Not marrying, is it a big sin?

[Argamemnon]

Am I condemned to hellfire, if I never marry (which is probably going to be the case)? Even if I pray and give charity and do other good deeds, and stay away from haram things during my entire life?

[IbnAbdulHakim]

how about this


you live without marriage inshaAllah - but the very second you get tempted into zina - zina being even staring at a brother-sister/speaking to him-her in soft ways etc - you will give up the idea of never marrying.


:) sound good?

[Argamemnon]

That's not zina. And I'm a brother.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

Zina refers to unlawful sexual intercourse. It can also be used to refer to other sexual improprieties--such as looking at someone other than one's spouse with desire, which the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) referred to as the "zina of the eyes."

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[Argamemnon]

I'm 32 years old, I'm asking a serious question dear brothers and sisters.

[Argamemnon]

I can't edit my message?

[IbnAbdulHakim]

^ i gave a very serious answer


so serious infact that i did not even smile


even at this moment, my eyebrows are slightly perched - THAT serious !

[IbnAbdulHakim]

I can't edit my message?

you need 50 posts first, silly rule eh? :p

[Argamemnon]

^ i gave a very serious answer


so serious infact that i did not even smile


even at this moment, my eyebrows are slightly perched - THAT serious !

Well, I agree with you but that's not exactly an answer to my question. Let's wait and see what others have to say. I will ignore the other guy and people like him/her. Please do not answer if you can't answer in a serious and respectable manner.

[Ali.]

Nah, it's not. But very encouraged!

It is narrated by Anas that the Messenger of Allah said: "When a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion, so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half."

[IbnAbdulHakim]

^ i stand by my first statement


you seem to think your desires shall never surface - try it !and the SECOND you even TIHNK slightly about a woman in bad ways, you give up the idea !

[Argamemnon]

Thank you Ali. I don't want to talk about my life here and why I may decide not to marry, but there are reasons. Being a good Muslim is my only goal in life, so I was afraid that all my good deeds would be in vain, if I didn't marry.

[Ayesha Rana]

the prophet (saw) said, 'He who does not get married is not of my ummah' or something on those lines...im just fishing up the exact wording and reference insha'Allah...

[Argamemnon]

Exactly, that's why I'm asking. It sounds terrifying; I will probably burn in hell. No escape for me.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

Exactly, that's why I'm asking. It sounds terrifying; I will probably burn in hell. No escape for me.

nooo!

you cant allow yourself to think like that!


the believer fears hell WHILE ALL THE TIME hoping for Allahs mercy!

[Argamemnon]

True :)

[AnonymousPoster]

Exactly, that's why I'm asking. It sounds terrifying; I will probably burn in hell. No escape for me.

Don't think like that,

think of it this way, a believer can do good deeds all his life and wan moment before death do something that'll make him destined for hell,

And vise versa,

You can't be sure of these things,

You can't say you're going to hell and leave it there,

I know it can be toguh,

And it was meant to be tough for us akhi, else it wouldn't be much of a test,

Now look me in the eyes (not literally) and tell me you don't understand Allaah gave us these tests our job is to pass them,

It's gonna be a rough ride, but you're gonna get through it!

InshaAllaah

poKe.

[Ali.]

I will probably burn in hell. No escape for me.

Nobody knows that. I hope nobody's been telling you that you're off to hell because the truth is only Allah [swt] knows.

[Ayesha Rana]

Volume 7, Book 62, Number 3:
Narrated 'Alqama:

While I was with Abdullah, 'Uthman met him at Mina and said, "O Abu 'Abdur-Rahman ! I have something to say to you." So both of them went aside and 'Uthman said, "O Abu 'Abdur-Rah. man! Shall we marry you to a virgin who will make you remember your past days?" When 'Abdullah felt that he was not in need of that, he beckoned me (to join him) saying, "O 'Alqama!" Then I heard him saying (in reply to 'Uthman), "As you have said that, (I tell you that) the Prophet once said to us, 'O young people! Whoever among you is able to marry, should marry, and whoever is not able to marry, is recommended to fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Volume 7, Book 62, Number 4:
Narrated 'Abdullah:

We were with the Prophet while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah's Apostle said, "O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power."

Volume 7, Book 62, Number 27:
Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers.


The above are compiled by Imam Bukhari

The Holy Qur'an reads: (And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.[30:21].

[Argamemnon]

A lot of other Muslims scare me with their hell threats :cry:

[Ayesha Rana]

ur just gonna end up scaring urself and you can't condemn urself to hell so there. That's Allah's decision.

If u have a real problem and u want to please Allah them ask Him sincerely and He will open a path for u Insha'Allah

[Argamemnon]

I meant "a lot of Muslims"..

[Ayesha Rana]

alot is not all. and everyone is not right. stick to the qur'an and sunnah and don't let people lead u aside. if they threaten u it's probably because they care for u. Allah knows.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

A lot of other Muslims scare me with their hell threats :cry:

i cant help but find that funny,


you mean they say "you will go to helL!"


hmm, i think its kinda good, its a reminder right? bro take heed! we should all be prepared for the day of judgement (to avoid hell).

be careful of the "NO YOU WILL GO TO HELL INSTEAD D.A.M.N YOU" attitude, stay humble inshAllah

[Argamemnon]

Well, since I'm not a young person anymore it has become much easier to lower my gaze, lol.

[IbnAbdulHakim]

Well, since I'm not a young person anymore it has become much easier to lower my gaze, lol.

but i know so many men your age who commit zina...

you are not 60 brother (and i even know people at that age who are active)

brother, you know what is best for your islaam, if you can get yourself to care only about the here-after, marriage shouldnt be a problem inshAllah.

[Argamemnon]

Thank you for your replies dear brothers and sisters. English is not my first language, I live in the Netherlands.

[Ayesha Rana]

The prophet was much older when he married most of his wives. and he's our example. Anyway Alahu a'lam

[Questfortruth]

Why would a Muslim single man not want to get married? My dad told all of my family that we have to wait till we are 27 or 30 to get married. The next year my sister went out and got married. lol I dont know why my parents compare muslim youth to Non muslim Youth?

[Argamemnon]

I have chronic mental health problems and don't think I could handle having a family and raise children. It's my fate to live a lonely life, but I will do everything I can to become a good Muslim.

[جوري]

lots of people don't get married.. my dad's friend is fifty something and unmarried.. he never had a desire to....
I don't think anyone knows for sure where anyone is going in the here after.. seems silly to ask such a question do forgive me.. but how can anyone here know you better than you?-- or give you a guarantee on that matter in one form or the other?

all the best

:w:

[جوري]

Arga.. try to relax dear brother.. you are not trying to catch a train or are behind schedule.. if you don't catch this one, you may catch the next one, and if you don't like trains you can simply go walking.. we all get what is meant for us.. I think it is concerned parents that need to see their kids married by 23 or else.. I have written several stories to that extent on this forum, of meddling folks who have let to the demise of others...

someday maybe now, maybe ten yrs from now, if you are able and desirous, you'll find someone.. I don't think it is the sort of thing you really should stress about under any circumstance... trust me you are not the first person in his thirties unmarried.. in fact I believe one of the religious obligations of marriage amongst other things is that you are financially and psychologically ready to handle the burden.. that may happen at 17 or 37.. so pls just relax, and let Allah swt in your heart and as your guide..


Allah SWT knows best

:w:

[Argamemnon]

lots of people don't get married.. my dad's friend is fifty something and unmarried.. he never had a desire to....
I don't think anyone knows for sure where anyone is going in the here after.. seems silly to ask such a question do forgive me.. but how can anyone here know you better than you?-- or give you a guarantee on that matter in one form or the other?

all the best

:w:

I fear God and I fear punishment. I want to be sure that I'm not committing a big sin. God knows best, I know that nobody can give me a guarantee on anything.

[Malaikah]

:sl:

Brother lets get one thing VERY clear.

To choose to remain single is NOT a sin. Let me repeat that:

IT IS HALAL TO NOT WANT TO MARRY. You will not go to hell just for remaining single.

In fact if you fear that you can not do your family justice or treat your wife/kids well (a genuine fear, as you seem to have because of your condition) then it recommended that you do not marry. Of course I am not saying thsi applies to you! I'm not in any position to judge your situation.

However I just want to make it clear that you are not sinning.

On the flip side marriage becomes obligatory on a person who is very likely to commit zina.

[جوري]

I fear God and I fear punishment. I want to be sure that I'm not committing a big sin. God knows best, I know that nobody can give me a guarantee on anything.

:sl:

I don't understand?
there are requirements for a marriage.. you feel you are unable to meet them, hence I ask, why or how is it a sin?

I think those giving you advise, are more under the impression that marriage will be good for you, and for the most part it is, if you can find the right partner.. marriage isn't merely about reproducing or engaging in sexual activity... it is about caring, and friendship, and compassion and companionship.. it is about being responsible, and wanting to do the best not just for your person but for both as a unit and if any children should come along.. I think it would be a sin to lead someone on and then deny them their rights because you are unable to fulfill them on any level... that isn't to say you shouldn't get married if you can't have children or are poor, I am saying you need to be forth coming and accepting of your own faults and those of others...

akhi.. I sense a vacillation in you, and I really think you should just take it easy.. insha'Allah things will work out..

:w:

[Argamemnon]

Arga.. try to relax dear brother.. you are not trying to catch a train or are behind schedule.. if you don't catch this one, you may catch the next one, and if you don't like trains you can simply go walking.. we all get what is meant for us.. I think it is concerned parents that need to see their kids married by 23 or else.. I have written several stories to that extent on this forum, of meddling folks who have let to the demise of others...

someday maybe now, maybe ten yrs from now, if you are able and desirous, you'll find someone.. I don't think it is the sort of thing you really should stress about under any circumstance... trust me you are not the first person in his thirties unmarried.. in fact I believe one of the religious obligations of marriage amongst other things is that you are financially and psychologically ready to handle the burden.. that may happen at 17 or 37.. so pls just relax, and let Allah swt in your heart and as your guide..


Allah SWT knows best

:w:

Thank you very much for your kind words dear sister. I feel I have wasted my youth. It's very painful. But it wasn't meant to be (when you are severely depresed you can't enjoy anything in life, and you have no hopes at all). I strongly feel like giving up altogether, but it's best to let Allah (swt) in my heart and as my guide, as you said.

[Argamemnon]

:sl:

Brother lets get one thing VERY clear.

To choose to remain single is NOT a sin. Let me repeat that:

IT IS HALAL TO NOT WANT TO MARRY. You will not go to hell just for remaining single.

In fact if you fear that you can not do your family justice or treat your wife/kids well (a genuine fear, as you seem to have because of your condition) then it recommended that you do not marry. Of course I am not saying thsi applies to you! I'm not in any position to judge your situation.

However I just want to make it clear that you are not sinning.

Thank you, that's very clear sister.

On the flip side marriage becomes obligatory on a person who is very likely to commit zina.

well, no such problem for me, I'm a sad and depressed man.

[جوري]

I feel as though this whole umma is sad and depressed sob7an Allah.. we've been let down and letting ourselves down.. I think it is time we all got back up from this position.. but before that happens we have to fix ourselves..

Arga.. I hope insha'Allah you find the help you deserve and need and that you come out from under this dark cloud that seems to have captured your being... May Allah swt grant you a fast recovery from whatever it is that is afflicting you...

I hope you find a sense of kinship on this forum..

The Prophet said: 'The religion (of Islam) is easy. No one ever made it difficult without it becoming too much for him. So avoid extremes and strike a balance, do the best you can and be cheerful, and seek Allah's help (through prayer) in the morning, and evening, and part of the night.' (Sahîh Bukhârî)

:w:

[جوري]

Thank you very much for your kind words dear sister. I feel I have wasted my youth. It's very painful. But it wasn't meant to be (when you are severely depresed you can't enjoy anything in life, and you have no hopes at all). I strongly feel like giving up altogether, but it's best to let Allah (swt) in my heart and as my guide, as you said.

:sl:

you feel alone, but you aren't... browse the forum, you'll see many others share in your condition.. in fact, I think those who don't go through this are the aberration not the other way around.. there isn't a day that goes by that I don't reflect on what I have lost (loved ones) my wasted yrs, and if it makes you feel any better know that I too was treated for depression and have had major really bad lapses.. it doesn't make you a lesser person you know.. anymore than being afflicted with a headache or heart disease makes you a lesser person...

you are not well, and you should seek help as well ask Allah swt to remove this affliction from you, so that you can embrace life once more...

May Allah swt grant you recovery akhi, and insha'Allah when the time is right, a great companion who will be a loving caring spouse to you and shoulders these burdens with you...

I'll keep you in my du3a insha'Allah

:w:

[Argamemnon]

Thank you.

[AnonymousPoster]

Peace

>>Im from US, im 24 now, and i dont wish to get married, i had chosen a girl, to which i was rejected by her parents(even though me and the girl wanted to get married)... when i was 21. Since then ive had no desire to get married, i fast a lot and it helps me control myself, i believe my deen is strong.

The basis why i dont want to get married is because by getting married to someone, and then not being able to look after the needs of the wife etc, over a period of time becomes a sin. Maybe a BIG sin. I am not in need to get a wife.

>>>So is not marrying a sin ?
>>>which is better, not marrying someone OR marrying someone but not being able to give the love they deserve?

thank you for your replies

Peace

[Argamemnon]

The problem with not marrying is that you become more and more isolated because the majority of your relatives and friends are getting married. You won't have much of a social life if you're single, which is terrible. You can't visit busy families with children if you are a single man :(

[AnonymousPoster]

The problem with not marrying is that you become more and more isolated because the majority of your relatives and friends are getting married. You won't have much of a social life if you're single, which is terrible. You can't visit busy families with children if you are a single man :(

May Allaah make it easy for you,

What is stopping you to join in with your relatives? Do you not have anyone supporting you? (Offline)

[Argamemnon]

May Allaah make it easy for you,

What is stopping you to join in with your relatives? Do you not have anyone supporting you? (Offline)

Thank you. Close relatives?? Most of them don't live near me. And the ones that do live here don't visit us often and we don't visit them often either. I see my uncle maybe a few times a year for example! I really don't know why.

[AnonymousPoster]

Thank you. Close relatives?? Most of them don't live near me. And the ones that do live here don't visit us often and we don't visit them often either. I see my uncle maybe a few times a year for example! I really don't know why.

Argh akhi! May be it is a good idea to see them more often since family ties is a big thing in Islaam, right? And they can be there for you, it's good to talk to someone when it gets tough, else you'll be building up pressure inside of you with no onw to share it with, sometimes it's difficult talking to close people, other times, it is much easier,

Up to you akhi, but it's good to talk! :thumbs_up

[Sahabiyaat]

this thread has made me sad :(

I wont offer advice, i dont know what to say but i shall pray for you akhee, and i praise your resolve in maintaining your deen, Allah will reward you in due time InshaAllah :) :nervous:(pst...we never thought a member here, by the name of wak wak, would get married, but miracles happen ay! ) ;D

[Banu_Hashim]

Salamu 'Alaikum..

To the OP, "Allahu Alim". Allah knows best.

Although having said that, it is sunnah as shown by the various hadith's to marry (and at a young age?). But I don't think for a second you'll be thrown into jahannam for not marrying. You have your reasons, and if you're good muslim as you appear to be... then inshAllah, Allah will reward you for the good you have done... and not condem you for not marrying.

It's a bit difficult to answer for definite these kinda things. Take care bro.

[جوري]

The problem with not marrying is that you become more and more isolated because the majority of your relatives and friends are getting married. You won't have much of a social life if you're single, which is terrible. You can't visit busy families with children if you are a single man :(

:sl:

you'd think so..
today we were invited to a young cousin's wedding, he is the first to get married, his two older brothers, one of them a dentist uninterested in marriage right now, the other one had three failed attempts, in fact he is in such bad shape, people in the family try to make him feel bad and isolate him, but everything is 'kismet'

people get what is meant for them.. imagine this poor guy having three failed attempts, and he is really an amazing person, the gentlest amongst his siblings, well educated .. he can lock himself up and think everyone is married including my youngest brother or he can take time to recover and try again insha'Allah with renewed faith...

I really think your main focus right now should be on getting better insha'Allah... when the time is right, there will be some special someone there for you.. you'll get there when you get there....:)

:w:

[Argamemnon]

:sl:

you'd think so..
today we were invited to a young cousin's wedding, he is the first to get married, his two older brothers, one of them a dentist uninterested in marriage right now, the other one had three failed attempts, in fact he is in such bad shape, people in the family try to make him feel bad and isolate him, but everything is 'kismet'

people get what is meant for them.. imagine this poor guy having three failed attempts, and he is really an amazing person, the gentlest amongst his siblings, well educated .. he can lock himself up and think everyone is married including my youngest brother or he can take time to recover and try again insha'Allah with renewed faith...

I really think your main focus right now should be on getting better insha'Allah... when the time is right, there will be some special someone there for you.. you'll get there when you get there....:)

:w:

:sl:

You are so optimistic, but I appreciate your support :)

[Argamemnon]

It also seems that the older I get the less my desire becomes to marry. It's a shameful to admit, but it seems that I have lost my desire for the opposite sex.

[afzalaung]

why must everyone assumed everyone born onto earth is sick and obsessed with sex.
yea, Marriage is Sunna, but i dont see not marrying as sinful.

[Argamemnon]

why must everyone assumed everyone born onto earth is sick and obsessed with sex.
yea, Marriage is Sunna, but i dont see not marrying as sinful.

Being obsessed with sex is wrong, but the act is natural and desired by all physically and mentally healthy individuals. It is a little strange though that for some people sex is the first thing that comes to mind when they think about marriage.

When I told a distant relative about my situation (which I regret doing), the first thing he asked was if I didn't want to have sex. I found that really weird. That's not the biggest problem when if you live alone. The loneliness and isolation is a much bigger issue. You will be regarded a freak by your family and relatives.

[afzalaung]

Erm..i guess family pressure's a thing.
I'm a desi, but luckily i'm from the family with loads of spinisters and old-bachelors and where marriage age is in 30-s.
My worst nightmare to-date was me getting married

[Argamemnon]

What is a desi?

[Sahabiyaat]

What is a desi?

oh
my
god

you dont know!

desi, they infest the planet.

someone from back home.(mainly pakistan lol)

[جوري]

:sl:

You are so optimistic, but I appreciate your support :)

:sl:
optimistic.. ha...:D
that made me laugh.. I actually wish I were..imsad
loss of sexual desire has nothing to do with you aging, rather a part of your depression.. apathy and disinterest in even previousely enjoyed hobbies is lost with this illness unfortunately.. depression hurts, physically, mentally and psychologically and sadly it affects those close to you as well!

desire for sex isn't age specific...

:w:

[Argamemnon]

desire for sex isn't age specific...

:w:

:sl:

Of course it is (I'm speaking for men); after the age of 30 the desire for sex starts to drop like a rock. I'm not saying that it disappears, but it's certainly not the same anymore. I strongly encourage people to marry in their twenties. You won't experience the same pleasure as "normal" people if you marry after the age of 35. It's not even comparable.. I hope I'm not raising issues that embarress people, but it shouldn't. Even the prophet (saw) talked openly about intimacy issues and taught people.

[جوري]

:sl:

Of course it is (I'm speaking for men); after the age of 30 the desire for sex starts to drop like a rock. I'm not saying that it disappears, but it's certainly not the same anymore. I strongly encourage people to marry in their twenties. You won't experience the same pleasure as "normal" people if you marry after the age of 35. It's not even comparable.. I hope I'm not raising issues that embarress people, but it shouldn't. Even the prophet (saw) talked openly about intimacy issues and taught people.

:sl:

you are wrong!
the ability to have sex is different than the desire to have sex..
the latter is lost under inorganic causes, the first can be lost under both organic and inorganic causes..

you've simply matured from the teenage yrs where you'd be smitten with anything with legs, and that happens to most people with evolution of thought, ambitions, and needs .. desire can be recaptured to the fullest with the right person...

we are social animals, you wouldn't be complaining of this, if one some level it didn't bother you, which in turn tells me you are so very normal.. if you were schizoid or schizotypal this simply wouldn't bother you.. like folks who suffer from Alzheimer, people around them are upset because of their memory loss, but they genuinely don't know of their condition...

your cousin or relative that tells you, you are weird, forgive me for saying (is merely undereducated) passing labels on people is easy.. I can sit here all day and pass labels because I find things in others that aren't in me and to me seem outlandish.. 'everyone loves butterscotch ice cream, so, how can you not?'.. the problem then is really with me not them.. Do you understand? It is a generalization I have made based on my own bias and interests!

I am taking the time to write this to you, because on some level, it seems you are brainwashed with what others say of you.. why? is really beyond me..

are you that weak a person, that you'd fear even the rain should it catch you without an umbrella?

you should take sometime to reflect a little on your own worth as a human being-- your value isn't contingent on what others think of you, or whether or not you are capable of producing offspring before an expiration date (and there actually is no expiration date on men) I think it would be more logical you'd feel a certain biological clock/bang, if you were a woman for obvious physiological reasons!

:w:

[Argamemnon]

:sl:

you are wrong!
the ability to have sex is different than the desire to have sex..
the latter is lost under inorganic causes, the first can be lost under both organic and inorganic causes..

you've simply matured from the teenage yrs where you'd be smitten with anything with legs, and that happens to most people with evolution of thought, ambitions, and needs .. desire can be recaptured to the fullest with the right person...

we are social animals, you wouldn't be complaining of this, if one some level it didn't bother you, which in turn tells me you are so very normal.. if you were schizoid or schizotypal this simply wouldn't bother you.. like folks who suffer from Alzheimer, people around them are upset because of their memory loss, but they genuinely don't know of their condition...

your cousin or relative that tells you, you are weird, forgive me for saying (is merely undereducated) passing labels on people is easy.. I can sit here all day and pass labels because I find things in others that aren't in me and to me seem outlandish.. 'everyone loves butterscotch ice cream, so, how can you not?'.. the problem then is really with me not them.. Do you understand? It is a generalization I have made based on my own bias and interests!

I am taking the time to write this to you, because on some level, it seems you are brainwashed with what others say of you.. why? is really beyond me..

are you that weak a person, that you'd fear even the rain should it catch you without an umbrella?

you should take sometime to reflect a little on your own worth as a human being-- your value isn't contingent on what others think of you, or whether or not you are capable of producing offspring before an expiration date (and there actually is no expiration date on men) I think it would be more logical you'd feel a certain biological clock/bang, if you were a woman for obvious physiological reasons!

:w:

:sl:
Well, there are a few things I disagree with and some things I do agree with. Maybe we should leave it here, no need to argue, lol :thankyou:

[maryam87]

I guess from what i see the older the guy becomes the more picky he is when it comes to choosing a wife. However it doesnt sound like your case i believe. There should be no reason on holding u back from getting married. U never know if u do get married ur depression might disappear. Marriage is more about companionship ( i think?) I mean do u really want to be by urself for the rest of ur life??? think about it, when ur ready find urself a good girl who will take good care of u inshallah
All the best !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ushae]

It is considered 1 half of our religion so yes, if you can marry, then it is necessary. If you are capable of marriage and refuse to do it, then I would imagine it would bve frowned upon. I doubt there is any Sin in choosing the latter.

Remember brother we're not like the christians (no offense to them :)) where their most devout tale a vow of celebacy. It is your fharz to procreate (marry and have children), if you can.

I'd imagine it's the same as refusing to go Hajj when you are capable of it ? (bad analogy ?) ^o)

Just my 2 cents worth..hehe
Usman

[buddy1]

I personally think its should be a choice, if its a sin or not, I dont know, but I dont think anyone should be forced in to marraige, its a serious thing ya know.

[Argamemnon]

I guess from what i see the older the guy becomes the more picky he is when it comes to choosing a wife. However it doesnt sound like your case i believe. There should be no reason on holding u back from getting married. U never know if u do get married ur depression might disappear. Marriage is more about companionship ( i think?) I mean do u really want to be by urself for the rest of ur life??? think about it, when ur ready find urself a good girl who will take good care of u inshallah
All the best !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not picky in terms of appearance. There are no good girls we know here, even if I were able to marry it is possible that I couldn't find anyone. I don't know about Pakistanis or others, but for Turks here in the Netherlands it has become really difficult to find someone. We know one girl who has divorced, she is 30 (I'm 32). She is incredibly beautiful, but I'm not interested. She doesn't appear to be religious, and I suspect her father is an atheist. The whole family is very materialistic. No thanks. Any guy looking at her would probably kill me for not marrying someone like her, but I'm not interested at all.

[Argamemnon]

It's confusing, I complain about being lonely, and yet when I'm with people I rarely enjoy their company! Perhaps I'm schizoid after all :raging:

[maryam87]

I'm not picky in terms of appearance. There are no good girls we know here, even if I were able to marry it is possible that I couldn't find anyone. I don't know about Pakistanis or others, but for Turks here in the Netherlands it has become really difficult to find someone. We know one girl who has divorced, she is 30 (I'm 32). She is incredibly beautiful, but I'm not interested. She doesn't appear to be religious, and I suspect her father is an atheist. The whole family is very materialistic. No thanks. Any guy looking at her would probably kill me for not marrying someone like her, but I'm not interested at all.

mm have u tried talking to the girl, i mean jst because her father sounds like an atheist it doesnt mean she follows (jst a suggestion) but if she is materialistic then she most likely wont be suitable.
Anyways brother why dont u go to Turkey n find a girl there since theres no good ones in Neverlands :-\ would that be possible?
I mean i hear lots of stories of people going to their home country to get married

[IbnAbdulHakim]

I'm not picky in terms of appearance. There are no good girls we know here, even if I were able to marry it is possible that I couldn't find anyone. I don't know about Pakistanis or others, but for Turks here in the Netherlands it has become really difficult to find someone. We know one girl who has divorced, she is 30 (I'm 32). She is incredibly beautiful, but I'm not interested. She doesn't appear to be religious, and I suspect her father is an atheist. The whole family is very materialistic. No thanks. Any guy looking at her would probably kill me for not marrying someone like her, but I'm not interested at all.

beauty is nothing (but a bonus :-[ !)


and im not surprised at all that you feel nothing for her.



perhaps you'll marry when Allah wills brother.


And if you dont, then Allah knows best :)

[Argamemnon]

mm have u tried talking to the girl, i mean jst because her father sounds like an atheist it doesnt mean she follows (jst a suggestion) but if she is materialistic then she most likely wont be suitable.
Anyways brother why dont u go to Turkey n find a girl there since theres no good ones in Neverlands :-\ would that be possible?
I mean i hear lots of stories of people going to their home country to get married

:sl:

Yes, we visited them during Eid ul-Fitr and I made a terrible impression (I don't want to get into details). They had previously clearly shown interest, but not anymore. They suspect that there is something wrong with me, (which of course is the case). Again I don't wish to get into details, if you don't mind. But even if they/she was interested, I'm not. I don't like materialistic people, my life values don't coincide with theirs.

As to finding someone abroad.. I don't know, it has become more difficult in the last few years due to government regulations. Besides, I would prefer someone here, since a lot of marriages where the bride or bridegroom is brought from Turkey end in divorce.

And why do you say Neverlands, it´s called the Netherlands ^o)

Anyhow, I'm repeating myself over and over, but as I said earlier in the thread, I don't think I would be able to marry anyway..

[maryam87]

:sl:

Yes, we visited them during Eid ul-Fitr and I made a terrible impression (I don't want to get into details). They had previously clearly shown interest, but not anymore. They suspect that there is something wrong with me, (which of course is the case). Again I don't wish to get into details, if you don't mind. But even if they/she was interested, I'm not. I don't like materialistic people, my life values don't coincide with them.

As to finding someone abroad.. I don't know, it has become more difficult in the last few years due to government regulations. Besides, I would prefer someone here, since a lot of marriages where the bride or bridegroom is brought from Turkey end in divorce.

And why do you say Neverlands, it´s called the Netherlands ^o)

Anyhow, I'm repeating myself over and over, but as I said earlier in the thread, I don't think I would be able to marry anyway..

LOL typo error :D
Brother inshallah u get whatever u want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
May Allah (swt) be with u :bump1:

[Muezzin]

It's not a sin not to get married. But if not getting married will tear you apart, you really should avoid that contingency. :)

Do you have family members who could help you find a suitable partner?

[Argamemnon]

beauty is nothing (but a bonus :-[ !)


and im not surprised at all that you feel nothing for her.



perhaps you'll marry when Allah wills brother.


And if you dont, then Allah knows best :)

I totally agree with you. Thank you brother :)

[Argamemnon]

It's not a sin not to get married. But if not getting married will tear you apart, you really should avoid that contingency. :)

To be honest, I feel that not marrying would tear me apart, however, I also feel that marrying would tear me apart. This terrible depression and anxiety seems to be a very large part of my life. It seems my fate. The only thing I can do is to pray and become a good Muslim, and if Allah wills, one day I might live a normal life.

Do you have family members who could help you find a suitable partner?

Maybe.. but most of my close relatives live in Belgium (neighbouring country), so that might be a possibility as well.

[Muezzin]

To be honest, I feel that not marrying would tear me apart, however, I also feel that marrying would tear me apart. This terrible depression and anxiety seems to be a very large part of my life. It seems my fate. The only thing I can do is to pray and become a good Muslim, and if Allah wills, one day I might live a normal life.

Well, there's plenty of help available. Depression and anxiety needn't stop you leading what you might consider a normal life. There are counsellors etc.

From what I've read here, it looks like not marrying, for you, would do a lot more harm than marrying. Then again, I don't know you as a person, I only know as much as you've chosen to share here. But you know yourself if anyone does. As do your loved ones.

Maybe.. but most of my close relatives live in Belgium (neighbouring country), so that might be a possibility as well.

Go for it :D

[Ali.]

Go for it :D

I agree with Muezzin. If you don't mind me saying, you seem a little hesitant, but at the same time you should be careful - I think you're laying back a bit too much. Go for it!

[Argamemnon]

I agree with Muezzin. If you don't mind me saying, you seem a little hesitant, but at the same time you should be careful - I think you're laying back a bit too much. Go for it!

It's nothing to do with hesitation brother, didn't you read my the previous pages where I talked about my mental illness?

I like this quote by Abraham Lincoln, former president of the US (1809 –1865) I feel exactly like him imsad

"I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth. Whether I shall ever be better I can not tell; I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me."

How can one even think of marriage when feeling so miserable every day. I cried when I first saw this quote imsad

[ayesha309]

bro i think you are depressing yourself by continuing to think you are a looser (which ofcourse you are not). first of all, you have to understand, and tell yourself, that people have mental illnesses, but can still cope with life. your illness doesn't seem to be very severe becase from your posts, you seem like a perfectly normal person who is just depressed. but then again, i am making that assumption based on how much i've read and how much you've chosen to share. anyhow my point is, don't tell yourself that you will always be miserable; there are soo many poeple in this world who are in a more terrible situation then you but are still capable of smiling and moving on with life.
like the other members of this forum suggested, do lots of lots of dua to Allah asking Him to remove this burden/illness/depression away from you. and also ask Allah to help you find a good partner in life. it seems to me as if you want a companion but are afraid to look for her. if its okay with your fmaily, then go outside the turkish culture and look for a nice Muslim girl. open your horizons and ask Allah, knowing that he is capable of curing all illnesses no matter how severe they are. Insha'Allah Allah will help you.
and in the event that you don't ever get married, don't consider yourself as a worthless man. there are countless people in this world who chose not to marry; not marrying is not a sin. devote your life to Allah, and please him and you will loose your depression and be satisfied. i can't remember which scholar it was, but a great scholar in the past did not marry (i belive it was ibn Taymiyya) please someone correct me if i'm wrong. Just control your desires and work and pleasing Allah (which all of us should be doing!)

[Argamemnon]

your illness doesn't seem to be very severe becase from your posts, you seem like a perfectly normal person

:sl:

Sadly, I'm not. I have basically lived like a recluse since 2001, hiding in my own room most of the time without social contact. I can't deal with people, and yet I know that loneliness is worse.

like the other members of this forum suggested, do lots of lots of dua to Allah asking Him to remove this burden/illness/depression away from you. and also ask Allah to help you find a good partner in life.

Thank you for your advice..I will do that..

if its okay with your fmaily, then go outside the turkish culture and look for a nice Muslim girl

They wouldn't mind, but I have no idea how I could find a Pakistani or Arab girl..

and in the event that you don't ever get married, don't consider yourself as a worthless man. there are countless people in this world who chose not to marry; not marrying is not a sin. devote your life to Allah, and please him and you will loose your depression and be satisfied. i can't remember which scholar it was, but a great scholar in the past did not marry (i belive it was ibn Taymiyya) please someone correct me if i'm wrong. Just control your desires and work and pleasing Allah (which all of us should be doing!)

I agree with you, being a good Muslim is what matters in life. We are not here to be happy..

[Sami234]

Exactly, that's why I'm asking. It sounds terrifying; I will probably burn in hell. No escape for me.

:sl:

Many great scholars never married.

But why don't you want to marry?

[ayesha309]

If you don't mind me asking, Bro Agr, did something happen in your life that cuased this severe distress upon you? only answer if your ok with it.
and by keeping to yourself, like staying in your room, you are preventing yourself from committing sins which is a great advantage. to reduce depression, i would advise you to read the qur'an, tafseer, seerat of the Rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him), lives of the prohpets (peace be upon them) lives of the Companions (May Allah be pleased with them), etc. Thus keeping yourself busy with tehse great stories will prevent you from falling into depression.

[Argamemnon]

:sl:

But why don't you want to marry?

:sl:

Did you read my explanation in the previous pages? Because I'm mentally ill. I guess it's hard to understand for healthy people.

[Argamemnon]

If you don't mind me asking, Bro Agr, did something happen in your life that cuased this severe distress upon you? only answer if your ok with it.
and by keeping to yourself, like staying in your room, you are preventing yourself from committing sins which is a great advantage. to reduce depression, i would advise you to read the qur'an, tafseer, seerat of the Rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him), lives of the prohpets (peace be upon them) lives of the Companions (May Allah be pleased with them), etc. Thus keeping yourself busy with tehse great stories will prevent you from falling into depression.

I have no idea what caused it sister ayesha. I know isolating myself from people for years has increased the pain, but I was always anxious in the presence of other people, and was always prone to depression. I think I was born this way. But I agree with you, reading the Quran and learning about Islam is the most important step to deal with anxiety and depression.

[Ali.]

edit actually, might cause offense.

[Argamemnon]

edit actually, might cause offense.

you can private message me if you like (if you have a question).

[Ali.]

you can private message me if you like (if you have a question).

It wasn't that. I was going to suggest a few things but decided I know too little about you and your illness to suggest such things.

[Argamemnon]

It wasn't that. I was going to suggest a few things but decided I know too little about you and your illness to suggest such things.

I see.. I'm not against suggestions though.

[AnonymousPoster]

is that a joke?^ :?

akhi arg, i uderstand you....to clear this it is not a sin if u dont marry but as ppl said it might cause you to do haram.

if u know for sure that you cant get married and that will not affect u then its ur life u dont have to get married.

am sorry but i havent read all the posts. but i would suggest that you marry. Everything might change after marriage especially if your wife is a caring, practising muslimah.

[Argamemnon]

is that a joke?^ :?

Did I say something wrong?

[anonymous]

^Nooo she/he meant someone else but that post was deleted i guess..

anyway bro, Whatever Allah wants , it is for your best! InshaAllah
May Allah Make things easy for you!

jij bent een turkse nederlander? dat is toevallig, ik ook :)

--------------------
yo wassuppp peeps,
Its me....Goovvyyy :p

[Nájlá]

guven is that u^

[anonymous]

Maaaaybe :p

Anyway lets not get offtopic here ...ill be back soon InshaAllah :)

[AnonymousPoster]

Did I say something wrong?

no u never it was for a stupid post someone posted.

[Argamemnon]

^Nooo she/he meant someone else but that post was deleted i guess..

anyway bro, Whatever Allah wants , it is for your best! InshaAllah
May Allah Make things easy for you!

jij bent een turkse nederlander? dat is toevallig, ik ook :)

--------------------
yo wassuppp peeps,
Its me....Goovvyyy :p

Thank you, I'm Turkish too. Nice to meet you bro (sis?) :)

[Sirat Mustaqeem]

You must marry, as it was our Prophet (pbuh) who, divinely guided, spoke of and lived his life as THE EXAMPLE!

Marriage is sacrament. That's about the only thing Catholics get right. Those who do not marry are subject to the will of Allah (swt).