again ... brother problem

[AnonymousPoster]

salam to all

i wrote a post earlier about my brother who is into chatting with girls & all ...

this time i want to know what should i do.

we went for umrah & he had a big fight with my father where my father was so heartbroken that he said that he should pray for his(my dad) death ... and my brother was like ...it wont matter to me imsad:cry:

i hate my brother for all this ... i wish & pray that Allah gives him some sense of what he is doing & saying.

anyway, he is into this girl online for the past 3 years. he has been chatting with her ... v-chat, calling ... webcam chat ..everything ... maybe met her a few times when he comes back home for holidays. the thing is that i dont like the girl ... my family will never approve of a love-marriage thing & that too without any of the families even knowing till now what they both are upto. my mom knows because i have told her about that girl. the thing is that she in the beginning tried to fool with me ..tried to make friends with me while posing to be someone else. luckily i found out about it. my brother blocks me out on everything that might lead me to her.

now i have got my hands on her pics & chats & contact numbers. i have her brother's & i think mother or sister's email ids, home adress & phone numbers. what do you suggest i do?? i cant talk to my brother because he never listens to me or my parents... if it was in his will he would kill me.

so, what you suggest ... contact the girl & tell him to stay away or email her brother .... tell me what to do im so confused.

my brother is already doing bad at studies ..barely passing ..it will be a miracle if he gradutes his degree. he spends all his time online with her & other girls. he is rude & insolent child to my parents ... tell me how to save him.

thanks

[SixTen]

If he is that disrespectful to your parents, live life without associating with him UNTIL he repents and apologises for his disgraceful actions in my honest opinion. I don't see why you should get involved in any dirty work.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

i stick by my former suggestion of kicking him out

[Woodrow]

i stick by my former suggestion of kicking him out

I agree, as harsh as that sounds, it is really the kindest choice.

Sadly, when a family becomes unable to control a member it is best to think in terms of protecting the other members and understand that by not taking a firm stand they only enable the actions and unwillingly contribute to the sins.

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[AnonymousPoster]

thanks for the suggestions ... itd easier said that done. he is in saudia right now ..if my father doesnt give him permission he cant even leave the kingdom ...but thats not how i want it to be.
i want that the girl end it herself... or else i will have to do something about it
the thing is that he wasnt like this while he was living with me & mom ... when he left pakistan he wasnt like this ... i had control over his activities ...
those ------ net people have turned him against everyone in the house & family ...
i just want to get rid of that pathetic girl. he is spending all his time on her ... all his money on her ... 6000 rs of internet phone bills each month excluding the net time he spends with her.
as all pakistaniz im sure her family will take good care of her when they come to know of it.
you all tell me what to do ... or else i will have to tell my mom that she has to talk to the girl's family or i will do it myself if my mom doesnt ... because im sure no parents or brother will bear all this!

[SixTen]

Why do you assume he will become all fine if you end his relationship? Don't you think, if anyone, it would become worse? He isn't going to be liking you or your parents getting involved in the relationship, you think breaking them up, will make him become closer to you lot rather than distant and bitter?

[IbnAbdulHakim]

^ i was thinking same thing, thats quite a huge assumption to make.
he needs to desire the change IMHO (in my honest opinion) or else nothing good will come from him. may Allaah guide him

[SixTen]

Yep, its like taking the drugs off a drug addict - won't make him better unless he wants to quit.

[The Khan]

:sl:

My sister is currently like that. I also don't know what to do.

I used to be a terrible person earlier. I used to drink, consume soft drugs, and listen to satanic blackmetal. Allah (SWT) guided me to the right path, I have faith that he shall do the same for my sister as well as your brother.

[AnonymousPoster]

finally ... i saw a pic of her & my brother in our car :enough!:
i couldnt take it anymore.
i called my mom in the room & showed her that pic & all the other poses of the girl ... there are like 50 + pics of her.
my mom was shocked!
anyway, she has decided to confront my brother now. i have given mom the number of the girl's brother & sis/mom whoever it is.
lets see what my mom plans out to handle the situation.
i suggested her that its better to tell the girl's family & even show them the proof because we alone cant chastise my brother ..the girl's family needs to control & chastise their girl too ...
please pray :exhausted

[The Khan]

It's not going to make the situation any better. He will continue to rebel.

There's a book by Dale Carnegie - How to win friends and influence people. It explains how human nature works and how to influence people. By what you're doing...it will only make him hate you and your mother, unfortunately.

Muhammed (SAW) gave the best example on how to influence people.

[bewildred]

First off, I can't believe that in an Islamic forum, it was advised to a person to kick his/her brother out. Come on, what a shame!!

You know that when you see something wrong, you'll do everything you can to solve it. You also know that when speech can do nothing, you can do othing but pray and keep it in your heart (adh'af al eeman). You can't chase your brother. If YOU, his family don't have mercy on him. Who would? Do you thing strangers will take care of him better????

He loves this gir, chats with her or even met her. Are you sure he committed Zinah???? Come on!!! There are much worse matters than that. Advise him in the gentlest and most tactful ways.

Concerning you, Why are you spying him that much? Why do you search for the girl's info? You don't respect your brother's intimacy. You're also to blame. Islam says that one must hide his relative's defects. It's called Sutrah. "Wa man satara an akheeh, satara Allahou anh"

You're doing too much ado about nothing. Allah will guide him one day or another. You just failed as a family to help him in the right way. Problems ever come from nothingness.

And Allah knows best.

[noorahmad]

yeps, you shouldn't be rude with him, every teen pass through this, just try getting him to pray, swalaats help.
Also, why reject that girl??
Is that according to Islam, to treat your brother like this, i know he was wrong by mistreating your father, but sister, try to think about how your brother feels, try to take his feelings into consideration.
You can't throw him out, why you his family afterall.

[noorahmad]

Abu Hurayrah may Allaah be pleased with him related that a man came to the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) and said: "O Messenger of Allaah, my relatives are such that I cooperate with them, but they cut me off; I am kind to them but they ill-treat me; I forbear but they are rude to me." The Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) replied, "If you are as you say, you are then feeding them with hot ashes; and so long as you remain the way you are, Allaah will always help you and he will protect you against their mischief." [Muslim]

The Messenger of Allaah sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) said: "No one who severs his family ties will enter Paradise." [At-Tirmithi]

[AnonymousPoster]

look .... you dont know the real situation.
he can commit zina because his friends are that type. you dont know his friends. and the pic i saw of him & the girl is soo close that even i wont want to sit that close to my brother or even father.
as far as respecting him is concerned ... he doesnt even come near the teaching of Quran ... he doesnt prays .. doesnt fasts ... doesnt do anything ... all his life is about internet & those girls showing him her pics & webcams & chatting intimate stuff like undergarments & sleeping togetther etc .
and he isnt a teen, he is a 25 year old guy. he isnt some school boy.
he is failing at school, is rude to everyone around him. he says to our faces that he doesnt care a **** about me & my father ... all that can be considered is my mom ... she is the only one who can handle him.
dont judge people from your angles ... if someone is worried & asks for some advice its that you visualize yourself in that person's place & situation & then say what you feel like.
breaking ties or leaving him to do whatever he is doing is to me the extreme of both sides.
i dont know why people just slash things right away ... some things are in our lives because of our cultures ... and some because of religion. one needs to focus careful not harshly.
thanks anyway:-\

[TrueStranger]

:sl:

First thing first, snooping into his business isn’t right. You are doing everything in your power to know what your brother is up to. Shunning a flash light on his bad equalities. The bad part is that you don’t have any solution. I wouldn’t personally expose a sin my brother is doing to another soul, especially if he has reached a age where his sins are his sins. If he was underage I would have certainly told my parents. However, your brother is 25, and it would have been better for you to go to him and say to him “fear Allah” and not utter another word after that, simply walking away. Or tell him what he is doing is wrong, and don’t argue with him. He will say words like “mind your own business” etc, but don’t answer him back.

We as humans don’t hear words we don’t understand.

He is 25 and you know quite well that you can’t force him to do anything.

Praying protect a person from major sins, so if you real want to do something try convincing him to pray. If you can’t do that then you can’t stop him from committing other sins.

And leave the other family alone……concentrate on your family.

and stop spying on your brother.


*{O you who believe, avoid much suspicion, for some suspicion is a sin. Neither spy on one another, nor backbite one another. Would one of you love to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Nay, you would detest it, [so similarly, avoid backbiting]. And fear Allah. Indeed, Allah is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful.}* (Al-Hujurat 49:12)

[noorahmad]

maybe at 25, he's still not mature!!! make lot of duaah for him sis!!! i'll make duaaah for you inshAllah

[noorahmad]

Allahumma la sahla illa ma ja'altahu sahlan wa Anta taj'alul hazna idha shi'ta sahlan.(Oh Allah there is no ease other than what You make easy, If You please you make even despondency easy.)
Ibn hibban no 2427, An Nawawi, kitab-ul-Adhkar-pg 106.

[noorahmad]

Allahumma inni a'udhu bika minal hammi wal hazani, wal 'ajzi, wal kasali, wal bukhli wal jubni, wa dala'id daini wa ghalabatir rijaal.
Oh Allah i seek refuge in you from despondency and sadness, from weakness and from laziness, from miserliness and from cowardice, from perversion of faith and from the domination of others.( bukhari 7/158)

Allahumma Rahmataka arju fala takilni ila nafsi tarfata 'ainin, wa aslih li sha'ni kullahu, la ilaha illa Anta.
Oh Allah, i hope for your mercy. Do not tire me of me even for a moment. place all my affair in order. there is no God but you.(Abu dawud 4/324)

[Snowflake]

now i have got my hands on her pics & chats & contact numbers. i have her brother's & i think mother or sister's email ids, home adress & phone numbers. what do you suggest i do?? i cant talk to my brother because he never listens to me or my parents... if it was in his will he would kill me.....

so, what you suggest ... contact the girl & tell him to stay away or email her brother .... tell me what to do im so confused. ......

i want that the girl end it herself... or else i will have to do something about it

I hate the thought of anyone prying into someone else's personal matter when it doesn't directly concern them and worse taking it into their own hands. If your own brother didn't want to be with her, she couldn't have done anything about it. You're bro is wrong but that is not the way to guide him. He could end up feeling so betrayed that any chance you had with him might've been totally destroyed.

It's worrying to think that while you were so intent on getting this girl out of your brother's life that you did not consider the possibility of them getting married anyway. And what kind of relationships would this family have if children came along?

as all pakistaniz im sure her family will take good care of her when they come to know of it

I wish ppl wouldn't generalise. When it comes to cultures, none is better than the other when they fail to deal with matters in accordance with islam. Since you mentioned it, I hope it wasn't her ethnicity that's the real issue here.

[truemuslim]

wait wat the hell would kicking him out do?????????????

wth??????

[AnonymousPoster]

thanks for the responses ...
im a paki myself! so is not the race issue.
in our culture brothers dnt marry before their older sisters.
and for your info, he knows many girls ..she isnt the only one.
last night my mom scolded him .. and he shouted back ... all night he spent chatting on the internet ... is i haraam to stop someone from sinning????????? i dont think so! my mom did not raise us this way! he was never this way until he met her & if he is falling into the wrong company it is our duty as a family to save him. no one can love anyone as your own family members can ... especially mothers. my mom cannot stand it that he is letting all this chatting/girl ruin his life.
and if according to you we do get him married with her .. who is going to support them ...?? he is failing & barely making through his univ degree. who will marry their daughter off to a person with no future(at present)!
its the duty of the parents to correct their children when they go astray ... leaving them be is the way to let them wander far off into the valley of sin!
and what do you think, hasnt he betrayed the trust of my parents? hasnt he betrayed Allah & all that Islam says??
just to keep him with us no matter whatever wrong he is doing we should keep quite?
why did Allah bless us with parents if we were so intelligent & self-sufficient & wise to decide for ourselves??
dont you think that very girl is betraying the trust of her family ...sinning in the eyes of Allah by roaming around with non-mehrams? is it not a sin to cheat one's family & lie to them all the time??
how can you just say stuff thats not even coherrent? one can never go against what Islam has prescribed for us nor can we rebel against the cultural values. its very easy said than done. im sure most of the desi people (pakiz/indians/bengaliz) will agree to this. throw him out, talk to him - thats the western way which clearly hasnt worked with my brother at least.
so, kindly kindly i beseech you to give moderate advices to people ... keeping in view that the other person might have a lot more to consider while taking an action than you might think & the circumstances might be far diverse than you might imagine.

im very sorry if someone gets hurt from what i have written ... but this is the truth! i apologize once againimsad

[Ali.]

So, no improvements?

[Liberty]

How to save him?
lol

Maybe it's just that, you need to leave him alone, let him make his own mistakes to learn from them.

Perhaps what he needs is a little less prying into his personal life.