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AnonymousPoster
11-17-2008, 03:35 PM
Bismilahi

:sl:

This is not easy for me. But I know that I can’t keep this secret hidden forever. I am 20 years old and I am married. When I was 16 I fell in love with an amazing Muslim man and we married each other. When I married him, I was so happy. Nothing on earth, could bring me down, with him I had wings. , He would always make me smile, and he was everything a Muslim should be. I know that no one can match up to rasululah (saw) but to me he was so close in character. We were so attracted to one another; he has beauty, an amazing mind, even wealth. He would practice his Islam to the fullest, never compromised his deen for anything. I would always dream of a man like this before I met him. When I finally met him it was like Allah took him out of my dreams and placed him in my reality. In the Muslim community women would envy me (young & old. Asking me, “how did you find a man like this”? I would just say Alhamdulilah.

I know that all the good I have in my life came from Allah alone, and all credit is due to Allah. When we first got married we lived together for only 2 weeks, after that due to some immigration issues he had to leave the country. But he was to return once things get sorted. During those 2 weeks, one week of it I had my period. So we couldn’t have been intimate fully. The week after when my period finished, nothing happened. Me being a young virgin I wasn’t really thinking of intercourse too much. If anything it was not really on my mind, mainly just freaking out about it. Was kind of happy that he didn’t approach me as soon as my period finished. I knew that it was going to happen, just be looking forward to it too much. I thought when it happens it will happen InshaAllah. While he was gone we always had contact, we were looking forward to the time we could be together again. We loved each other so much and were sad that we couldn’t be together as much as we would have liked.

At the same time we stayed patient and kept making allot of dua that Allah allows us to be together soon as husband and wife and to never ever be separated again. Well he would return again, this time he stayed 3 months. I was so happy when he returned, my husband whom I have only known as my husband through marriage for 2 weeks. I was over the moon and so was he.

During his stay, my love for him increased, we were being very affectionate except there was no intercourse. One night he mentioned that whenever he got too close I would freak out, and he would see fear in my eyes. That he didn’t want to hurt me and would wait until I got more comfortable. I thought that was sweet. A month passed and I am still a virgin. I started to actually think about it, but would never try to show it because of how shy I was. He asked me once, why I freak out? I didn’t know how to answer that. I asked him, have I ever stopped you? He said, no. I thought that would get him to think and show him that I of course want to be intimate with my husband regardless of how much I freak out. I thought, what Girl doesn’t freak out? If men all thought, oh my wife looks scared im not going to touch her, everyone would be virgin? One night he asked me, “why I don’t try to touch him”? I didn’t know how to answer it.

I have never been with a man before how was I suppose to know? He would tell me how it’s a sign that I don’t feel close to him. That he doesn’t
want to rape his own wife. Why don’t I act like I want it? I was so
confused, and started to think that there is something wrong with me. Later he confirmed to me that he’s also very shy and he’s a virgin too. I knew that he was a Virgin, so I began to think maybe he’s also freaking out InshaAllah we will get through this. My sisters would get married and all get pregnant, and I am still a virgin. My mother would ask me, “Are you taking the pill”? By the time my mother asked me this I was already married for a complete year and have lived with him that long too. I just said, yes. I had turned 17 then.

My mother gave me an earful of how bad the pill is for me, how I should stop taking it and that children are a blessing from Allah. I lied to protect his honor. I didn’t want anyone to think that he’s failing as a Man. Well, another year passed, still we’re virgins. When I turned 18, that night he began to kiss me, and he got close to being very intimate with me, then he stopped. He began to cry in my lap, asking me to forgive him. I told him that there is nothing to forgive. He said, I worry that I will lose you. There is no woman on this earth more beautiful then you, here we are I have you all to myself, and and. He didn’t finish it. I didn’t make him finish it. I just told him to sleep and that I wasn’t mad at him.

The next day, when we were sitting together, I asked him something. He uses to be catholic, although my knowledge was and still is limited in that area, but I use to hear how priests rape the boys in the church. When we met, he did tell me that he use to go to church as a young boy. So that day, I asked him about the time he use to go to church. Were you ever molested as a child, I asked him? He wouldn’t look at me, but he just gave me body language that says, sort of no. I didn’t ask again. I continued cooking, cleaning, doing my wifely duties. My parents visit us and keep asking me why I am not pregnant yet; I have now been married for 4 years. My father occasionally will take me aside, and say things like this to me “don’t worry children are a blessing from Allah, I know that it must have been hard trying for 4 years”. I have always loved my husband; he’s my friend and a very Allah fearing Mu’min. I don’t know how this all happened. I know that he never harmed me; he was always good to me. And although we never had sex, we had so much fun. All these years I have never looked at other men. No living being knows of this life I am living. I have always felt like it would be a betrayal to leave him just because he didn’t do it with me? My parents absolutely adore him and even call him their favourite son in law. I dont know what to do. I know that I have lived such a beautiful life.

He treats me like I am a princess, he’s so sweet and kind. I don't think that I will ever stop loving him. My mother wants me to get checked and find out why I cant have children. She sees how happy I am with my husband, she once told me in my Dads presence “If me and your father die, We know that we have given you to the best man on this earth”. I dont know what to do.

I am starting to imagine what a life would be with kids? To be a real wife who experiences every aspect of marriage life? Or will I die as a Virgin? I always get a lot of attention from men, even when we eat out together at restaurants. Whenever men in our Community see me they wonder if I am available for marriage? That's because of my age & my looks "ive been told" and most assume at first hand that I am single. When I have to say I am married, it feels a bit wrong. It’s only at times like that I am reminded of the fact that I am really not married. recently started to cry in my sleep, wondering what I did wrong? I have never hurt people, I have always been the one who everyone came to when they needed anything. Now I am living this life. My husband keeps telling me, that he can’t believe it that I am still married to him. I am now visiting my Family, I’ve been looking at some links and came across this forum while my lil sister was reading here. I have to tell her one day soon...I think she will be so shocked omg, She looks up to me, and looks at me and sees me smile. She has seen so many marriages fall apart, she told me I give her hope. That she wants to have a marriage like mine. I am sorry for the long post.

If I tell my parents they will make sure that I get divorced I know it in my heart. I need your advice ya muslimeen. I see commercials, talks of intimacy. I can't lie I wonder what thats like. But I am now beginning to accept that it might not happen with my husband, after 4 years of waiting now I think it might never happen. That breaks my heart, but I don't have any control over it.:cry:..Iwill stop writing, I don't want anyone to come in and see my tears. Pls make dua for me. I don't want to break a heart so beautiful, a heart that would die for me.

:w:
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Hamayun
11-17-2008, 08:24 PM
Assalamu Alaykum Sister,

It seems like you are married to a very loving, caring, and noble man Masha'Allah.

Sister he may be struggling due to things that may have happened to him as a child combined with the fact that he is a shy person.

You have to remember that he is probably also suffering as much if not more than you. It seems there may be something haunting him.

The only person in this world who can help him overcome his fears and shyness is you.

If it has been 4 years then he is afraid to make the first move. Children are the essence of married life sister. If you want children then it is your right to have them from your husband.

It may sound strange but I think you need to make the first moves here. Gently keep increasing the intimacy and help him feel comfortable. Most importantly you need to show him that is what you want.

I hope Allah makes things easy for you Sis but be strong and be there for your loving and caring husband.

Salam.
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Snowflake
11-18-2008, 12:14 AM
assalamu alaykum,

That breaks my heart...
Mine too dear sis.. but inshaAllah Allah's help and blessings will make everything better.

You're husband is very sensitive mashaAllah, but obviously it's made everything difficult for you both.

As for you, dear sis, if you can't bring yourself to initiate intimacy then don't force it. You do not want to be merely going through the motions, emotionlessly.

I truly believe that this is a psychological issue and think both of you will benefit from receiving psycho-sexual counselling (i think it's called). Both of you should discuss this and see your GP about it. Please do not feel ashamed in seeking help sister. If you do not want to approach GP you can find private doctors inshaAllah. But please don't delay it anymore as you know yourself the longer you leave something the harder it gets.

I pray Allah helps you both overcome this difficulty and increases His blessings in what already is a blessed marriage. MashaAllah :statisfie
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Ibn Abi Ahmed
11-18-2008, 04:23 AM
:sl:

I think you two need to communicate with each other about this. You're both young, and really you have a long life ahead of you Insha'Allaah so don't rush things. No marriage is smooth, there will always be issues that come up and they need to be dealt by both you together. Communication is the first step. You two love each other very much [and it's rare to find something like this] and because of that I definitely advise you to take your time and don't do anything rash which you'll regret later - like talking to your parents or outsiders [from either family I mean] - who as you said will make sure you two are separated. Different people have different problems, some couples are intimate but cannot have kids, but that doesn't mean they divorce. This is your private life with your husband and both of you can work on it together and solve it. Believe me, it isn't impossible. Intimacy will come, and it might take some more time and it'll be hard dealing w/ the societal pressures but you need to make it clear that your life is with your husband and things will happen as you two want and decide together as mature responsible adults. You need to be firm on this point. At this point there is no reason to get either family involved. Like Sr. Scents said above, you can even try counseling [there's nothing wrong or shameful with getting help].

He treats me like I am a princess, he’s so sweet and kind.
You know, because of that, please don't leave him. By your post it seems that you two have an awesome relationship with each other Masha'Allaah, and really based on that I would hate it if you divorced. Sometimes things need time and patience. Perhaps the past four years you two haven't talked about this subject except in awkward situations. Talk openly now and before you do, assure each other [and you to your husband especially] that you won't leave him - it'll make the conversation go a lot smoother and easier. He won't feel pressured or scared of losing you and will be more open. Believe me, as this is coming from a guy who knows how guys think. You need to let him know that you'll be by his side through the good and bad and this will ease his heart and it'll help the next steps move more smoothly.

I pray that everything works out for you two and that which you're seeking from each other comes about in the best of manners and that Allaah protects your relationship and love from envy and jealousy of others. Ameen.

:w:
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Al-Zaara
11-18-2008, 04:41 AM
Amiin to the adiya above!


Selam aleykum,

Wow, subhanAllah, sister I am sorry for what you and your husband have to go through... I gotta say, that relationship you have, sounds nearly perfect to me, mashaAllah.

Don't shy away to ask help from a doctor. But I too would advise not to talk with parents or your sister for example, see, I honestly believe once this has been solved you will wonder why it bothered you so much, inshaAllah.

I think you two have to communicte more openly about your desires, thoughts and fears. You still have to grow to know your sexuality and get comfortable with your body. That's why I think you could like some help from an proffessional, an therapist or the like. This seriously isn't that uncommon as it may seem! Many people even suffer a so-called "sexless" marriage after having sex for a time. It is better to you as soon as possible start doing something about this, try another things if the old didn't work out.

I wish you the best and inshaAllah things will soon get better!
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جوري
11-18-2008, 04:43 AM
:sl:
I trust that the bro srs here have given you excellent advise insha'Allah.. but dear sis can I just say
Marriage in the beginning and the end is about friendship, companionship, tenderness and mercy between two people.. How lucky it is you found love, do you have any idea how many marry out of obligation and because it is the thing to do rather than having this most precious and noble of all feelings?

why punish the love of your life for a difficulty he is having?
and why do you let your parents question you on such intimate details of your personal life?

It is no body's business why you are or aren't having children.. no one has a right to ask you such intimacies, this is something between you and your husband...

imagine all the people out there who couldn't have kids, those who have handicapped kids, those whose kids have died?
Sister you are being tested, pls don't fail this test..
I have a friend who got married at 16 to a man she hated, when he propositioned her, he sent his mother over, her own mom didn't know which girl he wanted, she had two girls.. his mother referred to her as 'the light one' on the account she had green eyes..imagine being objectified to such a degree-- she couldn't have children, everyone was in her business for yrs and yrs of insults and hurt and doctors she didn't want to go to.. she eventually had a kid at 33 , went into postpartum depression and wanted a divorce, she really lost her mind in ways I can't and don't want to describe to you...

sis.. may I suggest you go to couple's therapy and try to deal with your issues between you and your husband privately.. and give your family a firm but gentle stay out of my sex life!
I wish you all the best!

and Allah swt knows best

:w:
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islamirama
11-18-2008, 04:58 AM



First of all, mashallah to your marriage and bond and friendship. may Allah keep it strong and pure and on going inshallah. it is hard to find good mate these days, you two were made for each other endure such much in this matter and still feel the way you do. Four years of marriage without consumation is a long time. There is clearly something troubling your husband as well as you. In your case, shyness and hayas is all good but there is a time and place for that. You should be more open about your feelings and be able to express them physcially even if it's one night at a time. As for him,he could have a trouble past that is preventing him from take the aggressive or lead position and do anything to you.

What is lacking the most in your relationship is open communication. Even if you both are shy and don't want to make the first move or what not, it is very very important for you to talk about this issue and have it out in the open. Open communication in a marriage is the key to it's success. I don't think intmacy will be a problem, what is holding you back is what you don't know about eash other on this topic. You two need to find some time alone and sit down and talk about this. Ask what is troubling him, what thoughts and concerns he has and share yours as well. Then discuss those concerns and address them making plans to slowly get over what it is that holds each one of you back.

You know everyone comes to a wedding, to enjoy in your happiness, but very few comes to a funeral to share your sorrow. The true friends are the ones who share your sorrows and pain. This is kind of how marriage is also in some aspect. You can enjoy the happy days like anyone else but if the storm comes, can you handle it? Unless you know that is troubling each other and understand the low ends of each one, you won't be able to stand as pillar of support of each other. Again, I will stress that open communication is imperative in a successful relationship. Inshallah once you have this and clear things out, the rest will fall in place. Trust me on this, I give this advice you from a professional marriage counselor (not me, my former teacher).

may Allah make things easy for you inshallah and bless you succes in your marriage. Ameen
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chacha_jalebi
11-18-2008, 08:01 AM
as salaam alaykaaam :D

sistereeenooo

there is much much much much x 9999999999999 more to marriage then sex, seriously,

you sound like you have a tip top marriage, so why spoil it, try to build it and build it, and make it more stronger, dont let obsticles come in the way innay!!

also let your family know you dont wana talk to them about your private life, because its none of their business

all the best

cheerios
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AnonymousPoster
11-18-2008, 12:24 PM
If he is the one that stops out of fear then could you not take the 'lead' and see how it goes?
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Sahabiyaat
11-18-2008, 05:11 PM
:sl:
It may sound strange but I think you need to make the first moves here.

If he is the one that stops out of fear then could you not take the 'lead' and see how it goes?
my sis had quick skim read of your post too and the first thing she said was what other people have said above.

im not too keen on the whole counselling thing, its not good if you take your matters to other people, that should be a last resort.

You have to sit him down and tell him that you want to talk about this.Make sure hes in a good mood,cook him his favourite food,make the atmosphere nice, clean up the house, make sure hes happy and comfortable.

Then begin the discussion, follow everybodys tips, tell him you wont leave etc...tell him you will only be discussing this once, so he might aswell tell you everything.Dont cry yourself to sleep every night! Tell him what youve been through in the past 4 yrs! then tell him not to get upset and just tell his reasons.DO NOT end the discussion without getting some results, and let him know this too.

you should have had this discussion years ago honey, why suffer in silence before a man who you know loves you so much, whats stopping you?

his reasosn can be;

1) molestation etc in childhood
2) something 'physically' wrong that hes embarrassed about
3) excessive spirituality,i know its sounds strange, but maybe he just sees intercourse as something wrong, as you said he's so practising and god-fearing, so maybe thats whats making him behave so distant.

unless you dont find out, you can speculate for the rest of your life.So go for it.He's your husband, not some strange man you cant talk to.

Do let us know what happens honey, My Duas are with you, hope everything works out!

:w:
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roohani.doctor
11-18-2008, 06:48 PM
your story is very unique and heartbreaking....

take everyone's advice here sis, and not let your emotions get the better of you... all u need is to talk to him and let him talk to you...openly...

there is no relationship without communication and that is all you seem to be lacking... a marriage like yours is very rare... to have so much love and understanding and trust is so beautiful and you both are very lucky to have one another....

i think because of the fact you guys dint discuss this problem in the early days of your marriage you both just got really shy and felt it wasn't a necessity... im not married and prolly like you would be freaked out at first, but all my friends who r married have a wonderful and open relationship with their husbands... and you should too....

don't make any rash decisions honey, and especially don't involve other people until you have at least talked to your husband.... mayb he feels the same way and is too shy to discuss it with you...

he is the love of you life, as you have said.... and lemme tell you, not all of us get the chance to marry whom we want... i pray for both you and insha'allah insha'allah may Allah bless you and solve all your problems.....Ameen
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Hawa
11-18-2008, 11:24 PM
I have to question the closeness of your relationship, clearly if you've been unable to raise this issue in four years then sex isn't the only thing missing.
You need to come to terms with the fact that you've been living with a stranger, can you really love someone you barely know? Your husband should've raised these issues before you got married, what on earth does he think about this whole situation? Does he really expect you to never question him...or to stick around?

I'm sorry but the whole thing's a bit iffy to me...

Methinks calling it quits now would be best.
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syilla
11-19-2008, 04:07 AM
:salamext:

I'm sorry...but i agree with sis Hawa on this...

I'm sorry but the whole thing's a bit iffy to me...
The best best way is for you both to have an open heart to heart conversation. Ask him... in the nicest way so that he will spill out everything...

If he says... there is no problem or anything...

Set a date...go for a honeymoon. Tell him to proof...that everything will be going to be alright. (and don't think that one honeymoon will proof everything...lol... make sure it is a few honeymoons...without stress)

You have to remember...everything has to have a limit. Be wise and gentle (think about yourself and others too)...and ask yourself until when you are going to wait.

You have to think about yourself too hun... and try to solve this in the bestest manner. and don't just leave it to solve itself on its own.

you will be in our doa... Remember Tawakallahu Alllah...

and don't worry too much... Just be wise and know what you want.
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Afraa
11-20-2008, 12:14 AM
Assalama caleykum sister,


I a deeply sorry to hear that you are going through. Manshallah for being a bride and having a devoted husband.

However i do agree with all the other brothers and sister here. If it is a problem to you then you need to communicate with your husband, and secondly i think you need to bring intamacy to him.

Am sure both of you guys are comfortable with each other and you should feel shy about doing certain things.

I think one problem us women have is we wait for the first approach. Sometimes it works to our advantage and sometimes it doesn't however he is your husband.

Honestly i wouldn't suggest divorce because it seems like your happy except for that part, but it's your duty to make him forget (atleast for the moment) about his past and focus on you.

Sister be strong and inshallah with your effort everything is going to be alright. There is nothing to be ashamed of HE IS YOUR HUSBAND, and what you guys do remains between you two.

best of luck inshallah.
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glo
11-20-2008, 03:09 AM
Greetings anon

Whilst I agree that you and your husband seem to have a beautifully loving and caring relationship with each other, I also have to say that for a young healthy married couple not to have sex for such a long time is highy unusual, to say the least.

It is fine to say that there is more to marriage than sex. Of course that's true. But sexual desire is one of the strongest human instinctive urges, and within the context of a marriage there should be no reason to suppress it.
Having a sexual realtionship is also a wonderfully bonding act between a husband and wife.

How do you truly feel about losing your virginity?
When your husband says that 'you freak out when he comes close', what does he mean by that?
Is he right? Do you freak out? Or was this just the case at the beginning of your marriage?

Have you told and /or shown your husband that you would like him to make love to you? That you physically desire him? That he needs not be afraid of hurting you?
With the loving and caring relationship you two have, are you able to sit down and openly speak about these things?

Like everything else, sex requires a little practice. The first attempts will seem a little awkward and clumsy ... just like learning anything else new! :)
People have all kinds of fears about it. You are not the only ones!
Perhaps you both need to relax about it. Try and have a laugh about it. Have a go, take a risk, experiment!
You will get better with time. :)

I would suggest that you and your husband try to seek some relationship counselling. It could help you to express your own feelings and desires. It could help your husband to explore his own fears and barriers.

PM me if you like.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Danah
11-20-2008, 04:47 AM
asalam Alykom wa rahmat allah sister
your story did really affect me, you are in my duaa. May allah keep things easy for you two

there is no better advice I can come up with than what have been written above . I think its something psychological in why he fear coming close, and the best thing to do is asking for counseling, but the most important thing to do before that is how you can tell him about your need to seek help without hurting him. I don't know but there are some men who feel like this is hurting their pride as men. So be wise when talk to him about that and do it in an indirect way that will not affect his feeling, because as I understand from your post that he is sensitive, so this might destroy him and lose his confidence in himself.
I also think that when two shy persons get along together, it might makes things harder to manage......... this might be one of the reasons sister

May allah guide you both to the right path ..... and ease your affairs and bless you with good children ...ameen
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anonymous
11-20-2008, 07:49 AM
:salamext:

Four years is a very long time for a couple who are attracted to and love each other. Judging by what you have told us, it seems unlikely that it is (just) a matter of lack of communication.

As for going through child abuse, that could be the cause. But many people get over that when they get married and have a good and happy relationship with their spouse.

There could be a possibility that your husband or/and you are under the influence and effects of Sihr (Magic) which is making him unable to have marital relations. As well as what others have told you, I would advise you to consult a righteous person with a sound aqeedah who has knowledge and expertise in the field of dealing with the Jinns and find out. Just incase the problem is being caused by a shaytaan Jinn. Because if your problem is being caused due to interference from magic, then no doctor or counselling will help it go away, even if they were top in their field. They don’t have the complete cure because they reject the reality of Jinn and their effects in our lives proven and confirmed in the Qur’aan and Ahadith.

And it is because of this reality of magic and shaytaans forces, that the Prophet :arabic5: has told us many invocations to read, in order to protect ourselves and our families from the harm caused by it. Such as al-mu’awwizaat (Chapters 112, 113, 114 in Qur’aan), Ayaat al Kursi etc. I don’t know if u read them already, but if u don’t, I would strongly advise that you start to.

I pray that everything works out for you two and that which you're seeking from each other comes about in the best of manners and that Allaah protects your relationship and love from envy and jealousy of others. Ameen.
Aameen. And it is due to the jealousy and envy of others that they try to harm man and his wife, but no harm can they do except what Allaah wills.

Ask Him to help you, especially during the last part of the night because that is when He descends to the lowest of Heavens and responds to those calling out to Him .

And Allaah alone grants success.


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Snowflake
11-20-2008, 11:47 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Hawa
I have to question the closeness of your relationship, clearly if you've been unable to raise this issue in four years then sex isn't the only thing missing.
You need to come to terms with the fact that you've been living with a stranger, can you really love someone you barely know? Your husband should've raised these issues before you got married, what on earth does he think about this whole situation? Does he really expect you to never question him...or to stick around?
I'm sorry but the whole thing's a bit iffy to me...
Methinks calling it quits now would be best.
format_quote Originally Posted by syilla
:salamext:
I'm sorry...but i agree with sis Hawa on this...
I disagree. It may be you can't fully comprehend how people's experiences affect them mentally and physically. This doesn't make it 'iffy'. The human mind is very complex and what affects one person may not mean anything to another. It's impossible to pinpoint what the problem can be without delving deeper into it.

It is not unheard of men cutting off intimate relations with their wives for fear of hurting them, especially after childbirth. I've heard some stories of why some couples never consummated their marriage for various reasons, but I don't feel it's relevant to share. However there are people who've been brought up to believe that sexual intercourse is such a dirty thing that they cannot see it in any other way. Another thing could be excessive spirituality where the person no longer receives fulfilment from physical pleasures. Allahu alim.

I also disagree with the sister who said the matter should remain between husband and wife. It did for four years. If they were able to sort it out it'd been done sooner when the desire to consummate the marriage is stronger. It is harder when people become settled in their ways. Perhaps both want that but are afraid to rock the boat? I can see no harm in getting professional help but only benefit.


If a man/woman can't have children they seek medical help knowing full well what 'having a baby' entails. No one feels ashamed to get checked out. Then why does the issue of sexual psychological problems have such a stigma attached to it. To advise someone of keeping it private is exactly why people feel ashamed and embarrassed to seek help in the first place. An illness is an illness, whether it's of the mind or body. God forbid it's something that cannot be resolved. At least it will be out in the open, and the sister will be able to decide what she wants to do next.
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maryam87
11-21-2008, 03:05 AM
WOW sis ur strong, however sis u have to do something about it. The advices above were good so i have nothing to add only that i totally agree with sis Hawa. if ur relationship was really close then he should have opened up to u by now i mean its been 4 years!!!
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anonymous
07-13-2009, 01:28 PM
:sl: brothers and sisters

I am currently not living with my husband as I am visiting my sick mother. During my time away from him: I come to realise that I can't live without him. I really love him too much to ever leave him. There's some things going on at the moment that are causing me pain in my heart. My extended family deliberately introducing me to other men, in hopes to get me to leave my husband. They are doing it in a sneaky way, everytime I try to speak against it they manage to make it look harmless. Making me look paranoid.

Before I married my husband almost everyone was against me marrying. Except my parents who always stood by me. My aunties, uncles were shattered when my marriage was taking place as they wanted me for one of their sons. I am now starting to think that maybe I have their evil eye. This thought never really occurred to me, but the possibility is there. May Allah shield me from their eyes ameen.

They keep suggesting sinister things to my parents 'He's infertile, your daughter should have had 4 children by now' they don't realise that there is more to life besides children and that only whatever Allah wants happens in the end.

I feel like everywhere I look someone is trying to ruin our marriage. As the years pass by, the fact we dont have children is becoming public news in my Family circles, I am basically households best gossip. People try to put doubts in my heart every chance they get. Make duas for us brothers sisters.

Me & my husband have been talking about the issues in our marriage alot, he wants us to go to Morroco away from everyone. He finished Uni, has now a great Job. jazkaAllahukhayran for making us duas.
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Layla454
07-13-2009, 02:05 PM
:w:

I'm sorry sister for what you have been through. Reading your post, it seems as if he has some sort of psychological problem or something has occured in his life that is stopping him from being intimate with you. You need to sit down with him, reassure him and talk about what is holding him back.

You are his wife and he should be able to confide in you if you gain his trust.
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MinAhlilHadeeth
07-13-2009, 02:17 PM
:salamext:

Maasha'Allaah @ going to Morocco. May it be a fresh and blessed start for both of you! As for the evil eye, read adhkaar on your self and trust in Allaah. Inshaa'Allaah all will be well.

As a married woman, who understands the beauty and worth of love, I advise you to stay with your husband and work things out if you truly love him as you say. Every marriage has its trials. May Allaah bless you both with righteous offspring who will be the coolness to your eyes.
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AnonymousPoster
07-13-2009, 02:36 PM
:sl:
Your situation reminds me of a sinister hollywood movie i had seen when I was doing much good and pretty good evil. The protagonist was scared of sex and ultimately his wife brings him out of it. Listen, its beautiful to see that you two love each other so much, Mashallah, may Allah bless both of you and this marriage. But sis, seriously, stop hoping and complaining and start doing something about it. I understand that you're a girl and you're very shy about all this but come on a person gives up all his/her shyness in front of only his/her spouse. As partners, you ought to know each other completely and sometimes to save relationships you have to do something which you've never done before. Sometimes its against your happiness but here its "for" your happiness. He might be shy but if it goes on then who knows you might fall into a bigger problem and consequences might be full of regrets. As you are with your mom now so when you go back to your husband, take him in your arms and tell him how much you missed him. I wonder what words to use to maintain the dignity here.:-[

Hug him, kiss him and increase the intimacy from your side. To put it straight, you'll literally have to seduce him and YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE CHARGE. All these fears stay only till the first attempt. When a phobic faces his phobia, he gets rid of it. For the sake of at least negating the evil eye, give up that shyness for once and show him the beauty of this natural act which was further beautified by the following Hadeeth.

It was narrated from Abu Dharr that some people from among the companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “O Messenger of Allaah, the rich people will get more reward. They pray as we pray, and they fast as we fast, but they give in charity from their excess wealth.” He said, “Has not Allaah given you things with which you can give charity? Every tasbeehah (saying ‘Subhaan Allaah (Glory be to Allaah)’) is a charity. Every Takbeerah (saying ‘Allaahu akbar (Allaah is Most Great)’) is a charity. Every Tahmeedah (saying ‘al-hamdu-Lillaah (praise be to Allaah)’ is a charity. Every Tahleelah (saying ‘Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah (there is no god but Allaah)’) is a charity. Enjoining what is good is a charity. Forbidding what is evil is a charity. Having intercourse (with one’s wife) is a charity.” They said, “O Messenger of Allaah, if one of us fulfils his desire, is there reward in that?” He said, “Do you not see that if he does it in a haraam way he will have the burden of sin? So if he does it in a halaal way, he will have a reward for that.” (Narrated by Muslim, 1674)
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- IqRa -
07-13-2009, 02:44 PM
But you are both adults now, so you should both feel comfortable in being intimate- all the way- no?
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AnonymousPoster
07-13-2009, 03:35 PM
Sis, to be honest I really feel sorry for your husband but not you at all, he's a man and he will have needs. You will read alot about younger brothers wanting to get married early, purely for the sake of Allah to protect themselves from sin, this dunya is a huge fitna, and for men - women are one of the greatest trials as the prophet has said. MashAllah its great that your husband is practising deen but even then every man has his needs (how strong - depending on the person) and I'm pretty sure this will have built up over the four years to become a huge trial for him now.

You two as spouses have a role to protect each other from the sin of illegal sexual acts, he might not be showing it but he probably is struggling badly to keep you comfortable and himself protected.

So take this advice from another brother and please give the brother his rights. Your intimacy is nothing to be scared about, it is actually a blessing, our prophet has said that because you are doing it the halal way you will recieve good deeds for it. So stop being afraid, think about your husband and it should become something that you'll both enjoy. I think if you carry on like this, you will fall into sin.
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anonymous
07-13-2009, 07:14 PM
I need to admit this:

I have been thinking I finally realise that it was me who was the biggest obstacle all along. Glo's post made me realise this. At the very early stages in our marriage I have always been scared of the 'deed' itself. I wouldn't mind kissing/touching but when I could tell that he was getting excited I would get scared. Believe me I know he has feelings, I have felt them.

I have brought this upon us, I am the one to blame. I made it quite clear to my husband that I am scared. He was being patient all this time, waiting for me to relax. And just when I started wanting it, I had no guts to show it. I am madly attracted to him and do want him.

I remember when we first got married, When i was on my period he wanted me but I told him 'I have my period' when i said that I felt relief, happiness. He still wanted to play around with me, but I remember being pathetically shy 'making stupid excuses. I even been wearing my hijab for the first two weeks we were together. I didn't want him to see my hair it's rediculous i know. Imagine how I felt when he wanted to undress me.

Months into our marriage i have even suggested he gets a second wife (because I knew deep down that I was the reason we didn't do it). He was quite angry when I said that.

I have been the root cause for all this. I realise it now...May Allah show me mercy. amee n.
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Asiyah3
07-13-2009, 07:33 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Sis, to be honest I really feel sorry for your husband but not you at all, he's a man and he will have needs. You will read alot about younger brothers wanting to get married early, purely for the sake of Allah to protect themselves from sin, this dunya is a huge fitna, and for men - women are one of the greatest trials as the prophet has said. MashAllah its great that your husband is practising deen but even then every man has his needs (how strong - depending on the person) and I'm pretty sure this will have built up over the four years to become a huge trial for him now.

You two as spouses have a role to protect each other from the sin of illegal sexual acts, he might not be showing it but he probably is struggling badly to keep you comfortable and himself protected.

So take this advice from another brother and please give the brother his rights. Your intimacy is nothing to be scared about, it is actually a blessing, our prophet has said that because you are doing it the halal way you will recieve good deeds for it. So stop being afraid,
I agree 100%.

Your husband told you:

"One night he mentioned that whenever he got too close I would freak out, and he would see fear in my eyes. That he didn’t want to hurt me and would wait until I got more comfortable."


"He asked me once, why I freak out?"

"One night he asked me, “why I don’t try to touch him”?"

"He would tell me how it’s a sign that I don’t feel close to him. That he doesn’t
want to rape his own wife. Why don’t I act like I want it? "

"When I turned 18, that night he began to kiss me, and he got close to being very intimate with me, then he stopped. He began to cry in my lap, asking me to forgive him."

I think he's already explained to you everything. You HAVE TO do the first move, coz he might think you're frightened like he said.
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mathematician
07-13-2009, 07:58 PM
No intercourse for 4 years? Did I read that correctly? You 2 most be very brave, and maybe in some ways it's weird. Maybe it has to do with being too young. Who knows.
While it is true that marriage is more than just sex, everyone knows that marriage was made permissible in Islam mainly for the purpose of allowing intercourse. Yes there are other reasons but that was the main one.
I have to tell you your situation freaks me out. :) If for example a sister of mine or a female relative was married to a man and they had not slept together for 4 years I would be concerned for her. Maybe you two should see a professional psychologist to see where the anxiety comes from.
Finally, sister please don't make the mistake so many women out there make. Try to miniimize that whole "I can't live without him."
He seems like a nice guy, but suppose that one day he decides that you know what I am out of this marriage, then what? Will your world fall apart?
That shouldn't happen and so many women make that mistake. It's nice to love someone but you cannot make your happiness dependant on someone else. That should only be reserved for Allah because He is unique.
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Abdul Fattah
07-13-2009, 08:11 PM
Selam aleykum
I'm not a psychologist, and I don't know your husband, but if indeed your suspicion about him being abused as a child is true, then he could feel guilty about being abused. I know that doesn't appear to make sense, as there obviously is no guilt in being a victim. Yet it is a very common feeling among people who have suffered this. The tricky part is, that usually they don't realise this. Once they realise that they feel guilty about it, they understand how backwards the feeling is. But as long as the feeling remains dormant, they are unaware of even having this feeling, so as far as they know, the "being abused" part isn't even an issue.

This dormant guilt could very well be the reason why he also feels guilt when approaching you, and you don't respond and freeze up. He is projecting his dormant feelings about his past abuse onto you. and assuming you feel the same.

Again, I'm not a psychologist, and I could be way off, this is just how the puzzle seems to fit based on the little information you told us. If the subject of abuse ever comes up in conversation, make sure to stress that it is not his fault.

May Allah subhana wa ta'ala make it easy for you and bless and reward you for your patience with each other. It is truly a remarkable thing.
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Snowflake
07-13-2009, 09:18 PM
Sis, whether or not you can live the rest of your life in this situation is another story, but at least you have to know the truth. Cuz, living with the truth is far easier than living with questions for the rest of your life. I don't think you want to spend years wondering why. And when you mature, you will see things in a different light. What if having kids becomes so important to you that it overrides your love for him. Trust me, we change as we get older. Our priorities change in ways you can never imagine.

Obviosuly, your husband didn't give you the truth in four years, so you need to find out for yourself. And the fact that he asks you why you are afraid etc etc doesnt mean that he is willing and you are not. Men are so clever. It could be just a cover up. But it's up to you to find out. It's one thing living like thta with a mutual decision but totally another if you are forced to live with it. Under normal circumstances, no normal man will not attempt to consumate his marriage in four years. You have to be brave to find out for for once and for all what is going on exactly.

You should confront your husband in a casual but firm manner. Ask him why things are the way they are. If he fobs you off, then put your shame/shyness aside and encourage him physically. You will get your answer, or at least a part of it by his response.

If a husband of mine told me he had some problem, and provided it was incurable I'd happily accept it and love him regardless. But if he jus shut his mouth and expected me to live like a nun, I'd kick him where it hurts. It's just not done. Just do it sis. Be brave and make him face it. Then if he needs help, help him get it. But don't sacrifice your desires for a man who doesn't realise what he is putting his wife through.
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anonymous
07-14-2009, 01:43 AM
if you know your husband and know that he isn't going to harm you in any way, then just go with the flow.
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AnonymousPoster
07-15-2009, 01:50 AM
:sl:

This is a very strange situation and in fact, a very bad and evil situation as well. If intercourse without marriage is a sin then marriage without intercourse is sin in its own way. And its strange to see that you earlier blamed your husband and picturised him as a complete weirdo and then you later take the blame on yourself and you guys have been married for four years. By this time, most couples expect their second child and you guys are literally making fun of each other and also the freedom given by Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala). You say that your husband doesn't wanna hurt you and scare you and so he doesn't do it. Thats an absolute mess. Alright. A similar situation happened with Rasoolullah :saws: and the first verse of Surah Tahreem (Surah 66) was revealed on that occassion. Here's Abdullah Yusuf Ali's translation and commentary on that verse :

يَا أَيُّهَا النَّبِيُّ لِمَ تُحَرِّمُ مَا أَحَلَّ اللَّهُ لَكَ ...

1. O Prophet! why holdest thou to be forbidden that which Allah has made lawful to thee?


C5529. The Prophet's household was not like other households. The Consorts of Purity were expected to hold a higher standard in behaviour and reticence than ordinary women, as they had higher work to perform. See n. 3706 to 33:28.

But they were human beings after all, and were subject to the weaknesses of their sex, and they sometimes failed. The commentators usually cite the following incident in connection with the revelation of these verses.

It is narrated from 'Aisha, the wife of the holy Prophet (peace be on him) by Bukhari, Muslim, Nasai. Abu Dawud and others that the holy Prophet usually visited all his wives daily after 'Asr Prayer. Once it so happened that he stayed longer than usual at the quarters of Zaynab bint Jahsh, for she had received from somewhere some honey which the holy Prophet liked very much. "At this", says 'Aisha, "I felt jealous, and Hafsa, Sawda, Safiya, and I agreed among ourselves that when he visits us each of us would tell him that a peculiar odour came from his mouth as a result of what he had eaten, for we knew that he was particularly sensitive to offensive smells".

So when his wives hinted at it, he vowed that he would never again use honey. Thereupon these verses were revealed reminding him that he should not declare to himself unlawful that which Allah had made lawful to him.

The important point to bear in mind is that he was at once rectified by revelation, which reinforces the fact that the prophets are always under divine protection, and even the slightest lapse on their part is never left uncorrected. (R).

... تَبْتَغِي مَرْضَاتَ أَزْوَاجِكَ ...

Thou seekest to please thy consorts.


C5530. The tender words of admonition addressed to the Consorts in 33:28-34 explain the situation far better than any comments can express. If the holy Prophet had been a mere husband in the ordinary sense of the term, he could not have held the balance even between his private feelings and his public duties. But he was not an ordinary husband, and he abandoned his renunciation on his realisation of the higher duties with which he was charged, and which required conciliation with firmness.

... وَاللَّهُ غَفُورٌ رَّحِيمٌ ﴿١﴾

But Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful
See, Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Taala) immediately reprimanded Rasoolullah :saws: when he forbade something just to please his wife. Is your husband doing any different? The answer is no and he (or both of you) is going against the Qur'an just because you too are "shy":blind:. Wake up.

Rasoolullah :saws: curse is on some people who do wrong and one of those people is a disobedient wife. Rasoolullah :saws: once said

"Allah curses a woman who sleeps the night while her husband is angry with her.”

The curse is on the wife who sleeps without satisfying the sexual desires of her husband.

Its good to see that you two are very pious and religious but right here you guys are committing major evil.

What I strongly recommend to you is that you show this thread to your husband or at least this post. The verse of Surah Tahreem is enough to make you understand that holding something which is halaal as haraam is against the Qur'an. A brother earlier in this thread already quoted the hadeeth of intercourse being an act of sadaqa.

Alee (radhiAllaahu 'anhu) reports that the Messenger (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) said:

'There is no obedience to anyone in disobedience to Allah, verily obedience is in that which is correct .'


Collected by al-Bukhaaree,Muslim and an-Nasaa'ee 'as- Saheehah of al-Albaanee no.181
I hope you guys give up this evil haya for the sake of Allah and start increasing the numbers of this Ummah.:D

Moreover, you guys are stealing each other's rights of intimacy to each other. Just think, if its because of your hesitation that he's scared then sister we are living in a kingdom of trials. The world is fully loaded with fitnah and what if, someday he finds someone who won't have any hesitation, Allah forbid, or what if, you get involved with someone who won't care about your hesitation and just do it, Allah forbid.

Being a guy, I can honestly tell you that guys like it when the girl makes the first move, not just in this area but all. Like if there's fight then the man would really like it if the wife turns to reconciliation before him.

It is possible that its the evil eye or sihr but are you just gonna stay its victim all your life. God helps those who hep themselves.

I'd be very upfront here, when you return to your husband's home, physically express to him, how much you missed him not just during your stay at your Mom's place but in the last four years.

Sister, the next post I'd like to see from you is the one in which you'll be giving us (your brothers and sisters on LI) the good news of us becoming Uncles and Aunts :). I'll make dua for you InshAllah.

:w:
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alcurad
07-15-2009, 03:08 AM
hmm, I'm reminded of an article I read a while ago, about this sister who remained a virgin for 10 years, and when they finally decided to do the thingy she had to do a minor operation since her her body was not ready after so long.

sister, you probably need to make the first move, don't rush it but wait for too long and this will cause major problems, go to a counselor if you can't work it out yourselves.

it's a very simple thing, as in letting things take their course, you maybe need to give a little push, otherwise he's your man and you're his wife, so it doesn't take much thought or over deliberation, matters of the flesh are not separate from matters of mind, but inserting one into the other is not constructive.

not to mention, this is one of your rights as wife, and this sort of self imposed celibacy between husband and wife is clearly forbidden in the first place.
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alcurad
07-15-2009, 03:15 AM
went back and read the replies, this is a fairly good and natural one:

format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
:sl:
Your situation reminds me of a sinister Hollywood movie i had seen when I was doing much good and pretty good evil. The protagonist was scared of sex and ultimately his wife brings him out of it. Listen, its beautiful to see that you two love each other so much, Mashallah, may Allah bless both of you and this marriage. But sis, seriously, stop hoping and complaining and start doing something about it. I understand that you're a girl and you're very shy about all this but come on a person gives up all his/her shyness in front of only his/her spouse. As partners, you ought to know each other completely and sometimes to save relationships you have to do something which you've never done before. Sometimes its against your happiness but here its "for" your happiness. He might be shy but if it goes on then who knows you might fall into a bigger problem and consequences might be full of regrets. As you are with your mom now so when you go back to your husband, take him in your arms and tell him how much you missed him. I wonder what words to use to maintain the dignity here.:-[

Hug him, kiss him and increase the intimacy from your side. To put it straight, you'll literally have to seduce him and YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE CHARGE. All these fears stay only till the first attempt. When a phobic faces his phobia, he gets rid of it. For the sake of at least negating the evil eye, give up that shyness for once and show him the beauty of this natural act which was further beautified by the following Hadeeth.

It was narrated from Abu Dharr that some people from among the companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “O Messenger of Allaah, the rich people will get more reward. They pray as we pray, and they fast as we fast, but they give in charity from their excess wealth.” He said, “Has not Allaah given you things with which you can give charity? Every tasbeehah (saying ‘Subhaan Allaah (Glory be to Allaah)’) is a charity. Every Takbeerah (saying ‘Allaahu Akbar (Allaah is Most Great)’) is a charity. Every Tahmeedah (saying ‘al-hamdu-Lillaah (praise be to Allaah)’ is a charity. Every Tahleelah (saying ‘Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah (there is no god but Allaah)’) is a charity. Enjoining what is good is a charity. Forbidding what is evil is a charity. Having intercourse (with one’s wife) is a charity.” They said, “O Messenger of Allaah, if one of us fulfills his desire, is there reward in that?” He said, “Do you not see that if he does it in a haraam way he will have the burden of sin? So if he does it in a halal way, he will have a reward for that.” (Narrated by Muslim, 1674)
reps:thumbs_up

NB: it seems that your relationship is one that's very much anchored in 'feelings', also that probably both of you are quite unprepared for such an act, I'd advise going slowly but firmly about this, what should be an act that strengthens a couple's bond, and fulfill their needs should never turn into a stumbling block, you can do it , just stop procrastinating :/

sorry if anything offends/comes off as wrong, bestest of luck.
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AnonymousPoster
07-15-2009, 04:47 AM
i am sorry to say this,but it seems the guy is unable to provide his wife with this.if he were not,then they would surely have done that by now...four years is a long time man.why not ask him straight away,if he is sexually capable or not?please consult a doctor or a therapist asap,dont wait any longer,its already too late.
i apologize in advance if this sounds rude,i really didnt mean to hurt your feelings dear sister,forgive me please.but to me the naive idea of "talking openly to him,making the first move,and all these innocent solutions sound just ridiculous.its not that simple surely...and what strengthens my argument is that your husband asked you to forgive him,doesnt it give you the clue?
be strong,its your right...its entirely up to you to accept him after that,this is no one else's business.but you should know the reality anyway.
Allah barik feek!
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Tony
07-15-2009, 07:06 AM
If ever you are asked of the meaning of true love sister, all you need reply is I have found it and my story is proof that it exists. May Allah bless you both with children and reward you both for your patience and gentle care of each other. If it acceptable for me to offer any advice then I would say relax, make it special and take control. If only all of us could experience such a beautifull relationship as yours the world would be in utter peace. May Allah bless your marriage, Ameen
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Abdul Fattah
07-15-2009, 08:16 PM
Selam aleykum
To all those who post advice anonymous,
Why do you feel the need to post anonymous, is it perhaps because you fear that people will dislike you based on what you said? Perhaps you should consider this urge to post advice anonymously as a sign that your advice isn't really that good, since you don't want the post to be associated with your name?

The sister came here for advice with a difficult and complex situation, not to hear the anonymous judgement of some people who don't appear to grasp the difficulty of the situation.
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mathematician
07-15-2009, 08:29 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
if you know your husband and know that he isn't going to harm you in any way, then just go with the flow.
Subhan Allah, is this serious advice?
I think that if the prophet peace be upon him heard of such a situation he would tell the man to divorce the woman if he cannot fulfill the most important part of marriage.
This is no joke. So to say "just go with the flow" needs much more thinking.

(Now moderators, there is nothing wrong in what I just said, so please use common sense when choosing what to delete)
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Abdul Fattah
07-15-2009, 08:38 PM
Selam aleykum
Alpha dude, I was mostly refreing to the posts under "anounymousgender", not the post of "anonymous LI oldschool"
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mathematician
07-15-2009, 08:39 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Alpha Dude
What do you mean? What's wrong with what anon said? Go with the flow to me implies to "just let him do his thing" with her.
What flow brother? 4 years nothing went on. They need to see a psychologist or counsellor and seek help.
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mathematician
07-15-2009, 08:54 PM
jazakAllahu khairan Alpha Dude.
My understanding was that the person was saying as long as your husband doesn't harm you then it's ok to stay in the current situation of your marriage.
I misunderstood.
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Ansariyah
07-15-2009, 08:54 PM
wow I can't believe how rude some people are on here. This is such a sensitive issue for the sister, if u guys don't have an ounce of shame or respect in ur bone, I suggest u stop n go do something else. N why u posting under anonymous, maybe u are ashamed? Guilty? I can't believe it that some of u are encouraging divorce for a couple that loves each other this much!

This is wat I got to say to the sista. I truly admire u, u are one amazing sister to have so much patience. Stand by ur husband through this, InshaAllah I will make dua that Moroco will open beautiful doors for u in ur life ameen. This IS life, This is LOVE. Despite all the struggles u been through ur still together MashaAllah!!. May Allah grant u righteous offsrpring ameen.: )
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Al-Zaara
07-15-2009, 09:33 PM
I remember this thread and have been wondering what happened, I'm glad you posted again but sad to hear you're still struggling. InshaAllah, Morroco will be good for your relationship, his and your self-confidence. He sounds so wonderful and he wants you, only you, that's like a dream come true! Don't give up, sis. Please, protect yourself against the evil eye, inshaAllah! Make lots of dua. Talk with him. I sincerely hope things will go better!!!
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Ansariyah
07-15-2009, 09:48 PM
Sorry Sista, I went on to read ur other post. I see ur shy (MashaAllah), n feel like it's ur fault, but sis it's no ones fault. U are both so lucky to have each other, as u can see in this thread some people don't have the tolerance/patience u have. Allah gave u the most beautiful gift, Love & patience. U are very fortunate, so is ur husband.

There are people who have done it(sorry theres no better way to say it), but are lacking the love u have, this beautiful bond u both have.

Anyone can do wat u havent done yet, but how many can be given the Love that ALlah has given u? MashaAllah, May Allah protect this blessing he bestowed upon u from the evil eye ameen.
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anonymous
07-15-2009, 10:12 PM
:sl: Sister, there are some trustworthy people you can contact to find out whether this is the evil eye or magic etc.

Please see here:

http://forums.alkauthar.org/showthread.php?t=6183

Please find out and seek appropriate help. may Allaah help u overcome your problems and protect your marriage. Aameen.

format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
:salamext:

Four years is a very long time for a couple who are attracted to and love each other. Judging by what you have told us, it seems unlikely that it is (just) a matter of lack of communication.

As for going through child abuse, that could be the cause. But many people get over that when they get married and have a good and happy relationship with their spouse.

There could be a possibility that your husband or/and you are under the influence and effects of Sihr (Magic) which is making him unable to have marital relations. As well as what others have told you, I would advise you to consult a righteous person with a sound aqeedah who has knowledge and expertise in the field of dealing with the Jinns and find out. Just incase the problem is being caused by a shaytaan Jinn. Because if your problem is being caused due to interference from magic, then no doctor or counselling will help it go away, even if they were top in their field. They don’t have the complete cure because they reject the reality of Jinn and their effects in our lives proven and confirmed in the Qur’aan and Ahadith.

And it is because of this reality of magic and shaytaans forces, that the Prophet :arabic5: has told us many invocations to read, in order to protect ourselves and our families from the harm caused by it. Such as al-mu’awwizaat (Chapters 112, 113, 114 in Qur’aan), Ayaat al Kursi etc. I don’t know if u read them already, but if u don’t, I would strongly advise that you start to.

Aameen. And it is due to the jealousy and envy of others that they try to harm man and his wife, but no harm can they do except what Allaah wills.

Ask Him to help you, especially during the last part of the night because that is when He descends to the lowest of Heavens and responds to those calling out to Him .

And Allaah alone grants success.

Reply

Intisar
07-16-2009, 02:00 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Abdul Fattah
Selam aleykum
To all those who post advice anonymous,
Why do you feel the need to post anonymous, is it perhaps because you fear that people will dislike you based on what you said? Perhaps you should consider this urge to post advice anonymously as a sign that your advice isn't really that good, since you don't want the post to be associated with your name?

The sister came here for advice with a difficult and complex situation, not to hear the anonymous judgement of some people who don't appear to grasp the difficulty of the situation.
:w: I agree, I also feel like they're abusing the anonymous account function. It's annoying.

Just give them Islamic advice, and if you can't, then simple..don't post in this thread. Sheesh.

May Allaah bring y'all closer together insha'Allaah. Ameen. :wub:
Reply

Muhaba
07-16-2009, 02:09 AM
there may be several reasons for your problem:
one thing you should acertain is whether your husband is impotent. If he is, then there are medications for that and he should talk to a doctor about it. If not, then it may be that he has a western upbringing and may not believe it is right to make love to an unwilling partner. Since he has repeatedly tried being close to you, it may be that your behavior is causing him to stay away.

so you need to analyze your behavior. are you responsive or do you freeze up and not do anything? while eastern men might not mind women who just lie there doing nothing, western men are not used to it and want a responsive partner. Therefore, if youre not kissing back, stroking him, telling him you love him and want him, then you are giving him the feeling that you aren't ready which keeps him from proceeding.

So before you blame his past, you need to seriously analyze your behavior. You can also read some western romance novels to see how women act in bed. One website is http://www.eharlequin.com/articlelis...85A906693025A2 with romance stories written by real published authors. you can read http://www.eharlequin.com/articlepag...1423&chapter=5 to see what how one virgin acts and i'm only suggesting this to put light on your problem. I am in no way encouraging ppl to read romance .

another thing that may be affecting your marital life is sihr, since you already said that people wanted you to marry their relatives, so they may have done sihr so the marriage would be unsuccessful and you would end up getting divorced.

it seems like sihr is the likely reason, as your family don't seem to suggest treatment for the infertility. did theyask whether youwent to a doctor or not? why are they putting the blame on your husband, the woman can also be infertile, not just the husband. So why are they looking for ahusband for you?

The solution to this is reading the various surahs and verses to protect you and your husband as well as all your belongings from the effects of sihr and evil eye.
Another thing you can do is to go to another city for a few days and stay in a hotel to see whether your behavior changes there. Try to take only newly bought items (clothes, bags, shoes, etc) with you as the ones in your house may have had sihr done on them.

If these don't work and the problem really lies with your husband, then you need to seriously tell him that you want to consummate the marriage right now and he should make love to you even if you seem afraid. (might be a good idea to do it in the dark so he can't see your face.) Tell him that if he doesn't then you will have to go to a marriage counselor (who have helped by digging up the past and bringing fears to the surface and helping couples over come them. ) If marriage counseling doesn't work, then you need to ask whether you are willing to live your life in such a marriage. do istikhaara and if you aren't happy in this marriage,better to end it while you're still young and can get other husband easily. If you wait many years, then you might not be able to remarry, so you need to take all that into consideration.

May Allah help solve your problems and make your marriage a happy one!
Reply

Ali_008
07-16-2009, 02:14 AM
:sl:
Its an unbelievable scenario. Many people long for a companion for all sorts of reasons and the sister's case sounds tragic to me. As always, I'd say communication is the key. I think, they should just talk it through and stop hurting each other. Others have given quite meaningful advice, I have nothing to add to it. Make loads and loads and loads of Dua. Inshallah, I'll make Dua too for you
:w:
Reply

anonymous
07-16-2009, 05:56 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Alpha Dude
Wa alaykum salam,

My reply was toward mathematician, Steve.

Well, bro. You quoted this:
if you know your husband and know that he isn't going to harm you in any way, then just go with the flow.
And said it was bad advice. How is it bad? It's basically saying she shouldn't be afraid of her husband and let him have sex with her. So your reply:
I think that if the prophet peace be upon him heard of such a situation he would tell the man to divorce the woman if he cannot fulfill the most important part of marriage.
This is no joke. So to say "just go with the flow" needs much more thinking.
To me doesn't make sense.
Barakallahu feek and spot on!

format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
if you know your husband and know that he isn't going to harm you in any way, then just go with the flow.
But im going to add on to my previous advice and say the problem is coming from both you and your husband.

If you need to get over your shyness, then (and with all due respect here) i also think that his problems need to be addressed also becuase in all honesty i am seeing 2 sides to the problem; From both of you. There seems to be something stopping both of you and you really need to get to the bottom of it. Talk to one another and just be really open and honest because well isn't any way around it.

And to those who think that love conquers all, im sorry, but love doesn't always cut it :) People desire kids and if they cant get kids, then whats the next best option?
Reply

mathematician
07-16-2009, 03:35 PM
Ok I will post this here. You guys are scaring me out.
sihr? Do you think sihr is the reason for this sister's situation?
Is it that powerful? I am not saying that in disdain or scorn upon that idea.
But if it is true, then that's scary to me.
What I also wonder is why is it that when someone has some problems here in the West they will look for past experiences like childhood experiences to find the reasons for the current behaviour.
With us muslims we seem to attribute a lot to sihr. I am not smart in that field. I am a mathematician :)
Reply

ayesha309
07-16-2009, 05:18 PM
One of the first uses of sihr was to cause harm to the relationship of husband and wife, to break the bond the husband and wife have. Sihr could defeintly be a causal factor in this sister's problem. Sister I would sincerely advise you, like other said, to read ayat ul kursi, and the four quls after fajr, after maghrib and before you go to bed. The last 2 quls are called the mudhatain (i dunno how to spell it) and Insha'Allah it will save you from further magic, and remove any magic from you, (if there is some) as these are the words of Allah. So sis, just recite that, and do lots of dua. Also, like others suggested, go somewhere, even if its just for a weekend, but just go for a vacation Insha'Allah. May Allah ease your burdens, resolve your problems and bless you with beautiful righteous offsprings. Ameen.
Reply

sweetgujjigal
08-05-2009, 11:21 AM
salaams sis

i just come on after long tym on here and your post brought tears to my eyes, mashallah you have a really decent loving, caring, husband n the qualities that alot of women look for in a man, you shouldn't blame yourself fro anything and don't be scared of your parents asking you and making any decisions for you, you can talk with your mum or dad even ur elder sisters or cousins they may all be able to help you in a way, whoever you feel more comfortable with, and most importantly tawk with your husband even though he is still a virgin he may be more shy than you, you need to both open up your feelings, if he doesnt then start telling him your feelings and tell him to open up to you, this will make it really easy for you both,even if you have a laugh and joke this will help you get close, children are a blessing from ALLAH, but if you don't feel comfortable yet try to, and don't let any1 pressure you into doing this, take the steps together with your partner, just be open with your partner inshallah keep praying and evrything is in ALLAH (S.W.T) hands

be happy keep smiling, only you and your partner knows what is goin on between you both, don't let anyone ever bring you or your marriage down.
tcre always and may ALLAH help you through your beautiful life inshallahtaala AMEEN :statisfie xxxx
Reply

Alphadude
08-06-2009, 02:29 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by muhaba
there may be several reasons for your problem:
one thing you should acertain is whether your husband is impotent. If he is, then there are medications for that and he should talk to a doctor about it. If not, then it may be that he has a western upbringing and may not believe it is right to make love to an unwilling partner. Since he has repeatedly tried being close to you, it may be that your behavior is causing him to stay away.

so you need to analyze your behavior. are you responsive or do you freeze up and not do anything? while eastern men might not mind women who just lie there doing nothing, western men are not used to it and want a responsive partner. Therefore, if youre not kissing back, stroking him, telling him you love him and want him, then you are giving him the feeling that you aren't ready which keeps him from proceeding.

So before you blame his past, you need to seriously analyze your behavior. You can also read some western romance novels to see how women act in bed. One website is http://www.eharlequin.com/articlelis...85A906693025A2 with romance stories written by real published authors. you can read http://www.eharlequin.com/articlepag...1423&chapter=5 to see what how one virgin acts and i'm only suggesting this to put light on your problem. I am in no way encouraging ppl to read romance .

another thing that may be affecting your marital life is sihr, since you already said that people wanted you to marry their relatives, so they may have done sihr so the marriage would be unsuccessful and you would end up getting divorced.

it seems like sihr is the likely reason, as your family don't seem to suggest treatment for the infertility. did theyask whether youwent to a doctor or not? why are they putting the blame on your husband, the woman can also be infertile, not just the husband. So why are they looking for ahusband for you?

The solution to this is reading the various surahs and verses to protect you and your husband as well as all your belongings from the effects of sihr and evil eye.
Another thing you can do is to go to another city for a few days and stay in a hotel to see whether your behavior changes there. Try to take only newly bought items (clothes, bags, shoes, etc) with you as the ones in your house may have had sihr done on them.

If these don't work and the problem really lies with your husband, then you need to seriously tell him that you want to consummate the marriage right now and he should make love to you even if you seem afraid. (might be a good idea to do it in the dark so he can't see your face.) Tell him that if he doesn't then you will have to go to a marriage counselor (who have helped by digging up the past and bringing fears to the surface and helping couples over come them. ) If marriage counseling doesn't work, then you need to ask whether you are willing to live your life in such a marriage. do istikhaara and if you aren't happy in this marriage,better to end it while you're still young and can get other husband easily. If you wait many years, then you might not be able to remarry, so you need to take all that into consideration.

May Allah help solve your problems and make your marriage a happy one!
i agree with muhaba, i have heard things like relatives or some 1 close to you use black magic etc to make the relationship not work or similler, go on a holiday just the 2 of you and you must make the first move.
Reply

جوري
08-06-2009, 02:38 AM
:sl:

Does the sister know if her husband has an anatomical problem or genetic problem? perhaps there is a very good reason things are the way they are.. I think the thread is evolving in a strange fashion and I am not sure I like all this talk about black magic.. I think there is a very logical explanation for all of this, but there are intimate details that we don't know and we really shouldn't know..

only the sis can answer this to herself. Has she ever seen her husband fully and vice versa? if not then I think there are a few viable and logical medical explanations for this, and many of them can be remedied in fact.. even genetic factors like Kleinfelter's or (PMD) syndrome.. if the problem is neither genetic nor anatomical but psychological, then that too can be remedied.. Marriage is for better or for worst, and if she loves this man, then there is no reason she should be honest with him and ask him his reasons armed with the three choices above( anatomical/ genetic/ psychological), and then they can take it from there...

insha'Allah khyer and Allah swt knows best


:w:
Reply

Alphadude
08-07-2009, 01:22 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Gossamer skye
:sl:

Does the sister know if her husband has an anatomical problem or genetic problem? perhaps there is a very good reason things are the way they are.. I think the thread is evolving in a strange fashion and I am not sure I like all this talk about black magic.. I think there is a very logical explanation for all of this, but there are intimate details that we don't know and we really shouldn't know..

only the sis can answer this to herself. Has she ever seen her husband fully and vice versa? if not then I think there are a few viable and logical medical explanations for this, and many of them can be remedied in fact.. even genetic factors like Kleinfelter's or (PMD) syndrome.. if the problem is neither genetic nor anatomical but psychological, then that too can be remedied.. Marriage is for better or for worst, and if she loves this man, then there is no reason she should be honest with him and ask him his reasons armed with the three choices above( anatomical/ genetic/ psychological), and then they can take it from there...

insha'Allah khyer and Allah swt knows best


:w:
i was going to say the same thing b4 but i tought the sister wont like it or not a good thing to say its possible he may have anatomical problem or genetic problem but what is the main thing that they have been together for very long time if there was something like that the sister would have known and if not then she should ask him,dont wait sister its already been so long im shy person iswell but if i spend some time with some 1 then im open about everything, please let us know.
Reply

alcurad
08-13-2009, 04:18 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Gossamer skye
only the sis can answer this to herself. Has she ever seen her husband fully and vice versa? if not then I think there are a few viable and logical medical explanations for this, and many of them can be remedied in fact.. even genetic factors like Kleinfelter's or (PMD) syndrome.. if the problem is neither genetic nor anatomical but psychological, then that too can be remedied.. Marriage is for better or for worst, and if she loves this man, then there is no reason she should be honest with him and ask him his reasons armed with the three choices above( anatomical/ genetic/ psychological), and then they can take it from there...

insha'Allah khyer and Allah swt knows best


:w:
very true
Reply

cat eyes
08-13-2009, 08:06 PM
salaam sister

you sound like a very pious sister mashallaah...

but can i ask you did he actually tell you something of this serious nature happened to him as a child? or is he just making you think things.. please forgive me but people are not always as they seem and i don't like thinking the worst of people

but this is just to odd like its just kind of surprizes me that how you can be shy infront of his own wife after all this time..... and how he can't open up unless hes hiding a more serious thing that would actually hurt you... its just your description of your husband seems almost to good to be true. i can see that you got married very young and you still are very young but because of your age, people can take advantage of you, its easy for that person to pull the wool over your eyes and lie to you and you will believe because you are just young........


and have you not tried to touch him and make him hot? hahaah i got sexually activ at 17 and when i got married, lets just say there was alot of action ;D
Reply

markislam
08-13-2009, 09:33 PM
hope it all works out for you guys
Reply

markislam
08-14-2009, 12:21 AM
sister i honestly feel this post should have been placed in the sisters section
Reply

جوري
08-14-2009, 12:48 AM
While I agree with you, not all sisters have access to the sisters section, and hence anonymous accounts were created (I believe) for that purpose though I maybe mistaken...

:w:
Reply

Salahudeen
08-14-2009, 02:18 AM
Definitely could be a medical issue, firstly talk to your husband about it, the first step in solving the problem is to admit there's a problem. How can you solve a problem that doesn't exist. So talk to him about it openly and tell him what the problem is and then from there you can go to the solutions.

first solution for me would be the doctor to see if there's some kind of medial reason that could be fixed with drugs. For example low testosterone and libido levels are both causes for men not wanting to engage in intamacy with the opposite gender.

both can be fixed with medication, so just go get him checked out by the doctor :) your not the only couple to have this problem many people have this problem of a non sexual marriage, so there's many medications out on the market to deal with it. Just get him to your doctor and tell him the situation, then he can check your husband to see if he's low on anything.

if he is, the doc can top him up :) low/no sex drive, is common with many people so the doctor will know what to do.
Reply

anonymous
09-01-2009, 01:41 PM
:sl:

you all adviced me when i needed it i think its only fair I tell you of any updates. I am now divorced.... my husband surprised me in morroco to tell me that he wants to set me free because he loves me too much.

I am out for words my worlds completely shattered. He wants me to have a normal life and told me its time i started living my life. He said that he inflicted me with enough hardship. That he no longer wnats to see me living in this missery. That in the longrun this is for the best, that he fears Allah in regards how he treats me. I dont know what thats suppose to mean, he is my life. He keeps saying that this is for my happiness and its his first priority. I feel so broken, I didn't care if he ever made love to me why did it have to end this way.

He also promised me that he will never remarry..... Hearing him divorce me was a nightmare, if i ever beared any hardship anything at all none of it compared to hearing him divorce me as he was crying. That is the ultimate hardship, what made him ever believe that i was in hardship. As i watch my world crumbling down, i dont think i will ever be happy again but im sure Allah has plans for me that i dont know.

no food tastes, i can't sleep. who will meet him by the door with a smile everyday as he returns from work? who will wish him farewell as he leaves? who will look after him when he's sick?:cry:

who will ever love me as much as he did, who will lead me in my prayers as my husband? who will put food in my mouth so lovingly?:cry:

Who will lose sleep over my sickness at night, tending to my needs, pls make duas for me, my tears do not stop. How am I suppose to let him go?
Allahu musta'an.
Reply

alcurad
09-01-2009, 01:45 PM
don't let him go then?
Reply

ژاله
09-01-2009, 01:50 PM
you shouldnt have chosen divorce. is it complete, i mean all three?
Reply

Muslim Woman
09-01-2009, 01:53 PM
:wa:

format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Bismilahi

:sl:I don't want to break a heart so beautiful, a heart that would die for me.

:w:
Did u talk to any doctor about his problem ?

Oh no ; I just read that you are divorced already. Have u finished ur Iddat time ? If not and if u really want to stay with him ; then tell him to withdraw divorce and consult with a doctor about his physical / mental problems.
Reply

cat eyes
09-01-2009, 09:40 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
:sl:

you all adviced me when i needed it i think its only fair I tell you of any updates. I am now divorced.... my husband surprised me in morroco to tell me that he wants to set me free because he loves me too much.

I am out for words my worlds completely shattered. He wants me to have a normal life and told me its time i started living my life. He said that he inflicted me with enough hardship. That he no longer wnats to see me living in this missery. That in the longrun this is for the best, that he fears Allah in regards how he treats me. I dont know what thats suppose to mean, he is my life. He keeps saying that this is for my happiness and its his first priority. I feel so broken, I didn't care if he ever made love to me why did it have to end this way.

He also promised me that he will never remarry..... Hearing him divorce me was a nightmare, if i ever beared any hardship anything at all none of it compared to hearing him divorce me as he was crying. That is the ultimate hardship, what made him ever believe that i was in hardship. As i watch my world crumbling down, i dont think i will ever be happy again but im sure Allah has plans for me that i dont know.

no food tastes, i can't sleep. who will meet him by the door with a smile everyday as he returns from work? who will wish him farewell as he leaves? who will look after him when he's sick?:cry:

who will ever love me as much as he did, who will lead me in my prayers as my husband? who will put food in my mouth so lovingly?:cry:

Who will lose sleep over my sickness at night, tending to my needs, pls make duas for me, my tears do not stop. How am I suppose to let him go?
Allahu musta'an.
what foney crap is this he gave you?? i am sorry sister but he surely did not do justice with you at all!!! he did not make love to you in the 4years you were married and then he divorce's you just like that! this is to much now for any woman.. this is disgraceful! my blood is boiling. dose he actually realise the punishments in he grave for not doing justice with his wife?? dose he even know?? haha how religious is this guy. HE HAS NO TAQWA!!

and then he tells you he won't marry again. our beloved prophet mohammad pbuh said the one who dose not marry is not one of our ummah..

divorcing a good wife like you then. it says a lot.
Reply

Najm
09-02-2009, 12:05 AM
AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

SubhaanAllah! I never though this would be the outcome imsad

This is true love! I would have never divorced as long as the "issue"was clear.

If he loves you so much, he should have left the choice to you if you wanted to be with him.

May Allah protect you, and keep you steadfast. Ameen

FiAmaaniAllah
Reply

Salahudeen
09-02-2009, 12:10 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
:sl:

you all adviced me when i needed it i think its only fair I tell you of any updates. I am now divorced.... my husband surprised me in morroco to tell me that he wants to set me free because he loves me too much.

I am out for words my worlds completely shattered. He wants me to have a normal life and told me its time i started living my life. He said that he inflicted me with enough hardship. That he no longer wnats to see me living in this missery. That in the longrun this is for the best, that he fears Allah in regards how he treats me. I dont know what thats suppose to mean, he is my life. He keeps saying that this is for my happiness and its his first priority. I feel so broken, I didn't care if he ever made love to me why did it have to end this way.

He also promised me that he will never remarry..... Hearing him divorce me was a nightmare, if i ever beared any hardship anything at all none of it compared to hearing him divorce me as he was crying. That is the ultimate hardship, what made him ever believe that i was in hardship. As i watch my world crumbling down, i dont think i will ever be happy again but im sure Allah has plans for me that i dont know.

no food tastes, i can't sleep. who will meet him by the door with a smile everyday as he returns from work? who will wish him farewell as he leaves? who will look after him when he's sick?:cry:

who will ever love me as much as he did, who will lead me in my prayers as my husband? who will put food in my mouth so lovingly?:cry:

Who will lose sleep over my sickness at night, tending to my needs, pls make duas for me, my tears do not stop. How am I suppose to let him go?
Allahu musta'an.
:cry: I didn't see that coming he made the wrong choice

So what was his official reason for divorcing you??
Reply

جوري
09-02-2009, 12:53 AM
I think you should have an imam or someone contact him on your behalf, and let him know how you feel.. let him know that caring for you, also means your emotional well being not just physical well being.. I think you should get back together insha'Allah.. you are allowed to remarry..

pls let us know if you get re-married again, I was rather upset by your news today..do you think your family or someone coerced him into divorcing you?

la 7wala wla qiwta illa billah..
Reply

Danah
09-02-2009, 01:21 AM
la 7wala wla qiwta illa billah
this is very sad indeed sis, May Allah help you to overcome that :cry:

He loved you soo much that he pushed himself strongly even when he himself couldn't bear living without you. You said that he divorced you while he was crying, that prove that he didn't want it to end that way. I think that is the true love! subhanAllah

format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
what made him ever believe that i was in hardship.
He knows that any woman wants to live like any "married" woman and have children, even if you didn't speak, he thought that you are suffering in silence to not hurt him

I think that the best thing to do is to let someone reliable talk to him and tell him how you are suffering now and how you are really feeling about the divorce.


format_quote Originally Posted by Gossamer skye
do you think your family or someone coerced him into divorcing you?
I think you have to consider that on your mind sis, I remember you said in your first post that your family was always asking you about why you didn't have any children yet, maybe they knew something about your situation with your husband recently!! May be he didn't want to make a problem between you your family and didn't mention that reason to you so he choose to let it go as he did!!!


May Allah reunite you two again sis, you will be in my duaa inshaAllah
Reply

syilla
09-02-2009, 01:32 AM
Ya Allah ukhtee... i just read this. It makes me cry. :cry:

Don't worry ukhtee... Maybe theres a hikmaah in this... If theres still 'jodoh' between both of you...InshaAllah Allah swt will rejoin both of you.

Have sabr ukhtee... probably the distance will help both of you to rethink.

May Allah protect you and your ex-husband and grant you and your ex-husband happiness in this world and the hereafter.
Reply

Snowflake
09-02-2009, 01:36 AM
:cry: I feel deeply for you sis. I know it won't make much difference, but I wish I could hug you right now. :(

But I believe this is the best for you sis. The pain is something you can't avoid going through. But you will get through it sweetheart. Sis, it is virtually impossible for a normal man not to have attempted to establish intimate relations with his wife. I don't want to say more at this point as I think you have enough to deal with already. Please be patient my dear sis. The Prophet (saw) said, Patience is at the first news of tragedy. And a wise man once said, "The wise behave at the first sign of tragedy as fools behaves later." Allah himself tell us He loves the sabiroon. Therefore my dear sis, bear your loss with patience and Allah will replace it with something better. Don't lose hope and think you can't be happy again. Or that you can't love again. Allah knows better, so leave those decisions up to Him. Grief is a process we all have to go through when loss occurs. But no one grieves for their loss forever my dear ukhti. It will get easier, InshaAllah. May Allah grant you peace and sabr. Ameen. (((((hugs)))))))):)
Reply

anonymous
09-02-2009, 01:41 AM
im sorry 2 b blunt, but it seems like he is hiding something. did you ask him why he isn't getting married again? did you ask 4 a *proper* explanation. you seem innocent cos 4 years for married man is unrealistic.

may allah grant you patience and give your heart tranquility. :)
Reply

convert
09-02-2009, 02:29 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
im sorry 2 b blunt, but it seems like he is hiding something. did you ask him why he isn't getting married again? did you ask 4 a *proper* explanation. you seem innocent cos 4 years for married man is unrealistic.

may allah grant you patience and give your heart tranquility. :)
i agree with this poster. i have my suspicions what the issue might be but i will not speculate to avoid backbiting.
Reply

جوري
09-02-2009, 02:31 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes
what foney crap is this he gave you?? i am sorry sister but he surely did not do justice with you at all!!! he did not make love to you in the 4years you were married and then he divorce's you just like that! this is to much now for any woman.. this is disgraceful! my blood is boiling. dose he actually realise the punishments in he grave for not doing justice with his wife?? dose he even know?? haha how religious is this guy. HE HAS NO TAQWA!!

and then he tells you he won't marry again. our beloved prophet mohammad pbuh said the one who dose not marry is not one of our ummah..

divorcing a good wife like you then. it says a lot.
I found this post insensitive sister! :hmm:

:w:
Reply

cat eyes
09-02-2009, 02:31 AM
it is not a medical problem we can clearly see that, in the 4year's they were with eachother, was it so hard for him 2go 2 doctor get those tabletz perscribed for him. Not a big thing. There is not a tablet on this earth that can't treat things like this. I mean you see it all the time couple's at da doctor's an pharmacies wanting help for there problems with proper medication...Nah there is more to it. Has 2 be. I wont say anymore as i know your probably suffering a lot sis. Come on this forum more often get your mind off things! I would not ask that he should take you back. You have dignity and you should keep. You got nothng in the four years from him only crap treatment. Inshallaah you will find a real man. A man is not a man if he can't fufil his wives needs and give her children. I am purely disgusted. I really believed your family should have steped in when you were having these problems in the first place and its kinda sly that he didn't want this or mentiön to you but anyway you were young and you still are young. Just remember sister if a believer has any type of problem or issue with himself! There isen't any problem Allah almighty cant solve 4 him... There is many people sister with mental problemz an dramatic pasts but they ARE LIVING THERE LIFES. getting married, having kids, enjoying ramadan, they are living for otherz and not for themselves and that is a muslim. Crying only showed the cowardness and selfishness in him!!. Did should make it easier for you to move on an be wise. Loads of cuddles from me. XXMaryamXX.
Reply

جوري
09-02-2009, 02:33 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes
it is not a medical problem we can clearly see that, in the 4year's they were with eachother, was it so hard for him 2go 2 doctor get those tabletz perscribed for him. Not a big thing. There is not a tablet on this earth that can't treat things like this.
There are many organic and psychological causes of impotence that can't be treated with tablets!

:w:
Reply

cat eyes
09-02-2009, 02:48 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Gossamer skye
There are many organic and psychological causes of impotence that can't be treated with tablets!

:w:
There is loads of treatments but anyway you are no doctor 2 say a certain thing cannot be cured. And i dont believe its impotence anyway!!
Reply

Adem Al-Albani
09-02-2009, 02:53 AM
Allah Knows Best.

I don't want to backbite.
Reply

جوري
09-02-2009, 02:54 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes
There is loads of treatments but anyway you are no doctor 2 say a certain thing cannot be cured. And i dont believe its impotence anyway!!
but I am a doctor wal7mdllilah!

you have heard of hereditary hemochromatosis? or Klinefelter's syndrome, Prader-Willi syndrome, Huntington disease, cystic fibrosis, multiple endocrine neoplasia type 2, Gaucher disease, dialted cardiomyopathy, sick sinus syndrome? just to name a few? any number of things can cause impotence, whether psychological, genetic or medical-- it isn't for us to say.. just like you fancy that I am not a doctor, neither are you to speak with certainty on whether or not what he suffers has or doesn't have treatment!
I'd refrain from constantly passing out very bad advise to people!

Jazaki Allah khyran

:w:
Reply

Adem Al-Albani
09-02-2009, 02:56 AM
A man didn't have sex for 4 years? Something is VERY wrong there.

And Allah Knows Best.
Reply

Rabi Mansur
09-02-2009, 02:58 AM
I just read through these posts. I really cannot relate to this attitude toward sex. I'm astounded. Any heterosexual man should be jumping on his wife at the first chance. The problem seems too obvious. It sounds to me as though he is gay. And the two of you were raised in an overly-protective environment with very little open communication about sex. Hopefully I am wrong. You two need some professional help.
Reply

Rabi Mansur
09-02-2009, 03:02 AM
Oops I just read that he asked for divorce. That confirms it for me. He is gay.
Reply

Humbler_359
09-02-2009, 03:07 AM
:sl:,

It is impossible in four years without romantic in between couples, I am amazed. :exhausted

I dunno why, I wish to see him in person in order to investigate him instead assumption. :raging:
Reply

Adem Al-Albani
09-02-2009, 03:07 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by rabimansur
Oops I just read that he asked for divorce. That confirms it for me. He is gay.
If the shoe fits. lol
Reply

convert
09-02-2009, 03:11 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by rabimansur
Oops I just read that he asked for divorce. That confirms it for me. He is gay.
I must admit that this is what I am led to believe as well but we should not cast aspersions on the brother, especially during Ramadaan.
Reply

جوري
09-02-2009, 03:19 AM
Gay people are able to have sex btw ..
Since we don't know him personally, I don't see how anyone can differentiate by proxy a homosexual from a man who might suffer Priapism and impotence from homozygous sickle cell disease or any number of afore mentioned or non mentioned causes of impotence!.. I thought the problem is about getting them back together and getting them the help they need instead of passing advise on how he'll be punished in the grave and how isn't a part of the ummah, or how he is gay, or how his condition can be treated with a pill.. do we know for sure what he has? can anyone here say beyond a shadow of a doubt or are we in it simply to cast doubt?

:w:

I have posted this article here before:

When You Find Out You Are a Gay


Satellite?blobcolurldata&ampblobheaderimage2Fjpeg&ampblobkeyid&ampblobtableMungoBlobs&ampblobwhere1221557636462&ampssbinarytrue - My world was so confused as I kept asking myself why men marry women when in fact, they love men?
Editor's note: This is the true story of an ex-homosexual man. It is published here with the author's kind permission.

I was born in a devout Muslim family. All my family members keep the five daily prayers, fast in the month of Ramadan, and observe all the Islamic teachings and rituals. My parents performed Hajj in the 1970s. There are 14 of us in the family. I am the 11th and the last son of a 5-brother and 9-sister family. I am close to my sisters and my mother compared to my brothers. My father passed away when I was 10.

I felt attracted to guys when I was young. Maybe the feeling developed when I was 10 years old. At 14, I knew that I would not want to get married as I was not attracted to women. I thought of how I would face my brothers and sisters when they all would get married and I would stay single.
My world was so confused as I asked myself why men marry women when in fact they love men. Then I realized that it was only me who felt that way. I was never abused by anyone. I still have no clue why it affected me.

Same Sex Experience


Last March, while reading Qur'an after Fajr Prayer, I prayed in my heart that Allah gives me a female companion. I wanted to stop all thisSomehow, time passed by so fast and I had to face the reality that I will stay single forever. Luckily, some of my brothers and sisters got married when I was studying in the US. When I finished my degree, I stayed in Kuala Lumpur away from my family. Therefore, I could escape from the marriage questions.

My first SSE (Same-Sex Experience) started during college days. It continued after completing my studies when I settled back in Kuala Lumpur. It went further as my work took me to the Middle East. During these times, I still continued with my prayers. Sometimes, I felt so shy to face Allah during prayer as I just had sex earlier. Sometimes, I waited till the next day.

Although my career grew, I felt turbulence in life. My career did not go as smoothly as I wanted it to. My life was empty and my emotions were unstable as I kept changing partners. Then, I read a hadith about those committing sodomy.

Two years ago, I was out of work. I thought that was the worst time of my life when in fact it was the best time ever. I started reading the translation of the Qur'an. The imam in a mini mosque read hadiths (from the collection of Imam An-Nawawi) every morning after Fajr Prayer (Arabic for: Dawn Prayer). I now realize how these hadiths have shaped my life and my thinking.
I also read Prophet Muhammad's (peace and blessings be upon him) biography and the biographies of the 10 Companions who were promised Paradise. These stories moved me.
Even with all this, I still continued with my SSE, as bad habits die hard.

During my 6-month out-of-work period, Allah taught me how to surrender to Him. When I was hungry with no food to eat, Allah sent people offering me to eat with them. I did not have to ask Allah for this. He read me well. I was glad.
Surrendering to Allah is the turning point of my life. Reading the translation of the Qur'an has changed my perception of thinking and looking at this world. I read the book Road to Mecca by Muhammed Assad. I felt like a totally new Muslim.

Even with all this, I was still having SSE.

Words from Prophet Lut to his people kept me thinking. "Take my daughters for your wife. May you will find peace." I smiled sarcastically as I know these people were not interested in women, how could he offer his daughters? But then again, these are a prophet's words. There must be some truth in them.

Last March, while reading Qur'an after Fajr Prayer, I prayed in my heart that Allah gives me a female companion. I wanted to stop all this. I felt tired of my life, felt like every time I was climbing ladders to reach to the highest level of faith, I fell down when I had a SSE.

Getting Married
Satellite?blobcolurldata&ampblobheaderimage2Fjpeg&ampblobkeyid&ampblobtableMungoBlobs&ampblobwhere1221557552076&ampssbinarytrue - Allah gave me a wife who fulfilled 9 out of 10 on my checklistWith my companion, I could channel my sexual desire according to Islam. Within a week, Allah sent someone who wanted to introduce me to her auntie. (I said in my heart: An auntie?) I said, "OK if I have the time." Then the lady was brought to me in the same evening. There was not much conversation except that she said that her favorite journey is from her house to the masjid. That was the last word we spoke before I adjourned to surau for my `Asr Prayer (Arabic for: Afternoon Prayer).

After the first meeting, we contacted each other via text messages. She asked me "Why didn't I get married?" I was a bit stunned and replied with all sorts of excuses. Then I resent to inform that in fact I did not get married because I was born homosexual. After a week of text messaging, I asked her if that it was OK to let my mom know about us and I found the right person. She said "OK." Within three months, we were married in a small ceremony.

Allah gave me a wife. She fulfilled 9 out of 10 on my checklist. I told her the one she did not fulfill is that she is a woman, not a man. She smiled. Allah offered me the qualities in her as if I spelled out my checklist. Allah knows me too well and knows what makes me happy.

During the three months that I knew her (before marriage), I did not feel attracted to her, I did not feel the arousal when I was with her. Nor does she toward me. I surrendered to Allah alone as I read in the Qur'an that He is the One Who showers the love feeling.
I prayed to Allah to shower us with love and make me feel aroused with her. True enough, Allah accepted my plea.

During the process of knowing my wife, I stumbled upon straight struggle Yahoo! groups based in the UK that cater for Muslims who face Same Sex Attraction (SSA) all over the world. I shared my life experience and my successful story with the groups. I am glad that I paved the way and encouraged some to take the first step to get married and counter the fear of first-night marriage.
In sha' Allah, my small contribution will lead to many successful heterosexual marriages in the future. Amen.

http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/S...ture/ACELayout
Reply

convert
09-02-2009, 03:25 AM
Ok that ^ really frustrates me. I can't get married and sodomites do. La hawla wa la quwata ila billah. imsad
Reply

جوري
09-02-2009, 03:34 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by convert
Ok that ^ really frustrates me. I can't get married and sodomites do. La hawla wa la quwata ila billah. imsad
:sl: akhi
he is your brother in Islam.. he repented and gave up that life style with the aid of Allah swt and the Muslim community and is wal7mdllilah married to a pious woman who accepted everything about him.. you are not alone in your struggles..each of us faces a different kind of struggle.. you'd probably not be surprised to know that there are more singles than married couples in the U.S.. I just saw a news program about that..
I suppose that is why they go on to have sites like eharmony. com or chemistry.com amongst many others.. it is a universal problem to find the right partner and not simply to do with the fact that you are Muslim.. I too am not married and find the choices offered me by my community or parents unacceptable.. you have to surrender your will to Allah swt and accept as well believe that when the time is right he'll lead you to the one meant for you..

here we have a case of someone who has found the one and really isn't getting the help or they are not getting the help they need, instead a barrage of tasteless insults and doubts directed toward her and her ex. when we in fact know nothing about them.. sob7an Allah didn't brother Alpha post a topic about this very issue?

waslaam 3lykoum wr wb
Reply

syilla
09-02-2009, 03:39 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by convert
Ok that ^ really frustrates me. I can't get married and sodomites do. La hawla wa la quwata ila billah. imsad
lol...

The reason of not getting married is obviously not the same... so put your chin up and have hopes akhee.

And don't be too choosy :p
Reply

mathematician
09-02-2009, 03:41 AM
I hope this story serves as an eye opener to any sister in the same situation.
It is NOT ok if the guy does not want to be intimate with his wife. Don't simply look
at how he treats you because from that you might think it's true love. The man
had things he didn't resolve before getting married. Bad choice on his part.

To the sister who started this topic, I know you are hurt right now. But you must look at the bright side. A day will come when you will look at this divorce as a blessing, insha'Allah. Who knows what's in store for you?
I know some people started saying some harsh words about your ex husband, but I think he did the right thing. He was a bit late but he realized whatever problem he had would not get fixed.
Reply

cat eyes
09-02-2009, 03:49 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by Gossamer skye
but I am a doctor wal7mdllilah!

you have heard of hereditary hemochromatosis? or Klinefelter's syndrome, Prader-Willi syndrome, Huntington disease, cystic fibrosis, multiple endocrine neoplasia type 2, Gaucher disease, dialted cardiomyopathy, sick sinus syndrome? just to name a few? any number of things can cause impotence, whether psychological, genetic or medical-- it isn't for us to say.. just like you fancy that I am not a doctor, neither are you to speak with certainty on whether or not what he suffers has or doesn't have treatment!
I'd refrain from constantly passing out very bad advise to people!

Jazaki Allah khyran

:w:
Oh so you are saying i am giving bad advice. You know you are proving 2 me and everybody else that you are nothing only a back biter.. Sister must you keep on quoting my posts and responding to me. Let the sister decide who started the thread that my post is insensitive or not!!! Dont respond to me again if you know better.
Reply

جوري
09-02-2009, 03:57 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes
Oh so you are saying i am giving bad advice. You know you are proving 2 me and everybody else that you are nothing only a back biter.. Sister must you keep on quoting my posts and responding to me. Let the sister decide who started the thread that my post is insensitive or not!!! Dont respond to me again if you know better.

:sl:

I do indeed find words such as:

Originally Posted by cat eyes


what foney crap is this he gave you??

.. this is disgraceful! my blood is boiling. dose he actually realise the punishments in he grave for not doing justice with his wife?? dose he even know?? haha how religious is this guy. HE HAS NO TAQWA!!

and then he tells you he won't marry again. our beloved prophet mohammad pbuh said the one who dose not marry is not one of our ummah..
to be insensitive, I am surprised that such a post remained here during the month of Ramadan.

As for backbiting, I believe the term denotes saying bad and mean even untruthful things behind someone's back.. which is in fact what you have done in your previous post. Cast doubt on another Muslim, already defined that he has no taqwa, implied he'll be punished in the grave, mocked his religiosity with a 'HAHA' and deemed that he isn't a part of our ummah..

whatever words I had to say, I have in fact said them to you directly not behind your back. and please allow me to clarify, whatever I write isn't for public approval, it is my own honest assessment of what you have written here, it doesn't aggrieve me if the majority of the forum hates me or even bans me for it.

I don't know what you mean by 'if I know better' I don't feel threatened if that is what you intend me by it, and this is a public forum, I have the same privileges in writing as any other member..

Jazaki Allah khyran

:w:
Reply

cat eyes
09-02-2009, 03:58 AM
weather he had an illness or not. Its no grounds for divorce! Allah hates divorce... Some people just don't have the knowledge i suppose
Reply

Muslim Woman
09-02-2009, 04:10 AM
:sl:

format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes
Allah hates divorce...

yes but still it's allowed when necessary.
Reply

S_87
09-02-2009, 01:49 PM
to the sister:

Im sorry about your divorce and im sure youre going through a lot of pain. Allah knows what was wrong with your husband but it seems he did have problems and wasnt able to face upto them. as mentioned 4 years is a VERY LONG time, even 4 weeks would be strange for a man to be newly married and not touch his wife or want to.
if he didnt give you a full divorce and you still really want to be with him and you feel that deep down he does want to be with you then ask him to atleast get some help for his problem, it could be a lot of things and he may feel ashamed to address as it may make him feel less 'manly'

otherwise may Allah make it easy for you and grant you patience sister, and bless you with better. Ameen.
and feel free to contact me if need anything :)
Reply

cat eyes
09-02-2009, 01:53 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Gossamer skye
:sl:

I do indeed find words such as:



to be insensitive, I am surprised that such a post remained here during the month of Ramadan.

As for backbiting, I believe the term denotes saying bad and mean even untruthful things behind someone's back.. which is in fact what you have done in your previous post. Cast doubt on another Muslim, already defined that he has no taqwa, implied he'll be punished in the grave, mocked his religiosity with a 'HAHA' and deemed that he isn't a part of our ummah..

whatever words I had to say, I have in fact said them to you directly not behind your back. and please allow me to clarify, whatever I write isn't for public approval, it is my own honest assessment of what you have written here, it doesn't aggrieve me if the majority of the forum hates me or even bans me for it.

I don't know what you mean by 'if I know better' I don't feel threatened if that is what you intend me by it, and this is a public forum, I have the same privileges in writing as any other member..

Jazaki Allah khyran

:w:
Ohh teacher i am sorry if i did not write a post 2 your approvel haha are you owner of this forum??your unbelievable! i also have the same privileges in writing as any other. And i only speak the truth! If thats so hard 2hear then mabe you should not be a member. i believe a man who dose not do justice with his wife will be punished in the grave and for a divorce there has 2 b of a more serious nature for example if he is not satisfied with his wife and she was never obedient 2him but there is alot of injustice in this case because of the fact he made no effort what so ever 2 solve the problem...she don't even know what is wrong wit him or what was wrong with him! Is it a bit sickening in the 4years he never opened up 2her or told her the truth what was going on with him???! And she will never know and that is injustice! When u love, two people don't back out so easily! None of it makes sense! As i said there is a cure for everything if Allah wills! So doctor give me an anwser for this if u want to fight a battle you cannot win.. Yes i believe the brother had no taqwa because a god fearing person would not desert his wife in such silly circumstances and tell her he will not marry again! There is obviously something major behind this comment he made... Sister back biting comes in all forms. You don't 2 be a scholar to see that! May Allah forgive you for it.
Reply

S_87
09-02-2009, 01:53 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes
weather he had an illness or not. Its no grounds for divorce! Allah hates divorce... Some people just don't have the knowledge i suppose
well sister did you know that generally speaking a woman can seek khula (as in, its a valid reason) if her husband is impotent, then what of divorce?

Divorce is not haram and was practised by the sahabahs and some reports have it that Muhammed Sallallahu alayhi wasallam divorced too.

and its not for you to say the brother doesnt have taqwa..you dont his problem :-\

and after reading your last post, how old are you?
Reply

cat eyes
09-02-2009, 02:59 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by Muslim Woman
:sl:




yes but still it's allowed when necessary.
Yes divorce is halal but the fact of the matter still remain's he did not do justice with his wife..(an inability 2 communicate with his spouse) an a whole list of alot of things you could write a book on infact i have a book here what Allah mean's by injustice from all the respected scholar's and the punishments for it. So these all sins still stand weather divorce is necasary or not. I think the sister mentioned in her first post..he was a reverted muslim. This says an awful lot also. It could be that she did not know who she was getting involved with. ''a man with a past'' thats all she know's. And don't know how long he was revert and he is wealthy but thats another story... Knowledge and fufilments of the spouse comes along with being a muslim. Allah has stated that it is halal for the man 2marry a non muslim but she must revert but not nowhere is it stated that a woman should marry any man and he must be a revert...why?. Well because a man might not have accepted islam in his heart therefore the woman is at a loss. Some men revert 2 islam only 2get the girl.. I dont know and i cannot say but it's clear 2see there was no blessing from the start. Allah know's best. Allah has giving obligations therefore we should obey them. She needs a husband who comes from a muslim family.. Some god fearing islamic family therefore she will never will be at a loss and they will step in on the husbands account if anything was to happen. this is what Allah teaches us in our scriptures. Do you people think divorce is a little thing..but this generation never fails 2 suprize me. And i want 2 say also 2 the sister, don't look for wealth and how hansum a person is when finding a potential husband. People will always tell you what you want 2hear. These people always have two face's, da face they show to you and the face they show to others. Your young. Allah know's best.
Reply

MSalman
09-02-2009, 03:54 PM
inna lilla hi wa inna ilayhi raajioun

subhaanAllah, please stop this bickering. This is a month of Ramadhan for Allah's Love and let us use this energy to make dua'a for sister and rest of the ummah.

sister, how did he divorce you? on the phone? did he divorce you thrice in one 'sitting'? Because if he divorced you thrice in one sitting then you can take the opinion of the scholars who say that divorce in such a manner only counts as one. Please have a look at the fatawas here

I would advice you to talk to knowledgeable person about your divorce issue

may Allah Ta'ala make things easier for you and set your affairs, ameen
Reply

vlamrko
09-02-2009, 04:06 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by rabimansur
I just read through these posts. I really cannot relate to this attitude toward sex. I'm astounded. Any heterosexual man should be jumping on his wife at the first chance. The problem seems too obvious. It sounds to me as though he is gay. And the two of you were raised in an overly-protective environment with very little open communication about sex. Hopefully I am wrong. You two need some professional help.
i think you are just generalizing here. just because you cannot relate to his attitude does not mean that "any heterosexual man" relates to yours. granted her situation is very bizarre and tragic for the both of them, it is not fair to say that any man who does not immediately jump ontop of his wife has to be gay. sex can be an incredibly daunting experience to even think about for someone who is easily made uncomfortable in situations which contest with personal space or even self control. a person who has achieved complete confidence in themselves By themselves, is naturally going to feel uneasy when that becomes compromised by the introduction of another person, whom youre therefore expected to trust as much as youve come to trust yourself. the reason intimacy is so easy for some people is because some people suffer certain insecurities in themselves which makes them better able and willing to trust others. privacy becomes a tremendously important virtue (physically and emotionally) for people who have forever been totally self sufficient and self motivated. my point is that if you trust yourself entirely, it is then an enormous task to trust someone else to do the same kinda right by you that you know yourself capable of doing for yourself. if that makes sense. heterosexual man here, speaking from personal experience.
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cat eyes
09-02-2009, 04:28 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by vlamrko
i think you are just generalizing here. just because you cannot relate to his attitude does not mean that "any heterosexual man" relates to yours. granted her situation is very bizarre and tragic for the both of them, it is not fair to say that any man who does not immediately jump ontop of his wife has to be gay. sex can be an incredibly daunting experience to even think about for someone who is easily made uncomfortable in situations which contest with personal space or even self control. a person who has achieved complete confidence in themselves By themselves, is naturally going to feel uneasy when that becomes compromised by the introduction of another person, whom youre therefore expected to trust as much as youve come to trust yourself. the reason intimacy is so easy for some people is because some people suffer certain insecurities in themselves which makes them better able and willing to trust others. privacy becomes a tremendously important virtue (physically and emotionally) for people who have forever been totally self sufficient and self motivated. my point is that if you trust yourself entirely, it is then an enormous task to trust someone else to do the same kinda right by you that you know yourself capable of doing for yourself. if that makes sense. heterosexual man here, speaking from personal experience.
Hummm no it dose not really make sense brother... You are talking 4years here. Its a long time not 2have sex and be nervous about it and we only know as muslims that Allah created man to have sex with a woman. If not then, it dose sound odd.
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ژاله
09-02-2009, 04:36 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes
....and we only know as muslims that Allah created man to have sex with a woman.
:hmm: subhanAllah, i always heard that Allah created mankind to worship Him.
its sometimes good to read what we write, lest we write complete nonsense.
Reply

youngsister
09-02-2009, 04:38 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes
Oh so you are saying i am giving bad advice. You know you are proving 2 me and everybody else that you are nothing only a back biter.. Sister must you keep on quoting my posts and responding to me. Let the sister decide who started the thread that my post is insensitive or not!!! Dont respond to me again if you know better.
:sl:
Sister Gossamer skye has given nothing but good advice both medically and islamically (she is qualified to give medical advice) the only harsh words i read in this topic is from you, read your post again.
Reply

ژاله
09-02-2009, 04:41 PM
^ youngsis, i agree with you cent per cent.
Reply

cat eyes
09-02-2009, 04:47 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by islamiclife
inna lilla hi wa inna ilayhi raajioun

subhaanAllah, please stop this bickering. This is a month of Ramadhan for Allah's Love and let us use this energy to make dua'a for sister and rest of the ummah.

sister, how did he divorce you? on the phone? did he divorce you thrice in one 'sitting'? Because if he divorced you thrice in one sitting then you can take the opinion of the scholars who say that divorce in such a manner only counts as one. Please have a look at the fatawas here

I would advice you to talk to knowledgeable person about your divorce issue

may Allah Ta'ala make things easier for you and set your affairs, ameen
If anyone targets me again. I will bite my tongue and wont respond inshallaah. I won't let shaytaan get the best of me. I will forgive them for what they believe there trying 2 achieve will happen! It won't :) 2 all of you who did not like what i said..may Allah make your imaan strong and be more open 2 peoples opinions and not judge them my intention was 2 be harsh so it might be easier for her to walk away from what would be a wasted life and get over him quick. It was not good advice 2lower her diginity and ask for him 2take her back when she did ALOT FOR HIM and was patient subhanallah. She went through enough. but i will hold my hands up if the thread starter didn't like them but i dön't need to explain my theories 2 any of you and dont know why i am doing.. Its pointless when its not even your thread. May Allah reward you anyway! Salaam.
Reply

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