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tchentoali
10-27-2008, 11:54 PM
Assalam Aleikum brothers and sisters, my problem is that a sister of mine has strayed from faith completely and is being a hypocrite, today i got rare opportunity of going through her inbox and being born into a strong muslim family, the information shocked me, she drinks alcohol, smokes marijuana, and commits zina. i am currently printitng out the evidence to confront her but i am so angry i dont think i can look her in the eye. please help with some suggestions. maasalam
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Ibn Abi Ahmed
10-28-2008, 02:02 AM
:sl:

Thread Approved.
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جوري
10-28-2008, 02:16 AM
sob7an Allah akhi..
1- you commit the sin of spying!

The Qur'an 42:47 speaks of forgiveness, "And those who avoid major sins and immoralities and when angry they forgive" The glorious Qur'an (15:58) speaks also of kindness and wing lowering, "and lower your wing (show kindness) to the believers." In addition to these two virtues, the Qur'an 5:54 talks about humility, "they are humble toward the believers." Getting angry is nothing to be proud of; it is not even a sign of strength. The Prophet (peace and blessings be unto him) said," Strong is not the one who wrestles others to the ground, but strong is the one who controls himself when angry." The Prophet (peace and blessings be unto him) said, "I am warning you of zun which is thinking badly of others; zun is the most unreliable form of interaction; don't follow each other's shortcomings; don't spy on each other; don't envy each other; don't hate one another; don't plan evil to each other; be true servants of Allah-brothers in faith." The last four virtues of forgiveness, kindness, humility and zun-avoidance bundle together to develop a shield against anger.
Sahih International: O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah ; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful. [Surah Al Hujuraat, 49:12]
2- and secondly, in lieu of gentle advise, you want to print out evidence against her?
you shouldn't stab people in their chastity and blackmail them...

I am not sure what is more disappointing, her actions, or your reaction!

:w:
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The Khan
10-28-2008, 02:19 AM
:sl:

All I can say is, she will hate you if you confront her even more than you hate her.

Why?

Because I committed the first two sins which she's committing. Blatantly. I used to hate it when family used to confront me about it, and used foul language in front of them, astaghfirullah. Later on, I reverted, alhamdulilah.

She's going to hate you for poking into her private life. Nobody likes their privacy being interfered with.

What would I suggest? Reverse psychology. Works most of the time.

:w:
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ATR
10-28-2008, 02:48 AM
Originally Posted by tchentoali
Assalam Aleikum brothers and sisters, my problem is that a sister of mine has strayed from faith completely and is being a hypocrite, today i got rare opportunity of going through her inbox and being born into a strong muslim family, the information shocked me, she drinks alcohol, smokes marijuana, and commits zina. i am currently printitng out the evidence to confront her but i am so angry i dont think i can look her in the eye. please help with some suggestions. maasalam
Did you have permission to go through her inbox? If not I would say you should look at yourself first.

I was told a story of a man who was caught drinking alcohol in his backyard. I cannot recall the Califa who approached him, my father told me this story. The man pointed out to the Califa that firstly Islam says one must knock before entering, one must not enter the house from behind and one must ask permission to enter. None of this the Califa.

Her sins are between herself and God. If she knows she is doing something wrong, and she is an adult, you will probably make matters worse by confronting her.
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ATR
10-28-2008, 07:51 AM
Let me apologize.

I was being a little too harsh. While I do not think it was right of you to spy on your sister I can also understand your shock and pain.

I learned things about my own siblings, after friending them on facebook, that I did not expect, thinks that my parents would be shocked about. It isn't easy to find out that people are not who they say they are.

Give your sister time. I also find when you confront someone and accuse them it tends to not work very well. They end up on the defensive and will probably push you away. I know if my own family confronted me about several things on my facebook profile I would immediately jump to the defensive and push them away [like having a Priest for a friend] I am less inclined to listen to them. In fact I am more likely to ignore them and to even dislike them for it.

Maybe there are things that are driving her towards these acts? Alcohol and drugs especially. Preer pressure or simply problems in her lift? Maybe instead try to be supportive to her in other things. I am not saying approve of her actions, don't even bring them up. Just be a good sibling to her and perhaps in times, maybe she will bring them up herself or stop on her own. I don't think it is very easy for her. Especially with alcohol and drugs being the cool things to do, peer pressure and such.

I hope this helps.:coolious:
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ATR
10-28-2008, 07:53 AM
Originally Posted by Alpha Dude™
How about you talked to her as often as you can about how such and such sin is totally disgusting and you can't understand how anybody would do it.

Basically, try and make her feel guilty through such discussions.
I don't think that would work. Instead of helping her you would be making her feel even worse. You would be pushing her away. My parents do something similar, though not for the same sins, and all it does for me is make me very angry and hurt and does nothing to stop one from sinning.
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buddy1
10-28-2008, 08:12 AM
I think you should find articles in newspapers (you can find the archives on most big newspapers websites) and find stuff about kids getting illnesses from smoking weed, also there is always plenty of articles about what alcohol is doing to the youth of today, show her what she is letting herself in for and say, things like, oh i could be friends with someone who breaches my faith in such a ridiculous way etc, so in a sense making her feel guilty but showing her the facts too! :)
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julie sarri
10-28-2008, 11:19 AM
The best thing to do is to remind her of her deen gently and kindly becouse normally if you rush right in and start saying i know you have been doing all this she will totally do the opposite of what you want and hate you for it.But if you do it with kindness she will not be able to hate you for being nice maybe try and get her to visit the masjid or a women's circle to encourage her with good activities try and get in to meet practising sisters.
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nadia85
10-28-2008, 11:22 AM
just talke 2 her calmely she will probly been annoyed u went through her mail
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IbnAbdulHakim
10-28-2008, 11:26 AM
bro she had gone that far and you couldnt tell without checking her email?


seriously?


subhanAllah your family needs more control, stop giving your sister so much freedome because she is only using it to oppress herself.

even i dont allow myself that much freedome, its not good !
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maryam87
10-28-2008, 11:42 AM
Originally Posted by Mz
bro she had gone that far and you couldnt tell without checking her email?


seriously?


subhanAllah your family needs more control, stop giving your sister so much freedome because she is only using it to oppress herself.

even i dont allow myself that much freedome, its not good !
i sooo agree, how does one drink and smoke without anyone from the family knowing?
Man if i did one of those acts i wouldnt be typing this ill be buried 6 feet under lol
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Anette
10-28-2008, 12:15 PM
Originally Posted by tchentoali
Assalam Aleikum brothers and sisters, my problem is that a sister of mine has strayed from faith completely and is being a hypocrite, today i got rare opportunity of going through her inbox and being born into a strong muslim family, the information shocked me, she drinks alcohol, smokes marijuana, and commits zina. i am currently printitng out the evidence to confront her but i am so angry i dont think i can look her in the eye. please help with some suggestions. maasalam
I suppose you had your suspicions, otherwise you would nog going through her inbox?

I understand your feelings. I think it will be very difficult to hide anything at this time.

I´t is never a good time to confront anyone when you are in a state of shock and it´s a risk that it even ending up in a worse position than before. Try to calm down and have a serious talk with her. Explain the fear that you have and the destruction drugs will end in. Talk of love instead of angryness.

I hope it will ends up well.
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Danah
10-28-2008, 12:50 PM
I think that its your duty to be responsible for her
like brother Mz said......you gave her more freedom and yet you are worrying about telling her or not....what she did is completely haram no one can deny it.
if you keep silent you will be even worse then her on the sin
regardless you checked her inbox.....thats another issue what happened have haapened but you are in front of a very dangerous situation, for now you need to start your move immediately and save her before she go even worse

and as Anette said, I you had your suspicions from the beginning thats why you checked her inbox

Ibn 'Umar, may Allah be pleased with them, reported:
The Prophet (may peace be upon him) said: every one of you is a caretaker, and is responsible for his consignment. The ruler is a caretaker of people, and is responsible for his subjects. A man is a caretaker of his family, and is responsible for them. A woman is a caretaker of her husband's house and children, and is responsible for them. A slave is a caretaker of his master's property, and is responsible for it. All of you are caretakers, and all of you are responsible for their consignment.
so make sure that you are doing your job here.
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MO783
10-28-2008, 01:21 PM
:sl:

I am sorry you are going through this, May Allah give you and your family Sabar
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seeker-of-light
10-28-2008, 09:51 PM
i can understand your concern. so many people these days get tied up in such stupid things like drinking and smoking, its difficult to not try to stop these things when you see someone you love and care about destroying themselves by doing this. i would politely confront her about it, but dont start yelling at her or anything just tell her you know what she has been doing and tell her why she shouldnt do such bas things like that.
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The Khan
10-29-2008, 11:13 AM
Originally Posted by maryam87
i sooo agree, how does one drink and smoke without anyone from the family knowing?
Man if i did one of those acts i wouldnt be typing this ill be buried 6 feet under lol
When I was a delinquent, my family didn't know that I did some of the very same things for around almost 2 years. Usually, parents and family think that "other people's kids" are likely to do such things and never suspect their own.

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Karl
10-29-2008, 11:56 AM
Originally Posted by tchentoali
Assalam Aleikum brothers and sisters, my problem is that a sister of mine has strayed from faith completely and is being a hypocrite, today i got rare opportunity of going through her inbox and being born into a strong muslim family, the information shocked me, she drinks alcohol, smokes marijuana, and commits zina. i am currently printitng out the evidence to confront her but i am so angry i dont think i can look her in the eye. please help with some suggestions. maasalam
Assalam Aleikum It is best if you do not confront her but discuss it with her father first. As he is head of the house and should know what's going on.
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IbnAbdulHakim
10-29-2008, 12:09 PM
Originally Posted by The Khan
When I was a delinquent, my family didn't know that I did some of the very same things for around almost 2 years. Usually, parents and family think that "other people's kids" are likely to do such things and never suspect their own.
or maybe they were in denial, and didnt want to admit it.


either way, its sad that this has been able to stay undercover for so long, shows the family isnt working well together...
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Ansariyah
10-29-2008, 12:35 PM
u shudnt have spied. Now that u know, u have to tell ur sister the truth.
You can start by telling her that you love her and dont like to see her die upon the path she's walking upon. If you are practisin, try to get your sister to spend more time with you.

Avoid to humiliate her, or in anyway degrade her. Allah can forgive her, but if you are mean to her, its worse. Imagine, maybe u are her only hope, and if u do something to her that hurts she will distance herself from you. And fall deeper and deeper into the gutter.

Truth is no one wants to stay in darkness, we just need someone kind enuff to pull us out of the dirt and remind us that yes we failed, but we are human and we can change. Allah is the judge. We have to help each other, thas our duty towards one another.
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tchentoali
10-30-2008, 06:50 AM
Thanks to all of you for helping me out in the darkest hour of my life, not even past issues have tied me down like this one im currently facing, InshAllah Allah guide me in what i will do. Maasalam
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Ansariyah
10-30-2008, 02:32 PM
Originally Posted by Yanoorah
u shudnt have spied. Now that u know, u have to tell ur sister the truth.
You can start by telling her that you love her and dont like to see her die upon the path she's walking upon. If you are practisin, try to get your sister to spend more time with you.

Avoid to humiliate her, or in anyway degrade her. Allah can forgive her, but if you are mean to her, its worse. Imagine, maybe u are her only hope, and if u do something to her that hurts she will distance herself from you. And fall deeper and deeper into the gutter.

Truth is no one wants to stay in darkness, we just need someone kind enuff to pull us out of the dirt and remind us that yes we failed, but we are human and we can change. Allah is the judge. We have to help each other, thas our duty towards one another.
I jst wnted 2 add this to my post!

(Al Imran 3:159)

And by the Mercy of Allah, you dealt with them gently. And had you been severe and harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about you; so pass over (their faults), and ask (Allah's) Forgiveness for them; and consult them in the affair. Then when you have taken a decision, put your trust in Allah, certainly, Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him).
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Ayesha Rana
10-30-2008, 02:47 PM
if ur her big bro then i'd say it's ur right to keep n ey on her though u cant expose her sin to someone ele without a good reason unless she openly committed it.

Julie Sarri's suggestion sounds good Masha'llah. Try taking her to places were she will be in good company. iman comes first...then the rules. that's how Allah revealed the qur'an so it's the best method Insha'Allah. if the arabs were told to stop drinking from the start the streets of Makkah would never have flowed witht the wine they threw away. May Allah help u and He is with those hu are patient.
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The Khan
10-30-2008, 02:52 PM
Originally Posted by Mz
or maybe they were in denial, and didnt want to admit it.


either way, its sad that this has been able to stay undercover for so long, shows the family isnt working well together...
Actually, by family, I meant "my mother's family". My father didn't mind... I told him immediately. My parents are divorced, and I keep switching where I live according to my mood.

However, my mother didn't realise until one day I forgot to use perfume and a mouth freshner after smoking a cigarette and going over to her place. Then, the usual family bombardment - uncles and aunts living from Saudi, UAE, etc calling up and shouting at me, etc etc. It had the opposite effect, made me go into drinking. When they discovered that as well, I went into marijuana. Then tried LSD. Then I developed Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder and my life went haywire. Alhamdulilah, this curse ended up turning my way around and ended up guiding me towards Islam. I realised that Allah (SWT) always has his way of guiding us misguided ones back to him. It was such a torture initially...reading Salat and seeing the textures of your prayer mat change into skulls and monsters...

From what's happened to me, I can confirm that confronting a delinquent family member will have the opposite effect of what you desire.
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