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AnonymousPoster
11-19-2008, 07:58 PM
asalamualecum everyone, i am a 23 year old muslimah alhamdullah Allah swt has guided me and always been with me, blessed me a lot.
the thing is from the age of seventeen i knew that i did not want children, not everyone woman craves for children and people just look at me amazed when i tell them this and even told me to repent.
Am i commiting a sin? I would like to get married i just dont want kids, i suffered from depression when i was younger and i am happy the way my life is now. I am aware that children in islam are a blessing and i have nothing but upmost respect for mothers however i just dont want to be 1.
my mother gets upset when she hears this..i dont know what to do i am even prepared to never marry as i know most men want children.
any help and duas will be appreciated. thank you and W.S
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Ansariyah
11-19-2008, 08:40 PM
Who will take care of u wen ur old?:-[

Who will look after you?

Wen I look at my parents *tho they are young n well capable of everything, I am happy they have us, and that we have them. I love doing little things for them eg: put warm water in the toilet before they go in. Kiss them, Hug them. Who will kiss and hug you? Who will look like u? Take after ur features: no one if u don't have kids.

Sorry if I don't make sense.

Wat is ur fear?

Don't u want to know what its like to hold ur own child? ur baby smiling at u. ahhh how sweeeet.

U will miss out on lots of fun! but u are free to do as u wish, there is no compulsion.
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Zahida
11-19-2008, 08:54 PM
:sl: Children are a blessing from Allah. You may change your mind as your life progresses, you are still only twenty-three.................:w::bump1:
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kwolney01
11-19-2008, 08:54 PM
Sister I will try to find something about this topic for you.

In my opinion (and this may not be correct in Islam) if you feel that you cannot handle having children or you fear that you will not be a "good mother" then you need to tell who ever you want to marry that. I know that in Islam Allah (swt) wants us to get married and have children this is part of the reason we are here.

Sister, maybe you are just afraid that you will not be a good mother I think every women feels this way in sometime of their life. If there are other reasons why then you should reflect upon those and see if it is worth not having children. I know that some women just do not want children and that it an issue you would have to discuss with a perspective husband.

I hope this helps sister, I'll try to find something better from a scholar.

I wish you the best!!

Jazak Allah Khair!
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kwolney01
11-19-2008, 09:12 PM
Maybe this will help...its not exactly the same but may help in some way.

Question Date:
5/9/2008
Topic :
Marriage: Contraception
Question:
Thank you for your time I was wondering about something. I know that contraception in Islam is permitted in certain circumstances. If a lady is a doctor, and works extremely long hours, many night shifts and has to travel to different cities and hospitals to care for the sick, is it wrong for them to use contraception to prevent having a child? Is it permitted because their reason is good. Their time is taken with their loved patients. They spend all their energy and time trying to improve the lives of the sick. They wish to care for the ill patients and their families and use their knowledge to help those in need. In this case, is it allowed to use contraception? Thank you for your answer
Answer:
Bismillahir-RaHmanir-RaHeem.

First of all, it should be clear that the preservation of the human species is unquestionably the primary objective of marriage, and such preservation of the species requires continued reproduction. Accordingly, Islam encourages having many children and has blessed both male and female progeny.

However, it allows the Muslim to plan his family due to valid reasons and recognized necessities.
It is a must to avoid such things [as birth control] and not to use them except in the cases of dire necessity. If there is a necessity, there is no harm. [This would be] for example, if the woman has some illness in her uterus or so forth that would harm her if she were to become pregnant. Then she may use such pills to the extent of her need, also condom can be used by the husband.

This is also the case if she already has many children and it would become a hardship on her to have another one soon, then she may use the birth control pills for a specific amount of time, such as one year or two years, which is the amount of time designated for breast feeding, until she reaches the stage where she would be able to raise the child properly.

In his response to your question, Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, states:

"Marriage in Islam is based not on one single objective or purpose such as procreation or sexual fulfillment. Rather, it is intended to cater to multiple purposes which include, above all, spiritual tranquility and peace, and cooperation and partnership in fulfilling the divine mandate. Let me explain this briefly.

Islam, being a natural way of life, takes into account all of genuine human instincts such as physical, spiritual, intellectual, emotional, et cetera. It is for this reason that, unlike some other religious ideologies, Islam looks at sexuality positively. In other words, instead of attaching any taboo to sexual fulfillment, Islam teaches us to celebrate sexuality within the framework of a lawful union.

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "You merit rewards of charity in your sexual union with your spouses!" His companions asked in surprise, "How shall we getting rewards for fulfilling our natural instincts?" He asked, "What if someone were to fulfill his desire unlawfully; would he/she be punished for doing so?" They replied, "Certainly." Then he said, "Likewise, when one does it within the framework of marriage, he/she will be rewarded for it!"

Although sexuality is one of the main purposes of marriage, it is not the sole one. According to the clear statement of the Qur'an, tranquility and peace through a successful union is considered the primary objective of marriage: "Among His signs is that He created for you spouses of your own kind in order that you may repose to them in tranquility and He instilled in your hearts love and affection for one another; verily, in these are signs for those who reflect (on the nature of the reality)." (Ar-Rum: 21).

In another place, Allah refers to the relationship between males and females in terms of partnership for achieving goodness and fulfilling the divine mandate for their lives. "The believers, males and females, are partners of one another; they shall jointly enjoin all that is good and counsel against all that is evil." (At-Tawbah: 71). And procreation of the human species is also another important purpose, although marriage is still valid if, for one reason or another, the stated purpose of procreation cannot be achieved.

Now coming to the issue of birth control, there is nothing in Islam that prohibits it so long as it is done consensually for valid reasons such as the following: putting off pregnancy until such time when the spouses are in a better position to shoulder the responsibilities of parenting, to allow for space between pregnancies in order to provide proper nurturing and care to existing children, et cetera.

Birth control is, however, forbidden or undesirable when it is resorted to as a permanent measure to prevent conception altogether; likewise, it is forbidden if resorted to for fear of poverty. Allah says, "Don't kill your children for fear of poverty; it is We who provide sustenance for them and you; verily killing them is a most heinous crime!" (Al-Isra': 31). After reflecting on this verse, scholars have concluded that practicing birth control for fear of poverty is unlawful since it implies weakness of faith and trust in Allah as the Provider and Sustainer of all beings." But if the fear that the burden of children may hamper the family’s circumstances so much that one might accept or do something haram (unlawful) to satisfy their needs. Allah says: '... Allah desires ease for you, and He does not desire hardship for you...' (Al-Baqarah: 185) and, '... It is not Allah’s desire to place a burden upon you...' (Al-Ma'idah: 7)



Wassalam and Allah knows best.
Reference:
IslamiCity
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AnonymousPoster
11-19-2008, 10:08 PM
asalamalecum well is not about be being a bad mother i think i be a pretty good one actually that is not my fear. Without offending anyone children dont intrest me i dont get a warm feeling or feeling anything when i see babies i have nieces and nephew which i love dearly as they are my blood but i dont personally want children.

Who will look after me?
I was born muslim so the whole nursing home thing if i am still alive will definetly not be an option my family will look after me, younger sister..niece.

I try to think why i have always been like this, i seen women in labour but i do not think that is the main reason, i could never imagine myself go through all that especially since i dont desire them.

I realise that is just down to me as an individual not every woman is the same some want 10+ children and others dont, I guess that is just me.

[QUOTEBirth control is, however, forbidden or undesirable when it is resorted to as a permanent measure to prevent conception altogether; likewise, it is forbidden if resorted to for fear of poverty. Allah says, "Don't kill your children for fear of poverty; it is We who provide sustenance for them and you; verily killing them is a most heinous crime!" (Al-Isra': 31). After reflecting on this verse, scholars have concluded that practicing birth control for fear of poverty is unlawful since it implies weakness of faith and trust in Allah as the Provider and Sustainer of all beings." But if the fear that the burden of children may hamper the family’s circumstances so much that one might accept or do something haram (unlawful) to satisfy their needs. Allah says: '... Allah desires ease for you, and He does not desire hardship for you...' (Al-Baqarah: 185) and, '... It is not Allah’s desire to place a burden upon you...' (Al-Ma'idah: 7)
][/QUOTE]

So..marriage might be out of the option.
Reply

kwolney01
11-19-2008, 10:21 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
asalamalecum well is not about be being a bad mother i think i be a pretty good one actually that is not my fear. Without offending anyone children dont intrest me i dont get a warm feeling or feeling anything when i see babies i have nieces and nephew which i love dearly as they are my blood but i dont personally want children.

Who will look after me?
I was born muslim so the whole nursing home thing if i am still alive will definetly not be an option my family will look after me, younger sister..niece.

I try to think why i have always been like this, i seen women in labour but i do not think that is the main reason, i could never imagine myself go through all that especially since i dont desire them.

I realise that is just down to me as an individual not every woman is the same some want 10+ children and others dont, I guess that is just me.

[QUOTEBirth control is, however, forbidden or undesirable when it is resorted to as a permanent measure to prevent conception altogether; likewise, it is forbidden if resorted to for fear of poverty. Allah says, "Don't kill your children for fear of poverty; it is We who provide sustenance for them and you; verily killing them is a most heinous crime!" (Al-Isra': 31). After reflecting on this verse, scholars have concluded that practicing birth control for fear of poverty is unlawful since it implies weakness of faith and trust in Allah as the Provider and Sustainer of all beings." But if the fear that the burden of children may hamper the family’s circumstances so much that one might accept or do something haram (unlawful) to satisfy their needs. Allah says: '... Allah desires ease for you, and He does not desire hardship for you...' (Al-Baqarah: 185) and, '... It is not Allah’s desire to place a burden upon you...' (Al-Ma'idah: 7)
]
So..marriage might be out of the option.[/QUOTE]

I wouldn't say that marriage is out of the question...it might just be a little harder. I'm sure their is someone who feels the same way you do. I wouldn't feel bad about not wanting children thats just you. Allah has someone for everyone sister!! :D

Stay strong!!

Jazak Allah Khair
Reply

Argamemnon
11-19-2008, 11:01 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by kwolney01
I'm sure their is someone who feels the same way you do.
Yes, me.. :-[
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AnonymousPoster
11-19-2008, 11:14 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by kwolney01
So..marriage might be out of the option.
I wouldn't say that marriage is out of the question...it might just be a little harder. I'm sure their is someone who feels the same way you do. I wouldn't feel bad about not wanting children thats just you. Allah has someone for everyone sister!! :D

Stay strong!!

Jazak Allah Khair[/QUOTE]

thank you for your kind words, i hope so because i dont want to be alone for ever. it feels like quite being able to be honest in real life people would look at you like you are either a freak, selfish or crazy.

Having children is something you would get a lot of good deeds for and they are amazing but is not my purpose of life to be a mother i guess is not my wish.
argamemnom a brother who does not want children..thats a first lol, you probably understand where i am coming from.
Reply

Argamemnon
11-20-2008, 12:12 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
argamemnom a brother who does not want children..thats a first lol, you probably understand where i am coming from.
I thought all women wanted children unlike men.
Reply

kwolney01
11-20-2008, 12:14 AM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
I wouldn't say that marriage is out of the question...it might just be a little harder. I'm sure their is someone who feels the same way you do. I wouldn't feel bad about not wanting children thats just you. Allah has someone for everyone sister!! :D

Stay strong!!

Jazak Allah Khair
thank you for your kind words, i hope so because i dont want to be alone for ever. it feels like quite being able to be honest in real life people would look at you like you are either a freak, selfish or crazy.

Having children is something you would get a lot of good deeds for and they are amazing but is not my purpose of life to be a mother i guess is not my wish.
argamemnom a brother who does not want children..thats a first lol, you probably understand where i am coming from.[/QUOTE]


Your very welcome sister!! :D

You can still live a pious life without having kids. Allah has a plan for everyone so continue to ask him for support and help!!

I wish you the best again sister!! :D
Reply

AnonymousPoster
11-20-2008, 12:18 AM
^once again thank you sis.Arga no not everyone is the same, there is more pressure on the woman rather than a man but every situation is different.
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'Abd-al Latif
11-20-2008, 12:18 AM
Encouragement to have a lot of children



Praise be to Allaah.

Abu Dawood (2050) narrated that Ma’qil ibn Yasaar said: A man came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said, “I have found a woman who is of good lineage and is beautiful, but she does not children. Should I marry her?” He said, “No.” Then he came again with the same question and he told him not to marry her. Then he came a third time with the same question and he said: “Marry those who are loving and fertile, for I will be proud of your great numbers before the other nations.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Irwa’ al-Ghaleel, 1784.

This hadeeth indicates that it is encouraged to marry women who are fertile, so that the numbers of the ummah will increase, and so the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) will feel proud of his ummah before all other nations. This shows that it is encouraged to have a lot of children.

Al-Ghazaali said that when a man gets married, intending thereby to have children, that this is an act of worship for which he will be rewarded because of his good intention. He explained that in several ways:

1 – This is in accordance with what Allaah wants, which is to perpetuate the human race.

2 – Seeking the love of the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) in having many children, so that he will feel proud of them before the other Prophets and nations on the Day of Resurrection.

3 – Seeking barakah (blessing) and a great deal of reward, and forgiveness of sins through the du’aa’ of a righteous child after one dies.

It is well known that since ancient times children have been the hope of the Prophets and Messengers and all of the righteous slaves of Allaah, and that will continue to be the case so long as man’s innate nature (fitrah) remains sound. Children are a blessing whom people love and on whom they pin their hopes.

Ibraaheem (peace be upon him) prayed to his Lord, saying (interpretation of the meaning): “My Lord! Grant me (offspring) from the righteous” [al-Saafaat 37:100]

And Allaah says of Zakariya (peace be upon him) (interpretation of the meaning):

“When he called out his Lord (Allaah) a call in secret.

He said: ‘My Lord! Indeed my bones have grown feeble, and grey hair has spread on my head, and I have never been unblest in my invocation to You, O my Lord!

And verily, I fear my relatives after me, and my wife is barren. So give me from Yourself an heir.

Who shall inherit me, and inherit (also) the posterity of Ya’qoob (Jacob) (inheritance of the religious knowledge and Prophethood, not of wealth). And make him, my Lord, one with whom You are Well-Pleased!’

(Allaah said) ‘O Zakariyya (Zachariah)! Verily, We give you the glad tidings of a son, whose name will be Yahyaa (John). We have given that name to none before (him)’”

[Maryam 19:3-7]

Allaah praises His righteous slaves in many ways, such as when He said (interpretation of the meaning):

“And those who say: ‘Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders of the Muttaqoon (the pious)’”

[al-Furqaan 25:74]

And Allaah tells us that Shu’ayb (peace be upon him) commanded his people to remember Allaah’s blessing to them when He made them many after they had been few. He said (interpretation of the meaning):

“And remember when you were but few, and He multiplied you”

[al-A’raaf 7:86]

He regarded their being multiplied after they had been few as a great blessing which obliged them to obey Allaah and obey His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).

Undoubtedly the benefits of increasing the nation’s offspring are obvious to everyone who thinks about the matter. Hence nations who understand this matter have been keen to encourage their people to increase their numbers and also to make their enemies reduce their numbers by means of specious arguments and sometimes by using means that lead to infertility and having few children, by means of drugs, contaminated food stuffs that reduce fertility and so on. This is one of the means of war used against the Muslim ummah by its enemies.

We ask Allaah to ward off the evil of those who disbelieve and to thwart their plots against the Muslims.

And Allaah knows best.


Islam Q&A
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Snowflake
11-20-2008, 02:40 PM
assalamu alaykum sis

while I acknowledge why it's favourable to have children in islam, I also think in your case the lack of interest isn't due to fear of poverty or hardship. I believe you just do not have the same maternal instincts as most women. So it isn't something you are in control of.

That is one reason why I would not try to change your mind. But I do want to say that sometimes some instincts aren't awakened in us until quite later in life. God forbid, sometimes when it's too late. I've seen this happen to men and women. As for me sis, I did not once think of having children in my teens or even in my early twenties. It just never occured to me that babies are something I'll have to think about one day. It was only when I got married, I thought ,"Oh, umm i might get pregnant.." And I decided I couldn't deny my husband a child so I just left it to Allah.


Anyhow, i'd barely got used to married life when I thought I might be pregnant. I told my best friend who insisted I have a pregnancy test done. A part of me wanted to know but a part of me wanted to live in denial. I refused to go, so my friend took a 'sample' to be tested and came back with tears in her eyes. For a couple of minutes I didn't know whether she was upset cuz I wasn't pregnant or happy cuz I was! Suddenly with the hand-brake between us my friend nearly squeezed the life out of me in a big bear hug. I guessed that mean I was pregnant!

And you know what sis? I silently thanked Allah as I reminded myself of all those women who were suffering cuz they couldnt have babies. I thought I should not grudge this pregnancy but consider it Allah's blessing. I felt I was suddenly a different person. A part of me was confused, scared, relieved at knowing I can conceive a child, and all warm and fuzzy inside. Without even noticing my hand went to my tummy and I felt the most fierce protective instinct kick in. I began to love my baby before I even saw him - which wasn't going to be for months. As my baby grew inside me, so did my love for it. And after he was born, I would not let anyone take care of him. I never asked anyone to babysit - not even is daddy. I was with him 24/7 and dared not let him out of my sight. From the day I gave birth to him he became the most important person in my life and always will be. Can you believe these are the feelings of someone who never had thought about children, let alone wanted any.


I share this, not so you change your mind. But so you are aware that our feelings can change in time. Mine have sorta changed again. I do not think I'll want another child again. And if I ever remarry it'd prob be someone who already has kids. So you see feelings change all the time.

Firstly, I don't think you have to stay unmarried. Secondly, I won't recommend marrying someone who doesn't want children incase you later change your mind and he doesn't. In my view the best solution would be to marry into polygamy - someone who already has children and isn't necessarily bothered about whether he has more or not. That was if you don't, it's ok. If you do it's ok too. I know many would find this a strange solution. But in light of your feelings, I think it is most practical.


Finally, whatever you do sis. Make sure it's what you want. Don't do anything under pressure or to please others while your heart isn't in it. But keep an open mind. (hugz)
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aamirsaab
11-20-2008, 02:57 PM
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
asalamualecum everyone, i am a 23 year old muslimah alhamdullah Allah swt has guided me and always been with me, blessed me a lot.
the thing is from the age of seventeen i knew that i did not want children, not everyone woman craves for children and people just look at me amazed when i tell them this and even told me to repent.
Am i commiting a sin? I would like to get married i just dont want kids, i suffered from depression when i was younger and i am happy the way my life is now. I am aware that children in islam are a blessing and i have nothing but upmost respect for mothers however i just dont want to be 1.
my mother gets upset when she hears this..i dont know what to do i am even prepared to never marry as i know most men want children.
any help and duas will be appreciated. thank you and W.S
You're stressing way too much about it right now. You aren't even married yet and it's not like you start making babies right after you sign the freakin marriage certificate! Chillax a little - you don't want kids (at this minute anyway) that's fine and I'm sure your hubby to be will be ok with it. You're a human being afterall, not a baby-making machine!

Bottom line is: don't worry too much. Noone is forcing you to do anything and noone should be.
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AnonymousPoster
11-20-2008, 10:32 PM
asalamualecum Amir lol @baby machine, thank you for your advice. Scent of jannah while reading your story i had a smile in my face dont even know why lol your story is beautiful i always though being in my twenties i would at least feel something but nothing has changed i guess if allah swt wants iy will come late if not allahswt knowz best. my maternal instict are obviously not high or anything near at the moment i guess i am a human i do not know the unknown but right know i am just going to concentrate on my life marriage is not something i am thinking about too much. thank you.:)
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Snowflake
11-21-2008, 12:15 AM
aw sis it's ok.. everyone's different. actually in my late teens and early twenties we lived next door to a family with three orphaned little girls. I was always playing hopscotch and lighting bonfires in the backyard to make them happy. I doubt i'd have thought about babies if one had landed in my lap. And anyway, I was still a baby myself lool. As you say, if Allah wills, it will happen. Or, maybe Allah has chosen you for a special mission inshaAllah. :D
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maryam87
11-21-2008, 02:41 AM
My mothers friend use to be like that, as in kept telling everyone she would never want to have kids. Then a time in her life came when she n her husband decided to have a child and subhanallah she wasnt able to. The doctors say they r both healthy but she not being able to concieve after trying for 8 years!!! So sis whatever Allah (swt) gives u be happy with and never have the intention of never wanting kids cause u never know when u heart might change. How do u even know ur even able to produce kids?? , getting ur period doesnt mean ur definately able to concieve it more complicated than that

About ur nieces lookin after u and such, take that thought straight out of ur head. Cause u never know what they r going to be like when they grow older. lets face it they will have their own children to look after plus u dont know how their husbands personality would be like. All im trying to say is that no-one would love u as much as ur own children. So sis take that thought out of ur head and have faith in Allah (swt) that he shall give u whats best for u
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