Marriage woes...please help

[fjohnson7174]

Assalamu Alaikum. I am 34 year old american man of west indian and chinese background. I was raised loosely in a christian enviornment basically by default. My father is catholic and my mother is buddhist, but neither really forced religion on my brothers and I, so we were left to find religion on our own and since the community I grew up with was comprised mainly of people from christian and jewish faiths. As you may know already, those of the jewish faith are quite a bit reluctant of accepting those who are not born jewish, so like I mentioned earlier, my faith was christian by default. Because of my upbringing and the twisted message that is conveyed by the media, my views of Islam and muslims in general was very negative. I was led to believe that muslims were very militant and very non accepting of those who are not muslim (even worse than people of jewish faith). This was largely due to lack of exposure to any muslims in general. More recently I have been around a lot of muslims and my view has changed dramatically. In fact, my best friend and business partner is a muslim Pakistani. I also have a lot of friends now who are muslim and they have been instrumental in teaching me about Islam in general. I have not converted to Islam, but I have been reading the Qu'ran and am learning salat. I have also tried to fast during Ramadan. I fully intend to convert to Islam very soon, and not just because of the situation that I am in now Anyway, last year I met a young lady online who is originally from Yemen, but was raised here in the United States since the age of 8 and she is 21 now. She lives quite far from me, so we corresponded online and on the telephone at first. We have seen each other a few times, and over the course of the year, we have fallen in love and wish to get married. She has met my family already and they are all very fond of her. My mother thinks that she would make a excellent wife as she has a decent moral background even though she has been influenced somewhat by the american culture. Now with my current understanding of Islam, I realize that our relationship is improper, and I want to please Allah and change our circumstances. The problem is fear of rejection from her parents because I am not Arab. To give further light on the situation, her younger sister is dating as well and has the desire to marry this man as well. Earlier this year, her mother brought the son of one of her friends to her to marry. She put up resistance at first, but then she agreed to meet with him and go along with the engagement. As she got to know the new man, she felt that he would not make a good husband because of the way he was lying to her, arguing with her, and a few other reasons. Even with the situation being this way, she has yet to break off the engagement for fear of what her mother will say or do. With this current situation, I want to get married to her, but I don't know what course of action to take. Traditionally I know that my parents are supposed to go to her parents and ask for her daughter's hand in marriage, but my parents aren't muslim, and I think they might be a bit uncomfortable with the situation since they know very little about Islam. My best friend and other friends are more than willing to go with me to meet with her parents to speak on my behalf. I am completely in the dark here, and really need some advice on what I should do now. I really want to get married and live a happy life, but I also want to do what's right by Allah and her parents. Sorry for making this so long, but I felt I needed to give as much information as possible to get the best advice.

[Mikayeel]

Thread approved

Sorry for the delay!

[Güven]

I have seen This problem Alot now ,Nationalism, the parents problem ,
,several threads in this forum are also about the same issue
And Im affraid i cant help you with this Maybe Some other members can help you in sha Allah
cause this is a complicated issue for me :exhausted

[S_87]

hmm this idea may not work for you because you both live quite far but i remember when someone we knew reverted and wanted to marry a girl from a traditional family, what he did was ask two people who the family knew and he also knew to act as his go between (like how the parents would meet) so that the parents also felt respected

For the time being though, I would say stop talking to her and work on whether you want to revert to islam or not and if you do then do so and ask Allah for guidance in Islam and in this matter.

I really hope it works out for you :)

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[al Amaanah]

dont delay ur shahada insha Allah!

[جوري]

Al-Khansaa’ bint Khidaam complained to the Prophet that her father wanted her to marry someone she didn’t want, saying “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.” The Prophet said, “Then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” Al-Khansaa’ said, “I have actually accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters” (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fath Al-Barî Ibn Hajr, Sunan Ibn Mâjah)

moral of the story is, her parents can't force her into marriage, religiously speaking -- but you can't marry her, if you are not Muslim.

If you are sure Islam is the right religion for you and not just out of love for this woman, then I wouldn't delay my conversion, and then I'd go for it..
Nothing bad can come out of fighting for what you believe in or going after what you want..

I wish you all the best insha'Allah
and let us know how you fare

:w:

[_ALI_]

Salam
My advise to you would be that you first need to become a Muslim as soon as possible. That won't be a problem since you have decided to do so anyway. Then you can go for it. Hope it works out for you.

[islamirama]

Wsalam

If you have studied Islam and believe in it and like to convert then that is the very fist step you should take. A Muslim woman is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim and the relationship you both have is forbidden in Islam as well as is the boyfriend relationship her sister has. The best course of action would be to inshallah convert and then take you friend (assuming he/she is a muslim) with you and go purpose to the parents of the girl. If they don't agree then you can talk to the imaam of the masjid of their community and the imam's wife can get involved as well (talking to the mother of the girl) and they can help you in this inshallah.

[fjohnson7174]

Thank you for the helpful advice. I now have a better understanding of what I need to do to make this work. I will definitely keep you updated.

[noreason2cry]

Please don't rush into things, especially in love. If you truly interested in Islam, concentrate on that first and foremost. If you really think about it... that's what her parents would judge your character by anyway.