Marriage Difficulties

[Lonely Gal]

Hi,
Am new to this - I have got major problems but got no one to turn to and now I have really come to the end, where I cannot take much more and need to explode. I have been married for over 6 months, and yes it was arranged. I just do not seem to get on with him at all, he has been here for a few months now but I just cant seem to connect with him at all. I am not attracted to him and therefore that's the biggest hurdle I cannot get over. I really really wanted my marriage to work, wanted happiness and I no looks are not everything but with the problems there I think that's where the other issues stem from. I wanted to make me parents happy but they have found out I am not happy and its caused tension between all my family and me.
I know I am to blame but dunno what to do to change things. I try really hard and just as I think we ver very slowly making little progress, he goes and does something that irritates me. He is really clingy and I've told him I need space and take things slow, he says OK. but then 2 days later hes pestering me again.
I really hate me life at the mo, i hate being at home, surrounded by people who don't like me.
I don't tell me friends cos then I they would keep askin me how I am, and i'll be a total wreck. I have a hidden life from all my frends - its horrible. I have so many emotions and feelings locked up. I dno what to do.. I need help.. Allah swt please guide me right, help me be a good muslim and wife and inshAllah one day a mother. I had so many dreams and wished, as my husband did, but nothings gone right.. What do I need to do??

[IbnAbdulHakim]

Assalamu Alaikum

please please talk to a an imaam about this, a trustworthy open minded imaam who sticks to Quran and Sunnah.

It sounds like your marriage isnt working, but i dont want to say anything because whilst your unhappy for now i dont know what the future could hold.

I think other people can give better advice but my advice is talk to a qualified imaam about this.


It doesnt sound like his treating you badly, your just finding it hard to like him? hmm.. maybe its his hair style or something? cant you talk to him about it? im sure he'd be willing to change a bit for you..


sorry about my horrible advice..

[------]

:salamext:

Try finding similarities between what u and your husband both like. Try and do something together that u both can enjoy. Love won't sprout out of nowhere - u need to giv it time.

Build up a relationship of trust and friendship, because love mainly blossoms when the relationship is built on trust of the other person and when you are comfortable with them.

Try and talk to him and tell him what he does that irritates you. Both of you need to be willing to change and make sacrifices. Share your dreams with one another, plan for the future :)

[Lonely Gal]

I dno where to go and talk to someone about it. I would not feel comfortable goin to the local one as everyone no's everyone and news travels fast - esp in my community.
he is being nice - its me that cant be on a level with him.
He says he wants to do wateva i say, but I want him to be independant and tell me what he wants or thinks..
having a comunication problems don't help either, I cant express myself in my own lingo and he dont get wat am sayin in english!!

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[IbnAbdulHakim]

He says he wants to do wateva i say, but I want him to be independant and tell me what he wants or thinks..
having a comunication problems don't help either, I cant express myself in my own lingo and he dont get wat am sayin in english!!

oh you got married back home?

well its ok i mean at least the guys trying to please you. I think if he socialises with likeminded brothers he'll adapt to our way of life and might become more suitable for you?

tell him to learn english!... or maybe you can fix up his language?


you said you've been trying for 6 months, have you guys ever gone away together? coz that might help...


Assalamu Alaikum

[------]

:salamext:

, but I want him to be independant and tell me what he wants or thinks..

Tell him that.

[Lonely Gal]

yeh bak home.. i told him to learn the lingo but he dint listen to, I think I new this would have an effect dats y I kept tryna push him but he dint listen..
I can speak the lingo but have issues in saying things in the correct way without him gettin the wrong idea..
when I am around him, im a total cow.. i cant be nyc.. summat happens to me..
i'm not the person i was before marriage...I never thort i could end up being like this to anyone

[IbnAbdulHakim]

^ sis have you asked Allah to bestow love and mercy in between you both?

i mean your prayin n that right?

i think you should stop being a cow also, i mean if you find it hard to be around him then you guys really need to have a session of serious communication! TALK! you know talking does wonders, but do EVERYTHING bismillah (in the name of ALlaah) !


it just seems like a compatibility issue, my advice is stick it out a bit more, ask Allah for help and guidance <-- Important ! and if things still dont seem to look up... consult an imaam.



still... plz be nice to him, or talk to him properly. dont go crazy..


Assalamu Alaikum

[Lonely Gal]

Yes am always askin Allah swt to help make me a better person and make it work.. i really dnt wana b horrible but it jus happens.. as silly as that sounds.. i really try not to and it does just happen..

[IbnAbdulHakim]

^ did he do anything to hurt you?

maybe theres something inside which is preventing you from being nice?!

or maybe its just the way he looks and acts? which can be changed...

[Snowflake]

asalam alaikum wr wb,

Sis, I really feel for you and totally understand where you're coming from. Since you say the problem is with you, I advise you to give your marriage a little more time. That is because you may have a change of heart and accept him for the way he is. Your husband might be under the false impression that he will win your heart by being the way he is. You can tell him what you expect from him.

However, I'm a great believer in practicality. So, as you're in the doldrums about him at present, my practical advice is to not let yourself get pregnant. It will make things alot more complicated if you do decide to get divorced later. And it won't be fair on the child.


Like I said sis, give your marriage a chance. The main thing is that he is not harming you or doing wrong to you. Talk to him about how you feel. If after all you do not find any compatibility with him and fear that you will do injustice to him and yourself then you are entitled to divorce as there is more harm than good by staying in this marriage.


See here:

Islam does not want to impose an unbearable burden on women by forcing them to marry a man they dislike, because it wants marriages to be successful, based on compatibility between the partners; there should be common ground between them in terms of physical looks, attitudes, habits, inclinations and aspirations. If something goes wrong, and the woman feels that she cannot love her husband sincerely, and fears that she may commit the sin of disobeying and opposing this husband whom she does not love, then she may ask for a divorce. This is confirmed by the report in which the wife of Thabit ibn Qays ibn Shammas, Jamilah the sister of ‘Abdullah ibn Ubayy, came to the Prophet (Pbuh) and said: “O Messenger of Allah, I have nothing against Thabit ibn Qays as regards his religion or his behaviour, but I hate to commit any act of kufr when I am a Muslim. The Prophet (Pbuh) said: “Will you give his garden back to him?” - her mahr had been a garden. She said, “Yes.” So the Messenger of Allah sent word to him: “Take back your garden, and give her one pronouncement of divorce.” (Fath al-Bari, 9/395, Kitab al-talaq, bab al-khul’.)

And for your peace of mind that you have that right, and any other questions, consult a scholar as bro IbnAbdulHakim mentioned. And sis, please feel free to PM if you want to talk.


wa alaikum asalam wr wb.

[Lonely Gal]

i just feel as we have become stuck into a routine so early, and there's nthing between us,
I don't satisfy him, there is no romance in our lives and knowing that, he deserves someone better, and I wish I could say that but its not poss.
Divorce would lead me no where.. My entire generation would hate me, half already do.
he hasn't hurt me, but sometimes i feel there is something else going on with him and a family relative.. how do i get this doubt out of my head..

[Lonely Gal]

Sometimes i have felt like gettin preg, jus so that I have something of my own, someone to love, and care. and someone who needs me.
I know this is wrong so this is on hold. only fair I bring a child into this world when there is happiness

[------]

:salamext:

Have u tried to change/make sacrifices to make the relationship work?

[Lonely Gal]

There is something inside me that switches and Im a total diff person.
When i be a cow, i realise and think I won't do this again but den it happens..
i feel guilty and sh*t for the way I am.. i just wisj tjere was summat that could change things, seeing so many cuples around so happy makes it soo hard..

[Lonely Gal]

yes i feel as if i have.. even tho more prob can be done..
but not connectin is a big issue

[------]

:salamext:

Have u tried to talk to him?

[Lonely Gal]

I try talkin.. but i get stuck on what to say..
:cry:

[------]

:salamext:

Work out what you are going to say and talk to him. If you can't, write it on a piece of paper. You have to communicate.

[Lonely Gal]

he says he loves me etc and i cant stand when he does!
how can he love me wen i aint even nice to him???
Is there any duas that you guys know to make a relationship longer.. get rid of my bitterness etc??

[------]

:salamext:

Sister - stop having a rant. Try and talk to him.

[Lonely Gal]

yea...

[Snowflake]

yes i feel as if i have.. even tho more prob can be done..
but not connectin is a big issue

asalam alaikum wr wb

Not connecting is the biggest issue. I can't stress enough the importance of compatibility as that is what makes a marriage flow smoothly and helps it to get through the tough times.

It seems as if you're hubby is the passive one, whereas you like a man to be a bit assertive and independant. He can change but he will need a lot of help and mainly professional help. However I guess it's not fair to change a person to suit oneself. How would that person feel not being accepted as they are. In the end it will grind them down.

You can still make the marriage work by persevering and doing your best, or you can choose to get divorced. May Allah help you both inshaAllah. Ameen.


wa alaikum asalam wr wb.

[Lonely Gal]

Thanks

[------]

:salamext:

Are you from UK by any chance sis?

[Lonely Gal]

yep UK.. y?

[------]

:salamext:

Just wondering.

[Lonely Gal]

Okie Doke

['Abd-al Latif]

i just feel as we have become stuck into a routine so early, and there's nthing between us,
I don't satisfy him, there is no romance in our lives and knowing that, he deserves someone better, and I wish I could say that but its not poss.
Divorce would lead me no where.. My entire generation would hate me, half already do.
he hasn't hurt me, but sometimes i feel there is something else going on with him and a family relative.. how do i get this doubt out of my head..

:sl:

You will never be able to please people so don't worry about what people say. If there is something about you that people like then there will always be something about you that which they dislike.

I can't say much about your situation because if I was to say you should get a divorce then it may cause harm to your family because we do not know your full situation. If I say that you should stay together then you might end up being miserable for many years (which may be the case for many who have arranged marriages).

Ask advice from someone who has the knowledge to give you the right naseehah. And finally, if Allah put you in this situation then He knows that you can get through it. Make a decision, seek help from Allah and put you're trust in Him and forget about what people say.

[Lonely Gal]

thanks...
just feel so down and miserable all the time..:cry:

[Lonely Gal]

i see no light.. i really don't.. whateva way i turn its darkness

[------]

:salamext:

Have u got friends u can hang out with? To take ur minds of things and advise u?

[Lonely Gal]

I'm a closed book really, i have one good friend and she is away and got her problems to deal with, i dnt wana b burden on her.. i no i wont cos am her mate but dnt wana b any trouble.. don't trust others enough to tell em.. I don't enjoy spending time with people..
ive cuts most ties.. jus be alone.. all alone..

[------]

:salamext:

That makes the problem worse. U have to socialise.

[Lonely Gal]

family think im not trying but no1 is in my shoes.. its affected my relationship with my mum and me.. id rather not be around her cos wen i am i can feel the tension she is feeling.. and hw disappointed she is in me..
my sisters sed harsh words that will stay will me all my life, something that will never be forgotten and there eating me up..

[IbnAbdulHakim]

^ ur situations not that bad Alhamdulillaah!

i think you should be more optimistic to be honest.

you said you cannot see no light yet Allah says that for those who trust in him and sacrifice for him and do good deeds, he will provide ways out that they couldnt imagine!

so place your trust in Allaah, attempt to rectify the communication problems, talk to him... and if all fails then consult an imaam.

Dont worry too much and DO NOT waste your life over what others think. Worry about what Allaah thinks, and do what will make it easiest for you to enter jannah...

[Lonely Gal]

when there is no ounce of happines..u dnt feel like doin anything.. not even gettin up and dresed..

[Lonely Gal]

am not a positive person, i give great advise to others.. but dont take me own...

[------]

:salamext:

Taking ur own advice might be a start inshaAllaah

Think if u were giving advice to someone else, wot wud u advise them if they were in ur shoes?

and do that.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

you need to be stronger sis.

just try not to care about what comes about in this world and do whats right. Be Bold and speak up!

i hope you get whats best for you...


inshaAllah

[Lonely Gal]

thanks..
all of u..
Hope all is good with u..

[------]

:salamext:

This lecture might be of help inshaaAllaah..

Dua - The Weapon of the Believer (By Sheikh Yasir Qadhi)

[IbnAbdulHakim]

^ one more thing... i dont know if your oppressed or not doesnt sound like it


but the oppressed ones dua's RACE to Allah and are answered at speed as though there is no veil in between the dua' and Allah.

so make dua'... lots of it...

[Lonely Gal]

:-)
Cheers - great help

[Lonely Gal]

guys - I want to become more Islam focused.. where do I start??

[chacha_jalebi]

guys - I want to become more Islam focused.. where do I start??

1st thing do ya salaah, next salaah is asr, make sure you doo it and do it like its your last prayer and straight after the prayer your gona die!! lol just keep that thought in your head and you will pray with so much khushoo,

alsooo get yourself or go on the net and read

Quran, hadiths and a Tafsir of Quraan, and biography of some companions!! especially Hadhrat Abu Bakr (ra) and Hadhrat Umar (ra) :D

[------]

:salamext:

Start with the basics of Islaam inshaaAllaah. Go to your Local Mosque and try and make religious friends there, who can help you on a day to day basis. How old r u sis?

[IbnAbdulHakim]

why dont you start right here sis?

the best way to start is to read about the beautiful sahabi's and tabieen etc (companions of the prophet) because that puts love for them in your heart and makes you want to be like them.


here check this out:

http://www.islamicboard.com/companio...-al-yaman.html


also check out the biogrophy of the prophet... it makes our problems seem like NOTHING...

[Lonely Gal]

am 22

[------]

:salamext:

Seen. Start with basics inshaaAllaah, e.g. prayer 5 times. When you feel you can do that, then do more inshaaAllaah :)

[Lonely Gal]

Cheers :-)

[Lonely Gal]

Broken - cnt Private msg u until my posts get to 50!!!

[------]

:salamext:

Lol khayr inshaaAllaah...start posting then! :D

[Lonely Gal]

fair few to go yet!!
am at wrk.. will have to catch up on Monday when am back at work

[------]

:salamext:

Ok InshaaAllaah...remember - prayer 5 times a day...for starters.... :)

Assalamu Alaykum

[Lonely Gal]

InshAllah

[dream gurl]

sis the best thing to do is be patient and pray for allah..and not only you encourge him to pray aswell to wish both of ya to come together wid sucess.inshallah

[anonymous]

am 22

:omg::omg::omg::omg:

DATS HOW OLD I AM!! O ma gunis.! I can never imagine bein in dat position, jus thinkin of marriage alone scares the livin daylights outta me. I really feel for ya sis, I reali do. Ya so young sis, n sounds like u given up hope after such a short tym of bein wit the guy. Y didnt you get to know the guy before you got married to him? Maybe then you could have come to a decision about whether you wanted to be with him. BUT no point ponderin over the whys and whats, what you gta do sis is try and make it work. Im a paki n I assume you are 2. So belieev you me, I KNOW how paki familys work (wel the majority of them). Dont even THINK about divorce cos sounds to me like you aint even given the guy a chance. I know LOADS of ppl hu get married bak home, are not happy 2 begin wid n then mashaAllah there cums a point when they are so happyyyyyy. Think about it from his perspective- how he must be feelin. He left his WHOLE FAMILY, HIS LIFE bak home 2 cum 2 england and be wit you. now DAT is not easy i tel ya. Looks aint everythin hun, tho me too likes a hunk n dat ;). But seriously, try and make this relationship work hun cos sounds to me you aint even tryin, no offence. i hope things get better 4 u sis Xx

[bint_muhammed]

salam sis. if you dont mind me askin did you do istikhara beore you got married. personally i think you and your husband should go away for a few days, where there is no family. in that way you wont know anyone else and will be forced to speak to one another and inshallah you never know find out so much that will help both of you understand each other. i think divorce nowaadays is considered to quickly, giv it 100% because no offence from what i have read you dont seem to be trying to hard. inshallah sis your in my duas and may allah help you!

[Souljette]

May Allah make it easy on u sis..Ameenn

[Snowflake]

^asalam alaikum wr wb,

Hmm lol, it's quite complicated. I know you mean well Bint sis, but I don't understand how a person can try to feel attraction for someone who doesn't have the qualities that attract them. I don't think attraction can be forced. Still one can still live with a person they aren't attracted to - but that takes a lot of will-power and acceptance of the person however they are. However I truly believe that lack of attraction is harmful to both parties and if one can't live with that and it affects their whole relationship, then they should separate.

wa alaikum asalam wr wb.

[anonymous]

^asalam alaikum wr wb,

Hmm lol, it's quite complicated. I know you mean well Bint sis, but I don't understand how a person can try to feel attraction for someone who doesn't have the qualities that attract them. I don't think attraction can be forced. Still one can still live with a person they aren't attracted to - but that takes a lot of will-power and acceptance of the person however they are. However I truly believe that lack of attraction is harmful to both parties and if one can't live with that and it affects their whole relationship, then they should separate.

wa alaikum asalam wr wb.

so ya sayin if u dont fancy sum1 then u shudnt marry em n shudnt be wid em? so everythin shud be based on luks? hmmm interestin.

[------]

:salamext:

^ Not everything, but looks do matter. And please don't type in text language. Jazaak Allaah Khayr.

[Noora_z3]

Hello!!

Here is a married sister talking, my marrige was arranged just like yours, well i will try not to talk a lot...:D

From reading your posts, it seems like to me (forgive me if i was wrong) that you had unrealistic expectations from your hubby, and since now he is not up to your expectations- even though he seems like a good person- he is just not good enough.
You say that you dont feel connected, that you feels sad, not loved..I bet he feels the same too, if you feel he is stranger to you be 100% sure he feels you are stranger to him, it goes both way, but is he being upset about it? complaining to others about it? he is not showing it to you, in fact, it seems like he is actually trying to bring happiness to his and your life by telling you that he loves you and wat not, unfortunatly you dont appreciate it!!

You say the problame in him being clingy, maybe the problame is within you? maybe its you who need to seek professional help in order to change your prespective about life and how it is.

You say you are not attracted to him, think why, and then GO TELL HIM, he wouldnt know unless you tell him, right. Give your marrige some time, a guy is not handsome because he got a certain haricut or dresses a certain way, but because of the way he treats his woman and stands with her no matter how hard it gets.

You know how hard it is to get a decent guy nowadays? they either drink, or sleep around, or watch porn, or mistreat their parents, or abuse their wives emotinally or physically, or are financially dependent on their parents, or search for working wives so that they can take her money from her, or ask for big amounts of dowry, or steal or...or...or...ect..
If your husband is non of the above, trust me you are lucky person.

I suggest you read "the proper care and feeding of husbands" and "the proper care and feeding of marrige" by dr.Laura Slescinger (sp?). She has opend my eyes and saved many marriges. Sorry if i was rude, do forgive me sister, I just dont want you to waste your life.

Wassalam

[Noora_z3]

Wanted to add, you sai that your husband is clingy and he is always sayin to you that he loves you and that drives you crazy, right?
I got couple of comments about this statment of your, you know how many women complain that their men just dont look at them, are way tooo independent and dont ask their wives about variouse matters. I know many women will be ENVIOUSE knowin that you have a clingy husband.

Second thing is, maybe you have some psychological wounds that is making you feel you are unworthy of his love hence you try to hurt him and drive him away from you. When we have such kind of wounds we cant handel such kind of love, it makes us anxiouse and wat not.

Last thing is, certainly you had a certain picture of your future hubby and he didnt turn the way you wanted and THATS WHY you feel depressed sister, so take your time, grive it for a while and then move on, think what can I DO NOW to be happy and to make my hubby happy.

:)

You are a very brave girl to come forward and say how you feel, work for your marrige sister, I have full faith that you two will work it out. :), please ask me any question if you like,

Massalama

[Snowflake]

asalam alaikum wr wb,

Originally Posted by Muslimah_Sis
^asalam alaikum wr wb,

Hmm lol, it's quite complicated. I know you mean well Bint sis, but I don't understand how a person can try to feel attraction for someone who doesn't have the qualities that attract them. I don't think attraction can be forced. Still one can still live with a person they aren't attracted to - but that takes a lot of will-power and acceptance of the person however they are. However I truly believe that lack of attraction is harmful to both parties and if one can't live with that and it affects their whole relationship, then they should separate.

wa alaikum asalam wr wb.

so ya sayin if u dont fancy sum1 then u shudnt marry em n shudnt be wid em? so everythin shud be based on luks? hmmm interestin.

I said everything should be based on looks? Where'd you get that from?
By qualities I meant attributes in personality/behavior. Isn't that a cause of attraction too? I hope you don't think attraction only goes as far as looks do you? :hmm:


wa alaikum asalam.

[anonymous]

asalam alaikum wr wb,


By qualities I meant attributes in personality/behavior. Isn't that a cause of attraction too? I hope you don't think attraction only goes as far as looks do you? :hmm:


wa alaikum asalam.

Lol sorry hun, I thought you meant attraction as in LOOKS only :? Lol sorry

[Snowflake]

^ lol, it's ok :D

asalam alaikum wr wb.

[Lonely Gal]

Guys i know I haven't given it time, but the time I have given it feels along time to me personally, when your feeling down every single day, it feels like a long time.
Divorce is not an option - as typically it being arranged causes much more problems for everyone and I wouldn't be any happier then than I am now.
Not only for that reason but I personally dont wanna be a divorcee as well.
I did talk to him beforehand, and we got on, but when the marriage actually happened, i just seemed to change.
I don't know what impression I've sent over to you guys, as by some of the comments its clear you think that i'm prob being petty or stupid over little things, but I tell you when your not in a situation like this you never know what it feels like. I never thought I would be and feel like this.. honest its soo hard not having no one to talk and no one around to help. I've always been a happy go larry type-a-person but now i'm so reserved and not my self.. I got my whole life ahead of meself,inshAllah with my hubby and I want it to be on happy terms.
Thanks for all your advise tho, greatly appreciate it..
Coming on here is the only way to talk about it, and you guys don't know me and the fact your still helping and givin advise, helps alot.
:-)
May Allah swt reward u all..

[Snowflake]

There is something inside me that switches and Im a total diff person.
When i be a cow, i realise and think I won't do this again but den it happens..
i feel guilty and sh*t for the way I am.. i just wisj tjere was summat that could change things, seeing so many cuples around so happy makes it soo hard..

asalam alaikum wr wb

Sis, don't blame yourself. You aren't being like that deliberately. It's sad that husband/marriage didn't meet your expectations. If you don't want a divorce sis, you have to make changes that will bring some positivity and happiness into the marriage.

Can you ask your husband to make a list of what he wants from you and out of this marriage - and you do the same? You can then discuss your needs and hopefully open the doors of communication. For your sake and his, something needs to be worked out.


However, I will say that you shouldn't just stay married to avoid becoming a divorcee. That is not a good reason to stay in a marriage. You both have rights over each other and duties toward each other. Staying because you don't want to be labelled as a divorcee and fulfilling your duties half-heartedly isn't doing anyone any favours. We're talking about a lifetime's commitment here sis. It won't be fair to either of you to live like this.


God forbid, but if this goes unresolved then there is a chance that your husband might not want to stay in this marriage any longer. You need to stay in the marriage for the right reasons and to find them you have to start communicating and compromising, while he is willing to inshaAllah.


wa alaikum asalam wr wb.

[Noora_z3]

Slam sister,

I am glad to know that you are saying that divorece is not an option here, cause only then you will give your 100% to this marrige and commit to it.

You said that we never were in your shoes, well, maybe this will surprise yo, but I felt the exact same way in the beginning, even the thought of having a baby only so that he/she fills my life, I had that same kind of thought. Actually MANY couples go throught it, anywys, I realized later I was just runnin from the reality, tryin to blame everything else around me for the sadness I felt at that time.

My marrige was arranged too, mentally we have major compatibility issues, I did my masters in comparative religion so I am very philosophical kind, critical and the kind who likes to question everything, and he on the other hand totaly opposit. I used to get SO bored talking with him. But you know what sis, ultimatly we all want happiness, divorce wasnt an option for me, so I looked for other options and worked hard to bring happiness into my life. I focused on the positives within him, I found that he cared so much about me, he tried to make my every wish come true no matter how tired he wa, that he lisnted and seriously tried to change the stuffs that I didnt like about him..i can go on sayin the good qulitis he has..in short I relized that I found a guy that WOULD NEVER LET ME DOWN and who ALWAYS PUTS ME FIRST even ahead of him..I thought I am in safe hands...thats when I found happiness..:)..it takes time sister...

I hope my story helpes you in anyway

[fatima_01]

got no advice but may ur happiness b restored :D

[ashley66]

:sl:
I agree with sis Noora_z3 especially on the compatibility issue and that you should focus on the positive sides.

If I may suggest, give yourself time and travel somewhere together. Do something different and difficult. Why? because, when you face difficult or tiring situations, the way your husband talk to you or help you and the way you talk to or help him would be different because you only have each other at that time. InsyaAllah, you may in love with him. Also, I remember coming across a hadith that suggest you can only claim that you know your friend well after you've been in a journey as musafir together. (I will look this up again)

My husband and I did this and Alhamdulilah. I think there is something about travelling/journey and Allah's rahmah that He shower on you when you do your solah wherever you are.

May Allah bless your marriage with love, happiness and wonderful children.

[Tania]

Have you ever told him how do you feel :? Does he listen you :? What did he make to change your feelings :?

The man are not able to love. They just like to have a comfortable life, with someone who cook, clean, kids and so on.

A children would only ruin your life completly. Don't rush the things.

[------]

:salamext:

^ That isn't true for all men. Don't generalise.

[Tania]

:salamext:

^ That isn't true for all men. Don't generalise.

I have a very negative opinion about men, thats why i prefer to stay single :giggling:
Sorry but its my opinion above.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

*quotes tania's signature*

~ Official Member of the MSL Crew™ - {Marriage Section Lovers}™ ~

*scratches head* :-\

[Tania]

*quotes tania's signature*




*scratches head* :-\

I only love the idea of marriage. * Thats why i am so involved in the marriage related threads*:-[

[------]

*quotes tania's signature*




*scratches head* :-\

:salamext:

The Marriage Section that existed before...

The man are not able to love.

You stated this as a fact, when it is not.

[anonymous]

hws it goin sis

[Lonely Gal]

we was goin OK for a week. and then it just blew up again.. dunno how to deal with this all.

[Lonely Gal]

when I feel things are going ok and feel bit better, something happens again and I go back to square one..

[IbnAbdulHakim]

for me when i go through a hard time nad i keep fearing things will get worse, i sit down in prayer and after doing fardh i recite ayatul kursi (end of surah baqara - allahu laa ilaaha illahuwal hayyul qayyum) and i can FEEl things getting better!! you can feel it sis!

im really sorry but i dont know how to further advise, although im sure you can make things work!

inshaAllaah! sis try consulting a scholar, even online

www.islamtoday.com
www.islamqa.com

^ try see what they say?

[Lonely Gal]

Thanks.
do I just go on the site and contact them? sorry to sound dim..

[cute123]

when I feel things are going ok and feel bit better, something happens again and I go back to square one..

you speech sounds familiar , is it other than marriage that is making u feel guilty like because of something else u married - under a particular pressure - for a particular reason or else u would not have married. believe me sister
believe in Qadr, just have patience - dont let shaytaan ruin what u have - the regrets wont get u back what u have . whats gone is gone. marriage is something or whatever happens - is because it had to happened. and it is for the gooood. believe me . have patience do not listen to your nafs - if it is unnecessarily against somebody. justify ur actions and speech before it causes irreversible change.

Hope i was not rude - just wish good for you

[IbnAbdulHakim]

Thanks.
do I just go on the site and contact them? sorry to sound dim..

lol its ok, yeah there should be a section for asking questions.

just drop your email and ask the question and they should get back to you.

Assalamu Alaikum

[Lonely Gal]

Cheers thanks..

[Lonely Gal]

Cannot submit question today as the limit has been reached. will try tom..

[anonymous]

we was goin OK for a week. and then it just blew up again.. dunno how to deal with this all.

sis you do realsie ypu cant continue living like this- you need 2 do something about it!!

Im gettin married in couple of months and Im your age and right now, from what Ive read on this thread, marriage doesnt sound fun at all!! May Allah (swt) bless every marriage and make it a happy and long one inshaAllah

[Lonely Gal]

i know I gotta do somethin, i try working at it, but its never good enough for him, I've told him that give me time, I am slowly changing and soon ill be different, but he expects change overnyt.
Ive told him many times that it cannot happen overnight and give me space and time, but its just doesn't seem to connect with him.
He is soooo sensitive and emotional, it feels as if i am the man in the relationship. i know its nyc to have a caring hubby but right now I don't need this.
Last night was another disaster, he decided to walk out of the house at 2am, what the hell am i supposed to do.. i manage to get him back in but I've told him im changing and he admits that I have abit, but still he keeps at me, do this, do that, this way that way.. arrrghhh i really am pullling my hair out, I do not know where I stand in my own house.. no happiness at all... im really going towards the end of the cliff.. i am..:cry:
Don't let my situation put u off, i am sure urs will be fine, inshAllah.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

^ innallaha ma'as sabireen, Allah is with the patient


overtime.. things will improve inshaAllaah. Your very strong for working with someone you dont as of yet like. my sister is in a relationship where she is the strong man type and her hubby is emotional aswell... but subhanAllaah they both get along great. And her hubby does what ur hubby does too lol (do this THIS way and that THAT way etc) but she does it wiv a smile and is patient through it. Shes really pious mashaAllah and he sometimes misses out prayers but shes being patient.. shes managed to get him to keep a beard :D

im only ranting on about her to give you inspiration... sis if you sacrifice your time and effort i am SO sure wiv plenty of dua' Allah will make things better for you in ways you cant imagine..

INSHAALLAAH !!!


Assalamu Alaikum wa rahmatullaah (peace and blessings upon you)

[Qurratul Ayn]

:salamext:

Make Du'a and Insha'Allaah everything will be alright!

This is the partner of your life and hereafter. Just be patient and best of all make Du'a!!!

:salamext:

[------]

when I feel things are going ok and feel bit better, something happens again and I go back to square one..

:salamext:

When you say they were going 'ok', what were u doing or he was doing that was making it go okay? Think about that...

[Lonely Gal]

i was tryna be understanding, more patient and calm, and he was appreciating that. if he lets me just deal with it and at my pace I CAN change but he keeps throwing comments in that jus irritate me then and feel my efforts are not appreciated at all..

[------]

:salamext:

^ Have you talked to him about that?

[Lonely Gal]

i have.. and hes says ok.. but then forgets few hrs later

[------]

:salamext:

You need to establish solid ground with him....and you need to become friends before you can love...because love and is based on honesty, trust and friendship. (chek ur pm)

[Eeman]

I dno where to go and talk to someone about it. I would not feel comfortable goin to the local one as everyone no's everyone and news travels fast - esp in my community.
he is being nice - its me that cant be on a level with him.
He says he wants to do wateva i say, but I want him to be independant and tell me what he wants or thinks..
having a comunication problems don't help either, I cant express myself in my own lingo and he dont get wat am sayin in english!!

Dear sister,

i find sometimes that the problem with us women is that we run after the ones that treat us badly and take for granted the ones that are good to us.

it seems that he is being good to you and it is just you that is not taking a liking to him, man if only you could live a day in my shoes then you would kiss the ground your husband walks on, i do not mean that in a offending way whasoever sis.

but honestly you have to make the effort to talk to him take the 1st step and small steps, since it was arranged marriage i am assuming that you two dont even know each other that well,

so sit him down and tell him look lets start from scratch and become friends, then talk to him like a friend see him as a friend and then from that slowly take another step to the next stage and Insha'Allah Allah swt will bestow that love in your heart for him and your marriage will be a lot better.

now as regards physical appearence you know your not attracted to him, so im sure it has something to do maybe with the way he dresses or his hair the way he does it etc, and as a friend you can slowly change that, do not just be blunt and say oh i dont like this or change your hair cos im not attracted to you NO!

if your ever out shopping buy him some clothes that you would like to see him in ad when you get home say in a loving manner "oh i saw this and thought you would look extra handsome in it" believe you me he will wear it if you put it to him in that manner, and when he does wear it complement him, say smething like "wow someone looks really handsome today" geting that reaction from you from wearing the style of clothes that you have brought him will make him want to dress like that everyday, cos he never got that reaction from you when he was wearingwhat he used to wear.

next time he goes to get his hair cut go with him and tell the hairstylist or barber what you think will look nice on him, and if he doesnt use any gel or hair wax in general, tell the barber to style it ho you would think would look nice and then get your husband to buy that product so that he starts using it,

i am assuming that ur husband is from back home cos ou said that he has been here for a few months now, but im not sure if i am correct, so it can be hard for someone tha has been brought up here to try and gel with someone from back home, of course there will be a clash, and usually the clash is from the western side, but you really need to stop what you are doing,

and somehow it seems to me that you are ashamed of him, and thats why have isolated yourself from your friends, cos you just do not want to be seen or known as his wife.

forgive me if i am wrong but sister if that is the case then you really need to stop! give the guy a chance pray to Allah swt and ask Him to help you.

I pray for you sis i really do i pray that Insha'Allah everything works out, cos i know how much of an affect marriage altogether can have on your life.

if your not happy in your marraige then it affects everything in your life especially as a woman.

But try sis, please try and i know that Allah swt will help you Insha'Allah.

[Tania]

There is a major problem when the man is not able to read the wife mood, like you are unhappy and he thinks everything its ok. But in todays world , i am not surprised. I think would help you, if you would study the culture thing, if he is from backhome. He was raised in a certain way and may be the outfit and hair its coming from there. :-[

[Lonely Gal]

this is becoming really hard, I swear I am trying, and i have changed to an xtent, giving him a chance etc, but it will take time for me to be overly happy. However this is not enough, He says yes you are changing but he keeps expecting this to be done over night, I know I am in the wrong about a few tings but also if i am trying surely he should be patient and tink yeh with time she will get better.
He expects me to be yes sir, 3 bags full sir, but that cannot happen, I still have my opinions and will say them if that how i feel and if i want to say no then it should not be a major deal cos its not like i say no to every single ting he says. As soon as I say no to something he switches and then it turns into a long thing..
Its like i am trapped and cannot say my true feelings and opinions cos as soon as I do that its jus blows off. I may as well jus say yes to save the headache.. but that is not me..
I want to cry soo badly, but i cant, dno wats wrong but it wont happen, i feel like proper sobbing just to releave some weight and its all bottled up and i feel a big weight on me.. it is sooo hard.:cry:

[------]

:salamext:

Sis you have to know how to deal with Pakistani men, they want you to obey them in every single matter, which you should do to some extent to please him, but also try and so what you want as well rather than what he wants.

It's quite simple really.

[Tania]

He expects me to be yes sir, 3 bags full sir, but that cannot happen, I still have my opinions and will say them if that how i feel and if i want to say no then it should not be a major deal cos its not like i say no to every single ting he says. As soon as I say no to something he switches and then it turns into a long thing..

Don't change yourself. I don't know pakistani culture but you should try to be yourself. He must make a move. -[
I saw an indian movie and i was shocked. They are before marriage, talking:
He: - What could i tell you about future, when i didn't tell you about past. (very lovely, i say)
She: blush
and after that:
He: Could you bring me a glass of water :?
She: In a minute and she runs after the glass :rollseyes

I would have asked him : You don't remember where is the sink :? - the kitchen department :? It was his house and she was there with her parents in visit.

Try to be natural. Something must hit his head.

[James1992]

My dad told me that all women are is baby machines.....How wrong can you be i said back to him..

[Lonely Gal]

its not that, i dnt mind doings things like that as long as i aint like a slave.. cos i know he do same for me..
but i cnt get past the yes yes yes mentality. if i have a view y cnt i express it..

[------]

:salamext:

^ Because that is the Pakistani Thinking!! You just can't, accept it!

I think it's coz ur from UK you find it hard to stay on common grounds with him, which many girls from UK find hard, unless they know the Pakistani culture well.

[Eeman]

this is becoming really hard, I swear I am trying, and i have changed to an xtent, giving him a chance etc, but it will take time for me to be overly happy. However this is not enough, He says yes you are changing but he keeps expecting this to be done over night, I know I am in the wrong about a few tings but also if i am trying surely he should be patient and tink yeh with time she will get better.
He expects me to be yes sir, 3 bags full sir, but that cannot happen, I still have my opinions and will say them if that how i feel and if i want to say no then it should not be a major deal cos its not like i say no to every single ting he says. As soon as I say no to something he switches and then it turns into a long thing..
Its like i am trapped and cannot say my true feelings and opinions cos as soon as I do that its jus blows off. I may as well jus say yes to save the headache.. but that is not me..
I want to cry soo badly, but i cant, dno wats wrong but it wont happen, i feel like proper sobbing just to releave some weight and its all bottled up and i feel a big weight on me.. it is sooo hard.:cry:

Dear sis i really do fee for you there although my husband is not from back home he is still pakistani born and bredhere and even he has the same mentality.
it gets me soooooooooo frustrated well at the start it really did it made me very depressed it came to the point where it started affecting my health i felt like there was no point even talking to him no more cos it was like me banging my head against a brick wall.

he expected me a person who had never cooked before in her life to cook her home made food like his mum??????? i didnt know how to boil an egg let alone cook pakistani food!!!

i had to always agree with him and hold my peace if he said the sky is green then i had to say yes its green...

it even came to one point where he once threw a verse of the Qur'an on me saying oh since your so holy and preach people whydont you have a look at this... it was a verse from surah an nisa:

34. Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all).

his argument was that men are superior and women have no worth, that even Allah has ordered women to be obedient to their husbands, so that i should always agree with him no matter what even if he is wrong, or he threatened me that he will leave me just like it states in the Qur'an!!!!!!!!

i wanted to yank my hair outtttttttttt i was so frustrated, i mean what do you say to a fool like that? first he doesnt even understand the meaning of the ayah next he tries to put his own meanings to Allah swt's devine message and throws it in your face.

so i just held my tongue and sis try this it always works for me i swear to you...
whenever he starts now with his mumbo jumbo i keep my peace take time out and do 2 rakah nafl it calms me down, gives me peace and reminds me that this world is just temporary i cannot let myself be lost in it.

before i used to get angry easily and it would build up and up and come to the point where i'd explode and i realised that i'd be the one commiting more sin being horrible and saying nasty stuff and being mean, now i let him commit all the sins, i always tell him that if he has nothing nice to say then dont say it at all and i act upon my own advice but he just has not learnt yet i guess.

I really do pray for u sis, just try not to let his comments gets to you, i dont let my husbands comments get to me, and the only way it doesnt affect me now is cos whenever i do something for him no matter how big or small i do it for the sake of Allah swt and i expect no reward or even a sign of appreciation from my husband, which i would never get so it does not bother me no more. so i still do what i am bound to do by duty and i make all the ffort but i dont do it to make my husband happy i do it to make Allah swt happy knowing that He is the all Seer all Knower and He hears all. so as long as He knows it then i dont care about anyone else.

[Lonely Gal]

thansk for the support.. i dont like living like this, i hate it.
every sec my thorts are all over the place. my enjoyment to do even lil ordinary tasks has gone..

[Lonely Gal]

its only people frm back home, its anyone with a typical thinking, I know guys UK born and bred that expect, yes yes and yes..

[------]

Are you ignoring my posts on purpose? Or are you just here for sympathy?!

[Lonely Gal]

u no what.. forget i said anything... close the thread.

[Lonely Gal]

why the hell would i need sympathy...

[------]

Because ur not trying to interact with him the way you should! Obviously he's not going to have your line of thought, he's fomr Pakistan for God' sake. You're just not realising that.

[Lonely Gal]

yeh and what about me saying im trying.. anyways forget it. No matter what u think of me and the situation there was no need for the comment 'Or are you just here for sympathy?!;
just uncalled for..

[------]

:salamext:

Ok, sorry. That was uncalled for. But sis as a UK girl, you're not understanding the mentality of Pakistani people. That is the main problem. He's not understanding you anf you're not understanding him.

[Lonely Gal]

fair enough but thats where I say I am trying but I cannot change meself as a person and says things that only he wants to hear, what about my views and opinions. I stil want to be able to say things that I tink and feel without getting grilled for it. It has to be a compromise and if I am trying by listening to some things, then why does he have to turn everything into a major things wen i say no and view my opinions. If i have to say and do everythin the way he likes,what is the point of me and my existance..?

[Eeman]

Are you ignoring my posts on purpose? Or are you just here for sympathy?!

Dear sister serene,

it does not matter if she is ignoring your posts or here for sympathy,
you as a muslm sister did your part and gave your advice, its upto the person to take it or not, for your efforts your rewards are with Allah swt and i pray that He mulitplies your rewards.

even if the sister is here for sympathy and only wants a listening ear then we shuld be here forher and try to make her feel better.

Sister serene, when you are not in that position and have never been in one it is not easy for the human mind to comprehend or understand where that person is coming from. Until you have that problem youself and going through it then you realise wow was i ignorant aboutthis before or what.

so be gentle with the sister, she has enough going on in her life coming to this forum is where she may find peace or with the hope that maybe someone would guide her to understand better, so the last thing she needs is someone being difficult with her here.

ma salama.

[------]

I wasn't talking to you, so stop replying to my posts. I have actually given advice, if you care to read the thread properly. Please do not reply to my posts if you do not have anything constructive to say!

[Lonely Gal]

please forget it.. close this thread

[Lonely Gal]

thanks 4 all the advise- appreiciated from all

[Eeman]

I wasn't talking to you, so stop replying to my posts. I have actually given advice, if you care to read the thread properly. Please do not reply to my posts if you do not have anything constructive to say!

well maybe you should listen to your own advise if you have nothing nice to say then stay quiet!!!
and i am referring to your private message you sent me!

in the future i wont even bother with you.

ma salama.

[------]

Thanks.

[Tania]

Invite your mom to stay with you. She will fix the situation :)

[Musaafirah]

:sl:
Sis Lonely Gal,
I sincerely hope things work out for you! Am not in your situation so won't be able to give you any constructive advice..
Jus wondering if you take time out to think about yourself and your attitudes and how and why it's affecting your relationship as opposed to focusing on your emotions, if you get what I mean.
Keep in contact with your mates! The ones that are religiously inclined of course, because by them knowing you personally and knowing your situation, they'd be better suited to giving you advice as opposed to the advice being given to you here on this forum coz we don't personally know you..If you get what I mean..
Apologise in advance if my post may offend you..Am trying to be as unoffensive as possible..
Sister Serene, I think you're last few posts were uncalled for..(no offence!), other than that you gave real good advice before, but again we aren't in the sisters shoes to know what she's personally going through, we're just gettin the general air of things, so please be considerate..
(Whoah, this is probably the longest post I've written here..!)
Peace out! xXx

[sangeeta]

Talk to someone that can help and give you honest advice.Attraction is important,just as chemistry is.If you dont get on you are eing sensible to question it now,rather than waiting longer possibly having kids.If you get the advice and it is right folow it.If it still seems you are at loggerheads get second opinion.

[TotalControl]

:sl:

I can understand what it is that makes you act the way you do. If it is something you didn't want, then it makes sense for you to subconciously repel the things or people you don't like. I myself was in this mess (the thread has now unfortunately been deleted) but working things out is quite often not the best of ways. There is no harm in applying yourself and trying to make it work, but for the love of god, if it isn't working don't put yourself through it!

Inshallah things will work out with your husband and if HE wants to make things work then he will change himself. A clap requires 2 hands to make a noise and it won't be until both of you understand what it is that you need to do for each other that the noise just won't be made.

:w: