is this love?

[brunella]

Assalamu Aleikum
Hi everybody,

I'm a (was a strongly) Christian girl, now thinking of converting to Islam.
My case is a littlebit strange, can be said disgracefull too. I'm not proud about my past, but I am sure that I wouldn't have the same character if I wouldn't have lived like what I did. Don't get me wrong please, I'm not the worst person in the world, but many times I feel ashamed that, I didn't keep myselfe only for my husband.
So...I start my story from where I got born again...
I went to Egypt, for a summer job, although I was calm and humble "for my kind" (I'm European), I became a littlebit wild. I didn't do too many stupid things, but I felt free.
I always wanted a husband who loved me only and who I can love, and a few kids...but specially I've always wanted to be with God but beside my husband. I had two boyfriends for longer time and I never found God with them..we tried, we went to Church togeather, but it wasn't what I was dreaming about.
So after I went to Egypt, I was astonished and shocked of the people living here. I heard so many bad things about Arabic people, that I wanted to find out the real truth. So I made friends with the staff from the hotel, and though many of them saw me as a girl with bad reputation (only because of my nationality, and kindness thowards men too) I made real friends, brothers.
There I met my present husband. And here is, when everything gets complicated. I know the laws, I know what I should do, but please, think with your heart when you answer me...
In Egypt there is a marriage contract, which is legal and not legal at the same time. This means, you can tear it apart and nobody knows you were married, but if you don't have it and you are caught walking on the street, the police will take you. We have this contract. His parents met me, and like me, and I am also fond of them. They know about our contract, but told him to make the wedding only if I become muslim. We spoke about this a lot, I cried a lot and sometimes felt he is forcing me to convert if I want him as my legal husband. He is very sweet and understanding, but sometimes he goes crazy, and I don't know how I can speak to him, not to offend him, or make him angry.When I start to speak about religions, and specially me converting, he becomes a littlebit angry, and doesn't want to speak about it (because I will cry in the end). I don't know if you will understand me, but I will try to tell you what I have in my heart. I don't believe in the rightousness of religions- I really believe that God, on the Day of Judgement will look for the real muslims, and in my opinion these are the people who really believe, and you cannot know who believes from how he prays, or what traditions he has, but from how he acts. If he is a good person, he will get the mercy of God. I belive that good Jews, and good Christians, and good Muslims will see the truth when they will be infront of God and be saved, and even if other religions' people will see the God, and admit about Him, they will be blessed. I'm sorry...I went to far away from my story, but I would like you to know me a littlebit better.
So my husband and I are planning to really get married in the summer. I got dissapointed in him more times, he really hurt me, but I always forgave him, and still love him, like nobody in the world.
He told me, he can't marry anybody else, but me. Now, he just told me, that there is a girl, who he knew before me and promissed to engage her this year. He was asking me if I could live with another wife, although he knows how depressed I was, and almost tried suiccide because he was flirting with someone else.
I feel he really loves me, but sometimes, maybe just to make me jealous, or make me feel a kind of torture he tells me things that make me want to just dissapear.
I'm asking him to tell me if he comes home late, or if he closes his phone, so I won't worry, but he never does. When I was on a trip and my phone's battery died and he was waiting for me at home, he almost didn't speak to me for a day, of anger, why I didn't call him, and because he was worried. When I do the same, it's not permitted for me...I can't be scared about him. I almost don't speak with boys, so I won't fall in love with anybody even from mistake, but he is telling me he (likes?) loves the girl he wants to marry-not like me, but still he doesn't want to hurt her.(?!) What about me...? Do I want too much? I know I'm selfish, but I feel it's my right... He promised me many things, and he lied in my face also...i feel he needs me, and I know I need him. I feel he is disrespectful sometimes, but maybe it's my fault because I'm not strong enough with him and forgive him many things.What can I do? I see he gets angry and hatefull, and I get very depressed and worried many times, I can feel, we are not with God... What can I do with him? He is the best thing in my life, but he is not like a good muslim husband, I think-and it seems, no matter what I do, I'm never the (muslim) wife he is dreaming about. I need him to be with me infront of God, I'm not so strong as to take him there. I love him so much, and just want a happy family life with him. Am I doing something wrong?

Thank you for your answers...

[S_87]

Hi and welcome

Love is a hard thing and can lead u to overlook things that may be a greater problem in the future. I believe the marriage contract you were talking about is the islamic 'mikah' by which you are married to him according to islamic law. He cant force you to convert, conversion must be from the heart..you must actually believe and God knows what is in your heart so to do it for him will be hypocrisy because God still knows what you believe. So whilst we can advise you to accept islam, not for his sake, but because you want to find true peace with God, you cant be forced. I hope you take time to look at articles on this forum esepcially the Discover Islam section just to learn some things :)
Anyway, if you have converted for him, is he really worth it? are you willing to be like this for the unforeseen future, 'believing' something for someone but not really?

As for your other issue, it seems kinda dodgy. marrying the other girl just because he doesnt want to hurt her is a flimsy excuse because in the end he probably WILL hurt her, whereas if he had cancelled the engagement he would have only hurt her pride. Is there any family pressure into him marrying her or is his family happy with you as his only wife?
TBH i cant tell you what to do with him, as you said from the heart and from the mind is different....but i can say there are many respectful muslim men out there and may Allah guide you and bless you with a man who will bring you closer to Allah.

[Zamtsa]

Dear Brunella, Rasulullah said somerhing like "Like gold or silver, the best man when they are Kafir, will be the best Muslim."

And Rasulullah said to his Shahaba that whatever they do because of Allah's name or the creator's name before becoming Muslim, will be rewarded by Allahu Ta'ala.

That guy was doing a marriage which was Zina, according to Islam and Rasulullah had declare at Khaibar war or before, that Mut'ah marriage is Zina, since that time until the Day of Judgement.
Ibn Abbas radhiyallahu 'Anhu was knowing this fact from 'Ali bin Abi Thalib, the Mut'ah marriage had been allowed 1st time at war, then being cancelled, then allowed again at war, then cancelled again, then allowed again in a war, and then being cancelled by Rasulullah Shalallahu 'Alaihi wa Sallam until the Day of Judgement.

So he was like thee, he was not a virgin. So now, Islam never allowed Muslim to marry a Kafirun from any religion IN MUT'AH. They are allowed to marry Jews and Christian, and better to marry a Muslim, but allowed to marry especially good Jews and good Christian.

I assume this guy did to thee the Syi'ah marriage, which allowed this kind of marriage with Kafirun (people who reject Islam). He was not a follower of Rasulullah when he done that and if he still keep that belief.

I mean you must choose a guy from Ahlus Sunnah or Sunni, and may your marriage be fruitful, and Assalamu manit taba'al huda (May peace be upon who follow the guidance).


Assalamu'alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh.

[islamstory]

Dear sister
I know exactly what are you talking about, you are a smart lady and i would like to give you an advice as an expert in egyptian people as im one of them.
you need to put love aside and think with your brain and try to be logical, this marriege is not gona work, im sorry to say that, you might love each other but you are different in thinking and backgrounds.
you need to use your brain to judge, there things you can forgive and there is things you cant forgive and you cant just overlook it.

your brother
karim

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[halloula]

i think what she mean with her marriage borther abdul thayyib is 3orfi not mut'ah.

But dear brunella, i think your husband is trying to make you jealous he's trying to test your patience with what he's doing and he want to see if you willing to convert to islam to keep him. dont pressure your self to much i want to tell you that you will not loose anything looking at some islamic books and articles that may help you get the decision of convertion without any pressure and good luck

[brunella]

Thank you, for your answers!

The contract I was speaking about is a legalised one, maid by lawyer, with whitnesses.

I feel, being a believer people should admit about their wrong doings, and beg for God to forgive them. My husband is a proud man. Maybe this is why I love him...but he doesn't know when to admit, he's wrong...After any fight we have, I am the one asking for forgiveness, even if he was the one, who lied to me. I know, this is how a good wife should be, forgiving, but what is the maximum, where should I say enough?

I do believe in God, so please don't call me Kafir. :(

[glo]

Assalamu Aleikum
In Egypt there is a marriage contract, which is legal and not legal at the same time. This means, you can tear it apart and nobody knows you were married, but if you don't have it and you are caught walking on the street, the police will take you. We have this contract. His parents met me, and like me, and I am also fond of them. They know about our contract, but told him to make the wedding only if I become muslim. We spoke about this a lot, I cried a lot and sometimes felt he is forcing me to convert if I want him as my legal husband. He is very sweet and understanding, but sometimes he goes crazy, and I don't know how I can speak to him, not to offend him, or make him angry.When I start to speak about religions, and specially me converting, he becomes a littlebit angry, and doesn't want to speak about it (because I will cry in the end). I don't know if you will understand me, but I will try to tell you what I have in my heart.
So my husband and I are planning to really get married in the summer. I got dissapointed in him more times, he really hurt me, but I always forgave him, and still love him, like nobody in the world.
He told me, he can't marry anybody else, but me. Now, he just told me, that there is a girl, who he knew before me and promissed to engage her this year. He was asking me if I could live with another wife, although he knows how depressed I was, and almost tried suiccide because he was flirting with someone else.
I feel he really loves me, but sometimes, maybe just to make me jealous, or make me feel a kind of torture he tells me things that make me want to just dissapear.
I'm asking him to tell me if he comes home late, or if he closes his phone, so I won't worry, but he never does. When I was on a trip and my phone's battery died and he was waiting for me at home, he almost didn't speak to me for a day, of anger, why I didn't call him, and because he was worried. When I do the same, it's not permitted for me...I can't be scared about him.

What about me...? Do I want too much? I know I'm selfish, but I feel it's my right... He promised me many things, and he lied in my face also...i feel he needs me, and I know I need him. I feel he is disrespectful sometimes, but maybe it's my fault because I'm not strong enough with him and forgive him many things.What can I do? I see he gets angry and hatefull, and I get very depressed and worried many times, I can feel, we are not with God... What can I do with him? He is the best thing in my life, but he is not like a good muslim husband, I think-and it seems, no matter what I do, I'm never the (muslim) wife he is dreaming about. I need him to be with me infront of God, I'm not so strong as to take him there. I love him so much, and just want a happy family life with him. Am I doing something wrong?

Thank you for your answers...

Dear Brunella

I am not a Muslim, so please take that into account when you read my post.

I will not comment on your feelings about your husband at times coercing you to convert to Islam. I know that Islam does not condone people being forced or coerced to convert ... so I will leave that side to other Muslims to comment on.

Instead I have highlighted the things in your OP which concern me, and which make me think that yours is a very volatile relationship!
Please read the sentences in bold and think carefully whether this sounds like the beginnings of a lasting and stable relationship ...

To answer your question, I don't think this is love as I understand it.
But the decision is yours, of course.

I pray that God will lead you in the right way.

Peace :)

[IbnAbdulHakim]

the sincerest advice i can give to you is to seek out God without him.

to do it the right way...

he has done so many islamically wrong things with you..

As a partner he seems so unsure and confused, as a muslim he seems to not be careful about Gods commands.


I hope my advice was slightly helpful

forgive me but i adviced based on just what you said, i understand that i dont have the full picture..

[Hamayun]

Dear Sister,

I have utmost respect for your sincerity and good intentions. Your journey to find God is your own. You have to find your own way. This should not be influenced by your relationship.

Your husband does not seem to be a very good Muslim judging by his actions. Please think logically and don't let love cloud your judgement.

All I can say is: May Allah guide you and your husband and make you pious and noble. Ameen.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alykum us-Salaam
well, i think it really depends on what you want in a marriage/guy...do you want to live in this almost abusive environment? or do you want to live in peace and happiness :)

some people have an odd ways of expressing love, to be honest. im not saying his attitudes/tantrums are acceptable-far from it-but i think he seriously need help to express this love in a more gentle manner...

also, you need to stand up for yourself, in a way that he'll take it in a good way...you cant let him show this type of attitude towards you i.e the tantrums, etc because it'll only get worse for you and you' ll probs end up in one of them emotional traps where you cant handle the verbal abuse,etc yet you love him too much to let him go.


you dont (intentionally) hurt your loved ones. end of.

After any fight we have, I am the one asking for forgiveness, even if he was the one, who lied to me.

you see, i think thats really good of you, but you've gotta try talk to him to admit his problem, because he'll never see his mistakes that way if you keep letting him "get away with it." its not good for you or him....although, i must say, most arab men have a hard time admitting they are wrong.


and lastly, you shouldn't convert for anyone, except Allah :)