Advice Please intercultural stress!!

[Brotha]

Asalaamu Alaykum,

I have a bit of a situation. I know a girl from school/work and we are close friends. She was the person who gained my unbiased respect and guided me to Islam, Formerly i was a and completley ignorant about Islam. Just like 95% of all non-muslims are. Anyways we became very close and dated for about 1-1/2 years.. Our relationship was always a secret because of our differing ethnicities. We stopped going out alone and had a halal relationship after my conversion, which I had no problem with thanx to my renewed faith.. My problem is that she is completley terrified to approach her mother about me. Her father passed away some time ago and her older brother is attednding post-secondary school out of the country. Her family is not emotionally stable according to her, and she feels obligated to comply with her mothers expectations and marry within her own culture(Lebanese). We all know how much a mother looks forward to her only daughters wedding. We love eachother and she says if only i was Lebanese we would be engaged by now since I have all the qualities her mother wants, except for the fact I am east African..

So should I respect her concerns ? Am I outta line to want to contact her brother or mother? I dont think i could walk away from this girl without ever trying to meet her family .. Any suggestions to help her gain some confidence??

[ayan333]

:sl:

wow...not suprised..this is the siutation of many

hopefuly some one of knoweldge can give you some advise InshALLAH

:w:

[qassy!]

im not gonna lie bruv, dont apprach her. I mean its a race issue here, nothing you can do. Dont make her mum more upset

[MT2]

I disagree with Qassy, do approach the mother. You never know, she might turn out to like you. If you have all the qualities the mother is looking for in her daughter's future husband except one, she might overlook it. Besides, is the mother religious? I find that religious people don't bother about ethnicity that much. So go for it.

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[qassy!]

I disagree with Qassy, do approach the mother. You never know, she might turn out to like you. If you have all the qualities the mother is looking for in her daughter's future husband except one, she might overlook it. Besides, is the mother religious? I find that religious people don't bother about ethnicity that much. So go for it.

Well inshallah everything goes well....

[MT2]

Well inshallah everything goes well....

Yes- Insha'Allah only the best will happen

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Brotha; welcome to the forum,

If you were to marry it would be a struggle for both of you, there are still many people today who discriminate. While you feel you can both cope because of your love for each other, you can anticipate that it could cause problems for any children you might have in the future.

Nothing worth while happens without prayer.

In the spirit of praying for intercultural understanding and friendship

Eric

[جوري]

a woman in Islam has the right to choose her own husband
Al-Khansaa’ bint Khidaam complained to the Prophet that her father wanted her to marry someone she didn’t want, saying “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.” The Prophet said, “Then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” Al-Khansaa’ said, “I have actually accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters” (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fath Al-Barî Ibn Hajr, Sunan Ibn Mâjah)

if you want to marry her and she wants you, I don't see what culture has to do with it..

:w:

[coddles76]

Asalaamu Alaykum,

I have a bit of a situation. I know a girl from school/work and we are close friends. She was the person who gained my unbiased respect and guided me to Islam, Formerly i was a and completley ignorant about Islam. Just like 95% of all non-muslims are. Anyways we became very close and dated for about 1-1/2 years.. Our relationship was always a secret because of our differing ethnicities. We stopped going out alone and had a halal relationship after my conversion, which I had no problem with thanx to my renewed faith.. My problem is that she is completley terrified to approach her mother about me. Her father passed away some time ago and her older brother is attednding post-secondary school out of the country. Her family is not emotionally stable according to her, and she feels obligated to comply with her mothers expectations and marry within her own culture(Lebanese). We all know how much a mother looks forward to her only daughters wedding. We love eachother and she says if only i was Lebanese we would be engaged by now since I have all the qualities her mother wants, except for the fact I am east African..

So should I respect her concerns ? Am I outta line to want to contact her brother or mother? I dont think i could walk away from this girl without ever trying to meet her family .. Any suggestions to help her gain some confidence??

Wa Alykum Asalam brother,

Approach marriage in a manner that pleases Allah SWT. Seek halal means and pray that Allah SWT will guide you into the right decisions and if it is good for you that make it successful for you but if it isn't then turn you away from it and replace it with something that is better.
My Advice is approach her family in the correct manner and have you parents contact her parents and then seek a appoinment to come visit them and ask for her hand in marriage.
And Allah SWT knows best

[Brotha]

thnx for the advice all your opinions seem well inspired.. patience and pleasing Allah(swt) is what I feel my situation is calling for.. I year left to complete my degree, maybe it would be best to wait till I am finished school. Even tho I am finacially independent as it stands

[Thinker]

Asalaamu Alaykum,

I have a bit of a situation. I know a girl from school/work and we are close friends. She was the person who gained my unbiased respect and guided me to Islam, Formerly i was a and completley ignorant about Islam. Just like 95% of all non-muslims are. Anyways we became very close and dated for about 1-1/2 years.. Our relationship was always a secret because of our differing ethnicities. We stopped going out alone and had a halal relationship after my conversion, which I had no problem with thanx to my renewed faith.. My problem is that she is completley terrified to approach her mother about me. Her father passed away some time ago and her older brother is attednding post-secondary school out of the country. Her family is not emotionally stable according to her, and she feels obligated to comply with her mothers expectations and marry within her own culture(Lebanese). We all know how much a mother looks forward to her only daughters wedding. We love eachother and she says if only i was Lebanese we would be engaged by now since I have all the qualities her mother wants, except for the fact I am east African..

So should I respect her concerns ? Am I outta line to want to contact her brother or mother? I dont think i could walk away from this girl without ever trying to meet her family .. Any suggestions to help her gain some confidence??

Here’s another example of why non Muslims in the UK feel ill ay ease with the Muslim community. Of course you’re going to tell me that things like marrying outside your race and female circumcism are cultural and nothing to do with Islam. The problem is, like many things, it is widely accepted in the Muslim communities; not only do they not integrate with non Muslims, they don’t even integrate with Muslims outside their race.

In this young mans case you say come join us, convert to Islam become a part of the ummah, we’re on one big family (but you can’t marry my daughter).

[north_malaysian]

I find that religious people don't bother about ethnicity that much.

It's true..religious people dont bother about ethnicity, cultural and lingual differences at all...

[ummzayd]

Here’s another example of why non Muslims in the UK feel ill ay ease with the Muslim community. Of course you’re going to tell me that things like marrying outside your race and female circumcism are cultural and nothing to do with Islam. The problem is, like many things, it is widely accepted in the Muslim communities; not only do they not integrate with non Muslims, they don’t even integrate with Muslims outside their race.

In this young mans case you say come join us, convert to Islam become a part of the ummah, we’re on one bug family (but you can’t marry my daughter).

here's another example of why you can't generalise and point the finger at one particular group ONLY - I do know of a family who are really devoted Christians and preach brotherly love till the cows come home but who went ballistic when their daughter showed a little interest in a black man from their congregation.

You are surely not implying that racism is a peculiarly Muslim characteristic? Because that would be extraordinary.

peace

[Thinker]

here's another example of why you can't generalise and point the finger at one particular group ONLY - I do know of a family who are really devoted Christians and preach brotherly love till the cows come home but who went ballistic when their daughter showed a little interest in a black man from their congregation.

You are surely not implying that racism is a peculiarly Muslim characteristic? Because that would be extraordinary.

peace

Of course not but I think it is about scale -
if you lined up 1000 ethnic British parents and asked them if they would be happy if their son or daughter chose to mary someone who was not ethnically a Brit you would get 'x' ;
if you lined up 1000 Pakistanis parents and asked them if they would be happy if their son or daughter chose to mary someone who not ethnically a Pakistani you would get 'y'

Question - what is the value of x and what is the vakue of y

[Fazl Ahmad]

Choosing who your children marries is your own personal preference. If you dont want your son or daughter to marry a British person, or a Pakistani person, etc., that is your choice and you are entitled to it. Why is it a big deal?

[Thinker]

Asalaamu Alaykum,

I have a bit of a situation. I know a girl from school/work and we are close friends. She was the person who gained my unbiased respect and guided me to Islam, Formerly i was a and completley ignorant about Islam. Just like 95% of all non-muslims are. Anyways we became very close and dated for about 1-1/2 years.. Our relationship was always a secret because of our differing ethnicities. We stopped going out alone and had a halal relationship after my conversion, which I had no problem with thanx to my renewed faith.. My problem is that she is completley terrified to approach her mother about me. Her father passed away some time ago and her older brother is attednding post-secondary school out of the country. Her family is not emotionally stable according to her, and she feels obligated to comply with her mothers expectations and marry within her own culture(Lebanese). We all know how much a mother looks forward to her only daughters wedding. We love eachother and she says if only i was Lebanese we would be engaged by now since I have all the qualities her mother wants, except for the fact I am east African..

So should I respect her concerns ? Am I outta line to want to contact her brother or mother? I dont think i could walk away from this girl without ever trying to meet her family .. Any suggestions to help her gain some confidence??

Here’s my advice (which you should probably ignore as I am neither Muslim nor ethnically close to either of you).

Why not go to the Imam of the local Mosque discus with him the diverse ethnicity and religious persuasion of Mohammed’s wives and ask him to approach the girl’s mother and inform her that she is being un-Islamic by insisting that her children marry only within their own ethnic group.

[Sharif]

1.
Find a married couple whom you would admire/respect (who had a similar situation---convert brother and a sister) -- ask them for advice. They've gone through it. Do not ASSume. Ask!

The way you see her now, will surely change after you get married. It just will. Come to terms with that and see if you are okay with it.

Ask a brutal question: is it infatuation or is it love? It's difficult, but see the situation from a third party's point-of-view.

If you were to shoot straight for jannat al-firdaus and you are committed to settle for nothing less, would she help you go there? Really?

Once you take a hard look at that and get advice from the couples, make a decision. Pray istikhaarah.

And then be a man!