dealing deeling with bad feelings

[mutu]

Assalam alaikum. I first apologise for making this so long.. I hope people wont mind.

I met my current husband through internet while he was living in turkey with his family and me in Norway with mine. We knew that in order to live together, it requires a visa to Norway. And to be able to do that we needed to be married in order to have a ground to apply for it. Since the beginning my husband’s parents were resistive to this idea and suggested we wait for another solution and not marry while we can’t live together. I cannot move to turkey because I am financially bounded to Norway by loans and education, and I cannot use my education in turkey for work because of language. It was therefore a need for us to live here, and my husband wanted the same.

At first his mother did not want him to marry me because I was European and she did not trust that I would make him happy. She had also expressed that she would not want her son to marry someone who was not a virgin. (She had asked personally to my husband whether I was virgin or not, being in one previous relationship before Islam, I was not). At that time I had converted to Islam and was going regularly to learn about Islam in a local mosque. And I felt deeply hurt, as if I was less worth as a person because of errors I did not know were wrong until faith and religion came to me. I felt as if I was "damaged goods". I had already visited them, and met them at this point and was therefore maybe more hurt because I knew them personally. Also because my sexual status was private for me and I felt ashamed that it was a topic. They knew I had converted and that I did not receive faith until that time.


After 1 year of wanting to get married, but living in each our countries I asked that he talked to his parents to solve this because it is hard for us to wait many years for a solution that might not come. He talked to them and managed to convince them to let him marry me. But his mother had decided for us to keep this secret and not tell his relatives until he moved to Norway and she would then tell that we met in Norway and not through internet (she saw this as a little embarrassing). Then after 1.5 years I came to do nikah, one with imam and one with official laws. But during that stay I suffered many difficulties about his family that I have hard times to deal with even today and it damages our marriage because it hurts him to see that I love his mother less for these reasons.

As his mother wanted the marriage hidden she didn’t invite, nor tell all of the relatives, just the close ones she knew best. We visited my husband’s cousin who was one of those who were informed about the situation, but not her husband, and he was supposed to be home late. But he came home unexpectedly and not knowing what was going on, my husband’s cousin closed the door as if to hide me and not let her husband see me so that he won’t ask questions. I didn’t know the language so I couldn’t understand what they talked about, I thought that out of respect for my shyness they didn’t want to let her husband see me. But later I learnt that it was because of the mothers will to hide me from her relatives.

After the marriage my husband’s mother had confronted my husband about how they will keep the information sealed and not reach all relatives, my husband offered to remove his wedding ring on his mothers request while they visit relatives to not awaken curiosity.

my husband’s father finally interfered and said that he will not remove his wedding ring, hide from relatives or lie about what has happened because me, as a wife does not deserve such treatment. I was relieved and happy to see this warning from him and his mother understood that she cannot go on with her intension of lying and hiding the marriage.

I was then introduced to all relatives, and his mother brought me along to meet all the women of the family, so my husband would not come along. They don’t speak English and I didn’t speak Turkish but I decided to come because it was his mothers wish to introduce me properly. There were maybe 15 women in the gathering, where 2 spoke English. At first I was introduced and people were interested but then I sat on my own for 3 hours without being talked to, while his mother carried on her talks with her sisters and relatives as if I was not there. I was very sad to have been left alone and felt very uncared for but I didn’t show any sadness or negative attitude towards his mother. Rather I talked with my husband when we came back to not leave me to this kind of situation again.

Another time she wanted me to meet my husband’s father’s relatives and at the time they had planned it to I had gotten ill. I expressed that I was not feeling well and to please be excused from the meeting. I was told that they had waited just for me and it was not fair that I disappoint them. My husband wasn’t able to stay on my side to defend that I did not feel well and asked me to please join just this time even though I was sick. I wasn’t given any choice so I had to go, and I was having a hard time to be cheerful at this meeting because I wasn’t feeling well.

All along his parents had interfered with our decisions such as marriage and conditions and my husband says that he cannot decide things alone because they have rights over him, and he does not have the means to decide on his own, like his own house.

But for me it gets very difficult because only we can know what is needed in our life, and therefore we must decide how we will do about living conditions and life in general. Now we are married and waiting for visa and everything got better and some tension in the family about me seems to have passed, but I feel like I cannot truly love his mother because of all that has happened. I never show any grudge, bad feeling or bad treatment towards her and from the outside it seems as if I love her very much. But in my heart I struggle and suffer so much from being hurt in the past by her.

It is difficult to stop thinking about it and I don’t know what to do about this feeling. I prayed many times for Allah to remove the scar inside my heart so that I can truly love her and make my husband happy.

But whenever I think of the humiliation I was caused while I was seen as not good enough, and how humiliated I felt when I realized that his mother had tried to hide me to prevent our marriage to be known(because of a humiliating way of meeting, she thought), that she wanted to lie about me and my husband to hide what she thought was an embarrassing story, how hurt I felt when she left me alone for 3 hours, and pushing me to go out while I was sick, I return to this feeling of sadness and hurt and it prevents me from loving her from my heart.

His mother is a kind person who gives me gifts and makes the food I like and says that she loves me as her own daughter, but still it is hard for me to truly feel the same although I do my best to make sure these feelings are not shown, and that she feels loved and cared for by me. But she did not apologize for the things she did, my husband says she regrets but she never came to me with words of regret. And maybe I would have felt better if she had apologized and showed me words of regret.

Now his mother plans to have a second wedding so that she can invite all the relatives as she didn’t in the first place. And according to experiences I will have no say in it, as my husband’s parents are strong in their authority towards him. I didn’t want a second marriage like this because of a history of being hurt after many gatherings were I was left alone. My husband might have the need to talk to others too when they gather so he cannot stay by my side at all times.

I don’t know how to get rid of this feeling and I don’t know what to do about his parents’ authorative side, do I even have the right to decide above his parents when the decision is about me? And do I have the right to say that I do not want it like this in something they have already decided but not consulted me with?

My husband says that he can’t cancel this second wedding because relatives have already been informed, but I was never asked or included in the decision of having a second marriage at all.

What can I do? And is there any surah or ayah I can read that will prevent the scar in my heart from staying open? I want to put everything behind and focus on loving his family as my own, but whenever something negative happens about his family I am reminded of these negative things from the past and end up often crying cause of feeling down about it.

Am I alone with these kind of feelings imsad ? Does anyone have similar cases? And how do you deal with them?

I welcome any view and advise on this case, but I would prefer people with knowledge of Islamic moral to answer.

Ps. It’s a long story, so special thanks to those who took their time to read it still

[Musaafirah]

:sl:
I'm so sorry for what you have been through and what your mother-in-law did was completely wrong. But sister, i feel with time you'll come to forgive her. It could be that she's the type that can't say sorry? I mean some people get to the stage where they want to but won't because of some sort of misplaced honour or something.
I dunno, maybe things'll look up once you're settled?
Does your husband have a sister or female relative that speaks English and can act as your interpretor?
May Allah ease your difficulties.

[Woodrow]

:sl: Ukhti,

A very sad situation. I suggest that you seek close personal advice from an Imam you know and trust. If that is not possible seek out a Sister, that you trust, from your Masjid .


At this moment your need is to have close contact with somebody you can speak to face to face. A forum is a good place to ventilate and express feelings, but it is seldom a good resource for problem solving.

Be prepared to plan advance for other possible problems that may arise. It may be a good idea to find legal counsel also.

[halloula]

may allah make it easy for you sister

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[Ansariyah]

I'm sorry u had to go through so much just to get married. I think it's ignorant from ur inlaws to judge u for wat happened be4 u become a Muslimah. They might as well Judge all the Sahabas (ra) because they were all reverts, n Allah forgave u all ur sins the day u accepted Islam. Don't let these people make u feel cheap. U are an honorable Muslimah!! They sound backward n very much influenced by their culture. Though u have lots of bad memories from the past, I think u shud accept this wedding n attend. U deserve to be happy, every bride has this right so consider this ur right that came a lil late? U seem so patient n nice, Allah will reward u for that inshaAllah. :sunny:

Try not to feel so sad sis, May Allah make things easy for u ameen.

Allaah - the Most High - said:

"The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel evil with that which is better; then indeed, he between whom and you there was enmity, will become as though he was a close friend." [Soorah Fussilat 41:34].

[mutu]

thank you for your replies, and yes Musaafir, he does have one sister, his only sibling, she is 2 years younger than me and she speaks english, and she attended the meetings where i sat alone but she feels shy to talk english and she told my husbands reasons why she couldnt keep me company such as doing the dishes after the dinners and so on. but if i am alone with her she doesent have such a problem about speaking english.

The sad thing is that they are very kind people, and i wish to love them very much as my own family, maybe some things that hurts me are considrered normal to them, or that they cant think of the fact that it might hurt me, but things still do happen although they usually appear to be kind to me. and it disturbs my feelings for them. my husband tries to talk to them, and he managed to make them insist less if they want something that i dont want f.ex. so i appreciate his efforts, but all these things come now after a long time, as if the start was incredibly bad and hard, but after much conflict, conversation and struggle to have them realise my position, it seems to get better but it doesent feel like its enough to cover up all the frustration form the past.

are there any surahs i can read to help opress grudges and bad feelings towards people?