Lo0o0o0oL!

[Re.TiReD]

:salamext:

Hope this makes you smile......
EVER WONDER where we are headed...

...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

;D

:w:

[Re.TiReD]

;D

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:



I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.



A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?"



I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts . "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ." Her response ... click.



A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."



I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada ?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."



Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."



A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!



A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.



I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."



A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."



A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."



A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York " The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo , do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

[Olive]

Lol! Those are great! :D

Any more? :p

[Re.TiReD]

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

Death is hereditary.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

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[Zahida]

:sl::sl:SIS you are a scream!!!! Keep them coming...................:):w:

[Fishman]

:sl:
CONQUEST of the threads makes me smile!

And regular, non-psycho things like friends, family, religion, of course :-[...

[Re.TiReD]

:wasalamex

The second post almost had me rofl'ing...;D :p

And what on Allah's earth does ur post mean bro?

WassalamuAlaykum

[aiyesha]

loooooool sis they r sooo funny hav u got nymore

[Olive]

Haha! The second one's funny too! :D

[Na7lah]

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York " The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo , do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

:lol:

[Patience7]

lol just so funny, thanks sis...made me have a good laugh:D

[Tony]

If you never run when theres a fire, why does the emergency exit have a running man on it. (bit lame I know)

[Tilmeez]

**rofl**

[Faith.]

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives

:giggling:

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

Lol...Funny..
These had me rolling tho^ :D

[Re.TiReD]

LOL

I dont have anymore btw, sorry.

[Faith.]

No probs...

[Re.TiReD]

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

[Tony]

George Bush "I never had sexual relations with that woman" !!! Now that was funny seeming as we all knew he did

[Faith.]

Hahaha Hil...ariouss..:D

[highway_trekker]

crazy lol :D

[Tilmeez]

q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why i was doing an
autopsy

rofl

you will kill us!

[Re.TiReD]

*edit*

[aadil77]

americans :D lol, in their own little world

[xHolyPrincessx]

Salaam,

Sistah Thse Jkez Gt Me Laughin Out Load 2 Myselffff lolzzzzz Keep Dem CUmin

Der REALII Gooddddd

w.salam x

[- IqRa -]

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

... :ooh:... ;D

[abdussattar]

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

[Abu Zainab]

^ abdulsattar bhai I think you are in a mood for digging up old threads today innit?

Thanks for this one btw

[Woodrow]

Are we really that stupid?

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:



On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestions: Defrost.

Printed on the bottom of Tesco Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down.

On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a toboggan:
Beware: Sledge may develop high speed under certain snow conditions.

On a knife sharpener:
Caution: knives are sharp.

On shin pads for cyclists:
Shin guards cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.

On a take away coffee cup:
Caution: Hot beverages are hot.

Emergency safety procedures at a US summer camp:
In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood proceed uphill quickly.

In a microwave oven manual:
Do not use for drying pets.

On the back of a pilot's seat in a Nato aircraft:
Seat must be facing forward for take-off and landing.

On the bottom of a cola bottle:
Do not open here.

On a Harry Potter wizards broom:
This broom does not actually fly.

On a box of aspirin:
Do not take if allergic to aspirin.

On a bottle of laundry detergent:
Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.

On a muffin packet:
Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.

In a kettle instruction manual:
The appliance is switched on by setting the 'ON/OFF' button to the 'ON' position.

On a ketchup bottle:
Instructions: Put on food.

On a bottle of rum:
Open bottle before drinking.

A car park sign:
Entrance only. Do not enter.

A sign in a street in Hong Kong:
Beware of people.

Rules on a tram in Prague:
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be persecuted.

Sign on newly-renovated ramp entrance, USA:
Take care: new non-slip surface.

On a can of air freshener:
For use by trained personnel only.

On a bottle of baby lotion:
Keep away from children.

On a pair of socks bought in egypt:
Do not wash.

On a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle:
Some assembly required.

On a can of pepper spray used for self defense:
May irritate eyes.

On a Frisbee:
Warning: may contain small parts.

In a car handbook:
In order to get out of car, open door, get out lock doors, and then close doors.

On a packet of cashew nut pieces:
Warning: This product may contain residue of nuts.

Directions for mosquito repellant:
Replacing battery: replace old battery with a new one.

On a birthday card for a one year old:
Not suitable for children aged under 36 months or less.

In a hotel bedroom:
Please do not turn on TV except when in use.

In a lift in a Japanese hotel:
Push this button in case anything happens.

On a toilet cleaning brush:
Do not use orally.

On a can of Spray paint:
Do not spray in your face.

On a TV remote:
Not Dishwasher safe.

On a blowtorch:
Not used for drying hair.

On a washing machine inn a launderette:
No small children.

On a bottle of hair dye:
Do not use as Ice Cream topping.

On a push along lawn mower:
Not to be used as a hedge trimmer.

On a box of fireworks:
Do not put in mouth.

On the packaging for a wrist watch:
Warning this is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.

In a dishwasher manual:
Do not allow children to play in dishwasher.

On a toaster:
Do not use underwater.

On a mattress:
Do not attempt to swallow.

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

Assalaamu Alaaykum

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.

On a bottle of baby lotion:
Keep away from children.

On a packet of cashew nut pieces:
Warning: This product may contain residue of nuts.

^^^now all these i can never understand :-\

This was funny :-\ i mean why would anyone ever do that? :-\ though i wonder how that is even possible

On a mattress:
Do not attempt to swallow.

[Abu Zainab]

^ Either the mattress is very small or they are expecting godzilla in their store

[Ramadhan]

Are we really that stupid? In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

We can thank the increasingly litigious society (with special thanks to the US lawyers) for forcing companies to create these kind of ridiculous notices on their products.

[Ramadhan]

Assalaamu Alaaykum Quote Originally Posted by Woodrow View Post On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts. Quote Originally Posted by Woodrow View Post On a bottle of baby lotion: Keep away from children. Quote Originally Posted by Woodrow View Post On a packet of cashew nut pieces: Warning: This product may contain residue of nuts. ^^^now all these i can never understand

"may contain nuts" = many americans are allergic to nuts, some have severe reactions that can be fatal if they consume nuts.

"baby lotion: keep away from children" = baby lotion bottles are normally placed near the reach of the children, and they could potentially open the bottle and ingest/consume the content.

Companies are forced to put these warnings because if those accidents really happen, they don't want to be held liable. Remember that in the US people sue for everything, and the ratio of lawyers in the US is easily the highest in the world, by far. In the 90s, there was a grandmother who successfully sued mcDonalds for million of dollars because she bought a hot cup of coffee, and the coffee spilled on her while she was drinking it while driving, causing her to suffer burn injury.
After that, mcDonals was forced to put the warning label: contain hot coffee, etc..