Advice Needed

[cliffykat]

Dear Sisters and Brothers,
My life has been out of control for four years now. I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer for the second time. The first time my deen remained strong I found the ability to face the loss of ever having a child of my own with my dear husband difficult but found peace knowing that I had wonderful family with lots of children to surround myself with. This last time my deen suffered immensley. I found myself doubting my husbands love, his family's love, I went thru treatments alone and bitter. I took all the poison that they were putting into my veins to cure my cancer and put it all back onto my husband, I took all the burns and pain from my radiation treatments and put them all back on my husband. I put the poor man thru the hell I was going thru, then I decided that since he didn't appear to appreciate all the pain I was going thru that I didn't need him anymore. Less than one month after treatment finished I moved out into my own apartment. Bless him he helped me pick an apartment, found wonderful things to surround me with and kept me as his wife. I then moved away to another state due to my job and still he kept me as his wife but in the time he moved away from me emotionally and decided that divorce was the only solution to make him happy and allow him to have the joy of having children. I on the other hand had the time to heal physically and realize what a crime I had committed against him and his family for not understanding my pain and horror of the cancer and want to get back with him as his wife. Since the day that I left my life has spun out of control, to the point I have lost my job, I am having to delclare bankruptcy since I cannot pay any of the debt I have created for myself, and I feel so totally alone in this world.
I keep finding myself questioning.
Why did God let me live when so many of the women I have met with this disease who have more to give to this world than I do have died. I totally messed up a 20 year marriage thru my pig headdeness and hurt and pride, and lived to be miserable when women who are good, wonderful, have young children, have died. I keep asking why and cry myself to sleep every night and asking God to give my dear husband a wife that will be better to him than me and give him the children he so deserves and to let me die so I am no longer in pain anymore.
I know this is rambling and long, but I need guidance here on how to let him go and for me to move forward without him and not cry all the time.:cry:

[cliffykat]

What can I do to help myself? I am reading the Quran again and try to make dua, but keep comming back to why am I still alive (I know only God knows) but my heart and soul is so broken I always feel like I can't move forward. I am trying to get a new job, to support myself with and trying to find peace but it keeps running from me.

[Re.TiReD]

:salamext:

Sis, I....erm SubhanAllah I'm actually quite speechless for some reason.

Firstly, Alhamdulillah that you've had the chance to heal physically. But how about you ask yourself this, Allah (swt) may have taken the lives of so many women who had more to offer to the world (your words not mine)...But realise that you've been blessed with a chance to ask forgiveness from the people you wronged, to find 100% peace in worshipping Allah. How many people are given such a chance? Would you rather your life had been taken with you having wronged so many people?SubhanAllah.

Know that Allah (swt) will take your life when He sees fit, nobody can change that, In the meantime, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest. Ask for forgiveness from people, join them ties again and then concentrate on yourself. That means doing whatever makes you happy, and since being away fromyour husband isnt making you happy then you need to rectify your mistakes and try to work through things with him. All the best and sorry for the lame advice but I wanted to reply since your thread is 4 days old. SubhanAllah

:wasalamex

[Brother_Mujahid]

im so sorry to hear of your pain and loss and the currnt struggles of life.

Is there no way of going back to your husband?

surely you'll gain stability both emotionally and psychologically. He seems like a caring husband.

i can't really comment on your situation because i don't really know what your going through but sure sounds like alot.

If reconciliation is possible then i would think its the best option.

May Allah ease the burdens of your life and shower you with peace and tranquility. Ameen.

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[AnonymousPoster]

Sis...SubhanAllah....one thing is true, that after difficulty comes ease. It is Allah's promise to us. Sis today I was reading the story of Ayyub (as)....subhanAllah ukhti....he suffered for 70 years before Allah relieved him of his suffering.....and look, this was one of Allah's beloved prophets! yet He still tested him....

Sis....this world is NOTHING....its a prison and we gotta expect to face difficulties....sis these words may sound empty but please know that every single hurt, every single tear and betrayal...every single drop of blood that is shed in pain and every single broken dream and shattered soul is going to be a recompense for your sins.

Sister, know that all the difficulties you face today can only leadto a brighter tomorow and a happy aakhirah. sister..Allah LOVES those who turn to Him sincerely....He has given you the most beautiful chance to show sabr....to show ur truee level of Eeman....sis...the shaytaan wen to hadhrat ayyub so many times...but each time ayyub (as) remained strong,,,no matter what calamities befell him. My sweet sis....be a shining beacon for the Ummah of today and show Allah (swt) that no matter how much He tests you,you are willing to enudre it for His sake....for an eternal reward in Jannah.

i can only offer you my duaas and ask Allah (swt) to remove ur pain and suffering. stay strong sis

:wasalamex

[Tania]

You should try to contact your husband, instead to run from him.

[Sahabiyaat]

:sl:

im so sorry about your situation,

Has your husband ever pressured you about children or expressed his desire for children or in any way made you feel he doesnt love you anymore simply because you cant have children, if so your actions may have the tiniest justification to them but thats all unfortunately...

has the divorce been finalised?, if not there is no reason why you shouldnt go back to him, or is there?

and finally, how do you feel about a him having a second wife who can bear him children?

[TrueStranger]

:sl:

Words of comfort are at times rare to capture. Everyone understands and knows your pain and suffering, but the words that could ease your troubles have become meaningless, in the sense that they are weak compare to the emotional turmoil you are facing.

Women are in general more emotional than men, and at times all those emotions cloud our thinking process. Our emotions can only be healed by a patient heart and a humbled soul. Words comfort our minds and patience comforts our hearts. So allow the words of Allah (Quran) to comfort your mind and allow your patience to comfort your heart.

Our hearts can only be cured from within.

You are your own doctor; prescribe to yourself the best medicine.

The emotions you are feeling are normal. Compare to mine, I think you are in peace. :D

Mac-salaam.

[Eeman]

salam alaikum,

dear sis, there is nothing that we can say that will bring peace to yout heart, im sure the thing that we have said or about to say are things that you already know,

sometimes i get amazed with things that come from the heart, when the heart is happy at peace life is a bliss put one little cut or stab and the whole world seems to collapse around you,

sis i cant say or sit here and try to ensure you and tell you that i know how it feels, cos no i dont and even if i had been through the same thing i still wouldnt be able to say that i know how it feels.

i know that i can sit here and write you essays and essays on end trying t give you re assurance and make you feel better but without as much success as i'd like, but then again being reminded about some things are always essentia and we hmans are in need of it especially when despair hits home, the pain is so immense that we forget everything else and once despair gets the best of us we are left hopeless.

dear sis its ok to be in despair and you know something its ok to e hurt and its also ok to be sad, but to some extent, these feelings and emotions that we have are for a reason if these feelings and emotions did not exist then how else woud we realise that we screwed up???

i'm really sorry to hear about your illness i can only try to imagine how a woman would feel knowing that she cannot give birth to her own child and imean put family pressure and everything else aside my worry is you!
sis you have to realise that there is nothing that you have done through your free will for this to happen this is what we call al qadr its Allah swt's will and this is th test tht He has set out for you in this dunya. it seems that your husband was understanding Mash'Allah which in a lot of cases believe me some brothers would never react that way and he tried everything to make you feel comeplete and a full woman since you felt that you was no longer complete.

yes iknow its hard when you are in so much pain physically and especially emotionally and you go through such a turmoil and no one else seems to understand and on top you feel guilty that you have let other people down.

but you have not let no one down!!! that you need to drum into your head sis, If Allah swt has written something for us there is nothing that we can do to undo that, but make loads of dua and bare the test and its hardships with patience.

it seems to me sis that you were the one that distanced your husband away from yourself, i know its not easy not to be bitter and grudgeful but maybe cos your imaan was not as strong you didnt handle it as well.

sometimes we humans can be very ungratful for the blessings that Allah swt bestows upon us and i am really sorry to say sis but it seems that you have been ungratful for having such an understanding and loving husband in this life.

you still being a life is a blessing in itself, sis how sure are you that you are ready and all packed up to head towards akhira???
dont you see that this is a wake up call for you? the factthat you have come to this realisation in itself is a wake up call, i understand what you have been through and its affects on you but do you not think that it has had affects on your husband too.

but never mind its never too late:)

dear sis i advice you to sit down and talk to your husband have a long chat and explain everything to him, i suggest that you pour everything and i mean every single thing that you have in your heart out to him and Insha'Allah you will see how much good it will do for both of you.

not having children is not the end of the world sis, come on we all know that, you have to start getting all that negativety out of you and start in fact force yourself to look at things positively, maybe you two could consider fostering.

sis can i tell you something personal? i myself since a young age have always wanted to adopt kids then i realised that adoption was not permitted in islam and fostering was, Alhumdullilah i have no problems in having my own children but to be honest with you even now i'd rather foster an orphan who has not seem or known or felt the love of a parent and had that blessing in his or her life than bring my own children in this world, saying that if its written then Insha'Allah i may have children of my own but i always thought that if i wanted t foster then i wouldnt have my own children in case it causes any form of inequality or favouritism towards them from me we are human after all. but one thing i know is that Insha'Allah i will definately foster:)

losing your job and it seeming like its the end of the world to you is only how you are perceiving it sis, i seriously suggest that you try your best to patch things up with your husband, if you have moved out and into another state i suggest you move back with him or to the same state as him, how is a marriage to work when you two are so far away, you have neglected you marriage its time for you to make it your number one priority again sis.

keep reading the Quran its the only cure and way to heal your heart and stay steadfast in salah and sis make LOADS of dua and i mean LOADSSSSSSSSS you can never make enough dua in this lifetime, dua is the weapon of the believer and also the ne thing that changes al qadr Insha'Allah.

I pray that Allah swt makes your imaan strong again and disposes all your affairs for you cos He is the only disposer of all our affairs. that He makes your hardships easy for you and gives you your reliefs cos after every hardship there is not onlyjust one relief sis but 2 reliefs so no matter how much you are going through Wallah once you get through this it'll all be worth it in the end.

wa salam.

[FatimaAsSideqah]

As Salaam Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu

^ Whoa *Blown away* good long post!

May Allah Taala reward you for help.

[Eeman]

walikum asalam Jazak'Allah khair sis,
i dunno its weird it brings so much peace to my heart just knowing that even if my words are meaningless and even if it takes half a day to wrte it, if that person feels better only for a second or even a smile appears on their face Wallah that is enough for me cos i know how it feels to have your world collapse around you.

need to do asr will be back Insha'Allah.

i'll make dua for everyone :)

ma salama

[cliffykat]

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I am the one who distanced myself from my husband. I also have kept myself away so that he can have the joy of a child of his own in his life. I do not want to reconcile with him because I do not feel that I can be the wife he needs. We still talk and are friends, but in my heart I know I am not to be his wife, that there is someone else out there who can add to his happiness in life that I can not do. I have found Hamza Yousef's lecture on suffering and am listening to it daily and I know God (SWT) sent the lecture to me in this time of neediness. I will continue to pray and ask God (SWT) and ask him for forgiveness. I pray that all of us will find our deens strong and that we can be what God (SWT) intends for us to be.

[Tania]

I know a couple where she can't have either children. They are happy and content and spoil the relatives children. Never have thought to divorce because they are good friends and can understand each other very well. At the end of the day counts if you have with whom to share your feelings.

[Eeman]

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I am the one who distanced myself from my husband. I also have kept myself away so that he can have the joy of a child of his own in his life. I do not want to reconcile with him because I do not feel that I can be the wife he needs. We still talk and are friends, but in my heart I know I am not to be his wife, that there is someone else out there who can add to his happiness in life that I can not do. I have found Hamza Yousef's lecture on suffering and am listening to it daily and I know God (SWT) sent the lecture to me in this time of neediness. I will continue to pray and ask God (SWT) and ask him for forgiveness. I pray that all of us will find our deens strong and that we can be what God (SWT) intends for us to be.

Dear sis forgive me if i am being out of line here, but is that not a selfish way of thinking?

i mean ok fair enough youcannot have kids but without actually sitting your husband down and talking to him probably how can you assume or make up your mind as to what is good for him?
has the brother been pressuring you and pointing his finger constantly t you that you are to blame cos you cannot have children? if that is the case then i understand.

my point is that in these sitautions in fact marriage as a whole communication is the key to everything, what if your husband through your ways and actions has the feeling that you dont want to be with him and is being so understandin and not pressuring you about all this cos of the ordeal you have been through with your health.

the only reason why i am saying this is cos i know hand in my heart, that if i loved my partner and cos of Allah's will we could not have children then that would never be a reason for me to leave them.

but to me it seems that you are not even giving him a chance i seriously would not be surprised if your husband still loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you with or without kids but your making it hard for him and upon yourself.

and why are you putting yourself through this? its like your making a unescessary sacrifice when you both can work around it and still be happy.

I dont know sis Allahu alam, but please do think about what i said and if i can make a huge request to you please just do this for the sake of Allah swt, please sit down with your husband one day and just sit there and pour your heart out to him and i mean what you feel deep inside your heart with assumptions and what you think is best aside, let your heart speak to him, and let his heart speak to you then whatever decision you both make pray is for the best Insha'Allah.

wa salam.

[roohani.doctor]

like sis Eeman said, you need to tell your husband how you feel and what you have been thru, ask him what he feels should be done instead of just assuming stuff and accepting it was meant to be...
i know a couple who couldn't have kids so they took in one of their relatives kid, and are now happy with her masha'allah, life doesn't always go the way we plan it but instead Alla plans it all out for us....hold on to your faith in Allah and remember Allah tests all of us in different ways...

[roohani.doctor]

like sis Eeman said, you need to tell your husband how you feel and what you have been thru, ask him what he feels should be done instead of just assuming stuff and accepting it was meant to be....
i know a couple who couldn't have kids so they took in one of their relatives kid, and are now happy with her masha'allah, life doesn't always go the way we plan it but instead Allah plans it all out for us....hold on to your faith in Allah and remember Allah tests all of us in different ways...

[coddles76]

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I am the one who distanced myself from my husband. I also have kept myself away so that he can have the joy of a child of his own in his life. I do not want to reconcile with him because I do not feel that I can be the wife he needs. We still talk and are friends, but in my heart I know I am not to be his wife, that there is someone else out there who can add to his happiness in life that I can not do. I have found Hamza Yousef's lecture on suffering and am listening to it daily and I know God (SWT) sent the lecture to me in this time of neediness. I will continue to pray and ask God (SWT) and ask him for forgiveness. I pray that all of us will find our deens strong and that we can be what God (SWT) intends for us to be.

Ameen InshAllah
It must be really difficult for you beyond what we could understand. The best thing we can do as your brothers and sisters is to make DUA for you. So what I suggest is that everyone get together and make DUA for our sister so InshAllah her trial could be lifted and replaced with something that is better. I will start :-

I pray that Allah SWT with his infinite power and mercy eases your hardship and replaced it with happiness and guidance until the day of judgement. I pray that Allah SWT keeps you strong in faith and grants you entry to the highest levels of Jannah InshAllah.
Ameen

[arabianprincess]

salam wa 3lykom

that is reallllly sad ... n subhan allah i mean after all this as ii said before its a test n u should thank allah for everything.. for the good n the bad .... n always remember i mean since u cant have kids u never know .. i mean subhan allah many ppl i know doctors were like yall cant have kids n then subhan allah they did... now

as someone said is there any way u can get back with ur husband.... im pretty sure he ll take u back he seems like a nice guy ,,,, n at this point u cant live alone... u need someone to help u out in life n thats is ur husband .. believe me... livin alone will only make u feel alone n sad... so think about it .. n u ll make it through inshallah... may allah help u out.. salamz

[Sahabiyaat]

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I am the one who distanced myself from my husband. I also have kept myself away so that he can have the joy of a child of his own in his life. I do not want to reconcile with him because I do not feel that I can be the wife he needs. We still talk and are friends, but in my heart I know I am not to be his wife, that there is someone else out there who can add to his happiness in life that I can not do. I have found Hamza Yousef's lecture on suffering and am listening to it daily and I know God (SWT) sent the lecture to me in this time of neediness. I will continue to pray and ask God (SWT) and ask him for forgiveness. I pray that all of us will find our deens strong and that we can be what God (SWT) intends for us to be.

:sl:

Just as an example my sister has a friend who has an elder sister who is married to a man recently found to be infertile/impotent, whatever you want to call it.

and they live pretty much happily.

now just reverse the situation, where like yourself the woman cannot concieve, and you have your situation.

the impotent husband did not break down and say, "i feel so sorry for you darling because you cant have children because of me, so please leave me,and get married". *rolls eyes*#

the man doesnt seem to give a toss that his wife will never experience the joy of motherhood, and besides, if she were to leave him becuase of his condition, she wouldnt hear the last of it from everyone.


It just makes you wonder why the 2 situations are so different...........