To Obey Or Not To Obey: Parents

[AnonymousPoster]

i need some advise here..so here it goes...
my parents are like of the old days..they got me engaged to this person i never met.well they know his family but i dont know them they are like total starngers to me..we live in two different countries far away..well my point is i dont this guy and i dont want to merry this person even if i get to know him still i dont want to marry him. my parent want me to merry into this family and they most certainly like the guy a lot..my question is should i follow my parents and agree to marry this person i dont like or should i refuse.??i know i have the right to refuse and all but i dont want to be disobediant to my parent and refuse their choose.?? WHAT DO YOU THINK???

[al Amaanah]

Question:

I have a question about marriage, my father believes that being Bengali, he's daughters should only get married to a Bengali man, the thing is, my dad likes to be a pillar of society and likes to have control over everything we do, Can you give me proof that it is ok for the daughters to choose who they get married to, despite whether they are Pakistani, Indian or Bengali, as long as he is good in terms of religion and suitability, my father believes that girl's haven't got the right to choos who they get married to, only he does, but I think the people he chooses are only chosen for the fact that they will give him a good name and because he they are Bengali. Is it possible for the girl to make her own choice in terms of who she gets married to if she finds a suitabaly compatible, religious and good man of a different nationality with similar status and wealth, even if her dad doesn't like him because of his nationality?
Also my father is very controlling, picking and choosing what he wishes to believe in terms of religion, he likes to show off his wealth and power and build his name, can you give me any supplications which will help to make him a more mild mannered and diplomatic man? I would be very grateful if you could help me in this matter.

Answer:

Praise be to Allaah.

Firstly:

The presence of the wali (guardian) is one of the conditions of marriage, and a woman’s marriage is not valid unless this condition is met. This is the correct view and is the view of the majority of scholars. See question no. 2127.

The person who has the most right to be a woman’s guardian is her father, but if it is proven that he is not qualified for this role then it moves to the next closest relative, such as her grandfather for example.

For more information on this issue, with evidence, please see question no. 7193 and 31119.

Secondly:
With regard to the conditions and qualities that should be present in the husband, the most important of these is religious commitment. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If there comes to you one with whose religious commitment and character you are pleased, then marry [your daughter or female relative under your care] to him, for if you do not do that there will be fitnah (tribulation) on earth and much corruption.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1005) and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 1084.

See also question no. 6942 and 5202.

Thirdly:
One of the shar’i conditions of marriage is the consent of the wife, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “A previously-married woman should not be married without consulting her and a virgin should not be married without asking her permission.” They said, “O Messenger of Allaah, how does she give her permission?” He said, “If she remains silent.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4741; Muslim, 2543.

No one has the right to force a girl to marry anyone, but at the same time she does not have the right to get married without her guardian’s permission.

The presence of the guardian is an important condition for a marriage to be valid, but a girl should not be forced into marrying someone who she does not want to marry, and she is not regarded as disobeying her parents in this case. Shaykh al-Islam [Ibn Taymiyah] said: “The parents do not have the right to force their son to marry someone whom he does not want, and if he refuses he is not being disobedient, like eating something that he does not want.” Al-Ikhtiyaaraat, p. 344

Fourthly:
With regard to your father and the way he is, we offer the following advice:
(i) Make du’aa’ for him in his absence. There is no specific du’aa’, so pray to Allaah to reform him and open his heart.
(ii) Seek the help of some of your father’s friends or relatives whom you trust to try to change him.
(iii) Give him some books or tapes in your language that will encourage him to have a good attitude and warn him against the opposite, and give them as a gift using a good approach when you do so. Allaah may make this a cause of his reforming.

We ask Allaah to help you to do that which He loves and which pleases Him.

And Allaah knows best.
IslamQ&A

[dream gurl]

race doeasnt matter..

[AceTCK]

Salaam sister,

Let me guess, are you Pakistani, if not, then don't take it as an insult, just a common stereotype that we all know is out there.

It is not being disobedient to your parents if you do not want to marry this person. Your parents do not have to live with this person, you have to, so that is why your parents should understand your point of view, so try to make them understand through dialogue and respectfully.

They may like this person, but you never really know someone unless you live with them, and you will be the one living with this person. If you life in 2 different countries, then that is another situation that needs to be addressed. I think it is important that you and all our brothers and sisters understand that, marriage should not be forced or pressured on someone but it should be a harmonious celebrations of two people coming together with the blessings of Allah and doing it willingly.

Hope this helps
salaam

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[barney]

I read in a similar thread that in Islam, Marrige comes first and allah brings the couple together in love later.
Sorry, but i cant remember who said that.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Edit

[Umar001]

i need some advise here..so here it goes...
my parents are like of the old days..they got me engaged to this person i never met.well they know his family but i dont know them they are like total starngers to me..we live in two different countries far away..well my point is i dont this guy and i dont want to merry this person even if i get to know him still i dont want to marry him. my parent want me to merry into this family and they most certainly like the guy a lot..my question is should i follow my parents and agree to marry this person i dont like or should i refuse.??i know i have the right to refuse and all but i dont want to be disobediant to my parent and refuse their choose.?? WHAT DO YOU THINK???

As Salaam Alaykum,
Bismillah,

Why not? Why not marry him if you have meetings and he turns out to be good? I mean, although it may not be right for someone to just pick people from their tribe and so forth, you never know this man might be good?

Anyhow, sis, just be patient and being from a similar background helps alot, some people marry, arab and american, the american finds the expectations of the arabic culture wierd and the arab can't understand why the american doesn't comply to his expectations, you see? So don't underestimate the value of having similar backgrounds insha'Allah.

Allah knows best

[Ebtisweetsam]

The parents can give their opinion but the last choice is yours, as the Prophet PBUH taught us.

[Mikayeel]

:sl:

No one can force you to get married keep that in mind! However, if your parents really like this guy, then he can't be that bad! So like brother Al Habeshi said, see how he is like and if he turns out good then why not?

However if he turns out that he is not the type of person you would want to marry, then you have all the right to refuse.

:w:

[Mohjack9]

i need some advise here..so here it goes...
my parents are like of the old days..they got me engaged to this person i never met.well they know his family but i dont know them they are like total starngers to me..we live in two different countries far away..well my point is i dont this guy and i dont want to merry this person even if i get to know him still i dont want to marry him. my parent want me to merry into this family and they most certainly like the guy a lot..my question is should i follow my parents and agree to marry this person i dont like or should i refuse.??i know i have the right to refuse and all but i dont want to be disobediant to my parent and refuse their choose.?? WHAT DO YOU THINK???

Salam alikom
I just wonder if you have had any chance to see the guy face to face and talk to him and get to know him at least a little, I mean to have a first contact. In Islam this is allowed for both man and woman who will see in clear the person to whom he or she is going to be married. Then if he turns out to be a good muslim why not accept him. However, the view of the girl must be respected, when for example doesn't like the guy she has the right to say no.
It is a question of a lifetime not a few days,but we must always put our trust in Allah.We never know where we can find goodness.Be patient sister and pray Allah and he will help you.Remember that Good is in what Allah has chosen for you ,I mean in what is decreed to happen.

[S_87]

well sister, you can refuse their choice and not have to go through a marriage you dont want or accept their choice and go through something thatll only make you miserable if you dont want it.

[Ibn Al Aqwa]

I remember someone once said:

Lifes too short to make it complicated.

[Asper]

It is you who ultimately decides you will not marry. Marriage requires you both to approve :p

But always make sure you have no desire to marry him for the right reasons. Try and exchange letters or communicate in some way to try and see who he is as a person.

[qassy!]

Salam

Let me guess your Pakistani ?

Anyway.....If you do you dont want to get married, I dont think you have to listen to your parents. Even so your parents should force you to get married to some guy you dont like.

[FatimaAsSideqah]

As Salaam Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu

'Truly Allah has totally forbidden disobedience (and the subsequent hurt) to mothers, burying alive daughters, with-holding the rights of others, and demanding that which is not your right.' (Hadith Muslim 4257.

With these simple words our Beloved Prophet (PBUH) expressed so much that should convince any Muslim person seeking to force a marriage upon a daughter (or son) that what they are intending is not only terribly wrong, but also in direct opposition to the true spirit of Islam.

At first glance, it looks as if it is ammunition to be used against the daughter who does not want to accept the proposed husband and is going against her mother's wishes, but further insight reveals there is far more to it than that. There are three further totally forbidden things that the parents should 'take on board'. It is quite clearly NOT the right of the parent to enforce a marriage; and Muslim parents are NOT allowed in Islam to withhold the rights of their daughters. One could even make out a case for extending the interpretation of the phrase 'burying daughters alive' to refer not only to the desert practice of being rid of infant girls by putting them face down in the sand shortly after birth (rather like drowning baby puppies before they have drawn breath), which hardly applies to our situation today - but the practice of 'burying them alive' in a forced marriage. What could be more like being buried alive than being forced to share a bed and distasteful intimacy with a completely unwanted spouse?

This seems to be a part of the Asian culture that no-one wanted to see prolonged here in the UK. It has nothing to do with Islam - the practice is also carried out by Hindus and Sikhs as well. It is a practice totally alien to Muslims of most other societies. To be quite frank, I assume that the real reason for it happening at all is not the wish of parents to make their children unhappy, for surely most parents dearly love their children. I assume one of the main reasons for it probably lies in the strong sense of duty and honour and obligation that is shared by Asian Muslims - and these are not bad things, of course. However, the young girls are being used as pawns in a bit of wheeling and dealing. It may be that the original family members who came to the UK had benefited from a great deal of financial help from their families (and even whole village communities who perhaps 'clubbed together'). Those immigrants may not have intended to remain in the UK, and thanks to the increasing use of the telephone, never really felt completely cut off from their roots.

[dream gurl]

Salam

Let me guess your Pakistani ?

Anyway.....If you do you dont want to get married, I dont think you have to listen to your parents. Even so your parents should force you to get married to some guy you dont like.

is it only pakistani dat are FORCE????

[FatimaAsSideqah]

is it only pakistani dat are FORCE????

As Salaam Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu

Not just only Pakistanis. You can read my last paragraph on my last post by page 3.

[qassy!]

is it only pakistani dat are FORCE????

nope....but from what i heard i mean its happen to people i know....there all pakistani......im paki my self :)! brap !

[muslimgurl]

Salam

Let me guess your Pakistani ?

Anyway.....If you do you dont want to get married, I dont think you have to listen to your parents. Even so your parents should force you to get married to some guy you dont like.

NO I AM NOT A PAKISTANI?? I AM MIDDLE EASTERN...

[muslimgurl]

i need some advise here..so here it goes...
my parents are like of the old days..they got me engaged to this person i never met.well they know his family but i dont know them they are like total starngers to me..we live in two different countries far away..well my point is i dont this guy and i dont want to merry this person even if i get to know him still i dont want to marry him. my parent want me to merry into this family and they most certainly like the guy a lot..my question is should i follow my parents and agree to marry this person i dont like or should i refuse.??i know i have the right to refuse and all but i dont want to be disobediant to my parent and refuse their choose.?? WHAT DO YOU THINK???

ARE PARENTS ALLOWED TO DAME THEIR CHILDERN IF THEY REFUSE?????

[noorahmad]

ARE PARENTS ALLOWED TO DAME THEIR CHILDERN IF THEY REFUSE?????

Assalam walaikum
firstly before rejecting or accepting a proposal of marriage, i wud have made swalaat-ul-istiharaa.
and i guess that u wanted to say blame or ****, no they aren't allowed, since its your right to refuse!!!

[dream gurl]

Assalam walaikum
firstly before rejecting or accepting a proposal of marriage, i wud have made swalaat-ul-istiharaa.
and i guess that u wanted to say blame or ****, no they aren't allowed, since its your right to refuse!!!

does istiqara really works???? wht is it? i mean i heard of it..sumting bout 'future' sutff lik dat...den do u hav to pray everday???????

[noorahmad]

o f course, it work, u shud have full faith in Allah's power!!!

[muslimgurl]

no u dont have to pray each day its your own decision..its salat that guids u to the rite path..

[jannat]

:sl:

i hope ur in the best of health. i cant recommend anyfi, but i can saythat try and speak to ur parents. thats the best way. you need to be able to see this man or find out things abt him. it must be hard, we all seek for the best spouse in our hearts and inshallah, may Allah SWT will.
Your parents cant force u into a marriage, so communication is the best way.
anyfin regarding marriage is scary but an important step in your life, so u must communicate. Pray to Allah SWT, ask for his help, guidance inshallah he will answer you . dont be silent, pray istikhara, it might help. i wont say dont worri, because for anyone in that situation u would, but remember things happen for a reason, iam nt saying that he is the rite man for u, as Allah SWT knows best, inshallah he will do best.

i hope Allah tala helps you in this situation, and gives us sisters all good muslim spouses.Inshallah.Ameen

Best wishes,
Allah hafiz

:w:

[forever.muslima]

Salams

typical prob.

In islam you have a right to say no, and also to choose who you marry, and accoridng to Imam A. Hanifa a girl can marry herself (ie. her guardian does not have to know or be there, although this is not the best thing to do.)


Also think about why y don't wanna marry him, is there a fault in him or just becasue you dad chose him, sometimes we think that we can make better decisions but trust me often (and in mt experiece) parents turn out to be right.
Obedeicne to parents is an extension to obeying our Lord. There is gurantee how your marriage lifwe will be but even if you chose someone the case will be the same.

someone suggested that exchange letters and find out stuff about him-but in isalm you are allowed to talk and see the person once to see if you wanna marry them, okay a few more times if absolutly necessary but if you start taking this route where will put the limit?

my advice is that if the brother is religious and pious then say yes otherwise try to explain to your parents and make them realise this way you won't necessarly be disobeying them. nut if hes practising then go for it, even if you don't like him now. Love grows slowll and comes from Allah. at the time of the nikah He puts love in our heatrs for each other.

My parents found this guy for me. I did not qurstion it and wenty along with it. at first i thought i'd hate him and perhaps did nut now i'm begining to like the idea and soon were gonna get marreid.

make duaa it works out

[iliketosmile99]

If you really don't want to marry him, you shouldn't have to. Your parents should not be forcing you.

At the same time, though, no one knows you better than your parents, so they may have picked the guy out with this in mind. Will you have a chance to meet him before your parents are planning for you to marry him? If so, take some time to get to know him. Who knows, you might find you like him.

[glo]

^ Could some parents perhaps have other priorities than the compatibilityof their daughter and the future husband?
Such as financial benefits, family connections etc ...

I'm not suggesting that it would be right, but I expect that does happen in some cases ...