taking steps forward...but

[contemplating]

asalamu-alaikum,

alhamdu-lillah im pleased that ive come across this forum. been searching for one for a while, one that i felt comfortable posting in. would appreciate any replies. i guess i just feel i need to let a few things out. im 25....and though i dont believe in dwelling on the past i cant help but feel dissapointed in myself for being in the situation i am. i have a bit of debt, which i accumulated whilst studying in uni......credit cards etc and a loan for my sister in my name, which she isn't in a position to clear it and its been 6 or 7 years since i got it out for her. im looking for a job (when i say im looking, i do mean that i am looking) but i lack confidence, if im honest i look for reasons why i cant apply to the vacancies i see......i so badly need a job so that i can clear my debt and my sisters which is my name......i feel so strongly about clearing it...i know now that i had started doing something (getting credit cards) which is obviously forbidden.....and i guess i can say that ive honestly learnt a lesson...... may Allah forgive for getting myself in this situation.

i started wearing the jilbab about 2 weeks ago.......alhamdulillah i feel good about that.......i had been thinking about it for years now......and i finally acted. i really didt want to be one of those who 'yo-yo'd' . i have no reservations about it, alhamdulillah (i guess that is my step forward)..........i have other things on my mind which i want to write here but i'm worried there will be no one to read it. if someone is willing to listen to me, and insha-allah with the intention to provide advice please let me know.

i know where i have gone wrong and where i still need improvement...and especially in a particular area (my relationship with my mum) which needs immediate attention. i did actualy seek counceling from a sister in a neighbouring town.....but it seems the distance i have to travel is proving to be difficult.....ive been given the number of her male collegue who provides councel in my town.....but am a bit hesitant to go to him......long story but.....i actualy approached him good couple of years back, went to one session......but because i was in tears and couldnt speak because i was crying the whole session.....i didnt go again......masha-allah he is a good brother and holds lectures in my town regularly but because his base is in a local youth centre (frequented by brothers).....i feel a bit....well.....hesitant to go to it......oh i dont know.

i feel like ive got so much on my mind...i feel like i have mentaly and physically blocked myself from doing things that i need to do...

sorry......im going on and on.....

ws

[Nájlá]

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