format_quote Originally Posted by
mastercosmos
I can definitely see how it comes off looking like I am acting like a Drama Queen. There are times during the day where I think to myself this is stupid, you are over-reacting.
Akhi, it's OK to have those feelings! the drama part comes in what you decide to do!
It's not that she "loved" someone before me that bothers me it's more of the fact that she loved them the same time she said yes to me. I guess I am insecure about that and would probably say that I am a drama queen here.
the "separation of sexes" can leave one without "experience" in certain matters, it's only human.
But I want this marriage to start on a strong footing and I am not sure that it has. I have seen quite a few friends get married to someone they did not want only to see their marriage fail or for them to remain in misery. I don't want that to happen here. I want the best for both myself and her. Which is why I would like to put it out in the open and here her side of it.
i'm sure "from her point of view", you've already heard "her side of it!"
Again, thanks for listening and all the advice. It is very helpful to hear other people's take on an issue.
:sl:
here's a slightly different take:
After 28 years I finally decided to get married
OK, pray Istikara
Fly back to "the old country" to find a bride from my town
pray Istikara
Given a list of people that fit what I was looking
:blind:
:D
I fell in love with one as she met them all bar one
- Decided to overlook the relative thing as I really liked her
pray Istikar
get the picture?
as for the situation now, what EXACTLY are you seeking guidance on? by that i mean are you going to "frame the question" in a positive or negative light? makes a HUGE difference!
here's my take [based on the little i've read here, but with tons of experience with woman compared to most]:
you did all that you did and went home to find a wife. there's this woman who IS ALREADY in love with someone [or at least she thinks that she is!] because of that, she freaks on learning that you are coming home. she "jumps the gun" and has the guy come propose. the family says NO! (SOME PEOPLE might see this as the decree of Allah[swt]!)
now, the family then requests that she sits with you, don't forget that she IS AFRAID of this meeting! does she "bail out" or runaway or stall? NO, she does what her parents requested! TAQWAH perhaps???
now, not only does she sit with you, she eventually, DESPITE HER DOUBTS, agrees to the marriage! to me, that means that she sat with you, she had an open mind and an open heart! this shows that she has IMAN, either in following her parents request OR just plain trusting in Allah[swt]!!!
FURTHER, she starts to trust you completely and starts confiding in you! NOW YOU WANT TO PERFORM ISTIKARA?
imsad
Akhi, you are BOTH very inexperienced in relationships. THUS you will have feelings of insecurity, so will she!
IF Allah[swt] has decreed that this be your wife, then she is a GIFT from Allah[swt]! TREAT HER AS SUCH!
don't play any games! especially "head games!"
relax, chill a bit, have some tea!
let her know, that you freaked at little[AT FIRST] when she "opened up" to you. maybe, she will have a way to ease your concerns and then, In Sha'a Allah, you will see the truth!
and thanks for reading my response Brother! i'm 50, but have only been a Muslim for just under 3 years. HOWEVER, due to assibiyyah and jahillyah, what and how i've seen Muslim brothers treat their women borders on insanity and criminality at times!
here are some good lectures an Muslim woman and Nikkah:
Muslim Women! Are they Oppressed?
http://www.nazirakoob.com/menk/Vol1.html#Part8
Nikah + Justice & Mans Ungrateful Attitude
http://www.nazirakoob.com/menk/Vol1.html#Part12
Nikah Advices + The Muslim Ummah
http://www.nazirakoob.com/menk/Vol2.html#Part3
and this one's just great:
Abdud Dunyaa (Slave of the World)
http://www.nazirakoob.com/menk/Vol2.html#Part8
this series is VERY BENEFICIAL [around 5 hours long]:
Social Conduct - Ramadaan 1425 (2004)
http://www.nazirakoob.com/menk/SocialConduct.html
here's the general download site:
http://www.muftimenk.co.za/Downloads.html
May Allah[swt] guide you and make it easy on you!
AMEEN!
:w:
Yusuf