Molested

[Fareedio]

Assalamu alaikum,

I am in a very distressing situation in which is driving me crazy, To begin with I have been molested as a child by my dad and whilst growing up my dad has tried getting rid of me after molesting me, it had not really affected me until I reached the age of puberty as my dad started talking to me about how people get gang raped and started making SOME stories....I felt he tried to brain washing me.

The problem that I am facing is that I am still living with my dad and have 36 days left with him as I am moving out. Will it be sinful for me to turn my face and never to talk him or my family again as they weren’t there when I desperately needed them.

My mum knows the situation and says she cares yet she still lives with him and acts like she loves him and she covers him up which by living with him......its my word against my family who are people going to believe IF i HAD to say something i cant trust anyone anymore? My dad used to hit her and tried sending me abroad to get rid of me in my childhood. I feel almost as my mums part of it as she still lives with him. For 6 years I have asked her repeatedly why she is living with a man that has abused me and physically abused her in the past.....she replies saying... “theres not much I could have done, this is why Ive been trying to get you a good qualification!” but this does not make any sense to me in WHY She still lives with him, its like shes not getting around to the main reason....she does love me for a fact, but I cant take this no more, because of this I don’t want to get married until this is out of my head but this life I have lived is a disturbing life and the only reason why I have lived and not ran away from home because I just wanted to get a qualification as soon as possible to go uni.... also because I had been confused and love my mother.

It has come to a point that love can be torn away because sometimes I cant sleep as the disturbing stories that my dad used to tell me few years ago has affected me also the fact that he molested me, I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO......can I Turn my face on my family and never go back and loose contact for ever or stay in touch with my mum?, I personally don’t want to as she seems to have her decision about staying with a man who is disturbingly unmerciful.

I am a man who is Fearful of ALLAH, i don’t want to do something wrong which may take me to hell, imagin if my mum goes insane or something if she never see’s me again?


This is affecting my fasting and namaz as sometimes I rather miss them than facing my dad as I may have to go past him to do wudu or eat in the morning! Most importantly this has already ruined my LIFE so far! :enough!: :cry: :raging:

[IB-Staff]

Thread Moved.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

Assalamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullaah

its after posts like these im so grateful that we have islaam, bro we have a day of judgement, any injustices you have suffered at the hands of any person of this dunya will be metted out on the day of judgement. Alhamdulillaah you have persevered to the point where you can leave him.

if i was you i would still keep good relations with my mother and see her often/phone her... she sounds like a special lady whos doing her utmost to have pacience, please dont abandon her. Continue to invite her to live with you, if your father is still abusive she shouldnt be around him... this might cause him to stink and maybe even stop his abusive ways.


bro always make dua', thats the key to every problem, ask Allaah to show you whats right all the time.


Allah is aware of every situation and every distressing moment, on the day of judgement you will see true justice inshaAllaah.

Assalamu Alaikum :)

[Lonely Gal]

Although it seems your mum is not helping and she is with your dad, that is not always the case,, not sure about how your parents are but sometimes the mothers become helpless no matter how serious the issue is. Im sure your mum is feelin more pain than u think but is stuck and got no where to turn to. Try not being angry towards your mum, keep in touch with you, mothers are very special and you don't wana lose dat..

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[Snowflake]

SubhanAllah! :cry:

Brother, I want you to know I'm very pained by your post and I want you to know that you are not alone and you can get over this awful experience inshaAllah.. Your father transgressed the limits set by Allah subhana wa ta'ala and unfortunately your mother sided with him. I'm sorry but that is something I will never understand.

I don't know the majority opinion but a scholar told me that when a father sexually abuses a child, his marriage to the child's mother is automatically invalidated. Such is the seriousness of this matter.

No doubt, parents have a high status and rights in Islam but when they transgress, they lose those rights. You can remove yourself from their house without any guilt. Keep in touch with your mother.

Please, please don't keep your pain bottled up. Please talk to me if you feel you have to. InshaAllah, this hasn't ruined your life.


a concerned sis,

asalam alaikum.

[جوري]

There is a reason why there is law, and there is psychiatry..
This issue is far deeper than this forum.. this is a man in a position of trust and power that has abused it.. there is also the fact that he is your dad and blood tied to you that makes it quite unbearable.. people often have very strong emotions toward their abusers.. and they are not feelings that can be defined into words or broken down merely hatred, anger, resentment and vulnerability even as identified with the abuser as to shield his ego from his own crimes.. how complicated it is to have your trust betrayed by a caregiver?.. who on some level loves you but with a sickness-- you'll never be able to handle this until you face it!

Your father has to pay for his crimes akhi.. it doesn't matter who is going to take his side or.. do you think most abuse victims have physical evidence of crimes committed against them? Most are in therapy for years with repressed memories that come out during sessions..

You need to heal from this.. and healing never comes by covering a wound up, putting a band-aid on it, avoiding looking at it.. you need to get to the cause of it and excise it.
Even if your father is remorseful now, he still has to pay for his crimes.. he has to also understand why he committed them.. your mother has to deal with the fact that she is dependent, allowed herself to be abused and worst off let you pay for her meekness...
and you have to learn to accept what happened, feel satisfied with the outcome so you can move on with your life..

abuse victims almost always end up falling in some bad pattern themselves -- it doesn't matter what form, it just tears them up..

This isn't going to be easy akhi, the road to recovery is always painful but you must take that first step.

You have alert the authorities to this and you must seek the help of a professional.
If you are in NY, I can give you the contact to a Muslim psychiatrist..
I do understand that this is all too much..
but you have to understand that it is never the place or the people that rouse the feeling in you of wanting to run away.. it is you.. you take yourself everywhere.. and you will carry this with you every where, thus you must unload this burden..

I know this is probably too much to handle at once.. but it makes me furious to know people like your father walk free.. I hope you'll reflect on this and know just know, you are not alone.. some of my close friends have been molested, a dear brother of mine was molested by his Quran teacher if you can believe it..

I don't know why some people have a sickness in them and abuse their position and power, whether they are parents or clergy, most likely they need to climb into that safe place where they can practice their sickness un-threatened so they can keep doing it and doing it .. I do know that Allah SWT has set guidelines for us in earthly justice-- and justice needs to be dispensed..

Pls keep steadfast in fast and prayer for now, for truly in that does mankind find rest..

Allah knows best

:w:

[Thinker]

Hi,

I see that you are in the UK. There are telephone support lines that offer anonymous, over the phone advice and guidance. If you report it, the system will kick into place and that includes different types of agencies coming in to do what they do and what that consists of depends upon your age which is used to determine your vulnerability.

Try Childline Tel: 0800 1111 – I know you might not be a child but they’ll be able to give you options.

[Fareedio]

I understand what everyone is saying about my mother, and do understand what skye is saying that its in me and not in my house (the anger and pain)....but i dont know if ill be ok if move out if it will be stuck with me, the reason why its bothering me at the moment is because im stuck with my Dad......I see what your saying about psychiatrist too but, if i repeatedly talk about it i fink it would be worse,

But if i move out and im still suffering, i will consider it skye and your post was helpful! :( i feel like my mum cant be trusted in a certain way but i guess ill try ignore what has happened and look at her intensions! Ill keep in touch with her...

I dunno if i can live with my mum tho if she left my Dad when old, if i had a family then how is she going to help them if she couldnt even help her own child when needed, i beleive we all are here for each other as well as ibadha. It is pointless not helping someone if one can do so?

thank you very much for replying to this ill have a deep think as its pretty scary and hard about what i will do and inshalla post back!

[Hamayun]

Brother I am probably not qualified to give you advice but if I was you I would make sure justice was served.

Incest + child abuse are 2 extremely serious sins/crimes. I don't think turning your back on it is the solution. Face up to it and seek justice.

If you are in the UK Mashallah there is so much support for people like you who have suffered at the hands of sick and perverted people.

Seek advice from an organisation that deals with child abuse. Don't let it ruin your life more than it already has.

Allah will do justice with your tormentor sooner of later Inshallah.

[جوري]

I understand what everyone is saying about my mother, and do understand what skye is saying that its in me and not in my house (the anger and pain)....but i dont know if ill be ok if move out if it will be stuck with me, the reason why its bothering me at the moment is because im stuck with my Dad......I see what your saying about psychiatrist too but, if i repeatedly talk about it i fink it would be worse,

But if i move out and im still suffering, i will consider it skye and your post was helpful! :( i feel like my mum cant be trusted in a certain way but i guess ill try ignore what has happened and look at her intensions! Ill keep in touch with her...

I dunno if i can live with my mum tho if she left my Dad when old, if i had a family then how is she going to help them if she couldnt even help her own child when needed, i beleive we all are here for each other as well as ibadha. It is pointless not helping someone if one can do so?

thank you very much for replying to this ill have a deep think as its pretty scary and hard about what i will do and inshalla post back!

:sl:
you don't have to act tonight, or tomorrow .. but you must reflect on what was written here, including the number dispensed to you by Thinker .. I believe even if you speak about it with someone without commitment just to see what kind of help is available for you and your family it would be of benefit..

You NEED THERAPY. Your father also needs to understand and not sweep under the rug what has happened. He most likely was a victim of abuse himself as statistics show... but, that doesn't absolve him from his crime...
your mother's silence about this makes her an accomplice. It is maddening to think someone would sexually abuse a child and go on living the next day or doing it again.. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY OF THAT CRIME? Do you understand that your father could potentially do this to someone else? and that your mother could cover for him..

Allah swt has created us in a dignified state with reason, feelings.. That is what Allah SWT has conferred upon you -- so what right does anyone out there have, your father or some random Joe of depriving you of your humanity.

I disagree, seeking help won't make this painful for you.. It will help you deal with it better, without resorting to various defense mechanisms--
You deserve better that what you have been given.. people go through some pretty serious calamities but I can't conceive of anything worst, not even death compares to having your trust betrayed in this most vile manner by those closest to you..

Allah knows best

:w:

[Snowflake]

^I agree skye sis.. counselling will help inshaAllah and along with bringing the guilty to book can provide the much needed closure.
Fareedio bro, you are in my prayers inshaAllah. Remember, by speaking out, you might help prevent it happening to someone else.

[Kas1m]

May Allah make you safer and protect you from all harm. You are in my duas and every dua counts.

[Re.TiReD]

May Allah make you safer and protect you from all harm. You are in my duas and every dua counts.

[PIE]Ameen!

:salamext:[/PIE]

[suffiyan007]

Oh my God..............

What a dad he is? is your dad insane! for a father who acting like a jerk as father...i will spit on him...! i will runaway from him...and raise my own life by myself...! you are a soleh son(a good man)...try to make something to make you calm and just runaway for a moment,and if your father has changed so give him a changed is not , wont see him anyone other than the mother and the siblings...! just ask some money from baitul mal for zakat....and live outside raise your life alone is a better place!

[Mahir]

Assalamu Alaikum my brother

Dear brother, MY brother, stand up, STAND UP, open your eyes, OPEN THEM, and see the truth, YOU are innocent, what your father did, has nothing to do with you, in reality!

Its the feeling "Why me, why my dad, and why molesting" that knocks you down, so brother, PLEASE dont even bother thinking about it, go up for fajr, while going up, scream out the Adhan, so that all the people know that you will go to the bathroom, second of all, if your father is praying, he surely too is making wudhu, right?`so therefor, you cannot stop praying fajr bcs of him, and same with sawm(Fasting) so dont care about him, go past him and say Assalamu Alaikum, nothing more.. and live your life, let Allah (The most merciful) deal with him, as Allah is the most wise, he will judge acording to what people did, and if they repented etc...

What you should do is, watch lectures by Dr Zakir Naik, Yusuf estes etc....

Move out, go to a place where you wont see your father, until he repents and asks you for forgiveness, SINCIERLY! therefor you should let him know about this whole issue

Start making new friends, MUSLIM friends

GET A WIFE!!!!!!!!! I dont care if you dont feel its the time, GET A WIFE, because belive me, wifes help aALLLOOOOTTT, im married trust me i know, you wont feel alone!

Go to the masjid, talk to the imam about this!

Call one of those... hmm.. i dont know their name, but call somebody to talk to him, a proffesional that will make you feel you can start a new life!

PRAY NO MATTER WHAT AND MAKE DUA

Keep contact with your mother, no matter what!

PEace and PLEASE contact me if you have any questions, or would like to talk!

[Fareedio]

Honesty and truthfully.. everysingle person that has replied to my message has helped, ive made my mind up and will talk to an imam and go for therapy as soon as i get a chance to, i have nothing to hide so theres nothing to worry about....

I told my mum how i felt in a personal conversation and everything in detail....the way she cried made me freak out, that image still is in my head, i know shes scared and all but the end of the day......i feel i must report him i dunno about taking him to court but i will report him sooo that if something similar happens again, he is messed himself up!!

i told my mum that her marraige might be invalid now, shes wants to talk to an imam about it now and is fine to split up but she said after my studies cos she dont want it affected....this confo has seriously helped me out. But its not over yet because nothing has been done and only Allah knows what the future holds. Ill let people know if any actions taking futher in the future (i guess helping the world and sociaty is partly and every indviduals hands)

Btw i dont know how to contact people through the forums

[جوري]

:sl:
Akhi.. it is important that you don't go it alone.. I think that is the take home message here..
I understand that people on some level wish that your father would have repented or wasn't in his right state of mind, because it is in our inherent nature to be good and to desire good especially in those who have fathered or mothered us..
No one can honestly wrap their mind around that horrid term 'molestation' without having their emotions involved, emotionality and rationality of what has happened are two very opposing forces.. one dictates by if nothing else but familiarity-- kinship and love for our loved ones and the other must completely excise emotionality to understand the criminality of his actions.. and that is why I emphasize that you must seek help--

at least in doing so you might meet with many other victims of abuse and know that you are not alone..
Anyhow I no longer wish to hammer in you what you must or mustn't do-- you are the best to assess when you are ready to face this..
your mom needs help too, she has your typical passive/aggressive dependent personality disorder, and it is natural for her to have developed these defense mechanisms that is how our mind protects us from constant painful stimuli..

on a separate note:
you can't PM anyone until you reach 50 posts or so.. it is for everyone's protection, since we have had very unwholesome posts and members.. this way you establish rapport on the forum for now you have a limited status.. however according to my understanding you are able to PM, all mods and admins and insha'Allah all of them are of great help...

:w:

[cute123]

akhee . just one thing what so has happened there is no fault of yours hence do not let your self down at any moment. just measure out the loss in ur life and let it go. it feels much better. like ur father wasnt a good one and ur mother wasnt able to support u. else u would always feel like a great big loss. The main struggle is to live ur life to the fullest still thats the winning part of it. read salah, read quran, study , earn , get settled in life go out for picnics . have freinds. live a normal life and upto the best. inshallah everything will get dissolved. I personally advice u to get away from ur house and live independently if u r able to do so without much hardships. else wait till then. and as sky said - phychiatrist would help - its nothing to feel low in that. we all need a doctor- we all eat medicines.

sky once again - a great help indeed. may allah bless u.