Hijab

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:

I'm sorry, I know there are many threads on this topic, but I read through some of them and they are not quite what I'm looking for. :-[

Within one semester, I'll be leaving to college away from my family and friends. I knew there was a good chance the college I would go to would be far enough. Three years ago, I knew I wanted to get to a point where I had my five prayers down and I was wearing hijab. After leaving Sunday school 5 years ago, fact is that I knew only 1 or 2 Muslims.

I've come to a point where I really could care less what others think, which has made life quite easier. But the hardest part is trying to change. I haven't been quite clear to my parents what I want. In fact, they got the wrong message - I hate school and life. I'm trying to tell them that everything comes secondary to my faith. 2 years ago, I told them I wanted to wear hijab. I think they are not quite sure what to say. They get mixed feelings themselves. Without their die hard support, I feel really sad and confused on what I'm supposed to be doing. IBut down in my heart, I know they'll be happy when I'm a good Muslim... but they don't see my willingness because I am unable to express it unless I'm angry. Feelings and thoughts, I just can't communicate with my parents, it's something we don't do unless we're yelling at each other to get something done. (that's just another story). They aren't as well known about Islam. When they think of Muslims, they think perfection. they think that everytime I do something bad (which is usually yelling angrily in which I've said some meant things about how my family is run, all the secularism ... or being lazy) that I'm hypocritical!!! But we aren't all perfect!!! sometimes we sin, but prayer is still obligatory! I can't just change everything so quickly!!! It's like if everything is messed up, just let me have my faith please!!! It's awkward because I'm a good kid, but I always lose my temper with my family!!!! I need my family's support to change the very temper that irks them. It's awkward in a way, I need the very people I hurt to be forgiving for at least once, so I can be better!!!

5 prayers sometimes impossible to get done, I am bound to the time tables of my family. My family is huge. I feel embarassed to say it's time for prayer because in between I sin. I get mad and start yelling. Some times I want to hang out with my friends, but they are all non Muslims and some of them hang out with guys. I can never go with them anywhere. and I don't think they really care to realize that I can't go with them if they go with guys. It sounds unfriendly but I think they don't see me as a practicing Muslim much.

I'm supposed to be this and that, but I really want to concentrate on my faith because it really does require most of my efforts. After 8 hours of school, it's really hard to even remember Islam.

All these I have to do.



You know we have this big house and all these little kids ( I have two younger sibs 4, 9 and an older one, my 4 cousins who are 4, 9. 11, 12), there's always THIS INCREDIBLY AMOUNT Of HOUSEWORK. I obviously can't get it all done by myself. My parents work. We've never quite had a system for housework. It drives me insane. Because I want my parents to support me, if I can prove to them I'm a hardworking child, they'll believe in me. I know if they can see I'm ready to help out and get good grades.

Grades!! I can't keep any motivation with my grades and schoolwork. blah to secular education, when I'm missing all this spiritual education. But school is very important to my parents. But they don't understand that I can't do anything if I don't have Islam. It's the only thing that motivates me. I try to tell myself it's important to learn secular knowledge because a Muslims is well rounded, must be grateful and defend Islam. Then again, who am I kidding! I can barely establish my prayers. I need go establish my prayers. But then in the end I do just homework. I want to stop school and my fix my family's problems, but that is the problem! My family thinks a good job and nice grades will fix it. But I want to let go of school and read up on Islam and follow it, when I see all the solutions to my problems with it.


My brain and body can't handle free time, when I should be doing whatever I need to get done.
All these things to do, not only do I get tired from trying to do them. Some days, I feel so overwhelmed, I get very stressed. I get panick attacks and my head hurts. I go straight to sleep because I'm screaming in my head and I can't even handle all the worrying.

Sometimes, the honest truth is that I'm just lazy. When I have so many things to do, laziness or "excessive breaks" don't have places in my life.


There is no way I can possibly express my emotions/feelings/thoughts to my parents other than through actions. I don't want to just start wearing hijab a day before uni starts. Because this summer, I'm visiting my grandma, and my grandma has this connection to me that she doesn't have with other grandchildren because I lived with her in India. and I want to let her know that I'm starting to do the right things on my own will. All the things she ever told and I remember of her and them are the only true adult, elder figure I've ever had.

Now that I've got that off my chest, :-[

Although, I've been thinking and working on my faith for the past 4 years. In the next 3 weeks, I barely have class and then it's winter break. It seems like opportunous time to really concentrate on my faith. In that, my parents will see my dedication. By the end of it, I want to tell my parents that I want to wear hijab. Winter break seems like the perfect time to wear hijab because I just didn't want to start wearing it over a random week within the next semester. I wanted some experience wearing in hijab in a community I'm at least familiar with, so when I go off to college, I know what to expect and how to deal with certain situations better than if I just put myself in that situation with a complete set of strangers.

Originally, the only thing that stopped me from wearing job was that I was afraid what people might say at school. But I've long gone over that hump. Then I might a few Muslims who were reluctant to start wearing it and they told me, you have to make sure you're prepared, you have to make sure you're prepared you have to make sure you're prepared you have to make sure you're prepared etc.. you have to do it at the right time.
What's the right time when you're already like 6 years late from the time you were required to wear it?


I keep on having doubts that I'm being impulsive. Although I'm not perfect and because I'm tied to school hours and family hours, I can't make many prayers on time that doesn't mean I couldn't complete the five prayers if I could... and if I have a constant reminder like a hijab since I have no Muslim friends, parents and I don't even feel Islam anywhere where I live, it could be the thing to save me and keep reminding me. I try to bring Islamic books to read around on campus, but I feel like a hypocrite and a misrepresentation of Islam, so I don't anymore. But I need something to constantly to remind me. I tried those ipod things, but they are banned from campus exeept during lunch. I want to increase my faith without driving the world insane, being judged, misrepresentating..etc!!!!

[BNDGR]

InshaAllah you will be guided in all your decisions. Dealing with family who just don't understand is always going to be difficult. I know you already know this, but you don't have to be perfect to be a muslim. You are going on the right path, and Allah will reward you for your efforts and struggles. Making your five daily prayers and communicating with Allah one on one and just putting everything in his hands. Also deciding to wear hijab, mashaAllah I am happy that you are striving for this. I have been told that shaitan will continue to push us and cause us problems, and make our lives so hard, but don't give in.
I will pray that inshaAllah things get easier for you. Just put on the hijab when your ready with no regard to anyone else, your following the right way, and noone can take that from you. We all have times when we get mad and say and do things we shouldn't but just continue to ask Allah for forgivness and to give you more patience to handle everything the right way.
Take care ..