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glo
07-17-2008, 07:26 AM
Now, I am the mother of a teenage daughter ...
I know that there are many youngsters here in this forum, so I come to you for advice.

My daughter is 14, and - as far as I can see - has no interests other than sitting in her room, playing her DS or spending time chatting to friends on the computer.
Okay, so I exaggerate slightly ... she also likes reading and she has just started playing the flute.

Thing is, she seems to have hardly any energy or motivation to do anything that requires an even small amount of physical effort. Housework, homework, her paper round, even going for a walk or to the shops ... everything seems too much!
She seems more like and old woman than a young girl!

I took her to the doctor to have her checked over and her iron levels tested. But physically she seems fine.

Is this a teenage thing?
What should I do? Be gentle and understanding (heck, I am not feeling understanding! :uuh:)
Be tough?

Please, young and old people out there, give me your thoughts and advice! :)

Thanks
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glo
07-17-2008, 03:28 PM
Thanks for approving this thread.
Any thoughts, anybody ...?
Reply

'Abd al-Baari
07-17-2008, 03:35 PM
:sl:

Sounds a bit like me :uuh:.

At this age, us children are under a lot of pressure. Pressure from schoolwork, friends etc etc, which is whilst at home we don't like to do much.

Be tough, but not too tough, also try and spend some time with her, just talking about her and how she is etc [but again not too much time :p], i think that would be the best. :D Insha'Allah.

:w:
Reply

aamirsaab
07-17-2008, 03:38 PM
:sl:
Could try organising a picnic with her. Like a visit to the park or whatnot. Maybe she's simply bored - a good picnic outside with the sun is always good fun.

Pack some strawberries too - they taste so good in the summer.

If not, you could take her on a shopping trip - or any activity really as long as it's WITH her. Make her feel like she's your daughter and you her mother; let the relationship be like best friend.
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AnonymousPoster
07-17-2008, 03:43 PM
:sl:
This used to be the same with may friends/family member the same age as me (16ish). But it soon kinda disappeared after they started doing what they liked. (sports/games etc..)
i have to admit i WAS-not any longer :p was similar ;D
Reply

Cabdullahi
07-17-2008, 03:46 PM
from reading your post i feel all mothers are the same,they all want the best for their kids
Regarding your daughter,i would say spend at least 1 hour a day just talking to her and doing things together to de programme her,you are probably thinking 'what kind of crap is he talking about' kids watch tv,go on the internet and talk with friends whether they are good friends or not only god knows but all of the above have a great influence,so therefore as a mother you have a great battle on your hands to lead you daughter to become a good child that obeys her mother
Reply

Brother_Mujahid
07-17-2008, 03:47 PM
i think its part of puberty...

girls can go cranky at that age and don't want to know about anything else.

Just try making her spend some 'quality' time with her. go for a walk together. have some tea. eat dinner and discuss what your concerns are and what you expect/want from her.
Reply

Brother_Mujahid
07-17-2008, 03:49 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Ahmedjunior
Regarding your daughter,i would say spend at least 1 hour a day just talking to her and doing things together to de programme
1 hours too long. :uuh:
Reply

Ali.
07-17-2008, 03:51 PM
' Am a teen.

format_quote Originally Posted by aamirsaab
:sl:
Could try organising a picnic with her. Like a visit to the park or whatnot. .
Boring.

Pack some strawberries too - they taste so good in the summer.
Boring.

If not, you could take her on a shopping trip
Losing-the-will-to-live-type-boring.


I enjoy stuff like...

Bowling
Sports
Going around on my own in a busy place to clear thoughts

But then again, I'm Male, so that might make a difference as to what she may enjoy.

Also what Abdul Baari said is good.

My Dad sometimes calls me an old man like you've described your daughter... :mad:. I just need run around before I become 'young' and lively enough for him.
Reply

Cabdullahi
07-17-2008, 03:52 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Brother_Mujahid
1 hours too long. :uuh:
Well Mother glo can decide that for herself whether she wants to allocate 10 minutes ,or 2 hours
Reply

AnonymousPoster
07-17-2008, 03:57 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by glo
Now, I am the mother of a teenage daughter ...
I know that there are many youngsters here in this forum, so I come to you for advice.

My daughter is 14, and - as far as I can see - has no interests other than sitting in her room, playing her DS or spending time chatting to friends on the computer.
Okay, so I exaggerate slightly ... she also likes reading and she has just started playing the flute.

Thing is, she seems to have hardly any energy or motivation to do anything that requires an even small amount of physical effort. Housework, homework, her paper round, even going for a walk or to the shops ... everything seems too much!
She seems more like and old woman than a young girl!

I took her to the doctor to have her checked over and her iron levels tested. But physically she seems fine.

Is this a teenage thing?
What should I do? Be gentle and understanding (heck, I am not feeling understanding! :uuh:)
Be tough?

Please, young and old people out there, give me your thoughts and advice! :)

Thanks

hello,
I am a teenage girl and it seems like normal behaviour. I enjoy being locked up in my room on the computer or reading. Soemtimes(actually most of the time) teens do not want to talk to their parents and just want to be left alone.
Reply

Cabdullahi
07-17-2008, 04:00 PM
When i was 14-16 i was spending more time outside in the area than at home
Reply

truemuslim
07-17-2008, 04:17 PM
Nah dont go shopping with her unless your going to buy her everything :P everyone knows that. Or give her money to go shopping.
Picnic is boring.
Give her an ipod and a basketball hoop, and she wont ever play DS again! :P
But yah i guess its probably just pressure from stuff. Thought pretty much everyone in my nieghborhood stay inside, except the teens, NO teen stay inside during the day OR night here. lol. they go to like skateparks, shopping, soccor, etc etc.
Reply

Mysterious Uk
07-17-2008, 04:19 PM
I think it is just a phase, i went through it and my lil sister is going through it now; she is either on the pc or ps3 24/7. I find that nagging or forcing them to go out does not help. I would suggest going to the cinema or something once in a while cos we tend to stay in our rooms all day cos there is nothing else to do. Dont worry about it, she'l probs just grow out of it. I havn't been v. helpful but anyhu good luck wit everthing.
Reply

IbnAbdulHakim
07-17-2008, 04:31 PM
yep, electronic stuff can do that to kids and believe it or not, adults too !


i guess you can call it a side-effect of addiction
Reply

Re.TiReD
07-17-2008, 04:43 PM
Hullo Glo :D

Woops I made a typo and accidently wrote Glop instead of Glo :embarrass :D

Hmm anywayyyy....You know, (Now this may sound like a load of custard cream) but at that age teens are tryna find their place in the world, what they wanna do with themselves and most often than not, plotting on how to take over the world :D... I kid you not :muddlehea Actually I'm kiddin :D

When I was that age, like 5 years ago...I'd sit in my room and read aaalllll day....literally 5 hours at a time, I dont know why exactly but I know that I enjoyed my own company. I also know that if I had something in my mind, I'd prefer to stay alone, I'd NEVER tell anybody...and the only way my mum could get anything out of me was by taking me out on a loooonnnng drive! And that really worked believe it or not.

Soooo.....go somewhere with her, take her out and try getting her to open up...maybe she has something on her mind? Its probably a normal teenage thing on her mind but maybe she needs to get summin off of her chest.

And also...she probz dont feel like doing anything around the house because of factors like school work/stress/exams etc. When you come home from that sorta environment (full of stress and worrrrk and more worrrk etc etc) you really cant be bothered doing anything at home. Heck I'm at uni only 3 days a week and I'm like that! Lol :D

So yeah...Thats enough of my essay, I think most of it is a load of candy-floss but there ya gooo :D

Goodbye :D
Reply

glo
07-18-2008, 05:56 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by aamirsaab
If not, you could take her on a shopping trip - or any activity really as long as it's WITH her. Make her feel like she's your daughter and you her mother; let the relationship be like best friend.
Yeah, shopping would probably do it!! :D

I must say, we do enjoy girlie times our from time to time. Although I don't enjoy clothes shopping myself very much (I get most of my own clothes from the charity shop), I do enjoy spending the time just with her.

But it seems hard to make that time, when you are a working mother of two children, with other commitments too ...

But you are right ... I will try harder to make time. Especially with the summer hols coming up ... :)
Reply

glo
07-18-2008, 06:12 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Ahmedjunior
Regarding your daughter,i would say spend at least 1 hour a day just talking to her and doing things together to de programme her,you are probably thinking 'what kind of crap is he talking about' kids watch tv,go on the internet and talk with friends whether they are good friends or not only god knows but all of the above have a great influence,so therefore as a mother you have a great battle on your hands to lead you daughter to become a good child that obeys her mother
format_quote Originally Posted by Brother_Mujahid
Just try making her spend some 'quality' time with her. go for a walk together. have some tea. eat dinner and discuss what your concerns are and what you expect/want from her.
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
hello,
I am a teenage girl and it seems like normal behaviour. I enjoy being locked up in my room on the computer or reading. Soemtimes(actually most of the time) teens do not want to talk to their parents and just want to be left alone.
Do you think on the whole teenager like to spend time with their parents?? I don't think that's always the message they send ...

Would it be useful to encourage her to tell my (calmly), when she really wants to be left alone, and for me to (calmly) try to accept that?
(I'm afraid I can be a bit of a naggy mother at times ... :embarrass)
Reply

glo
07-18-2008, 06:15 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Ali.
' Am a teen.
Boring.

Boring.

Losing-the-will-to-live-type-boring.

I enjoy stuff like...

Bowling
Sports
Going around on my own in a busy place to clear thoughts

But then again, I'm Male, so that might make a difference as to what she may enjoy.

Also what Abdul Baari said is good.

My Dad sometimes calls me an old man like you've described your daughter... :mad:. I just need run around before I become 'young' and lively enough for him.
format_quote Originally Posted by truemuslim
Nah dont go shopping with her unless your going to buy her everything :P everyone knows that. Or give her money to go shopping.
Picnic is boring.
Give her an ipod and a basketball hoop, and she wont ever play DS again! :P
But yah i guess its probably just pressure from stuff. Thought pretty much everyone in my nieghborhood stay inside, except the teens, NO teen stay inside during the day OR night here. lol. they go to like skateparks, shopping, soccor, etc etc.
I sense that the boys here are having a different perspective! :D

I think my dauhgter would die if I took her to the skatepark! :giggling:
Reply

glo
07-18-2008, 06:17 AM
Thank you all for your advice, especially you youngsters.

I am somewhat reassured (for now) that teenagers are human beings too, and not some kind of alien creatures who are taken over our children ...! ;D


I will let you know how we get on ...
Reply

glo
07-18-2008, 07:37 AM
... as it turns out my daughter is coming down with a cold today - sore throat and headache.

Now I am having a moment of parental guilt for having been so tough on her yesterday ... :embarrass

Is there anybody in the whole world who gets this parenting thing right, I wonder??? :?
Reply

BlissfullyJaded
07-18-2008, 08:06 AM
^ Nopes. Some just manage to make the best of the worst situations they have to deal with, especially with teenagers. I don't think you're a bad parent though, so don't be harsh on yourself. Give her space, but also draw her closer. I would consider limiting the internet access somewhat though, in a way that's not too harsh. Is there any hobby she used to be passionate about, which you can lure her into doing?

It's hard to stay patient with teenagers, cuz they're too locked up in their bubbles and I say this cuz I still sorta am in that bubble. :rolleyes: And it's hard being the kid too, cuz nobody understands that you want to be an adult and you want that respect and control over your life that adults get. They're kinda wound up in this whole thing where, like others said, they wanna change the world. And unloading the dishwasher, cleaning the house, cooking, etc doesn't quite seem like it's gonna help you and you can always do that boring stuff later in life, so they kinda roll their eyes, get annoyed at their parents, and are thinking scrap all that. As it is, they gotta go to school and study for exams and homework and all that... (And no, I was not / am not a tyrant of a teenager...:p)

Also, do you know who her friends are? You've met them / their parents to know whether they'd be a good influence on her? Always keep in touch with their parents, that's realllly important... And if they're online, then try to make sure she talks to you about them. 14 is a really impressionable age, and she can be easily harmed by people online who claim to be friends.

Hope she feels better soon btw!
Reply

niler
07-18-2008, 09:29 AM
My worry and concern is, what if its not just a phase she will outgrow,? what if the cause is something much deeper and disturbing?

What then?? i believe if u wait for too long without solving it, thinking its just a phase she'l outgrow, u might not be able to help her in the future when she is a grown up..
Reply

BlissfullyJaded
07-18-2008, 09:38 AM
^ That's why you give her space, but also draw her closer. By giving her attention and talking and letting her express herself, you find out what's in her head. And if she's not a big talker, then motivate her to express her feelings on paper...
Reply

Faye
07-18-2008, 12:16 PM
I am a teen too.

When I was 14 or so I was sleeping all the time, 16 hours a day, and still felt tired. My mother said that was part of puberty, and she had felt like that too. I've seen one of my younger sisters go through a stage like that as well.

Also, the need for privacy and personal space changes dramatically with teenhood. A teen needs a place where they can be alone and unbothered by parents and younger siblings.

As for her staying at home on her computer, maybe that's what all her friends are doing too so she has nobody to hangaround with.

I am a stay-at-home-with-books-and-computer type teen myself. I am 2nd from oldest in a family of 7 children, so part of the hide in my room behaviour is just self defense. But I love, like and respect my mother very much and enjoy spending time with her (in controled doses).
Reply

Ali.
07-18-2008, 12:36 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by glo
Would it be useful to encourage her to tell my (calmly), when she really wants to be left alone?
Well, I guess so, but I don't know. My parents never really asked me that, they could just tell.

Basically, don't over complicate things. If you wanna' go shopping or whatever with her and she doesn't want to, then really don't force her. Gain her respect so that she knows you care and you're not going to force her into anything she doesn't want to do and then maybe just for your sake she'll go someplace with you.

Also, is she religious? If so, show her quotes from the Bible about children respecting parents, that works on me (with the Qur'an) lol when I really can't be bothered to go help with the shopping etc. if I ever have to.
Reply

glo
07-18-2008, 02:30 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Jawharah
^ Nopes. Some just manage to make the best of the worst situations they have to deal with, especially with teenagers. I don't think you're a bad parent though, so don't be harsh on yourself. Give her space, but also draw her closer. I would consider limiting the internet access somewhat though, in a way that's not too harsh. Is there any hobby she used to be passionate about, which you can lure her into doing?
We do restrict the internet time, and the computer is a 'family computer' in the sitting room - so there is no secrecy, and we always know who she is chatting to and which sites she visits.

It's hard to stay patient with teenagers, cuz they're too locked up in their bubbles and I say this cuz I still sorta am in that bubble. :rolleyes: And it's hard being the kid too, cuz nobody understands that you want to be an adult and you want that respect and control over your life that adults get. They're kinda wound up in this whole thing where, like others said, they wanna change the world. And unloading the dishwasher, cleaning the house, cooking, etc doesn't quite seem like it's gonna help you and you can always do that boring stuff later in life, so they kinda roll their eyes, get annoyed at their parents, and are thinking scrap all that. As it is, they gotta go to school and study for exams and homework and all that... (And no, I was not / am not a tyrant of a teenager...:p)
You are putting things so well, it makes it easier for me to understand the struggles of teenagers. Thank you! :)

The bit about the housework makes me laugh! That's so true! :D
I often say to her: "I never had to help at home, when I was a child ... and it was really hard for me to learn when I became an adult and had to live on my own. So me teaching you now is going to make it easier for you later in life ...!!"
And she always rolls her eyes at me and says "I know, mum!" :okay:

Also, do you know who her friends are? You've met them / their parents to know whether they'd be a good influence on her? Always keep in touch with their parents, that's realllly important... And if they're online, then try to make sure she talks to you about them. 14 is a really impressionable age, and she can be easily harmed by people online who claim to be friends.
I agree. Thats' really important. Luckily I know her friends from school (and most of their parents and home situations), and they sometimes come around our house.

Hope she feels better soon btw!
School is finished. I think she feels better already!! :D
Reply

Mukafi7
07-18-2008, 04:10 PM
:sl:

This is a critical age. At this point in time, she is looking to find herself and shape her personality, which will be greatly influenced by who she spends ime with. Generally, parents lave their kids be, but try to become ppart of their kids life when the kid is experience some serious issues. At that point, the kid will reject their parent's actions thinking where were you when I needed you. So, the best advice I can give is to be constantly involved with her, learn how to be her friend (by listening w/o judging) and allow he to get used to you being involved in her life so one day if you need to take action to help her, she would not feel awckard and wounder why you are interested then. Does that make sense? I hope.
Reply

Faye
07-19-2008, 02:27 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Mukafi7
:sl:

This is a critical age. At this point in time, she is looking to find herself and shape her personality, which will be greatly influenced by who she spends ime with. Generally, parents lave their kids be, but try to become ppart of their kids life when the kid is experience some serious issues. At that point, the kid will reject their parent's actions thinking where were you when I needed you. So, the best advice I can give is to be constantly involved with her, learn how to be her friend (by listening w/o judging) and allow he to get used to you being involved in her life so one day if you need to take action to help her, she would not feel awckard and wounder why you are interested then. Does that make sense? I hope.
I don't agree with you. Teens are very sensitive to what goes on around the, not like kids who only notice what concerns them. If your teen notices you spying in her private life, friends, etc, she won't forgive you for it easily. You'll loose her trust and even though you may manage to force your way into her problems and affairs, she won't ever come to you for advice or help if she has the choice.

A better way to get involved in your teen's life is to be her friend. Give her respect and equality and she'll respond with friendship and trust. Talk to her, don't force her to talk to you. Once she is your friend, she will come to you for advice in her problems. Do exactly that, give her advice, but don't try to force your solution on her. Don't solve her problem for her unless she asks for it. She is (mostly) a rational being who can handle the majority of her problems by herself.

Occasionally you'll need to force her to do something for her own good. Try to avoid this as much as possible. If it is inevitable, explain the reasoning behind it. She may not understand it then, but she might later. And try to leave her a choice between at least 2 options. It'll help her feel less cornered, depressed and desperate.

Don't force her often if you can help it. Every time you do, you'll loose some of that precious store of trust and friendship you've built up over time. If you use it faster than you regain it, there won't be any left very soon.
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AnonymousPoster
07-19-2008, 02:32 PM
Haaallo,

Yes that sounds like me, believe it or not I am worse than that, I don't do NOTHING apart from what I want to do,

I say: leave her alone Miss.Glo Lol,

If my rents tell me to do something, or not to do something, most likely I would do the opposite of what they told me, after that, they don't ask again haha,

But I guess give her some space and she'll come round to doing it or maybe take turn in doing things so that she isn't left alone to do chores or homework, you're with her,

Buh bye.
Reply

glo
07-19-2008, 02:35 PM
^ LOL
I'd love to know your true identity, anon! :D
How old are you?
Reply

Re.TiReD
07-19-2008, 02:50 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by glo
^ LOL
I'd love to know your true identity, anon! :D
How old are you?

Lol I believe she's 19...she gave away her true identity with her spelling :p
Reply

Woodrow
07-19-2008, 02:54 PM
From a psychological viewpoint many teens become overwhelmed with the sudden impact of decision making, responsibilities so they revert back to a time of their greatest comfort,which would be babyhood. Totally cared for with all needs provided by others and no need for decisions.

It is almost always a temporary condition that seems to come and go usually lasting a few weeks at a time. However, if it persists for long periods at a time say 2-3 months I would be concerned about the possability of depression and seek a physical and psycholgical consultation.
Reply

anonymous
07-19-2008, 05:53 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by glo
Now, I am the mother of a teenage daughter ...
I know that there are many youngsters here in this forum, so I come to you for advice.

My daughter is 14, and - as far as I can see - has no interests other than sitting in her room, playing her DS or spending time chatting to friends on the computer.
Okay, so I exaggerate slightly ... she also likes reading and she has just started playing the flute.

Thing is, she seems to have hardly any energy or motivation to do anything that requires an even small amount of physical effort. Housework, homework, her paper round, even going for a walk or to the shops ... everything seems too much!
She seems more like and old woman than a young girl!

I took her to the doctor to have her checked over and her iron levels tested. But physically she seems fine.

Is this a teenage thing?
What should I do? Be gentle and understanding (heck, I am not feeling understanding! :uuh:)
Be tough?

Please, young and old people out there, give me your thoughts and advice! :)

Thanks
I wouldnt wory too much sis, that sounds like me n im 22!!!! Its just called bein lazyyyyy- iv bin like that al ma life Lol, i kno how it is. u wake up at 1, dont do a thing around the house, eat sleep watch telly, on 4n al nyt sleep l8 then cycle starts al over again

dats MEEEEE
Reply

gladTidings
07-19-2008, 08:13 PM
Hey Glo Glo:P:P

Having just left my teen years I can tell you....not to worry! Your daughter is quite a normal teenager. Its possible, as other members have said, that she wants to be accepted as an adult. However, she may just be finding it difficult to cope with the transition process. Your daughter is probably going through many physical changes at the moment and it can be quite upsetting and even traumatic. I myself lost alot of confidence and did want to be away from everyone for a little while.

In my opinion, nagging never works.. it will only make them resent you. Just make her aware that she is responsible for her own mess and your not going to do it for her. Be firm with it and dont do it for her! Otherwise she will get used to being mollycoddled and wont learn to take responsibility for her actions. In my house everyone is involved in the cleaning and we do it together... like okay everyone lets spend 30 minutes cleaning and then you can do whatever you want for the rest of the day. Nobody will bug you.

Other than that, quite simply, be her friend. Dont over do it..just let her know that you love her and that you'll be there if she needs you. Let her approach you about her problems.

Try to find out what shes passionate about and support her and encourage her in her interests. Say she likes horses...you could arrange visits and maybe even horse riding lessons. She might be growing up but shes still your little baby...and she might not admit it but she still needs you. xx
Reply

truemuslim
07-20-2008, 03:17 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by glo
I sense that the boys here are having a different perspective! :D

I think my dauhgter would die if I took her to the skatepark! :giggling:

:muddlehea im not a boy :mmokay:

Lol yah i kno, skateparks are only for wwhen ur brother forces u to watch all his tricks he can do...before he can do them..(so ur pretty much watching him learn:p)

But yah i think shopping is best. go to like a kwl mall or something...after she gets better that is. Hope she gets well :)
Reply

Mikayeel
07-20-2008, 03:26 AM
:sl:

When I was 14-15, I was lazy! Very lazy, all i did was eat, and play on the computer alot. I did not care about the housework and all that stuff. Untill my parents and my older sister decided to make a timetable for the housework, and if i did not do my job then i would not play on the computer for example.

When i was 15-16, I started playing sport. THis helped alot, it made me feel full of energy, and my self esteem went up. The diet is also very important. Lots of slow releasing carbohydrates and proteins! And ofcourse your 5 a day! These things really do help, I can assure u :)
Reply

PeaceSeeker
07-20-2008, 04:18 AM
I am a teenager, the same thing is with me. My mom calls me morobbi - the eldest in the family. but she is not so worried about it that much. She thinks I am growing up and I should be given enough time to spent for myself.
Even in my studies she never pressurizes me Alhamdulillah and um doing fine with it.
Dont take this so seriously as time passes she will understand and can handle all the situations. She needs enough space to learn from life.
Be always kind with her and win her heart. She obviously loves you. Welcome her to come to you incase of any problem if you be too tough with her she will start avoiding you. If you be nice with her she is gonna be the one coming to you in case of any problem and share her feelings with you.
Just be nice and appreciating like my mom. Incase I am too out of track her kind advices and suggestions helps me out always.
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