily physically). My friend had problem with her abusive boyfriend, this is roughly how she handled him.
:w:
Reply

mulk89
02-15-2008, 03:04 AM
Originally Posted by ashley66
:sl:
Subhanallah. I'm feel really sad for you and your family having to go thru such a dreaddful life. I pray may Allah reward you and your mom for all the hardship. May Allah lift your burden and change your father's heart to better the sake of Allah, himself and your family.

Stay patience, pray and du'a for Allah to help your family and help your father. Most important don't give up on Allah's rahmah.

Hang in there. Don't fist fight him, you don't want Allah to be angry with you.
If he raise his hand against your mom, protect her, block his fist or kick but dont punch him, don't yell back at him. If he yell at your mom, take her out of the room so that he can yell at the wall. You dont have to exchange foul words with him. Tell him you had heard enough and your mom doesnt need all this and go to your room or other part of your house. If he wants to talk to you, you will only do so when he is out of syaitan's control ie no more in rage.

You may need to explain that you are not and ungrateful son nor do want to commit one of the big sin, but as a man you have a duty to protect your mom and sister. You gotta show him that you can stand up to him and can stand up for your mom.

A bully only bullies the weak, but won't bully those who can fight back (not necessarily physically). My friend had problem with her abusive boyfriend, this is roughly how she handled him.
:w:
its easy to say...but when its happening...its a different story...my question is....how can i respect a man who flashes his privates in front of his family sayin i will piss in your mouth and do this and that fights and swears and screams everyday and gives us prayers like 'allah ruin u" at the fajr hour to literally the maghrib hour" tells us you guys arent ****...but still stays around us and opresses us...self esteem wise....he even makes comments to my sisters gentalia area and he even says to my mother he will piss in her mothers mouth (who is 90 yrs old)

i still gotta respect him and be obedient to this man?

if islam says "i still gotta show him respect"

i will leave the religon of islam the second i hear such ruling...and give up any religon all togother...
Reply

mulk89
02-15-2008, 03:08 AM
he also never respected his own father and left him to die back in his old country...and never returned any letters from him...

he also acts pious to people outside and has a big beard.....if someone is at our house...he will be so pious to them and he will do things like walk pass my mom and call her a ***** or make a fist gesture...so that the guest dont see...and then go back in the living room and be like inshallah and all pious....

I want to get a shaver and shave his beard...for he is disgracing islam...
Reply

------
02-15-2008, 10:45 AM
Originally Posted by aamirsaab
:sl:
Pack your bags and leave your father. Tell your mother to file a divorce.
:salamext:

Agreed.
Reply

crayon
02-15-2008, 10:55 AM
Originally Posted by aamirsaab
:sl:
Pack your bags and leave your father. Tell your mother to file a divorce.
Just what I was going to say. This has been going on for 28 years, it doesn't look like he's going to change anytime soon/
Reply

IbnAbdulHakim
02-15-2008, 11:42 AM
if and IF everything you say is the truth, then your father holds every sign of nifaaq (signs of a munafiq/hypocrite, those who will dwell in the lowest of jahannam) that i can think of!

Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Amr:

The Prophet said, "Whoever has the following four (characteristics) will be a pure hypocrite and whoever has one of the following four characteristics will have one characteristic of hypocrisy unless and until he gives it up.

1. Whenever he is entrusted, he betrays.

2. Whenever he speaks, he tells a lie.

3. Whenever he makes a covenant, he proves treacherous.

4. Whenever he quarrels, he behaves in a very imprudent, evil and insulting manner."

bro wat the, TAKE YOUR MUM AND BROTHERS LEAVE HIM, pray for him from another house/place. you got cousins n that right?! maybe friends? heck i'd help you if i knew you without hesitation!

just go somewhere, and keep making dua' that things turn out better. stop staying with that man, may ALlah guide or destroy him.





IMPORTANT NOTE: the above only holds true IF AND ONLY IF everything this brother said is true and is as the situation appears to be.


Assalamu Alaikum
Reply

IbnAbdulHakim
02-15-2008, 11:47 AM
BRO!

you aint LITTLE

and you aint WEAK

your a big man ABOVE 20 !

you got strength, and you got this muslim ummah behind your back.


wallahi walk into any masjid and talk to a decent brother, they wouldnt hesitate to help you out. heck come to the somalian masjid down here and i'd help you out!

but seriously, STOP SEEIN YOURSELF AS SOMETHIN SMALL< subhanAllaah ALlahs given you such strength to put up with him for such a long time and still come out believing, your way better then i could ever hope to be, if i see you i know i would have the utmost admiration and respect for you.

so dont listen to that father, may Allah guide or destroy him.

take your mother and siblings and escape somewhere, i want peace for you now bro...


Assalamu Alaikum
Reply

IbnAbdulHakim
02-15-2008, 11:54 AM
i was thinking, if i was in your situation, i would definitly have applied for homeless, got a part-time or fulltime job, and just tried to take care of my family without him.

whats stopped you from doing that all this time?!

im assuming your in UK, if your elsewhere i dont know how it works?!

but here in london we can go apply for homeless, then they give us a temporary shabby place to live till they can find us a government house.

so... allahu a'lam


hope things work out bro
Reply

IbnAbdulHakim
02-15-2008, 12:03 PM
also bro one more thing

ive contemplated over what you've said a bit more calmly.

and i've contemplated over the lives of the sahabi's, ive contemplated over the life of Asiya the wife of firawn and many other pious predecessors. And i find that many of they have been mentally and physically tortured, as you know Ammar ibn yassir had to see a spear be driven through his mothers private parts, one of the sahabi's was chained up in his own home, another one had to constantly take abuse from his mother who abused him and his beloved prophet till he was at tears begging... etc etc.

what im saying is that, dont let this weaken you, rather let it be your source for strength, i say FIGHT BACK but not physically. use strategy bro be clever like the pious predecessors. Move out, escape, GET AWAY and then try to build yourself up.


i wish you success bro, you'll be in my jumu'ah dua's.

this lifes a test bro, believe me you can escape all this by the blessings of Allaah.

inna ma'al usri yusra, AFTER HARDSHIP COMES EASE

i pray your ease comes now bro,

ayyub alaihissalaam went thru far worse, n he was willing to go worser and worser.

so bro, this is dunya, shaytaan is twisted and he will twist up stuff to the point where you wanna giv up your islaam, so i say FLIP HIM and go save yourself and your family.


you can take action, may Allah give you the tawfeeq.


wish i cud do more for you bro...


Assalamu Alaikum
Reply

Souljette
02-15-2008, 12:16 PM
I AGREE FULLYY WIT BRO Ibn Abdul Hakim and the ones who tell u to leave house...and bro c'mmon why u sufferin ths..23 years is alottttt...u shulda been plannin on this longgg time ago bro..c'mmon ...Islam teaches justice not injustice..so go on leave the house..every1's behind u
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aadil77
02-15-2008, 12:23 PM
Also agree with Ibn abdbul hakim


bro where do you live? any where in uk then I can help you out!?

but for now, if i were you i would :grumbling tie him to a flipping tree in my garden! seriously let him know who's boss and that your'e not gonna take this **** from anymore, do something before your family just crack!
Reply

IbnAbdulHakim
02-15-2008, 12:57 PM
one more thing, jus make sure his not possessed by jinns... that could be a case....

Assalamu ALaikum
Reply

------
02-15-2008, 01:03 PM
:salamext:

^ For more than 20 years?!
Reply

IbnAbdulHakim
02-15-2008, 01:08 PM
Originally Posted by AhLÄÄM
:salamext:

^ For more than 20 years?!
yeh jinns live long
Reply

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