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Lonely Gal
06-20-2008, 11:28 AM
My best mate is going through a very tough time with her husband, he chose her and they got married, their related so she dint say no him cos she was OK with it.. However he don't keep her happy, doesn't take her out anywhere, if they make plans he cancels and is always tinkin abt his friends. They been married few months and she aint even been to the local shops with him. he is a very boring guy and those tantrums like a baby on a daily basis over the smallest things..
I hate listenin to me mate feel so down and hurt, just want her to be happy, What can I do to help?
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AvarAllahNoor
06-20-2008, 12:03 PM
Hmmm, has she spoken to him about it? that may help. If she has and he's not bothered, well then she may need to re-think things through. All though divorce on the grounds 'He's not taken her to the local shops' won't stand up in court. lol
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------
06-20-2008, 12:06 PM
:salamext:

Why did she marry him?
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crayon
06-20-2008, 12:06 PM
First, have her talk to him about it, if she hasn't already. He probably doesn't even know she feels this way, men tend to be quite clueless a lot of the time.
If that doesn't work, have a male friend of his that you or your friend know talk to him.
Just tell him how she feels, what she wants, that sort of thing. Let him know she's not happy this way..
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Lonely Gal
06-20-2008, 12:09 PM
lol i know shops aint anything big but he dont bother with her at all..
he moans abt everything and jus tinks abt food and friends, not keepin her happy.

many times she has sed u dnt keep me happy, i aint happy at all, we shud do things, be a husband and wife but it dnt feel like it..
she married him cos there was no other good ristha for her and wen he asked to marry her she cud not say no as he is from the family..
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AvarAllahNoor
06-20-2008, 12:13 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Lonely Gal
lol i know shops aint anything big but he dont bother with her at all..
he moans abt everything and jus tinks abt food and friends, not keepin her happy.

many times she has sed u dnt keep me happy, i aint happy at all, we shud do things, be a husband and wife but it dnt feel like it..
she married him cos there was no other good ristha for her and wen he asked to marry her she cud not say no as he is from the family..
Get her to ask a family elder to talk to him. Men talking to men, can at times make things clearer.

Tell her to arrange a day out with him, and then see how he responds to that. It does take two to tango, so she should try something, and see what the result is.
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Lonely Gal
06-20-2008, 12:17 PM
for someone who chose the person they wana marry, he shud be payin her more attention and treatn her as a wife.. as far as shes concerned shes jus there to cook and clean for him, as he bothers in no other way. Their both from UK so u'd thing they both would understand wat is required from both husband and wife.. and even more so when you have selected the partner.
she can be an angry person but has controlled herself alot but he still goes crazy when he cant find his clothes, throwing a tantrum. This she would not mind if he was bothering with her, she has had enough but cant turn to anyone cos with typical family they will say well at least he aint hittin u, or keep at it and try, not thinkin she is very unhappy..
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IbnAbdulHakim
06-20-2008, 12:18 PM
someone needs to make him understand that he needs to be a husband, not a master


find that someone inshaAllaah
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Lonely Gal
06-20-2008, 12:19 PM
she goes lets go for walk.. he goes go with ur sisters.. she goes i wana go with u... he goes naa not now, a little while later hes off to see his friends...
they decided to go out but he doesnt mention it wen the day comes.. they were supposed to go yday but he sed we'l go today, and today he sayin shall we go nex week...
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AvarAllahNoor
06-20-2008, 12:19 PM
Hmmm. Well them tell her to talk to him kindly, if he's not concerned then be stern! Tell him she's going on strike and he'll soon change his ways trust me. Men panic when they can't cook or clean!
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Lonely Gal
06-20-2008, 12:21 PM
not that easy,, they live with his mother and father, so good old mother in law will be happy to run around after him.. and then she looks bad in her mother in laws eyes....
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IbnAbdulHakim
06-20-2008, 12:21 PM
^ lollll

sis i dnt understand why this happened to be honest

dont he like her?

dont men like spending time with their wives?

my bro tries spending as many seconds in the day as he can wiv his wife... and he wiv her.. that goes for my cousins etc.


whats wrong with this guy? dont he want her?


like i said before sis, find that someone who can talk 2 him... he needs to sort it out
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AvarAllahNoor
06-20-2008, 12:23 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Lonely Gal
not that easy,, they live with his mother and father, so good old mother in law will be happy to run around after him.. and then she looks bad in her mother in laws eyes....
Sas is always thinking her son's wife isn't good enough! Is she getting on well with her? if so tell her to tell him. Unless she's encouraging him like evil sas do! :raging:
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Lonely Gal
06-20-2008, 12:27 PM
he CHOSE her!!!
dunno what the problem is...
he thinks everything is fine and she keeps sayin i aint happy, they havemore convo in txt than they do livin in the same house..
her mother in law is OK.. she understand hes a bit mad .. but my mate cnt say much to her abt the way he is being.. she is livin in her house and its her son
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crayon
06-20-2008, 12:28 PM
I think the problem with his is that he still thinks he's a bachelor. From what you described, he doesn't seem to understand that he has a wife now, who needs to spend time with him, that he can't come and go as he please all the time.
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AvarAllahNoor
06-20-2008, 12:29 PM
'He's a bit mad' Lord, hence him wanting to marry her and be his slave and tolerate his behaviour. He's behaving like he's still single! He needs a good thappar (slap) that'll get rid of his madness!!
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Lonely Gal
06-20-2008, 12:30 PM
the frustratin thing is if he werent ready he shudnt av asked to marry her, and if so meet her needs and listen and act upon wat she says to him...
he'd much rather be home watchin the footy..
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IbnAbdulHakim
06-20-2008, 12:31 PM
^ he sounds like a 5 yr old...


this is such a silly problem, sis just get someone to talk to him! someone whos a big bro figure typa thing
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------
06-20-2008, 12:32 PM
:salamext:

they havemore convo in txt than they do livin in the same house..
WAT THE HEK!!!

The guy needs to sort his priorities out!!! She deserves better than him by the sounds of it!!!
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Lonely Gal
06-20-2008, 12:34 PM
i no there aint much i can do.. jus sooo frustratin see me best mate like this...
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------
06-20-2008, 12:34 PM
:salamext:

How old are they both by the way?
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Lonely Gal
06-20-2008, 12:38 PM
21 and 23
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------
06-20-2008, 12:39 PM
:salamext:

The guy is 23? And he's acting so immature? SubhaanAllaah this is one of the reason why I get put off marriage.
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AnonymousPoster
06-20-2008, 12:51 PM
What a poo head! My advice is to divorce the *cough cough cough* but that 'Islamically' should be the last resort.
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Lonely Gal
06-20-2008, 12:59 PM
well if it dnt change.. it wil head that way.. :-(
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Woodrow
06-20-2008, 01:24 PM
Marriage is a full time job. It takes 2 hard workers to make it be a success. Both need to sit down discuss valid goals as to what their marriage should accomplish and then each work at making it happen.
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------
06-20-2008, 01:33 PM
:salamext:

^ Yeh. They aren't kids anymore. Grow up and take responsibility for heavens sake.
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Lonely Gal
06-20-2008, 02:48 PM
i know but how can I support her,
when she rings me upset, I just don't know what to say to make her feel better, and feel bad, I say things but its just feels like its a formality
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aminahjaan
06-24-2008, 07:38 PM
Okay this doesn't make ANY sense, a 23 year old man whines for small little things is getting so friggin butt hurt when his wife just wants love and attention like any other wife needs.

I say that the wife either spills her guts out and starts crying and making him feel guilty or you talk to the mother in law about it because momma's boys listen to their mommy. Because if I was his wife or his wife's friend I wouldn't let it go down like that. I would like slap him hahahhaha like AvarAllahNoor would
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Sapahi
06-24-2008, 08:17 PM
I think she needs to have a long talk with him and discuss this matter. Insha'ALLAH things will work out just fine...
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Snowflake
06-24-2008, 10:06 PM
asalam alaikum wr wb,

I'm sorry to be blunt, but I think he just married your friend to fulfil his desires the halal way! It seems that's all marriage means to him. Obviously he doesn't have the foggiest what else being a husband means. The first thing your friend should do is make sure she doesn't get pregnant. I think it's extremely foolish of women to get pregnant when a marriage is unstable/unhappy, and especially so from thinking that a baby will save the day. Sometimes, things will get worse by the increase in responsibilities. The only thing worst than having a neglectful husband is, having children who get neglected too!

I don't know if your friend will be able to get through to him, as sometimes it's not what we say, but how we say it that makes all the difference. Also if the listener doesn't appreciate you then it probably won't make a difference however you say it. If there is someone he looks up to and respects, then tell your friend to get that person to intervene and make the husband understand his duties. Tell your friend to be patient, as you can't just run off at the first sign of trouble. Tell her to buy him a CD on 'Husband's duties' etc etc.. along with something he likes. And she must make duaa - lots of it, before giving up hope. (salatul Hajat is great for specific purposes inshaAllah)


Finally, I wouldn't expect anyone to waste years of their life to get the 'sacrificing wife' trophy on the death-bed. It does take time for a person to change, and if there are signs then bear with it patiently. But if after a fair amount of time, there is no change, then best to call it a day. Life isn't for suffering - not when you have the right and the power to change it.


wa alaikum asalam wr wb.
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DaNgErOuS MiNdS
06-24-2008, 10:30 PM
I have noticed this kind of thing happens quite a lot in the Pakistani culture and usually its because the husband has been spoilt rotten by his family that when he gets married like has been mentioned he thinks he has become some kind of ultimate master. Sometimes this happens when the husnad has been forced to marry someone he didnt want to get marrued but because of family ties etc their families get them married regardless, I have a few friends/brothers in this situation and they pretty much ignore their wives because of this.

The situation is a really difficult one and Its really tough for the sister because if she takes a stand everyone (husbands side) could go against her but saying that the sister shouldn't have to take what she is taking and try differnt ways to make it work.

I dont know if this works but would moving away from husband to her own parents house help if problems persist help?

May Allah swt make the marriage a successful one. Make sure you tell the sister to keep making dua and try her best Insha'Allah.
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Eeman
06-29-2008, 05:10 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Lonely Gal
he CHOSE her!!!
dunno what the problem is...
he thinks everything is fine and she keeps sayin i aint happy, they havemore convo in txt than they do livin in the same house..
her mother in law is OK.. she understand hes a bit mad .. but my mate cnt say much to her abt the way he is being.. she is livin in her house and its her son
are they pakistani or indian?
cos if they are then tell her to go and sulk at her mums, its a tradtional thing for them, either the guy will wake up and realise thathe needs to grow up and take responsibility or he wont bother which means plainly that he is not happy with the decision that he has made and regrets marrying her and no matter what she does he simply will not make her or be even capable of trying to make her happy let alone actually succeed.

after i got married at first me and my husand had an big row and he sent me to my mums I WAS FUMING!!!!!!! we dont do stuff like that whatsoever that only happens when you separate. but shortly i found out that amongst pakistanis it was common this is what the wife does, but here is the crunch...
they go and sulk for a few days and they do this very often, after my husband did that i didnt go back to him for months, he was begging and crying and i said no! this should be a bloody lesson to u for playing ur stupid cultural games with me i aint having none of it. lol
since then if we ever do have any rows he dares not utter anything about me going to my mums cos he knows best not to.

so thats what she should do! give him a taste of his own medicine and let him be for a while.

i know it may not be right islamically but honestly with men they just never bloody understand how much u do for them and the more you do the more they take advantage... ungrateful silly creatures they are!!!

sorry no offence brothers.

ma salama
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Tornado
06-29-2008, 07:02 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
asalam alaikum wr wb,

I'm sorry to be blunt, but I think he just married your friend to fulfil his desires the halal way! It seems that's all marriage means to him. Obviously he doesn't have the foggiest what else being a husband means. The first thing your friend should do is make sure she doesn't get pregnant. I think it's extremely foolish of women to get pregnant when a marriage is unstable/unhappy, and especially so from thinking that a baby will save the day. Sometimes, things will get worse by the increase in responsibilities. The only thing worst than having a neglectful husband is, having children who get neglected too!

I don't know if your friend will be able to get through to him, as sometimes it's not what we say, but how we say it that makes all the difference. Also if the listener doesn't appreciate you then it probably won't make a difference however you say it. If there is someone he looks up to and respects, then tell your friend to get that person to intervene and make the husband understand his duties. Tell your friend to be patient, as you can't just run off at the first sign of trouble. Tell her to buy him a CD on 'Husband's duties' etc etc.. along with something he likes. And she must make duaa - lots of it, before giving up hope. (salatul Hajat is great for specific purposes inshaAllah)


Finally, I wouldn't expect anyone to waste years of their life to get the 'sacrificing wife' trophy on the death-bed. It does take time for a person to change, and if there are signs then bear with it patiently. But if after a fair amount of time, there is no change, then best to call it a day. Life isn't for suffering - not when you have the right and the power to change it.


wa alaikum asalam wr wb.
^This
It seems that your friend is being neglected and her feelings are being ignored. She must go to her parents and explain to them that she's unhappy and consequently decide on the course of action to take.
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DaNgErOuS MiNdS
07-01-2008, 08:51 PM
How everything going like? hope it's improving...inshaAllah
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Lonely Gal
07-02-2008, 07:33 AM
onyl gettin worse. they aint talkin to each other, and she got proof hes been lyin as to where he has been at times when he said he is in another place. Things aren't looking good at all..
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------
07-02-2008, 08:40 AM
:salamext:

So why can't they seperate again? Of course that should be the last resort, but I can't see him growing up too soon.
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Lonely Gal
07-02-2008, 08:47 AM
because - typical family - typical thoughts - 'he might still change'
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------
07-02-2008, 08:54 AM
:salamext:

Pakistani by any chance? :-\
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Lonely Gal
07-02-2008, 08:55 AM
of course
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Cabdullahi
07-02-2008, 08:59 AM
Aye! lets not forget ,women are a little bit demanding we have to put that into perspective,maybe the brother is trying something to please his wife maybe hes stuck between spending time with his wife and chilling out with he's mates,and because he is married he's trying hard to balance the both.

We have some ppl here especially the sisters who are fuming as it were and saying he just married her for this for that! but to be honest we dont know why he married her only allah knows and we also have to remember that the brother asked her to marry him which means he probably longed for her and with this great desire from him ,loving and spending time will not be a stumbling rock it will be easy
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Lonely Gal
07-02-2008, 09:03 AM
for sum1 who chose the gal, he aint showin much.
he dont spend time with her, he dont take her out, he can do for days without talkin to her. He lies to her. If she says lets go somewhere he says no, take someone else, and if they do go he sits there misreably.
I know how my mate is and she is being calm about this and does things he says but he is always moody and screwing at her.
Now that the lying has started, it aint gettin easier. A husband who goes out and says he bak in hours but takes 4 hours and returns at 5am.. is that something that he needs to do??? no.. she is in his house.. she only has him but hes not around eiva..
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Cabdullahi
07-02-2008, 09:11 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Lonely Gal
for sum1 who chose the gal, he aint showin much.
he dont spend time with her, he dont take her out, he can do for days without talkin to her. He lies to her. If she says lets go somewhere he says no, take someone else, and if they do go he sits there misreably.
I know how my mate is and she is being calm about this and does things he says but he is always moody and screwing at her.
Now that the lying has started, it aint gettin easier. A husband who goes out and says he bak in hours but takes 4 hours and returns at 5am.. is that something that he needs to do??? no.. she is in his house.. she only has him but hes not around eiva..
Is he even a practising muslim?? people marry non-practising muslims expecting everything to be 'mashallah perfect'
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------
07-02-2008, 09:13 AM
:salamext:

I think both Lonely Gal and Ahmedjunior have a valid point.

If he's not practising, u cant expect more.

He married her, and this is not how he should behave.
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Lonely Gal
07-02-2008, 09:19 AM
he is not practising but surely if u chose sum1, u wud acknowledge them
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Cabdullahi
07-02-2008, 09:25 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Lonely Gal
he is not practising but surely if u chose sum1, u wud acknowledge them
Why would you acknowledge anything if you couldnt acknowledge and practise the most important thing(islam) that helps you deal with life including marriage

:rollseyes
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------
07-02-2008, 09:29 AM
:salamext:

^ Exactly what I was going to say.

How do you know he's not a playa n was playin with her?
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Lonely Gal
07-02-2008, 09:29 AM
hw did he realise he wanted her then...
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Lonely Gal
07-02-2008, 09:30 AM
i dnt no any of this.
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Snowflake
07-02-2008, 11:35 AM
asalam alaikum wr wb,

I just wanted to say that not all non practicing muslims are bad people or bad husbands. It also depends on whether the person has any decency,moral values and humanity. I can find 'practicing' muslims who treat their wives like dirt. If the heart is bad, religion isnt going to do anything.


wa alaikum asalam wr wb.
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Souljette
07-02-2008, 12:50 PM
:sl:

Sis Scents of Jannah ...it also depends on what he is practising many people in South Asian countries now mix culture with Islam ..they take what they like of Islam and take what they like of their culture..BUT a person who takes Islam as a way of life fully and tries to change their habits of Jahilliyah it is understandable but if a person is not willing to change then that person has to go..

SIs Lonely Gal...You don't know the husband's past nor do you have to answer anyone's questions or assumptions ..you need to talk to you friend and see how she feels also tell her to talk to her husband about it ..if he is not fulfilling what she wants then you gotta tell her what to do
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James1992
07-02-2008, 01:14 PM
Sounds a bit strange to me...
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