my little sister is hurting my mother

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl: emotionally..i hope you are all well in health and imaan.
my 16 year old sister has changed so much in the past year, she recently started smoking..we found her out she said she was sorry today we found out that she is smoking again.
she talks to boys who smoke weed..my mum knows about the smoking not about the boys that will kill her.
my poor mother is now depressed, she has heart problems as well as type 1 diabetes stress really physically harms her.
she is a good mother who raised us on her own she doesnt deserve this, my sister is so rude to her and even calls me name i am 4 years older than her.

we dont know what to do seeing my mum crying and upset kills me.
me and my other sister try to talk to her but she is just so rude.
help please:cry:

[Olive]

I understand your situation. It's serious and ugly to see. :(

I would advise you to try and talk to your sister, try and tell her the reality of her company and what it could lead to. Explain to her what her actions are doing to your mother and hopefully she'll understand InshaAllah.

:w:

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl: i did today but when i ask her why she does this she tells me that is none of my business. she is like a closed book and deep down i hate her for doing this to us.

[Olive]

:sl:

Try and tell her that your advice is for her own good and if she doesn't listen, Allah only knows where she could end up... it's sad. :'(

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[AnonymousPoster]

:sl: it is. very sad i mean deep down she is a good kid i dont know whats happening she told us that she only smokes cigarettes not anything else but i seen people her age be so naive if she can try this then SubxanaAllah.
I got the email of the boy she talks to and told him to back off!
I am so angry right now she told us not to blame her friends and that she made the choice to smoke. please make dua because right now we going to need every single duas.

[gladTidings]

Salaam sis,

Im so sorry to hear of situations like this. Our parents watered our youth and sacrificed their lives to give us the best. We cant pay back the feelings of a mother who wishes that she is the one that is hurt instead of her baby. Our parents are a part of us and we are a part of them, their wrinkles and grey hair, part of them, are ours.

The best you can do is be a friend to your sister, no matter how rude she is, you will have to endure it if you really want her to change. Do things you would normally do with your friends.. take her out, invite her to sleepovers with your friends etc. If shes with you it means shes not in the bad company of drugs and free mixing. More importantly, maybe she will realise how much you care for her and how much your mother does. InshAllah she will slowly start to respect you and realise that her way of life isnt any good for her.

Most importantly make dua'a for her...
May Allah swt guide us. Ameen.

Ws

[IbnAbdulHakim]

hmm... so many people will disapprove of what im about to say BUT i'll say it nonetheless

- i would limit her freedome - phone her/her friends - check every single phone number in her phone - teach her as much as i can and try to soften her heart with sharp/straight to the point speeches - any and i mean ANY mouth from her i will NOT tolerate as its become a habit which needs to be chopped down - i would tell her anymore bad news from her and the front door wont be opening for her to walk through anymore.



and i would tell her that she should just kill mum, because her actions are slowly doing it... tell her to take a knife and slit her own mums throat, its less painful then what shes putting her through (this is to awaken her to what shes doing - slap of reality)



may Allah forgive me for anything wrong ive said and guide us all - Ameen


Assalamu Alaikum

[maryam87]

thats really sad
I believe the biggest problem is that parents are giving their children too much freedom these dayz. Freedom is not always a good thing for kids since they dont really know whats good n bad till they do something really wrong
As for the advice i guess u will need to let a male figure probably talk to her ie an uncle or something (anyone shes scared of)? if not i suggest maybe try spending more time with her, do anything before she falls down the road then it will be much harder to get her back on track.
May Allah (swt) help ur mum out it must be hard on her

[Nájlá]

hmm... so many people will disapprove of what im about to say BUT i'll say it nonetheless

- i would limit her freedome - phone her/her friends - check every single phone number in her phone - teach her as much as i can and try to soften her heart with sharp/straight to the point speeches - any and i mean ANY mouth from her i will NOT tolerate as its become a habit which needs to be chopped down - i would tell her anymore bad news from her and the front door wont be opening for her to walk through anymore.



and i would tell her that she should just kill mum, because her actions are slowly doing it... tell her to take a knife and slit her own mums throat, its less painful then what shes putting her through (this is to awaken her to what shes doing - slap of reality)



may Allah forgive me for anything wrong ive said and guide us all - Ameen


Assalamu Alaikum

i agree with u bro also if she doesnt listen to u then keep txtin her or sebd her emails try to teach her more about islam tell her about death etc.

[BNDGR]

Asalam alaikum,
I know exactly what your going thru, but I am the Mom in the situation.
I have to say I tried the hard approach with my 15 yr old daughter and it only drove a wedge between us and then she would just sneak and do things.
You should be there for her, of course reinforce that you don't agree with what she is doing and teach her about how her actions affect her and your Mom and your family.
Teach her from your knowledge and spend time with her, she will be alot more open with you and you will have that edge to be able to communicate with her on a level where she will be listening and not be as deffensive.
Like one of the other posters said, if she is spending time with you then she is not with her friends who obviously are not a positive influence on her.
InshaAllah you will help to guide and direct her to change her life.

[cute123]

make her see the movie , 'mitr' its a hindi movie available in english also i suppose , its a about a family, 1 daughter , and husband and wife based in US. how the girl is arrogant towards her mother. and how she insults her and leaves the house for small petty reasons. goes and stays with her freinds finally. US law approves the same. the father himself tries to keep ties with her. exactly what BNDGR said. disapproving what she is doing but maintaining the relation what she had with him. once then the father is not in the town. this girl is along with the company of bad boys - supposed to be her freinds. well what she has in her mind is 'that i can handle it '. she has a fight with them , one of them gives her a big box on her head. and she is admitted to the hospital. thats where the feeling of aloneness , fear , grips her. and she realizes with what sought of people she is with. she fears that her mom wont come. but she is there and finally she says one sentence, ' you mean the world to me whether one believes or does not'. the daughter is finally back home and is like a real daughter is.

just one sentence - dont let her go so easily. i know its difficult. just find out some way that she listens and is humble. and yes seriously pray harder and harder. Allah subhanatallah will surely find out a way for it

sorry if the post is too long

[Danah]

hmm... so many people will disapprove of what im about to say BUT i'll say it nonetheless

- i would limit her freedome - phone her/her friends - check every single phone number in her phone - teach her as much as i can and try to soften her heart with sharp/straight to the point speeches - any and i mean ANY mouth from her i will NOT tolerate as its become a habit which needs to be chopped down - i would tell her anymore bad news from her and the front door wont be opening for her to walk through anymore.



and i would tell her that she should just kill mum, because her actions are slowly doing it... tell her to take a knife and slit her own mums throat, its less painful then what shes putting her through (this is to awaken her to what shes doing - slap of reality)



may Allah forgive me for anything wrong ive said and guide us all - Ameen


Assalamu Alaikum

100% agree, because as I understand from the thread starter that she is that kind of people who dont listen to what said to her.
If she keep it on that way, some thing more dangerous might happened to her
so its better to handle the situation form the beginning.
show her that you will not tolerate what she is doing, I think talking to her only is not enough, there are some issues where talking is not enough

May allah guide her to the right path soon, and grant you and your mother the patience and the strength to guide your sister............Ameen

[Olive]

hmm... so many people will disapprove of what im about to say BUT i'll say it nonetheless

- i would limit her freedome - phone her/her friends - check every single phone number in her phone - teach her as much as i can and try to soften her heart with sharp/straight to the point speeches - any and i mean ANY mouth from her i will NOT tolerate as its become a habit which needs to be chopped down - i would tell her anymore bad news from her and the front door wont be opening for her to walk through anymore.



and i would tell her that she should just kill mum, because her actions are slowly doing it... tell her to take a knife and slit her own mums throat, its less painful then what shes putting her through (this is to awaken her to what shes doing - slap of reality)



may Allah forgive me for anything wrong ive said and guide us all - Ameen


Assalamu Alaikum

I agree 100% with that. It would wake her up to the reality...

:w:

[aadil77]

rude to your mum? - I would suggest you slap the crap out her, then see what see has to say :thumbs_up

[AnonymousPoster]

hmm... so many people will disapprove of what im about to say BUT i'll say it nonetheless

- i would limit her freedome - phone her/her friends - check every single phone number in her phone - teach her as much as i can and try to soften her heart with sharp/straight to the point speeches - any and i mean ANY mouth from her i will NOT tolerate as its become a habit which needs to be chopped down - i would tell her anymore bad news from her and the front door wont be opening for her to walk through anymore.



and i would tell her that she should just kill mum, because her actions are slowly doing it... tell her to take a knife and slit her own mums throat, its less painful then what shes putting her through (this is to awaken her to what shes doing - slap of reality)



may Allah forgive me for anything wrong ive said and guide us all - Ameen


Assalamu Alaikum

Please don't advise someone to destroy another persons privacy, regardless of what they have done or they are doing,

And don't advise someone to kill even to teach them a lesson, she stays around people who smoke weed, how do you know that she is not hooked yet?, she may take the advice and actually do it, (God forbid)

Please be careful akhi.

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:Thank you so much for your replies. I spoke to her today she told me she did regret it and she will stop, my mother cant speak to her at the moment i just finished talking to both of them, she will have no acess to the computer do her homework and house cleaning as well as come home straight away from school. She seemed regretful my mother doesnt really care about words is about action and i told her that, if she wants to have a good relationship with mum she needs to work hard and prove she is changed.

Mz trust me I will do so my family is strict she hardly goes out thats why is even more shoking.
But no more being kind i am not allowing her to do this anymore.
I will always be there and right now i cant be a friend to her i am 20 and i need to be like a mother a strict one because my mum is not well and getting older. she has no male figure in her life my mother has been mummy and daddy and sarcrified a lot for us.

ANON she doesnt smoke weed the guy that smokes weed is an internet pal who she now blocked, she smoked cigarette 3 times and even though to other people we might be over reacting we need to stop her until she reaches the bad stage.
I am glad i destroyed her privacy because if i didnt look at her email i would have never found out Alhamdullah.
I think what Mz was saying is she might as well kill our mum because she is doing that exactly but not in a physical term, just a methapor.

But thanKs for ur concern and jazakallah kheir for all of your dua i am very grateful

[Olive]

MashaAllah! Alhamdulillah!

I'm so glad it's come to this. All praise to due to Allah! :D

[IbnAbdulHakim]

^ likewise, Alhamdulillaah !

[AvarAllahNoor]

You need to try a kinder approach first. Be a friend, find out why she's doing this. If that fails, then it's time to get heavy handed. Last resort only.

[gladTidings]

Salaam brs and sisters.

Firstly I agree with the above post and im actually shocked at the people who have suggested such harshness as the first option. You cant just slap the reality into someone or take away everything they have just to prove a point. I do not recall the prophet saw approaching any sinner with such harshness.

I have been in exactly the same situation as you sister. Im really happy that your sister has recognised where she went wrong and is now starting to make amends. I hope that she is genuinely sorry for her actions against your mother and inshAllah I hope that your mothers situation improves.

If I was 15 then maybe I would come up with a bitter response like suggested but from experience I know how wrong that is. Your sister will never like you for invading her privacy. If you are her friend and you gain her trust then she will be more likely to listen to you, you wont need to go through her stuff or feel suspicious of her every move. The root of this problem is the bad influence from her friends NOT that she has been granted too much freedom or has no father-figure. She is only 15 and doesnt know who she is but she is letting her bad friends dictate this, only because she probably feels they care for her. So you need to show her that you really care for her and you will be there if she needs someone to talk to.

I hope Allah swt forgives me for anything wrong I have said and guides your sister. Ameen

Ws.

[BlissfullyJaded]

:sl:

Whoa. I'm shocked. By the reaction.

I know full well what your sister is doing is dead wrong and in no way could I support it. She is harming herself more than she realizes. However, the reaction of your family is also harmful to her. I understand that this is a crisis, but you need to be a little rational about this.

She's 16 years old. And she doesn't have a positive male figure in her life. And to add to it, you already said your family is strict. I don't know what you mean by strict. There's good strict and there's bad strict. If it's bad strict, where everything is my way or the highway, that creates an environment where a teenager will do what he or she wants in a sneaky manner. Like sis pearl said, she's at a point where she's trying to figure herself out. You need to gently guide her and be the best friend she can have. Maybe she will give in because she won't want to be blamed for anything that happens to your mother, but what if she hits her 30s and still has figured everything in her life out and is still confused and emotionally a wreck?

The damage is done though. Seriously. If you were harsh towards her and invaded her privacy, she will be torn apart inside, and I'd realllly go out of my way to be kinder and prove to her that I care for her.

May Allah protect your lil sister and grant her guidance towards the right path and may He grant her the happiness she so deserves. Ameen.

[Camomilla]

:sl:
I didn't read all the responses...
Show her some lectures, like

Ways to Paradise-Imam Siraj Whhaj
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsWjs7hhSn0

This is an eye opening video, really.
I hope she changes and May Allah(SWT) guide her to the right path.

If you want to know or watch more lectures, feel free to ask :)
:w:

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:
Thank you again. Pearl what harshness are you talking about? I didnt raise my hand on her i spoke to and gave her islamic lectures about this i cried to her and opened up to her my mother is unwell and this is making her worse.

She left her email open and i did read the message that the boy was sending her and i dont regret it at all everything happens for a reason and i didnt read it and approach it she wouldnt have realise what she was doing is wrong.

My mother gave her freedom and she abused that so of course she is going to be grounded thats normal she needs to realise that her actions do carry consequences.

I can understand your point and i will isha allah talk to her more, thank you and ameen.

Jawrah my family is strict as in she cant stay out late a young girl shouldnt be out late and late means after maghrib, she can go out day time on weekeneds however now she is grounded and when she shows some respect she can gain it back.

My mother has been a friend to us but is important for your kids to respect you and realise that there will be trouble if they step out of line, i was very close with my sister and at times i feel it did more harm than good she saw me as being too much of a friend where she would completly disrespect me right now i feel that i need to teach her some discipline i have done so and she started respecting me again.

Not everyone has a father figure in their life and turn out fine while some do and dont.
But Jazakallah kheir for your duas i am very grateful.

[BlissfullyJaded]

:sl:

Being a friend does not equal a lack of respect. You can be a friend to your lil sister, yet guide her and set down rules. Be a friend so that she trusts you and is open to you, and with all that she reveals about herself, you guide her through your experience. If you both were too much of friends, I'm not sure how come she didn't tell you all this prior to you finding the e-mail...

Not everyone has a father figure in their life and turn out fine while some do and dont.

I'm aware of that. But she's not just anybody. She's a specific person with specific needs. You can't really tell her, kiddo others have made it without a father so you'd better make it too. All I'm saying is she may be turning to the wrong crowd to seek some sort of fulfillment, and you need to pull her away in a way that in her head she's happy with being pulled away.

I understand the difficulty your family is facing btw, and I hope I have not come off as judgmental or anything.

[cute123]

the point here right now is that she should react. and alhamdulillah she reacted that means it was the right approach taken. different people need different ways to be handled. akhee just go along . the steps that you feel will provide a postive result - doesnt matter even if u need to be strict with her. as she is taking it. thats alhamdulillah a positive sign

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:

Being a friend does not equal a lack of respect. You can be a friend to your lil sister, yet guide her and set down rules. Be a friend so that she trusts you and is open to you, and with all that she reveals about herself, you guide her through your experience. If you both were too much of friends, I'm not sure how come she didn't tell you all this prior to you finding the e-mail...


I'm aware of that. But she's not just anybody. She's a specific person with specific needs. You can't really tell her, kiddo others have made it without a father so you'd better make it too. All I'm saying is she may be turning to the wrong crowd to seek some sort of fulfillment, and you need to pull her away in a way that in her head she's happy with being pulled away.

I understand the difficulty your family is facing btw, and I hope I have not come off as judgmental or anything.

No no you havent dont worry thank you I understand what you are saying.:thumbs_up, everyone is different and i know my sister well she is very mouthy and she behaves better when I am more strict but i understand there should be a balance:)

the point here right now is that she should react. and alhamdulillah she reacted that means it was the right approach taken. different people need different ways to be handled. akhee just go along . the steps that you feel will provide a postive result - doesnt matter even if u need to be strict with her. as she is taking it. thats alhamdulillah a positive sign

Yes she did react, she knows my mother is soft and me and my sister are not so gullible, i am a strong believer in disciplining the children in the correct islamic way of course, Alhamdullah things are improving.

[Zahida]

:sl:Hmmmmmmmmmmmm if she was mine i would give her a good kick up the backside!! Where does she get off talking to her elders like that........ sounds like you have tried the soft approach.......... now get down to serious business......... She is the child here and you the adults....:w::raging:

rude to your mum? - I would suggest you slap the crap out her, then see what see has to say :thumbs_up

[UnknownOne]

Salaam Sis

For a start, get rid of all the negative thoughts.
Totally rid of all off it.
Don't believe that all her actions will result in such unwanted results, just believe she will find some sense. Keep talking to her. Spend some 'quality time' with her. Doing so may help to develop your relationship further so she may be able to open up to you further.

I share the sympathy for your sister. Just keep praying to Allah, Allah will always listen and provide support. Keep believing and talk to her, spend time with her.

Inshaallah it helps.

W.Salaam

[UnknownOne]

OOps excuse my previous response, I didnt realise there was a second page to this thread...

Oh well, you can still use what I've stated above to further help yourself and your family.
Inshallah everything works out fine.
W.salaam

[Sirat Mustaqeem]

:sl:

Try and tell her that your advice is for her own good and if she doesn't listen, Allah only knows where she could end up... it's sad. :'(

Where is the father to punish her? Where is the male in the family to provide discipline? How many warnings does she need before she realizes that she's bringing shame upon your family?

Take matters into your own hands however Allah (swt) sees fit. Pray she doesn't need the full measure of punishment ordained by Allah (swt)... the answer is in Sharia, as all things are. If she fears Allah (swt) she will prevent her punishment, and save your family the hurt.