:salamext:
You need to stop and make tawbah inshaAllaah. Allaah is All-Forgiving, Most-Merciful.
Please take a read of this ebook inshaAllaah:
I want to Repent, but.... by Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid
InshaAllaah that helps.
I will close the thread because it is a sensitive topic, and belongs to the gender specific rooms but since you don't yet have access I will leave it here.