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siddy
10-17-2008, 09:10 PM
salaam

I am wanting to seek advice please

I am 21 years old and have now been married for 2 years.

when i was 19 my parents asked me to get married. so i agreed to keep them happy, so they took me to pakistan to get married. I didnt get to see who i was going to get married to. I wasnet there at the nikah, i didnt get asked if i agreed to the wedding. All that i got asked was fom my dad that if i wanted to get married and i said yes i do, but didnt know who to.

when i knew it the nikah had been performed. i got to see who i was married to 3 days after. when i saw her i felt numbness all over my body, but i didnt say anything.

next day i started crying to my dad, saying that you have ruined my life and i dont like who i am married to, my dad got upset and he said get married again.

My mum found out and she started crying, saying to my dad that i am going to ruin whats left of her life (my mums life).

i got very sad seeing my mum cry so i did not bring this subject up again.

I am married to my fathers neice

I have tried to make the marriage work for m y parents sake, but its not working out, i beleive we are not compatiable. i dont speak to her.

My father passed away 2 months ago, and if i bring this situation up again it will make things worse. My so called wife has said to me on a numurous occasians give me a divorce and i will go back to pakistan, this way both of us will be happy.

I would give her a divorce, but my family are worried about what other people will say. Plus they dont wont to break up with my so called wife's family.

please help
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layla is here
10-18-2008, 12:51 AM
Well I would follow your heart and seek a divorce. At the end of the day it is you who have to live with the other person, not your family. I am sure your mother will be upset but would she really want you to live miserably with someone you can not love (not speaking to each other is not a way to build a loving relationship).
Perhaps you can try separating and get to know each other better then if things work out you can move back to together, and if they do not then divorce.
May Allah grant you ease in this time and find a solution. ameen
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Güven
10-18-2008, 11:24 AM
Thats a Difficult situation you are in my bro
Divorce could be an solution but then again your familiy doesnt want to break with your "wife's" family.

ok let me be clear . I THINK that they have NO right to do this to you , if you want to divorce, THEN DIVORCE , i dont think your family want to see you suffer !
they dont control your life, you dont have to be in misery because the family dont want to break up. Its not up to them , its not their life, its YOURS.

you should marry for the sake of Allah not for the sake of the parents !


Marriage is half of the deen , So i should say DIVORCE if you realy want too
cuz marriage is an important thing!
you are still very young im sure you will find a better wife InshaAllah
May Allah Make things easy for you ameen.

:w:
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Ushae
10-18-2008, 12:52 PM
Remember that you should marry a woman for her virtue and religion before anything else, with these you are guarenteed and successfula nd happy marriage. The other three qualities wealth, lineage and beauty should always be secondary.
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Zahida
10-18-2008, 12:58 PM
:sl: Little bro ........ you have sais that your wife is just as upset as you and says divorce me and i will go back to Pakistan.......... If she meant it she would go regardless wether you divorce her or not.......... Does she have family here?..........

Idea send her to Pakistan and see what develops when she is there.....

She is leaving the ball in your court so to speak by asking you to divorce her.......... you need to turn that around and put the ball in her court. Catch my drift???

Seems like she is saying this to you so that you can be the one to blame, doesn't want anything to fall back on her......... Be careful.

I hope i have not misjudged or said anything out of place....... If so sorry:w:
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siddy
10-18-2008, 02:00 PM
To be honest i am scared of giving her a divorce, I dont know what the outcome will be, I have already had a death in the family (my father) and i dont want anything to get worse.

My mum keeps reminding me, that 2 of my older brothers have maried this way and they are fine with it, so why am i like this.

I asked them why had i not been shown who i was going to get maried to, My mum replied, this is how we do it in pakistan.

I once asked my sister to tell mum and dad to send her back home, she replied we cannot send her back now. She said if i wanted to leave then go, i will not be welcomed in the family.

it seems like i have no choice. I care about my family thats why i havent brought this subject up for 2 years. i am suffering in silence, marriage is not suppose to be like this.
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siddy
10-18-2008, 02:02 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Zahida
:sl: Little bro ........ you have sais that your wife is just as upset as you and says divorce me and i will go back to Pakistan.......... If she meant it she would go regardless wether you divorce her or not.......... Does she have family here?..........

Idea send her to Pakistan and see what develops when she is there.....

She is leaving the ball in your court so to speak by asking you to divorce her.......... you need to turn that around and put the ball in her court. Catch my drift???

Seems like she is saying this to you so that you can be the one to blame, doesn't want anything to fall back on her......... Be careful.

I hope i have not misjudged or said anything out of place....... If so sorry:w:
My so called wife is my uncles daughter. ( dads brother) so we are her family
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noorseeker
10-18-2008, 02:11 PM
You still have time on your hands , i admire you that you have kept it up for two years, im guessing you dont have any kids, so you dont have to worry about that. Its a tough one, sufffereing in silence is of no good, ,make dua to Allah swt.
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SixTen
10-18-2008, 02:19 PM
As much as divorce is disfavoured by Islam, I would like to leave you with some words.

1st - A marriage which is definatly not working (as yours sounds to be so), is probably not something you should keep long term - it is not healthy for either of you

2ndly, to hold onto a marriage simply due to, what people will say, who will be upset - basically, ignoring the issues of the marriage in favour of that which is actually irrelevant, is probably not very good either.

I will have to rant, at these south asians customs - of how young people are abused into random marriages, which they often don't know who they are marrying - have little say in it - and usually are very incompatible. Sadly, cases like yours are not that rare. Evil cultural customs have got the better of a lot of the elder generation. Hopefully, such things, will have been faded out by the new generation, if not the next.

Seriously, how does a parent - when a son comes to them, crying, telling them he is unhappy about his marriage (where, you should give him as much support as you can) - throw in his face how he is ruining their life? Absolutely disgraceful. I would never ever even think of doing such things to any children (if I have any), just thinking about it gives me the shivers. The parents use their children as tools of status... How shameful.
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Snowflake
10-18-2008, 03:55 PM
I feel your plight bro but I don't think I have anything to add right now. I just wanted to let you know that I made duaa for you after salatul Asr. May Allah accept ours and yours. Ameen.
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Zahida
10-19-2008, 04:03 PM
:sl: Frm what you are saying it seems that your mum(no disrespect) is doing things to comply with culture........ Islam doesn't do things this way. Can you sit with your mum talk to her and explain things to her, you are her son i am sure your happiness to her is important................

You are still very young and i would say naive (sorry) and have been put in a situation which i can appreciate because you are loyal to your family. You have your whole life ahead of you .......... Search your soul seek Guidance from Allah and surely He will show you the straight path.

But talk to your mum kid..OK. I pray that Allah eases your affairs. Ameen.:w:
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siddy
10-19-2008, 08:25 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Zahida
:sl: Frm what you are saying it seems that your mum(no disrespect) is doing things to comply with culture........ Islam doesn't do things this way. Can you sit with your mum talk to her and explain things to her, you are her son i am sure your happiness to her is important................

You are still very young and i would say naive (sorry) and have been put in a situation which i can appreciate because you are loyal to your family. You have your whole life ahead of you .......... Search your soul seek Guidance from Allah and surely He will show you the straight path.

But talk to your mum kid..OK. I pray that Allah eases your affairs. Ameen.:w:
My mum is in pakistan at the moment, she went with my dads body, If i bring this subject up, all they say is, 2 of my brothers have married this way and thy dont have a problem with it so why do i,

they also say they are going to ask my freinds if they do the same things as i do to my so called wife, i.e dont talk to her, dont take food off her etc etc.

I know if i divorce her they wont send her back and id get kicked out, where am i going to go? honestly iv put my self in deep **** just for keeping my parents happy
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Zahida
10-19-2008, 11:18 PM
:sl:OK so have patience, when your mum returns after this tragic loss you have all endured......... then talk with her calmly, lovingly and explain to her truthfuly what you feel what is going on.

The fact that your brothers have married this way is nothing to do with what is happening with you.

Also why are they bring your friends into your personal affairs and discussing your marraige with them. It should remain a subject for the family to discuss and resolve.

How old are you? Because your family are treating you like a child. You are old enough to be married so you must be old enough to make some decisions...... You need to stand up for yourself. Please don't be offended!:w::bump1:
format_quote Originally Posted by siddy
My mum is in pakistan at the moment, she went with my dads body, If i bring this subject up, all they say is, 2 of my brothers have married this way and thy dont have a problem with it so why do i,

they also say they are going to ask my freinds if they do the same things as i do to my so called wife, i.e dont talk to her, dont take food off her etc etc.

I know if i divorce her they wont send her back and id get kicked out, where am i going to go? honestly iv put my self in deep **** just for keeping my parents happy
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brotherinfaith
10-19-2008, 11:48 PM
assalamo alaikom akhi

i just want to say that people no matter who they are treat us according to the way we treat ourselves and to please everybody is an impossible mission but we should be careful as everything is a test and such problems can affect one's faith.what you should know is that only you and your wife should decide for what is good for you and none should interfer with your marriage.

if you let the fear grow inside you you will always have it and you wil never find peace and happiness;so pray to god and ask for guidance through istikhara and do what is close to your heart'' la taziro waziratun wizra ukhra''it's your life and you have to decide for it and know akhi that if your family or your uncle's family will respect you for who you are if you respect yourself and obey only god.
love is from god and hatred is from satan and a muslims should no stop speaking to his brother more than three days and your wife is more than your brother in islam .
but what i want to ask you is why you said to your brther he ruined your life when you knew who you got married to ?also i would like to say that it's a lesson to you so that you can learn that when the prophet said to meet the person we will marry and to sit and talk with them is part of the faith not just to accept blindly and the sunna of the prophet is something to obey too .

barak allaho fik wa aslaha amrak
assalamo alaikom wa rahmato allah
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maryam87
10-20-2008, 03:27 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by siddy
salaam

i got to see who i was married to 3 days after. when i saw her i felt numbness all over my body, but i didnt say anything.

next day i started crying to my dad, saying that you have ruined my life and i dont like who i am married to, my dad got upset and he said get married again.


please help
Can i ask what was wrong with her that u jst saw her n didnt want her? I mean how did u know they ruined ur life when u dont know her? Or maybe u do
its jst confusing me
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Lonely Gal
10-20-2008, 08:31 AM
Bro i feel for u, i really do. U are in a really sticky situation. The things we do to please parents yet when they turn bad, we are still to blame, no matter how hard u try.
My thoughts would say if she is unhappy too and sayin togofor divorce then u should cos ur both living miserable lives.
Do u deep down think your feelings will not become strong towards ur wife?
Even if u go ahead with divorce, that will not be a easy journey. There is realy no easy option in this. I advise you to pray and ask for guidance to whats right. If you are not meant to be then things will end up like that. I think with the sad loss of your father (May Allah swt grant him a place in Heaven) its gona be a harder task to deal with. I think you need to think about the next step very carefully about what u do and when u say it, cos your mum will still be grieving and clearly this divorce option will not make things easier for her.
There is help out there if its needed. If divorce was the option and u got chucked out the house, there are people that would be willing to help u.. friends, other family, organisations? It all depends how deeply this is affecting you and what action u want to take.
I pray for you that things get resolved one way or another for your happiness. It is a very difficult situation to be in, with parents on one side and your happiness in the other. All we can ask for is help from Allah swt to help make is easier and guide us..
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Zahida
10-20-2008, 06:37 PM
:sl: I think what our little brother is saying is that she wasn't what he may had hoped for in looks......... there has to be some input and attraction to one another and he wasn't attracted to her(this is just a guess). But you are very right that he needs to get to know her and he may come to like/love what he sees from the inside.........

Allah has put good/bad in everyone, we are the losers by not seeing the goodness in people and finding fault all too quick!

Well done Maryamfor picking up on that point........:w::)
format_quote Originally Posted by maryam87
Can i ask what was wrong with her that u jst saw her n didnt want her? I mean how did u know they ruined ur life when u dont know her? Or maybe u do
its jst confusing me
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siddy
10-21-2008, 08:45 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Zahida
:sl: I think what our little brother is saying is that she wasn't what he may had hoped for in looks......... there has to be some input and attraction to one another and he wasn't attracted to her(this is just a guess). But you are very right that he needs to get to know her and he may come to like/love what he sees from the inside.........

Allah has put good/bad in everyone, we are the losers by not seeing the goodness in people and finding fault all too quick!

Well done Maryamfor picking up on that point........:w::)
I have tried to getting to know her, Iv tried to make the marriage work, I thought to myself life is short just pass each day as it comes and inshallah in te next life i will have a better life.

Its not as if i havent spoken to her from day one.

It's as if we areon a different level. plus she doesnt know english that makes it harder( but that aint an excuse)

My family think i dont speak to her because i am shy in front of other members of the family! they also think its got to do with black magic, nbut i know its got nothing to do with thta, only if they knew how i felt.

i am sorry to offend anybody by saying this: iv only slept with her 3 times, this was when i was trying to make the marrige work, i have also found a thavies in my pillow imsad

we just havent clicked there is no love nothing, marriage is not suppose to be like this, it coming to the point when i hear her voice my mood jst goes down. Im not blaming her its not her fault and i am also forgiving my parants.

but why cant they just understand
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siddy
10-21-2008, 08:47 AM
I knew i was going to get married to my uncles daughter but i hadent seen her.

I still beleive there is somebody else out ther for me
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IbnAbdulHakim
10-21-2008, 12:06 PM
then stop wasting time, talk to all the necessary people - your mum - her relatives


explain your feelings, be honest.

tell them you've tried your best and would like another chance with another wife.



The solution is simple, your mother is being overly-unreasonably. No one deserves to be forced into an unhappy relationship.


if i was you i would tell my mother each and every night after lots of dua that i am unhappy in this marriage, untill she allows me freedome from it


how you do it is upto you



who knows perhaps Allah will place rahmah in between you and your wife


but if not, divorce is an option (a last resort option) for a reason
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siddy
10-21-2008, 07:31 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Mz
then stop wasting time, talk to all the necessary people - your mum - her relatives


explain your feelings, be honest.

tell them you've tried your best and would like another chance with another wife.



The solution is simple, your mother is being overly-unreasonably. No one deserves to be forced into an unhappy relationship.


if i was you i would tell my mother each and every night after lots of dua that i am unhappy in this marriage, untill she allows me freedome from it


how you do it is upto you



who knows perhaps Allah will place rahmah in between you and your wife


but if not, divorce is an option (a last resort option) for a reason

Inshallah i will talk to my mum when she comes back from pakistan.

The reason why i have not said anything for 2 years is because i ma scared of the consequences. I a scared of something hapening to my mum.

I have also been told that what ever i do to my parents or treat them badly then the same is going to happen to me when or if i have any children.
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IbnAbdulHakim
10-21-2008, 07:37 PM
^ then it comes down to , do you truelly believe your treating them badly?

or do you believe, for their sake, you have made great sacrifices and gone through a great trial. Let them know, hopefully Allah will be pleased with you, and your parents will be pleased with you !


inshaAllaah
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Zahida
10-21-2008, 07:38 PM
:sl: Youg man you are confusing me............^o) You have had a relationship with this girl.............but not actually saying that what is it about her that you cannot accept her.............. It was ok for you to sleep with her? Ok she is your wife and you have rights but you weren't accepting her........ maybe you could have tried accepting her in a different way not physically?????? and then when you had accepted her then slept with her. Girls that come from Pakistan have a different view of life they are not as open as to the youths here. This has nothing to do with religion. What will happen if you divorce her now??? I feel that you have knowingly used her, because you yourself are admitting from day one you were not happy, sleeping with someone does not change your happiness.

I am going to be frank with you. I think you are selfish and you are as much to blame. I feel that your family are bullying you and you are letting them do this to you? How old are you???????

It seems that you really haven't given your marraige time to "grow".... I would advise you to pray Istikhaara, but first find contentment with yourself..........What is all this nonsense about believing there is somebody else out there???????? Give yourself and her a chance and be honest!!!!!!!:enough!::w:
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Afraa
10-21-2008, 07:56 PM
Assalama caelykum Siddy,

I don't believe how you feel is bad and you shouldn't be ashamed of it. Trust me i know alot about biting your tongue about certain issues when it come to parents.

But your not only jeapodizing your happiness but your wife as well. You can't do it by yourself if you tried making it work.

Inshallah, everything will work out accordingly but you need to talk to your mother and tell her whats going on. Am sure she will understand, and it might be easier now that children aren't involved.

Best of luck to you and inshallah whats meant to be will be.


btw: what does thavies mean?
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siddy
10-21-2008, 08:38 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Zahida
:sl: Youg man you are confusing me............^o) You have had a relationship with this girl.............but not actually saying that what is it about her that you cannot accept her.............. It was ok for you to sleep with her? Ok she is your wife and you have rights but you weren't accepting her........ maybe you could have tried accepting her in a different way not physically?????? and then when you had accepted her then slept with her. Girls that come from Pakistan have a different view of life they are not as open as to the youths here. This has nothing to do with religion. What will happen if you divorce her now??? I feel that you have knowingly used her, because you yourself are admitting from day one you were not happy, sleeping with someone does not change your happiness.

I am going to be frank with you. I think you are selfish and you are as much to blame. I feel that your family are bullying you and you are letting them do this to you? How old are you???????

It seems that you really haven't given your marraige time to "grow".... I would advise you to pray Istikhaara, but first find contentment with yourself..........What is all this nonsense about believing there is somebody else out there???????? Give yourself and her a chance and be honest!!!!!!!:enough!::w:
I only slept with her when i was trying to make the marriage work. i tried to make the mariage work after i saw my mum in tears which made me sad. And this is when i started thinking life is short, live the days as it comes and enjoy the next life. I still waent happy but was doing it for my parents.

So from that day at night we chated, i had nothing to say to her but still tried, this happened for a few days and it just when on from there.


Honestly i have not used her. nor it was my intention

Isint 2 years enough time for a marriage to grow?

i am 21 years old, honestly i wish i had never maried at an early age, but its happened now

I just cant understand and cant get over the fact why i hadent been shown who i was going to get married to.

i will take your advice and pray istikhaara.
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Zahida
10-21-2008, 09:38 PM
:sl: Ok little bro you are still a baby........ Bless you!

My point was that you could have done something else rather than have a sexual relationship with her whilst you were still fighting your feelings..........

I admire that your mums tears motivated you to try to work at the marraige, but it's YOU that is married to this girl............. You have to make it work it won't work just because your mum wants it to.

No little man two years for a marraige to grow is nothing......... you learn something new about each other everyday..........also people change likes/dislikes etc etc eople change with age and maturity, circumstances etc .........etc

Why you never said to your parents that you would like to see the girl is your fault also......... you had that right but unfortunately didn't use it.

Thankyou little one for taking my advice to pray istikhaara. I will pray for you also May Allah Bless you with his Rehmat, guide you and ease your troubles ..AMEEN.

Yeh samjhna k aap ne kissi auntie se baat ki aur meri baatoun ka bura nai maana. OK. Good Luck and take care.:thumbs_up
format_quote Originally Posted by siddy
I only slept with her when i was trying to make the marriage work. i tried to make the mariage work after i saw my mum in tears which made me sad. And this is when i started thinking life is short, live the days as it comes and enjoy the next life. I still waent happy but was doing it for my parents.

So from that day at night we chated, i had nothing to say to her but still tried, this happened for a few days and it just when on from there.


Honestly i have not used her. nor it was my intention

Isint 2 years enough time for a marriage to grow?

i am 21 years old, honestly i wish i had never maried at an early age, but its happened now

I just cant understand and cant get over the fact why i hadent been shown who i was going to get married to.

i will take your advice and pray istikhaara.
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maryam87
10-22-2008, 12:39 AM
I just want to say that I feel 100times more sorry for ur wife then you. And im sure most of the sister would agree with me

I mean I believe your being very cruel letting this relationship go on firstly being 21 is not that young, u need to grow up and be a man.

I know this may sound harsh but the fact that this girl has been married to u for 2 years and had no attention from u and also knew from day 1 that u didn’t want her, but seems like she is still being patient with u tells a lot about her character

Let me tell u one thing girls like that are extremely hard to find. Personally if I was married n my husband was treating me like that I would have never stayed that long in the relationship. Girls are very emotional they need to feel loved and deserved.

If u can’t learn to love her then leave her and inshallah Allah (swt) will give her someone who deserves her and with see the good qualities in her.

Just wanted to end this with a hadith
The prophet (pbuh) said:
“Let not muslim male entertain malice against a muslim female. He may dislike one habit in her, but may find another in her which is pleasing”

You must prepare yourself mentally for the fact that everyone has shortcomings or faults that you do not like. You must in this case remember her good characteristics. By ignoring her faults and shortcomings and remembering her good personal traits, you will maintain relationships with her and would subsequently feel in a state of relaxation and peace. If you cant do that brother then you should be aware it would be hard to be happy in any marriage

You need to have a REALISTIC not IDEALISTIC view of life to be happy
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siddy
10-22-2008, 08:58 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by maryam87
I just want to say that I feel 100times more sorry for ur wife then you. And im sure most of the sister would agree with me

I mean I believe your being very cruel letting this relationship go on firstly being 21 is not that young, u need to grow up and be a man.

I know this may sound harsh but the fact that this girl has been married to u for 2 years and had no attention from u and also knew from day 1 that u didn’t want her, but seems like she is still being patient with u tells a lot about her character

Let me tell u one thing girls like that are extremely hard to find. Personally if I was married n my husband was treating me like that I would have never stayed that long in the relationship. Girls are very emotional they need to feel loved and deserved.

If u can’t learn to love her then leave her and inshallah Allah (swt) will give her someone who deserves her and with see the good qualities in her.

Just wanted to end this with a hadith
The prophet (pbuh) said:
“Let not muslim male entertain malice against a muslim female. He may dislike one habit in her, but may find another in her which is pleasing”

You must prepare yourself mentally for the fact that everyone has shortcomings or faults that you do not like. You must in this case remember her good characteristics. By ignoring her faults and shortcomings and remembering her good personal traits, you will maintain relationships with her and would subsequently feel in a state of relaxation and peace. If you cant do that brother then you should be aware it would be hard to be happy in any marriage

You need to have a REALISTIC not IDEALISTIC view of life to be happy

The only reason why my wife has not said anything is because she doesent want to upset my mum. other then that she would ave gone back
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IbnAbdulHakim
10-22-2008, 09:54 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by siddy
The only reason why my wife has not said anything is because she doesent want to upset my mum. other then that she would ave gone back
to be honest bro... that is kind of amazing..


but subhanAllaah sisters need to realise IF THIS BRO FEELS LIKE HE TRUELLY HAS TRIED TO LOVE HER AND SIMPLY CANT THEN THERE IS NO BLAMING HIM!

subhanAllah Allah is the one who places love in the hearts of whom he desires, if this bro cant love this sister then allahu a'lam but staying in such a relationship cant be healthy !
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AnonymousPoster
10-22-2008, 04:47 PM
:sl:
dear brother in islam,
im really not trying to be inquisitive but we can only n only give you a good solution if you tell us that exactly wht is the problem with your wife??
is it her looks?
is it her style?
wht is it??

if you feel comfortable in telling

masalam!
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Adiva
10-22-2008, 05:44 PM
Salaam brother..I know of friends who have gone through exactly the same situ as you. In the case of one of my friends he is now married with a girl from Pakistan with a child and has been for 8 years..he was going to divorce her but found out she was pregnant..he is far from happy but as he puts it existing for his families sake.

I can see that you hold you family very dear to ur heart Alhamdulillah. I agree with the brothers and sisters that have relpied..ur marriage and its cicumstances were purely cultural..the way it was all done..not islamic..a forced marriage if ur lucky can last if your not it turns into a life of suffering. If you choose to walk away (and your wife seems like she wants that to) don't blame yourself...your mum wants to see you happy..but i know that what people say does get in the way..pride..if she loves you she will come round..when she sees that you are happy..everyone seems comfortable in the situation and fears change...you have to understand that change can be messy especially when family get involved..but first and foremost if YOU are strong no one can say anything..this is your life! Your parents lived their life their happiness should now be in yours..

Imagine having kids with your wife..do you feel you will be able to give them a secure and loving upbringing..my parents are the ideal husband and wife..masha allah..iv grown up seeing that...its helped me to realise what a relationship should be like..if i had grown up with instability it would really have affected me and my relationships with my husband..its a knock on effect..

Pray pray pray for answers..go Umrah if you can..thats where i got all my answers..but remember..not to sound morbid but when we die..no one else is jumping into that grave with us..we are on our own..Deep down you know the actions you need to take..only you know the situation your in.. insha allah it will be sorted..
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siddy
10-22-2008, 06:16 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Adiva
Salaam brother..I know of friends who have gone through exactly the same situ as you. In the case of one of my friends he is now married with a girl from Pakistan with a child and has been for 8 years..he was going to divorce her but found out she was pregnant..he is far from happy but as he puts it existing for his families sake.

I can see that you hold you family very dear to ur heart Alhamdulillah. I agree with the brothers and sisters that have relpied..ur marriage and its cicumstances were purely cultural..the way it was all done..not islamic..a forced marriage if ur lucky can last if your not it turns into a life of suffering. If you choose to walk away (and your wife seems like she wants that to) don't blame yourself...your mum wants to see you happy..but i know that what people say does get in the way..pride..if she loves you she will come round..when she sees that you are happy..everyone seems comfortable in the situation and fears change...you have to understand that change can be messy especially when family get involved..but first and foremost if YOU are strong no one can say anything..this is your life! Your parents lived their life their happiness should now be in yours..

Imagine having kids with your wife..do you feel you will be able to give them a secure and loving upbringing..my parents are the ideal husband and wife..masha allah..iv grown up seeing that...its helped me to realise what a relationship should be like..if i had grown up with instability it would really have affected me and my relationships with my husband..its a knock on effect..

Pray pray pray for answers..go Umrah if you can..thats where i got all my answers..but remember..not to sound morbid but when we die..no one else is jumping into that grave with us..we are on our own..Deep down you know the actions you need to take..only you know the situation your in.. insha allah it will be sorted..
:sl: when i read this post i just bursted in to tears,

i know what actions to take but i fear of loosing my family, but i am going to sit down with my mum and tell her everything that i have feard of saying to her.

:w:
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siddy
10-22-2008, 06:19 PM
im going to get ready for Isha, will be back
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Adiva
10-22-2008, 06:27 PM
Salaam.. Im just speaking from my heart..you love your family..as i do mine..i would not advise you unless i know that what i am saying i could do myself...pray for strength..insha allah the rest will come with it.. Trust in allah..things get worse before they get better..I chose my husband..my parents were not happy..they didnt speak to me for months..but i shoved my pride to one side and kept going back over and over again...evrytime i had a door shut in my face..hurtful words to hear.but it was ok...because now my parents know that i love them..and yes i made my own choice in husband...but my imaan is intact and i would do anything for them...time heals..but u hav to allow it to...it will be tough...just be prepared to have patience..lots of it..and stay calm...ur mum will be upset..say things to u..but know that she doesnt mean it...these are human emotions..she is only human..in time when the dust settles and she sees u are happier and always there to defend her she will understand..My parents feared what people would say..but before people could get to them...i spoke to these so called people and made them see my side first..it worked..no one has till this day approached my parents about the matter...you have to be strong for her...
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Adiva
10-22-2008, 09:52 PM
:sl:
Does anyone know a dua that can be recited if one fears that their husband may be looking to be with another woman..happiness in marriage.. i would be so grateful if there was any such specific dua
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seeker-of-light
10-22-2008, 11:27 PM
ask for allah to guide you. i think it would be best for you to have a divorce from her though, since neither of you are even want to stay married. i am not sure what to tell you, but i will pray for you that you may find the answer to your question. may allah (swt) bless you!
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Yanal
10-22-2008, 11:33 PM
Its partly your fault brother. If you didn't go to the nikkah. What do you mean you don't like her is she ugly is it her attitude?
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brotherinfaith
10-22-2008, 11:48 PM
there is a saying which says ahlu makkata adra bi chi3abiha which means people of mecca know better its streets,there is no one who can solve your problem but you brother and asking many people will just make you more confused.as you know god will always help us when we pray sincerely and god didn't create us to be miserable but we make ourselves so.you are young and parhaps you are looking for some sympathie from the members here and that is a natural reaction for someone who doesn't have courage to make his own decisions because the members here tried to give you all possible solutions but you just insist that your problems is a very difficult one and that is not right because you are not the first one who will have a divorce or the one who married a cousin and had problems.
in life no one can make decisions for us even our parents and you know brother problems are like a cancer if you let them grow they just become worse and the first wrong step you made was to accept the mariage even if you knew your father did the wrong choice for you and there is a very small detail that i want to tell you is that there is a difference between weakness and love and what you showed was just weakness because you didn't have enough courage to make what ou believed to be right and you accepted the situation then,also you didn't give yourself an opportunity to see if the marriage will work or not but you doomed it from the moment you knew who you were married to and that fear will always a bariier between you and your wife and i don't think after such exprience your opinion of marriage will eb a positive one so you are storing problems for the future too when you let the situation last for long.
what i advice you is to see a muslim psychiatric and to pray a lot for guidance as god loves to hear the voice of his servant asking him
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brotherinfaith
10-22-2008, 11:56 PM
no sister i don't know such prayer but there is a prayer which says ''allahuma jma3 baynana iza jama3ta 3ala khair wa fari9 baynana iza fara9ta ila khair '' and this is for the brother who has problems too
ق=9 ع=3 the numbers replace those letters if you speak arabik you will know what i mean
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MouadsWife
10-23-2008, 09:30 PM
Salam Siddy! When I logge on to this website for the frist time yesterday, your post was the first one seen. After reading your post there is so much that I understand because I have experienced the same feelings, and I hope you do not mind me adding my experience so maybe it will help your descision that you have to make.

When I lived at home as a teenager it was not be best time of my life. Not the childhood any child should have had and there was no escape it seemed. When I was 18 I met my husband. I did not want to get married, he did. Then the 'so called moment of truth' happened at home and I left and we got married. I thought this was my answer to a better life. It wasn't. I will say from the beginning that I did not love him and he did not me either. Basically I was the trophy wife and thats why he wanted to get married since ur probably wondering why he wanted to get married but did not love me. For yours we coexisted. I thought I could come to love him. What else did I have? I thought I did later in fact love him. But only realized it was a brotherly love and thats all. I could not even bear a single touch. I tried very hard to make it into what the marriage should be. He did to. He said he loved me but it was only fear in losing what he held that made him feel that way. In an effort to make things 'better' I had the idea to have children. I had a daughter and I named her Sarah after the wife of Abhraham. I thought this is my good luck name. She will be happy, she will be good, she will be pure and have a fullfilling life. But my husband tempter and moods weighed in too much and it had too much of an impact on her. I tried to keep my unhappiness from her. The arguing. I tired to play the perfect family. She is 14 now. Unhappy. Moody. Angry. Makes poor grades. But... underneath all that she had a heart of gold and is the most loving child. So I think all is not all lost. Now with her antidepressants, and i have been to for the last 20 years 'until now' I decided in order to keep her in tack before things go to worse I was going ask for a divorce. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I wont go into that. I found that after 20 years of an unhappy marriage I never needed antidepressants. The day I asked for the divorce and told what I had been hiding in my heart for 20 years was the most relieving day of my life. I felt a big burden had been lifted off of me. I got a job and moved away where it would be safer for us. I have a job. I am very happy, and I am engaged to a man whom I love with all my heart. I have discovered that in my whole life I have never felt love before. Its hard to explain what you feel when your in love. This man, who I am engaged to, never in a million years would I have imagined how my life would have changed. You see I was raised in a house without God, I have however been a christian for 13 years. The man I met is Muslim. He currently lives in Morocco and I am going there in February to be married. My life will change dramatically bc once I convert, I will lose my family (not my daughter bc she is more loyal than anyone to me on the face of this earth), but I will lose my parents, most likely my friends and my job too. Do I care? Not a bit. The love that I finally and getting to experience for this person is more that all I own, more than anything a person can possess, and I would sacrifice anything and give up all to stand beside him and call him my husband. That is how love is suppsed to feel. It feels as if your body cannot hold the heart in your chest bc it is so big. How you would rather die a thousand deaths that the disappoint the one you love, how it feels you cant breath until you see them again. I can go on an on. You are young. I am 40 years old and my life is half over. But even though, I feel as if I am 18 years old again, and starting my life over. I feel I am blessed to have to rest of my life with the one I love. You should be that blessed to. I am afraid your sorrow will only grow as mind did. Ask yourself how we can be good servants of Allah if we wake each day with this sadness and burden in our hearts? Your life is not over, it has just begun. All you have to do is decide you you want to live it? Do you want to see smiles on your childrens faces and know they will have enternal joy in theyre hearts? Children are very observant you know. Mine was. I will quit rattling on and on, and pray I have not overstepped my bounds. I pray that you will make the decision so that you will have a happy and fulfilling life, the life that Allah would want you to have. The life that you want to have. And the life that you dreamed of. May Allah bless you!
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buddy1
10-23-2008, 09:40 PM
Friend

Whats to say that the two of you rcould get along great as friends, not husband and wife, I think the most honorable thing you can do is put both of you out of your misery and grant her the divorce and then you can gt on with your life as can she.

your happiness is just as important as others.

i hope that make sense!! :)
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Adiva
10-27-2008, 06:21 PM
As salam alekum Peace be upon you

brother in faith jazakhalla for the dua..where is it from and do u know what its used for?
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streamgold
04-03-2009, 04:25 PM
Hello....i think the best thing you can go for is counselling....those advice of live and look for another man is not the solution.what of you've left and look for another that one behave samething?
Seek counselling here

http://tinyurl.com/cxt5a9
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