my Younger brother.. I am worried ..

[danialahad]

Asslam O Alikum
Dear brother and sisters.

My younger brother and sister are my responsibilty after the death of my father 6 years back. Though i donot feel my self a very good person but i tried my best to give them guidance as much as possible.

My younger brother 19 year ol talk to some girl on mobile. I warnned him so many time through anger , sympathy love and all means that this is not good and may lead to you some worng side. He dont think it is any worng act and this is just a chit chat for him.

Last night again i caught him talking to that girl, on mobile and he was saying that we are just friends.. i could not control my anger and with emotion i slaaped him twice on his face. Mother was watching us that time.

I havnt talked to both (mother and brother) since last night. I am so tennesed .. Am i reacting over or my way of reacting is not ok..

Please guide me what should i do in this situation. I have so many other problems to handle.. mean while when i see these kind of incopration from my family member i feel myself very much dejected and dissapointed.


Looking for your sincier advise in this regard ..urgent..

Thanks
Danial

[Re.TiReD]

Wa'alaykum salam Akhee

SubhanAllah.

Although he deserved that slap I dont think you should have given it him, in some cases harshness and violence just turns the person even more away from the one who is trying to help them. Try apologising to him, explain to him why you did what you did and try again to guide him, this time with gentleness,...you say you have done so before but be persistent insha'Allah. does this bro pray etc? If not try getting him to. At the end of the day there's only so much you can do...its your duty to try help him at least a little...if not then the hearts are in Allah's hands and may he guide your bro. Ameen.

:wasalamex

[Sharif]

My younger brother and sister are my responsibilty after the death of my father 6 years back. Though i donot feel my self a very good person but i tried my best to give them guidance as much as possible.

Danial, maa shaa Allaah! That's awesome that you did your best.

My younger brother 19 year ol talk to some girl on mobile.

Do you know that some girl's name and how he knows her?

I warnned him so many time through anger , sympathy love and all means that this is not good and may lead to you some worng side. He dont think it is any worng act and this is just a chit chat for him.

Hmm... Put yourself on his shoes. Why does he think that there's nothing wrong with talking to girl over the phone? Why is chit-chat "okay" for him?

Instead of just working on the surface (by warning him), get to the root and start there. Think of ways you can do that.

Not to be too personal, but let me ask you this:

If your younger brother were to "like" a girl, would he come to you and say: "I like that girl. What should I do"? OR if you asked him if he likes someone, would he tell you?

If the answer is "no" then WHO would he go to to talk about such things? You your mom? To someone else?

Whoever "that" person is (whom your younger brother would go to to express/discuss such feelings/issues), get that person to help you out in this case.

If there is no such person, then one of you MUST become that person, his confidant.

[QUOTE]Last night again i caught him talking to that girl, on mobile and he was saying that we are just friends.. i could not control my anger and with emotion i slaaped him twice on his face. Mother was watching us that time.

I havnt talked to both (mother and brother) since last night. I am so tennesed .. Am i reacting over or my way of reacting is not ok..[QUOTE]

Why haven't you talked with your mother? What did she do?

1. According to your ability, take your younger brother out to lunch/dinner/park/snack or something. Take your mother with you if that helps.

2. Make du'aa' for your brother.

3. Ask your mom to make du'aa' for you and your brother.

Please guide me what should i do in this situation. I have so many other problems to handle.. mean while when i see these kind of incopration from my family member i feel myself very much dejected and dissapointed.

Take some deep breaths as you read this. Take it easy.

Put your trust in Allaah and be smart. Look at the situations as challenges, not "problems." With each challenge, you'll grow more insha'Allah.

4. Make a list of ALL the challenges you currently have (yes, on paper).

5. Put them in order according to urgency and importance.

6. Take the top 3 challenges. For each, write down 10 things you can do to come out as a winner on the other side of that challenge.

7. Schedule those action-points.

8. Just do them.

Put your trust in Allah and take MASSIVE actions.

[adeeb]

that's too bad.. i'm sorry to say this.

slapped ure brother wouldn't finish the problem but make a new problem.

he phoned a girl, that's 'normal' for young man. give him time to enjoy the process of being teenager. but at the same time, u can give him knowledge how muslim teenager should behave toward a girl.

he can do the phone call behind u, right! so don't make him away from u but make sure he still in the right path. make him realize that what he did was wrong and he won't do that again in the future... that's what u should do.

maybe u can give him a book, or recorded lecture about this...

hope 4 the best for both of u!

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[The_Prince]

whatever you do, dont hit your younger brother, im a younger brother and i still feel some anger for things that happened in the past like when my big brother hit me and shouted at me etc. it could even lead to a fight, your brother is 19 he will probaly hit back next time, like it almost happened to me and my brother when he hit me, and we got into a rough shoving match and a fist was thrown but dodged etc, i was 20. so no hitting.

[AnonymousPoster]

whatever you do, dont hit your younger brother, im a younger brother and i still feel some anger for things that happened in the past like when my big brother hit me and shouted at me etc. it could even lead to a fight, your brother is 19 he will probaly hit back next time, like it almost happened to me and my brother when he hit me, and we got into a rough shoving match and a fist was thrown but dodged etc, i was 20. so no hitting.

Agreed. Hitting the face is forbidden anyway. As for the brother, ask him nicely three times and tell him why he can't do it etc then leave it up to him. If you bug him too much he will only start ignoring you, which means he may not listen to other 'future' advice you may have for him innay...

Carry on being a good older brother for him, :thumbs_up

[Eeman]

Asslam O Alikum
Dear brother and sisters.

My younger brother and sister are my responsibilty after the death of my father 6 years back. Though i donot feel my self a very good person but i tried my best to give them guidance as much as possible.

My younger brother 19 year ol talk to some girl on mobile. I warnned him so many time through anger , sympathy love and all means that this is not good and may lead to you some worng side. He dont think it is any worng act and this is just a chit chat for him.

Last night again i caught him talking to that girl, on mobile and he was saying that we are just friends.. i could not control my anger and with emotion i slaaped him twice on his face. Mother was watching us that time.

I havnt talked to both (mother and brother) since last night. I am so tennesed .. Am i reacting over or my way of reacting is not ok..

Please guide me what should i do in this situation. I have so many other problems to handle.. mean while when i see these kind of incopration from my family member i feel myself very much dejected and dissapointed.


Looking for your sincier advise in this regard ..urgent..

Thanks
Danial

Salam alaikum brother danial,

i totqlly understand what you mean and the frustration it cuases you try to guide and steer someone to the right way of life but somehow they just dont understand you try telling them in a nice way and many many times you do so but still its like they listen in one ear and it comes straight out of the other ear...

but brother your need to realise that through violence and force you will never be able to force it down anyone's throat.

you slapping your brother was totally wrong i mean we understand that you are going through a lot right now, not only the financial burdens but the responsibility of being like a father figure and taking care of everything nd that it itself is a very major and big responsibility which Allah swt has put on your shoulders and is a part of your test that we each and everyday are tested upon, but brother no soul bares a burden on their shoulders more than they can bare and that is the words of the Almighty Lord.

it seems that you really are tense and stressed out and frustrated hence why it is much more easier for you to loose your cool and let anger get the most out of you, remember that anger is a trait of the shaytaan and it is something that we must always seek refuge i Allah swt from.

i can see and i am sure that everyone can see that whatever you are trying to do for your brother is the best thing for him in this world and his akhira, your trying to guide him to a better way of life Mash'Allah and make him realise but brother i must tell you something, you will only succeed with patiience and kind words, that is the only time that they will take heed, yes it will seem that it is taking uch time bt Wallah i know from experience that when you try to force something upon someone for starters it is not acted upon by them genuinely from the heart, and secondly your only making things worse tha it is at home and right now you dont need that tense atmosphere at home whatsoever.

be patient with your brother, if i were you well this is what i would do, i would swallow my pride and ego and knock on his room door, ask him to ome in go and sit down one evening and have a lil talk with him like a little heart to heart and then give him a hug and you know what i would do i would apologise and kiss him on his cheek and pat his head, and i swear to you if you carry on in this manner you will Insha'Allah see the changes in him, words of love and simple acts of kindness in a loving manner have so much impact and power than harsh words of anger and violent actions.

i mean how can you try to guide your brother to the religion of truth and tell him how to live his life when your not implementing it from the start in your own life???
i dont mean that as a dig but this is something that i myself have seen over and over again, and it is what your brother is probably thinkng and to be totally honest with you he might even think that your being a hypocrite and taking things out on them or trying to show and lay down the rules in the house for them to see that your the father figure and are simply doing it to demand more respect.... my basic point is that, the real reason why your doing it is cos you are sincerely worried about him and dont want him to make the same mistakes you probably made and want him to be truly guided Insha'Allah cos otherwise quite frankly you wouldnt be here, right?

but by your actions your brother will naturally think your doing it for all other reasons, like the ones i have pointed out above other than the real reason why your doing it hence he will never take heed, or may even start to rebel just to show you and prove something to you God forbid, but its that way it goes unfrotunately with youths now. that is sadly the mentality they possess until they grow up and learn and realise through knock downs, which in itself is sad cos if you have someone who loves you and cares for you and teaches you in the most loving manner and is pateint with you then you wont come to that.

I pray that Insha'Allah Allah swt keeps you and your whole family truely guided and answers all your duas and makes your hardships easy for you and bestows patience upon you.

ma salama :statisfie

[danialahad]

Salam alaikum brother danial,
be patient with your brother, if i were you well this is what i would do, i would swallow my pride and ego and knock on his room door, ask him to ome in go and sit down one evening and have a lil talk with him like a little heart to heart and then give him a hug and you know what i would do i would apologise and kiss him on his cheek and pat his head, and i swear to you if you carry on in this manner you will Insha'Allah see the changes in him, words of love and simple acts of kindness in a loving manner have so much impact and power than harsh words of anger and violent actions.

Thanks to all,

I totaly agreed what you all people said, I wonder he is just 19 years old not even too much active to do any house work ... also not good in studies, totaly unclear about his future path and the most of them is that he donot offers his prayers.

Obviously mom didnt liked my act so , we have a kind of coldwar in the house. She didnt talked to me in this regards and so do i.

I wanted to do what you pointed out emaan, and i had already done so, before this incident happend. He said to me that he will not do such things again but what ever pocket money he got he waist it on mobile phone calling and that he do late night in lonelyness which irritates me and compelled me to be harsh. Even i have said to him in the past who ever he wants to talk , should not be private at least in the front of me , sis or mother. But when he do it in lonelyness that make me feel sad about him and i cannot control my anger. So this time i slaped him.

But now I am feeling sad,.... Looking forward to talk to him regarding this mater along with mom.

Thanks to you all, talking to you on this forum realy make me feel bater.

[Lonely Gal]

Take your time with him, and explain calmly, you comin down like a ton of bricks and slapping him will only push him further and carry on doing what hes doing. maybe the both of u could spend time together, go out and about do things, so you become close and he realises that what he is doing is not necessary...