Backward parents

[true_muslimmah]

:sl:

Have any of you got backwards parents? Especially when it comes to marriage?

I love my parents dearly and i will do till my last breath, they are Alhamdulillah practising muslims, like they read 5x salah etc..., but when it comes to marriage they dont know the first thing about it Islamically :raging:

No matter how much naseeha I give them, especially my mum, she just wont change her ways of thinking,

ATM i am going through a difficult time, if one is ready to marry then one should get married right? For the sake of Allah? Completing half your deen? And not just because your parents want you to marry as long as that person is blood related and inside family just to strengthen family ties between their sis's/bro?

Ya Allah, i have tried my best. I have given as much daleel to my mum as i can think off, from the Qur'an and Sunnah. I dont think she will ever understand the importance of marriage in Islam? :enough!:

:w:

[Muslima Islam]

Salam.
Sister i know exactly how you feel. I dont think that my mother and father dont realize that they are coming off to me in this way. Perhaps your parents dont realize either. My mother and i can't talk about marriage. Not because i dont want to, but simply because she makes it weird for me to approach her. She always says your not ready. but i was taught different in my islamic class, they said the same thing you wrote. "if one is ready to marry then one should get married right? For the sake of Allah? Completing half your deen?" dear sister in islam you are not alone.

[Afraa]

Jazakullah khayr for sharing this story with us girls.

Even thou sometimes you feel it's the right thing to do, it's best you wait. There is a reason why.

[Lonely Gal]

i think a lot of people face this problem, I too faced this and trying to do the right thing by my parents and give them the happiness they wanted even when I originally refused to get married to my now husband, lead to my unhappines..

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[true_muslimmah]

i think a lot of people face this problem, I too faced this and trying to do the right thing by my parents and give them the happiness they wanted even when I originally refused to get married to my now husband, lead to my unhappines..

:sl:

Smoetimes it's like this, well with my parents, im not saying everybody right, just to be on the safe side.

They just think about their happiness, oh that their bro/sis will be even happy therefore strengthning family ties therefore making them come out with more s**t like oh you will live happily, you wont struggle financially and you will have family support, and im like "ALLAH KNOWS BEST"

I know parents want what's best for their kids right but when it comes to marriage, well in my generation it has been going on for donkey years where the girls just accept the proposal quitely, protecting their family's so called reputation, not knowing if they are compatible, not even seen eachother until the wedding day, only knows what her parent's have told her and that for me is not enough.

Why do our parents abuse our given right which Allah and Hazuur Paak give us that the entire decision to accept and reject is up to us?

I rejected my mum's nephew back home, her reaction was hasty. Apparently a pact was made between them that when i grow up, we will DEFO get married, how can they ever do such a thing? Did they know that i will live that long? What if something happended to me? Did they know that i will suddenly at such a young age become deaf? It's all the QADR of Allah which she knows not.

I then rejected my mum's sister's brother in law (personal reasons, one major concern being he acts like a girl and we all know that hadith - and is not practasing) , again my mum didnt take it lightly, blaming me for her sisters not talking2 her but that is false, i see them talking over the phone now and again, just emotional blackmail right? Constant emotional blackmail again and again but i stood steadfast in deen.

The two i rejected are happily married now, my mum still hasdnt let go off it, how i did this and that, arghh.

I have found someone, i have done my istikhara and i got a positive inclination, in other words clear as well, but my mum is playing mind games.

Do you all wanna know what?

I just don't want to sound like I'm complaining about it, just want as much advice as possible.

:w:

[Lonely Gal]

no doubt there are people that have arranged marrages and be really happy - mashAllah its great for them, but sadly there are cases that aint so straight forward as this. I too disagreed to getting married but then all the emotional crying and hurtful talks came that made me think their my parents give it a try, sadly its not given me the happiness i wanted from a marriage.
Be strong in this situation and as much as u should listen to your parents, do what you want and what is right for u as well cos if you listen and are unhappy that still does not lead to the happiness of your parents.. well it hasnt to mines cos now I still hear emotional stuff for not being happy and having a proper marriage relationship with my husband. When are your parents lookin to get u married.
I really dont know what the correct advise is to give, as these situations are very deep and complex, its not a simple answer to agree or disagree with your parents. Keeping praying and make Dua..

[Umar001]

As Salaamu Alaykum,

I think there is normally faults on both sides, us as children should try please our parents, if they ask us to marry a cousin, we should try to make them happy and do so, and not just say 'Ewww he's my cousin' or 'I have a bf already'. But if you meet that cousin and find yourself not attracted to him or see some bad qualities, then mention that to your parents, and yes sometimes they make it difficult to approach them, but just be patient insha'Allah.

I think we should realise as a younger generation that yes we have a choice, but we dont have the choice to turn away from our parents, the choice is amercy from Allah, not a supposed tool where we can torture our parents with.

And reverts who can't get married be patient, don't get angry at the families who reject you because you're a revert, they are just worried/scared sometimes, due to stories they hear about revert Muslims, it is understandable I guess, in some ways, even though we may not like it.

And we ask Allah to provide us with pious partners, who will help us keep from sin and enjoy a better life, and Allah knows best.

Eesa

[true_muslimmah]

no doubt there are people that have arranged marrages and be really happy - mashAllah its great for them, but sadly there are cases that aint so straight forward as this. I too disagreed to getting married but then all the emotional crying and hurtful talks came that made me think their my parents give it a try, sadly its not given me the happiness i wanted from a marriage.
Be strong in this situation and as much as u should listen to your parents, do what you want and what is right for u as well cos if you listen and are unhappy that still does not lead to the happiness of your parents.. well it hasnt to mines cos now I still hear emotional stuff for not being happy and having a proper marriage relationship with my husband. When are your parents lookin to get u married.
I really dont know what the correct advise is to give, as these situations are very deep and complex, its not a simple answer to agree or disagree with your parents. Keeping praying and make Dua..

Jzk sis, it's true that some are happy and some are not. That isn't the point im trying to say sis. All am saying is that when we have been giving the right to accept or reject a proposal who are the parents to take away our women given right? Meaning that at the end of the day we dont have no say, we agree to it silently fearing our life. Such a marriage is haraam right without the consent of both parties?

Of course i listen to my parents, even if my parents are doing wrong, i will not go along with them at all, never will i do that just for their pleasure when they are in fact going against Allah. would you? i explain to them where they are going wrong, mostly my mum it is, and i will not give up sis.

Well my mum wanted me married a long time back, and i've been waited to get married to the bro i did istikhara for over a year now but....

Sis, your right there, there is no correct adive, sure many of you have been in this situation, i just wanted to know how you overcome it.

[Re.TiReD]

As Salaamu Alaykum,

I think there is normally faults on both sides, us as children should try please our parents, if they ask us to marry a cousin, we should try to make them happy and do so, and not just say 'Ewww he's my cousin' or 'I have a bf already'. But if you meet that cousin and find yourself not attracted to him or see some bad qualities, then mention that to your parents, and yes sometimes they make it difficult to approach them, but just be patient insha'Allah.

I think we should realise as a younger generation that yes we have a choice, but we dont have the choice to turn away from our parents, the choice is amercy from Allah, not a supposed tool where we can torture our parents with.

And reverts who can't get married be patient, don't get angry at the families who reject you because you're a revert, they are just worried/scared sometimes, due to stories they hear about revert Muslims, it is understandable I guess, in some ways, even though we may not like it.

And we ask Allah to provide us with pious partners, who will help us keep from sin and enjoy a better life, and Allah knows best.

Eesa

^^ Great advice masha'Allah.

Ameen at du'aa

:salamext:

[true_muslimmah]

As Salaamu Alaykum,

I think there is normally faults on both sides, us as children should try please our parents, if they ask us to marry a cousin, we should try to make them happy and do so, and not just say 'Ewww he's my cousin' or 'I have a bf already'. But if you meet that cousin and find yourself not attracted to him or see some bad qualities, then mention that to your parents, and yes sometimes they make it difficult to approach them, but just be patient insha'Allah.

I think we should realise as a younger generation that yes we have a choice, but we dont have the choice to turn away from our parents, the choice is amercy from Allah, not a supposed tool where we can torture our parents with.

And reverts who can't get married be patient, don't get angry at the families who reject you because you're a revert, they are just worried/scared sometimes, due to stories they hear about revert Muslims, it is understandable I guess, in some ways, even though we may not like it.

And we ask Allah to provide us with pious partners, who will help us keep from sin and enjoy a better life, and Allah knows best.

Eesa

You are right there bro, BUT like i said not all parents are the same. They WANT you to marry that cousin of yours no matter what they are lacking. I know what im talking about and bro iv seen it all with my own eyes.

Of course we should also respect our parents choice in this, which so far i have done, and i have like you mentioned that there is no attraction and i have prayed Salat-ul-Istikhara and got negative outcomes so i went with that. And i will keep saying that when parents dont know the first thing about marriage, why dont they educate themselves?

[Sahabiyaat]

"puts on paki accent"

"Attraction, ...WHATTTTTTT:enough!:... are you telling me you actually want to feel attracted to the person you marry..............oh Allah...what did i do in my life to deserve this day!"

[true_muslimmah]

"puts on paki accent"

"Attraction, ...WHATTTTTTT:enough!:... are you telling me you actually want to feel attracted to the person you marry..............oh Allah...what did i do in my life to deserve this day!"

I didnt mention the attraction bit. I was just talking in general sis, dont get me wrong

[Sahabiyaat]

sorry, i was just trying to cheer u up :-[

im just echoing all typical pakistani parents and how there shocked when you tell them the basic requirements for marriage in Islam. :)

[true_muslimmah]

sorry, i was just trying to cheer u up :-[

im just echoing all typical pakistani parents and how there shocked when you tell them the basic requirements for marriage in Islam. :)

lol, it did work for it bit

I hate being a paki

[Sahabiyaat]

put it there girlfriend.me too

but were muslim first! :D

[true_muslimmah]

put it there girlfriend.me too

but were muslim first! :D

Yup, Im proud to be a Muslim. :statisfie

[AnonymousPoster]

Salamz

Parents are lived are such a long time, they have gone through so much in their lives, and have a better awareness than us younger generations, their experience is vital to us younger generations. But they should be able to put forward their statements about the person they want you to get married to.

The person who is getting married has the final say, and must have at least a good reason if they don't want to get married to that particular person

I just wanted to ask, how can one decide when they are ready to get married? And what how a person lives after getting married?:-[

Sister stay strong!!! Fight for what u want, what is best for and your family, your happiness is their happiness. PARENTS WANT US TO BE HAPPY

Salamz

[AnonymousPoster]

^^^ woops, p.s...... The only reason my parents want me to get married, is so the girl can cook and clean the house and mum can chill:raging: and naturally dont my wife to waste away:cry:

Salamz

[true_muslimmah]

Salamz

Parents are lived are such a long time, they have gone through so much in their lives, and have a better awareness than us younger generations, their experience is vital to us younger generations. But they should be able to put forward their statements about the person they want you to get married to.

The person who is getting married has the final say, and must have at least a good reason if they don't want to get married to that particular person

I just wanted to ask, how can one decide when they are ready to get married? And what how a person lives after getting married?:-[

Sister stay strong!!! Fight for what u want, what is best for and your family, your happiness is their happiness. PARENTS WANT US TO BE HAPPY

Salamz

True parents have lived a long time but yet they are still stubborn in their thinking. Please forgive me if these words hurt anyone. From my expereince, living with my family and the way they think is really backward. I will make my parents happy no matter what, i will also prove to them the person i marry is right for me deen wise etc...

Like i said it all comes down to culture....oh why...

About when one knowning when they want to get married im sure someone who is married will answer this for us Insha'allah

[Umar001]

You are right there bro, BUT like i said not all parents are the same. They WANT you to marry that cousin of yours no matter what they are lacking. I know what im talking about and bro iv seen it all with my own eyes.

Of course we should also respect our parents choice in this, which so far i have done, and i have like you mentioned that there is no attraction and i have prayed Salat-ul-Istikhara and got negative outcomes so i went with that. And i will keep saying that when parents dont know the first thing about marriage, why dont they educate themselves?

Yes, parents make mistakes, sometimes big mistakes,t here are Kafir parents, which obviously make a bigger mistake then the Muslim ones, and there are Muslim parents which make mistakes, so I can understand you sister.

So in your situation I mean, all you can do is wait and be patient and reject what you feel is not right for you, as long as you are doing it for the right reasons.

Why dont parents educate themselves? I don't know, it is just like why most people dont educate themselves, I guess.

[um nancy]

salam,
i got married at 16 cuz of my parents, i thought islamiclly its my duty to obay them, and i was not educated islamiclly enough to know i had rights and could have even got to know him (by getting engaged, which allows you to meet with him and a mahrram).
what i was told was in islam its haram to meet your spouse b4 marriage.
through my expirence iv been married, divorced and had a child in the 4yrs since. the biggest mistake of my life but iv used it to make me stronger as a human and muslimah. i was never islamically educated and did not know we had roles as husband and wife. iv now read alot of books on islam and opnions vary, my opinion is to do what you feel is best as the door of heven is at your moms feet. also remember if you sacrifise something allah will bless you with something better. i sacrificed my happieness but was blessed with a daughter. looking back i would never change any thing. the mistakes we make are lessons, we need to take them in, and life is one big test.

inshallah you can relate with me, i feel you may make the mistake i did, now i see this mistake the best thing of my life. iv become stronger, discovered islam, and truely appriciate life. alhamdulilah.

good luck in what ever you decide to do.

[um nancy]

salam,
i got married at 16 cuz of my parents, i thought islamiclly its my duty to obay them, and i was not educated islamiclly enough to know i had rights and could have even got to know him (by getting engaged, which allows you to meet with him and a mahrram).
what i was told was in islam its haram to meet your spouse b4 marriage.
through my expirence iv been married, divorced and had a child in the 4yrs since. the biggest mistake of my life but iv used it to make me stronger as a human and muslimah. i was never islamically educated and did not know we had roles as husband and wife. iv now read alot of books on islam and opnions vary, my opinion is to do what you feel is best as the door of heven is at your moms feet. also remember if you sacrifise something allah will bless you with something better. i sacrificed my happieness but was blessed with a daughter. looking back i would never change any thing. the mistakes we make are lessons, we need to take them in, and life is one big test.

inshallah you can relate with me, i feel you may make the mistake i did, now i see this mistake the best thing of my life. iv become stronger, discovered islam, and truely appriciate life. alhamdulilah.

good luck in what ever you decide to do.

[um nancy]

salam,
i got married at 16 cuz of my parents, i thought islamiclly its my duty to obay them, and i was not educated islamiclly enough to know i had rights and could have even got to know him (by getting engaged, which allows you to meet with him and a mahrram).
what i was told was in islam its haram to meet your spouse b4 marriage.
through my expirence iv been married, divorced and had a child in the 4yrs since. the biggest mistake of my life but iv used it to make me stronger as a human and muslimah. i was never islamically educated and did not know we had roles as husband and wife. iv now read alot of books on islam and opnions vary, my opinion is to do what you feel is best as the door of heven is at your moms feet. also remember if you sacrifise something allah will bless you with something better. i sacrificed my happieness but was blessed with a daughter. looking back i would never change any thing. the mistakes we make are lessons, we need to take them in, and life is one big test.

inshallah you can relate with me, i feel you may make the mistake i did, now i see this mistake the best thing of my life. iv become stronger, discovered islam, and truely appriciate life. alhamdulilah.

good luck in what ever you decide to do.

[um nancy]

salam,
i got married at 16 cuz of my parents, i thought islamiclly its my duty to obay them, and i was not educated islamiclly enough to know i had rights and could have even got to know him (by getting engaged, which allows you to meet with him and a mahrram).
what i was told was in islam its haram to meet your spouse b4 marriage.
through my expirence iv been married, divorced and had a child in the 4yrs since. the biggest mistake of my life but iv used it to make me stronger as a human and muslimah. i was never islamically educated and did not know we had roles as husband and wife. iv now read alot of books on islam and opnions vary, my opinion is to do what you feel is best as the door of heven is at your moms feet. also remember if you sacrifise something allah will bless you with something better. i sacrificed my happieness but was blessed with a daughter. looking back i would never change any thing. the mistakes we make are lessons, we need to take them in, and life is one big test.

inshallah you can relate with me, i feel you may make the mistake i did, now i see this mistake the best thing of my life. iv become stronger, discovered islam, and truely appriciate life. alhamdulilah.

good luck in what ever you decide to do.

[Ansariyah]

As Salaamu Alaykum,

I think there is normally faults on both sides, us as children should try please our parents, if they ask us to marry a cousin, we should try to make them happy and do so, and not just say 'Ewww he's my cousin' or 'I have a bf already'. But if you meet that cousin and find yourself not attracted to him or see some bad qualities, then mention that to your parents, and yes sometimes they make it difficult to approach them, but just be patient insha'Allah.

I think we should realise as a younger generation that yes we have a choice, but we dont have the choice to turn away from our parents, the choice is amercy from Allah, not a supposed tool where we can torture our parents with.

And reverts who can't get married be patient, don't get angry at the families who reject you because you're a revert, they are just worried/scared sometimes, due to stories they hear about revert Muslims, it is understandable I guess, in some ways, even though we may not like it.

And we ask Allah to provide us with pious partners, who will help us keep from sin and enjoy a better life, and Allah knows best.

Eesa

Why shud we make "them happy"? if thats NOT what we want? Shudn't it be every parents ultimate goal to see their kids happy? I have had the visitations, I declined happily. My mother is more pushy when it comes to these things, but my Dad always backs me up. He always says "it's her choice, her life". My father rocks, nuff said. Alhamdulilah.

[Ushae]

Do NOT go through with it. I'm in a similar predicament and I'm kinda stuck now since our nikkah (semi married no Ruksati yet) has been done. The girl I'm married to is VERY insincere, unfaithful and simply not right for me in any way. I never had good impressions of her from the beginning.

Here is what you should do. The only way to get through to your parents is to have people on their level speak to them. E.g. An Uncle/Aunt or somethin like that. You need to get the message across to them. The marriage will be invalid if you do not want it.

If that doesn't work then go to your Imam, to your local mosque where your father goes to pray jummah, and speak to him. Tell him your situation and inshallah he will do the right thing and approach them with his wife. If by some off chance he is a 'Typical Paki' too then... lol... I'm lost for words lol. Then find the NEXT Imam lol !! Do not go through with the marriage, trust me! IF you do not like the guy don't do it.

[Hasan Ali]

well does Christian parents count as backwards lol?

[Amatullah_]

[QUOTE=Ushae;1013304]Do NOT go through with it. I'm in a similar predicament and I'm kinda stuck now since our nikkah (semi married no Ruksati yet) has been done. The girl I'm married to is VERY insincere, unfaithful and simply not right for me in any way. I never had good impressions of her from the beginning.

Here is what you should do. The only way to get through to your parents is to have people on their level speak to them. E.g. An Uncle/Aunt or somethin like that. You need to get the message across to them. The marriage will be invalid if you do not want it.

If that doesn't work then go to your Imam, to your local mosque where your father goes to pray jummah, and speak to him. Tell him your situation and inshallah he will do the right thing and approach them with his wife. If by some off chance he is a 'Typical Paki' too then... lol... I'm lost for words lol. Then find the NEXT Imam lol !! Do not go through with the marriage, trust me! IF you do not like the guy don't do it.[/QUOTE]


Agreed! :thumbs_up

It isnt fair when parents think it their rights to marry their kids to whom THEY want giving the kids no choice.Thats force marriage which is prohibited in Islam. Who has to live that life with that person? Nobody but you. They are already living their life so they should try to be more understanding.

You as a child have to obey your parents, yes, but parents needs to understand that their view isnt anything Islamic, its all cultural. If you end up not liking your spouse your gonna blame your parents for the rest of your life so say 'no' now before its too late. You'll end up making your life miserable and the guy's life as well.

Do like the brother advised above, it usually helps. InshaAllah.