Mother or Husband?

[Girl86]

Salaam,

I am engaged to some1 since 3 years.... first we had dis mutual decision that he will live here in uk with me and my mother (as my mother got no one except me.... My dad got another wife and he lives abroad.... comes to us once in six months or more.... ) now my fiancee says that he won't live in uk or keep my mom with us either in uk or pakistan..... i dont knw wat to do.....my mom says to me not to worry abt her and get on with relationship.... but i can't leave her alone.... i dnt know wat to do????? plz help me

[Na7lah]

Thread Approved

[coddles76]

Salaam,

I am engaged to some1 since 3 years.... first we had dis mutual decision that he will live here in uk with me and my mother (as my mother got no one except me.... My dad got another wife and he lives abroad.... comes to us once in six months or more.... ) now my fiancee says that he won't live in uk or keep my mom with us either in uk or pakistan..... i dont knw wat to do.....my mom says to me not to worry abt her and get on with relationship.... but i can't leave her alone.... i dnt know wat to do????? plz help me

Wa Alykum Asalam,

Very Hard situation Sister cause you know your Future husband will be important to you and your Mother is also very important to you. InshAllah the best Advice I can give is to educate your husband on how important your Mother is to you and your loyalty towards her in regards to islam. Also at the same time you can educate your mother on how important your husband will be to you once your married (If they don't already know that is) then INshAllah Allah SWT will find a solution for you and gain an understanding from both sides on how difficult it would be for you as a person in the centre.
I pray that Allah SWT will work out a way for you.

[Sanam]

Asalaamualaikum my beloved sister in Islam!

its sad to know that brothers sometimes can end up changing their mind. sister you're not yet married to the brother, and remember being married does not mean that we Muslims can overlook our duties towards our parents. now I can see that its really hard for a woman because she is stuck in between 2 commandments of Allah (swt) so the best thing is that she cooperates with them both and finds a middle way, and for you the middle way is that, that you try educating your finance about you're duty towards you're mother, see when Allah subhanah says that we must look after our parents when they reach their old age, he doesn't say it only applies to men, so its a general commandment for both men and women.

I know its going to be hard for you to read my advice and u might not even find it effective or helpful, but my advice is: "is the guy forth your struggle and time if he has no respect for you're feelings and duties towards your mother?" would it do justice if you had said the same about his mother? sister speak to him if he doesn't agree upon your duty towards your mother, ask him if he can leave his mother forever for you? if he still insists that he doesn't want your mother, then think again, your mother is the woman who brought u up with hardship, your mother is the woman who's mahram lives away from her for month leaving her with no support or help, your mother is the woman who is overlooking her future for the happiness of her daughter and advicing her daughter to concentrate on her relationship. sister I would say, Engagement is not marriage, engagement is a platform where you'd know if the potential partner is happy to take you with full package, if he's not then I don't think he's worth your second thought, I'm really sorry I know it sounds harsh and perhaps you're attatched to him as well, but he is not your husband yet you do not have to obey him sister, would you want to obey a man who doesn't want your mother? please talk to him and see what he says try convincing him for some time and if nothing works the best thing for you is not to marry a man who shows no interest in your family.

I'm really sorry if I've hurt you sister, but I've advised you from my sincere heart and sincere well wishing for my sister in Islam.

your sister in Islam!

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[SixTen]

I'd say, your mother should get priority here - especially since their was a mutual agreement. You should convince your husband, what arguements is he using? Exactly how is he resolving the issue of your mother, is he like "let her live alone" or what? Because that isn't cool at all.

[papa_smurf]

:sl:
Why would you want to move to pakistan?? It's understandable if your other half wants to, but surely you wouldn't want to. Convince your guy that you want to stay with mummy. He will come to terms if he really loves you. :)
:w:

[Sanam]

:sl:
Why would you want to move to pakistan?? :

so many people actually move to pakistan for the luxurious life (if they can afford it) and I personally know many people who'd hate to move to United Kingdom :)

[islamirama]

wa'alaikum as'salaam,

if you are engaged then that means nikkah has not happened yet and you are not married. If the engagement was made on a mutual agreement of your mother living with you and now he changed his mind, then his person that breaks agreements/treaties. He is a hypocrite or has one of the characteristics of a hypocrite. In Islam, a person is hypocrite if he does 4 things, one of which is breaking promises.

If he is being like this now, what kind of behavior and treatment can you expect from him after marriage? He maybe thinking he can have his way since you have no real mahram to look after your interests and protection. Your first duty and priority is to mother. He maybe a prospect but he still is a non-mahram and a stranger. You can try talking some sense into him but if he doesn't listen then my advice would be to dump him and inshallah Allah will find someone better for you.

As for your dad he needs to fear Allah. How can he take a 2nd wife when he is failing miserably in fulfilling his responsbility to his first wife. He needs to fear the punishment of Allah for neglecting the rights of the first wife.

Anyways, contact the person I gave you email addy of for some professional advice in this matter.

[Sanam]

brother Islamirama I know its an irrelevant question but I don't understand ur signature! any help????

[Ummu Sufyaan]

:sl:
id stick to my mum inshallah...if your the only one who can help her, then ur mum all the way...deffo! theres plenty of fish in the sea, inshallah :thumbs_up

maybe if there was someone else there, then yeah go ahead wiv it, but nah your mum i reckon :)

[BNDGR]

Wa alaikum salam sister,
I truly hope Allah will help you to find your answer. This is a tough situation, but like another poster said you are not married yet and he made a commitment to you about your Mother and he should honor that, isn't that what Islam teaches to honor your commitments and to honor and take care of your parents?? I feel certain he would not leave his Mother by herself like that all on her own, so why should you.

[جوري]

it seems terribly unfair of him to place you in a situation where you have to choose between your mother or him.. it is actually not your doing, it is his...
Marriage is about compromise, mutual respect, satisfying needs, and I don't mean eat sleep and procreate. I mean the day to day needs.. there should be comfort in a marriage..
isn't' that the reason Allah swt states 'mawada and ra7ma' in the Quran?

Your mother is brave, and really selfless to want you to move on with your life -- she shared more than a womb with you for where has your father been all these years and how long have you known your husband to be?

I don't tend to take sides in any situation given I don't understand the needs of all parties. But this is rather easy, your mother, then your mother then your mother!

and Allah knows best

:w:

[Lonely Gal]

A mother is very important and I believe no husband should put u in this situation. Once your married your parents should be as important to him as his own.. Especially as your mom has no1 else I think it is more important to stay with her.. Why is ur husband against this now? What has changed?

[Snowflake]

asalam alaikum



Fulfilling promises and vows are very important in Islam. According to the Islamic belief a man, or woman, is only as good as their word. Keeping promises to another person is what separates the believer from the hypocrites.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: 'There are four (characteristics), whoever has them is a hypocrite, and whoever has one of the four has a characteristic of hypocrisy unless he gives it up: when he speaks, he lies; when he makes a promise he breaks it; when he makes a pledge he betrays it; and when he disputes he resorts to foul language.' (Bukhari, Muslim).

[youngsister]

:sl:

If he is being like this now, what kind of behavior and treatment can you expect from him after marriage? He maybe thinking he can have his way since you have no real mahram to look after your interests and protection. Your first duty and priority is to mother. He maybe a prospect but he still is a non-mahram and a stranger. You can try talking some sense into him but if he doesn't listen then my advice would be to dump him and inshallah Allah will find someone better for you.

As for your dad, he needs to be slapped (hard) and told to fear Allah. How can he take a 2nd wife when he is failing miserably in fulfilling his responsbility to his first wife. He needs to fear the punishment of Allah for neglecting the rights of the first wife.

:thumbs_up:thumbs_up:thumbs_up:thumbs_up

Totally agree subxanallah sister he is not your husband, your priority is your mother..Of course she is going to say that everything is fine and to move thats what mothers do (well not mine she would have told him where to go) but your mother cares about your happyness.

Why would you marry someone that seems to have little respect for the woman that gave birth to you. Subxanallah!

[Girl86]

salaam to all

thank u all for ur sincere answers and i understand now that theres no point arguing abt this matter.... i'll tell him straightaway that i can't leave my mother on her own.

some of u has asked why has he changed...... the reason hez telling me is that he doesn't like UK so v will have to live in pakistan (me and my mother have no objection on that at all) but he says that he cant keep my mother in his house as people will start talking moreover his mother said to him that a girl HAVE to leave her family in any condition thats the custom.

i understand that a girl have to leave her parental house but wen derz no one else to look after her parents den wat shd she do??? leave them alone to suffer and have fun herself???? my fiancee has 4 sisters and 1 brother. His sis-in-law is there in house with my parents-in-law and they have their daughter's kids with them too as their dauhter is no more..... so they are not alone as my mother is..... and his father said to my mother that my son will live with u and look after u as a son.... but my fiancee and his mother don't tell anything to my father-in-law.

it really is a tough situation. :X:X:X:X

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alaykum us-salaam

salaam to all
some of u has asked why has he changed...... the reason hez telling me is that he doesn't like UK so v will have to live in pakistan (me and my mother have no objection on that at all) but he says that he cant keep my mother in his house as people will start talking moreover his mother said to him that a girl HAVE to leave her family in any condition thats the custom.

sis, custom or no stinkin custom, it dosnt make it right! :rollseyes subhanallah some brothers are so strict when it comes to thier families, but when it comes to the girls, her fam is like nothing :rollseyes just a general rant...not directed at anyone :hiding:
shes the only one youve got sis! :)

i understand that a girl have to leave her parental house but wen derz no one else to look after her parents den wat shd she do??? leave them alone to suffer and have fun herself????

NO!:D

it really is a tough situation. :X:X:X:X

just be paitent sis...but nah...if u want my honest opinion, your ma i say:D

[youngsister]

salaam to all

thank u all for ur sincere answers and i understand now that theres no point arguing abt this matter.... i'll tell him straightaway that i can't leave my mother on her own.

some of u has asked why has he changed...... the reason hez telling me is that he doesn't like UK so v will have to live in pakistan (me and my mother have no objection on that at all) but he says that he cant keep my mother in his house as people will start talking moreover his mother said to him that a girl HAVE to leave her family in any condition thats the custom.

i understand that a girl have to leave her parental house but wen derz no one else to look after her parents den wat shd she do??? leave them alone to suffer and have fun herself???? my fiancee has 4 sisters and 1 brother. His sis-in-law is there in house with my parents-in-law and they have their daughter's kids with them too as their dauhter is no more..... so they are not alone as my mother is..... and his father said to my mother that my son will live with u and look after u as a son.... but my fiancee and his mother don't tell anything to my father-in-law.

it really is a tough situation. :X:X:X:X

Custom..tradition..look at this from an islamic point of view sis!

It sounds as if they are thinking about their own self so you got to step up and think about your mother cmon sis.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

my honest advice is to not go marrying jerks


things never work out when you do

[Thinker]

:sl:
Why would you want to move to pakistan??

Why take a man from Pakistan as your husband if you wouldn't live with him in his home country??

['Abd-al Latif]

Salaam,

I am engaged to some1 since 3 years.... first we had dis mutual decision that he will live here in uk with me and my mother (as my mother got no one except me.... My dad got another wife and he lives abroad.... comes to us once in six months or more.... ) now my fiancee says that he won't live in uk or keep my mom with us either in uk or pakistan..... i dont knw wat to do.....my mom says to me not to worry abt her and get on with relationship.... but i can't leave her alone.... i dnt know wat to do????? plz help me

My advice, from what you have said, leave this man. You can find a better husband who would never think of putting you in such a situation. How will he or you uphold the ties of kinship if this is his response now? Or can this man replace the love and care of your mother? How easy it is for him to disregard your mother when she bore you in weakness and hardship!


Allah says:

"And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, not shout at them, but address them in terms of honour. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small.'" [al-Isra’ 17:23-24]

Allah also says:

"And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years – give thanks to Me and to your parents, - unto Me is the final destination. [Luqmaan 31:14].



Abu Hurayrah (r) Reported: "A man came to the Prophet (saaws) and said: ‘O Messenger of Allah, who among the people is most deserving of my good companionship?’ He said, ‘Your mother.’ He asked, ‘Then whom?’ He said, ‘Your mother.’ He asked, ‘Then whom?’ He said, ‘Your mother.’ He asked, ‘Then whom?’ He said, ‘Then your father.’”
(Reported by al-Bukhaari, 4/13, and Muslim, 2548).


Being dutiful to your mother is not an option, it's an obligation. So this decision should be easy to make.

[al Amaanah]

theres no one like ummi.

:w:

[Amatullah_]

Assalaamu Alaykum

Hey sis, as harsh as it may sound...this guy isnt worth it.

Forget the custom rubbish..it only makes life more difficult to live with.

Marriage isnt a piece of cake especially if you have to leave your family and move in with his abroad. Thats one HUGE sacrifice your gonna have to make especially if you have to leave your darling mother back behind considering the situation she's in. Your concious will drive you nuts, girl! He's being selfish only thinking about himself and 'what people will say.' What about what you think??? You're suppose to be more important to him than 'other people.' He shouldnt be placing you in a situation where you have to choose between him or your mom. Thats CRUEL!!!! And as a future 'son-in-law' he's suppose to be showing kindness and respect for your mom...where is all that?

Deal it out now..b/cus you dont wanna marry and move away and keep all this in your heart. It'll turn you against your husband.

If I were you girl..i'd stick with mommy even if she says to go.. b/cus she's more important to you right now. If you cant find a reasonable solution with your fiance...then move on..there's more fish in the sea and you'll catch one who will understand your bond with your mom and will be caring inshaAllah. Why not marry someone who lives in the same country as you and your mom??????

By the way..this thread should be called 'Mother or Fiance' b/cus if he was your husband we'd be giving a totally different advice...but he isnt.

[ayan333]

:sl:


tougthy huh?


Mother al the way..hands down...Jannah is under the feet of your Mother...i myself need to start reminding myself that

:w:

[Eeman]

im really sorry to have to say this but im gonna be real frank sis... talk to him if he carries on leave him cos i sure wouldnt wanna be with a person like that...
there are plenty of fish in the sea.. by not marrying him it does not mean that you wont ever get married but there are not plenty of mothers in the sea you get one mother, who struggles **** HARD in life for her kids and for you to leave her for a guy... then im sorry. thats just sad.

maybe this is a test Allah swt is testing you with to see who you prioritise the guy isnt your husband just fiance. your mother is YOUR MOTHER!

wa salam yet again forgive me for being frank:)

[doorster]

I wonder how many of these "advisers" would actually themselves be willing to or are living with their mothers in-law?

as for pronouncing someone a monaafiq based on a few lines posted on a forum is just beyond(my) belief. For all anyone knows the man may have a mother of his own, if he does then should he abandon her and go to England to look after someone else's mom?

[doorster]

:sl:


tougthy huh?


Mother al the way..hands down...Jannah is under the feet of your Mother...i myself need to start reminding myself that

:w:

wa alaikum salaam

...Jannah is under the feet of your Mother...

is this a hadees? if so which book or collection is it from?

thank you

:w:

[Tania]

I wonder how many of these "advisers" would actually themselves be willing to or are living with their mothers in-law?

If he is not ready to leave his mom then why did he expect she to leave her mom :? Each child has the duty to look after her/his parents.

[doorster]

If he is not ready to leave his mom then why did he expect she to leave her mom :? Each child has the duty to look after her/his parents.

I was commenting at all the assumptions being made and at all the selfrightous who were issuing decrees against the poor man (the fiancé) as well as her father.

since you were all making assumption, I should also be allowed to defend someone from being back bitten since he is not here to tell his side.

anyway was you there when he made promises?
under what rules is he obliged to leave his homeland and family?

to go back to an earlier fatwah, on previous page, regarding her father's second marriage; how do these net-mullahs know that the couple are not divorced? or it was not the lady who initiated the split?

I've come across quite a few ladies who refuse to set foot in Pakistan once they have visited England, they just do not compromise regardless of the circumstances of husband.

I also know quite a few people who have high status in Pakistan society but if they decide to move to England to please their spouses, will only be fit to clean hospitals or ferry drunks to and from pubs in minicabs for at least 4/5 years before they are able to convince the authorities of their qualification for something better


finally, all mothers regardless of whose mothers they are, deserve same consideration