Salam Aleikum

[Son Of Wisdom]

Assalamu Aleikum Brothers & sisters,

I've never liked to talk about myself as i consider my life not to be a success. However i recently felt the need to speak to someone or at least to talk to myself by writing these words below.
I'm now a 36 years old man .my life was a strange mixture between success and failure, Faith & Doubt , knowledge and ignorance. the turning point of my life was when i was about 17 or 18 years old. so I can say that my life could be split into two completely contradictory versions : pre-18 and post 18 years old.
before 18 i had a very happy childhood. I was pretty brilliant in my studies and was loved by most of my colleagues, family and friends. I also had a special & strong relationship with Allah swt and Islamic faith.I started praying and reading Koran since i was 7 years old. recently i was feeling put-off and my Mother told me that it was me who shows her the way to Allah .she told me, when i was 6 or 7, i asked her a question about a verse in Koran that i did'nt understood. My Mother didn't knew the answer. This event got her thinking a lot. she was having a life-style that got her away from her religion. She decided to buy books about Islam and started to read so she could answer my questions about Islam ,Koran and prophet Mohammad(pbuh) life. These readings lead her at the end to turn back To Allah and she started practicing islam as a way of life.
My Relation with my Father was -& is till- never good. He was never that Father i always dreamt of and i don't want to say more about that.
Suddenly when i was 17-18 my life started to shake. I was no more that pious young boy who never missed salah in masjid. I was No more that briallant student who works hard & fulfills his duties. I simply just started to go astray.

The punishement was very quick and harsh. when i went to higher studies in university I started feeling rejected & alone. people no more liked me and i no more liked people. My grades started to get very bad and finally I went through depression and all my life fall apart.
I always tried to understand why i was punished harshly like that. Many young people in my age have done things worse than i did & they just kept having a happy life. Probably an explication is that me i had the privilege to know Allah swt very well & when i broke that strong tie with Allah swt , He just left me alone in Life and taught me a hard lesson.
I tried Fixing my relationship with Allah swt.tried to renew my faith but it was never that good. It seems it was too late. i'm still going through though & difficult times. People don't like me .I feel rejected & hated by most people in my surrounding.I'm now living alone in a separate room in my parents home. I suffer social phobia and deep depression. Practicing Salah , Dhikr and reading Koran seems not to do me lot of good. May be i'm not doing this "Ibadah" in the right way. probably my "Tawbah" is not yet pure & sincere.I feel I still need to work hard so that Allah would be pleased with me and relieve me from that pain i went through for very long years.
Well, what i wanted to say from this story is that is it very Dangerous to turn your back to Allah after you know him. people must be warned . beleive me the punishement in this case will be really harsh and unbearable.

May Allah have mercy of Me and of All my brothers and sisters in Islam.

othman.

[Woodrow]

:w: Akhi,

Very good story. Excellent warning for all of us. Jazakallahu Khayran for sharing and welcome to LI.

[Son Of Wisdom]

:w: Akhi,

Very good story. Excellent warning for all of us. Jazakallahu Khayran for sharing and welcome to LI.

Jazakallahu Khayran brother too.
othman.

[Woodrow]

Now the best choice is to reap and share good from your past. Remember, it is never too late to learn and change. One of the best gifts we can share with others is to show them how failure has pained us and be an example of what hurt so badly while we were living in error.

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[*charisma*]

Wa'alaikum Assalam Wa rahmatallahi wa barakatuhu

Welcome to the forums!

Bro maybe you should involve yourself with more Muslims and find people who are closer to the subjects of your studies? I'm sure you can be what you were before if you allow yourself to have hope for the forgiveness of Allah, for Allah is oft-forgiving most merciful, and will surely come to you running. Allah has never left you bro, don't ever think that, for it is us who always fall and stray away, and Allah watches us as we struggle and hears our supplications when we call to Him.

There are many reasons why we stray from the Path of Righteousness, and this is through the will of Allah. It is perhaps to teach us something that we couldn't learn except by failing. You have been through experiences not many of us have had so I'm sure you would serve as a beautiful example and all of us would love to learn more about you and your experiences, bi'idhnillah. Humble yourself and whatever worries you have, place them in Allah's hands and continue to work towards righteousness. No one is perfect and the heart is definitely something that continuously changes its course throughout our life, which is the reason of why we sometimes feel like our iman is in a stable consistency, or as a roller coaster, or just low and difficult to increase.

May Allah guide you and grant you ease through your suffering, ameen.

Fi aman Allah
wa'alaikum asalaam

[Son Of Wisdom]

Wa'alaikum Assalam Wa rahmatallahi wa barakatuhu

Welcome to the forums!

Bro maybe you should involve yourself with more Muslims and find people who are closer to the subjects of your studies? I'm sure you can be what you were before if you allow yourself to have hope for the forgiveness of Allah, for Allah is oft-forgiving most merciful, and will surely come to you running. Allah has never left you bro, don't ever think that, for it is us who always fall and stray away, and Allah watches us as we struggle and hears our supplications when we call to Him.

There are many reasons why we stray from the Path of Righteousness, and this is through the will of Allah. It is perhaps to teach us something that we couldn't learn except by failing. You have been through experiences not many of us have had so I'm sure you would serve as a beautiful example and all of us would love to learn more about you and your experiences, bi'idhnillah. Humble yourself and whatever worries you have, place them in Allah's hands and continue to work towards righteousness. No one is perfect and the heart is definitely something that continuously changes its course throughout our life, which is the reason of why we sometimes feel like our iman is in a stable consistency, or as a roller coaster, or just low and difficult to increase.

May Allah guide you and grant you ease through your suffering, ameen.

Fi aman Allah
wa'alaikum asalaam

Sister & Brother, Jazakum Allahu Khayran.
You know sister, I 've never tried to put responsibility of my failure on the shoulders of others. I've always thought that it is my fault and that the mistreatement of people toword me could only be explained as a punishement from Allah. That's why I worked hard during last 4 years to change and increase my Imman . However it seems like i was trying to make a deal with Allah (swt) -Astaghfiru Allah-. I was like saying: Please Allah I will repent & do right but in exchange I want you to heal me and give me back the Respect and success i was enjoying when i was a child.
Well, it will never work like that! . I'm aware Now of this serious trap i'm still caught in. I'm trying to get reward of my righteous doing and this is Not how things work with Allah swt. I'm now preparing myself to engage in a new phase of my long marsh toward Allah. my new philosophy is : Never expect reward in this life & just be patient until you get rewarded in the here-after. I think if i start to think in this way i'll be in the right path.
Well, I'm still struggling.It is a battle i have to fight alone. Probably one day i'll find that light I've been searching for. It Takes Patience.. Lots of Patience.and that's it.
Jazakum Allah Khayran.
othman.

[glo]

Greetings othman

You have great courage to share your story so openly! :)

May you continue to seek God, and may he grant you all the strength and guidance you need for your journey.

Salaam :)

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

Sister & Brother, Jazakum Allahu Khayran.
You know sister, I 've never tried to put responsibility of my failure on the shoulders of others. I've always thought that it is my fault and that the mistreatement of people toword me could only be explained as a punishement from Allah. That's why I worked hard during last 4 years to change and increase my Imman . However it seems like i was trying to make a deal with Allah (swt) -Astaghfiru Allah-. I was like saying: Please Allah I will repent & do right but in exchange I want you to heal me and give me back the Respect and success i was enjoying when i was a child.
Well, it will never work like that! . I'm aware Now of this serious trap i'm still caught in. I'm trying to get reward of my righteous doing and this is Not how things work with Allah swt. I'm now preparing myself to engage in a new phase of my long marsh toward Allah. my new philosophy is : Never expect reward in this life & just be patient until you get rewarded in the here-after. I think if i start to think in this way i'll be in the right path.
Well, I'm still struggling.It is a battle i have to fight alone. Probably one day i'll find that light I've been searching for. It Takes Patience.. Lots of Patience.and that's it.
Jazakum Allah Khayran.
othman.

Wa iyak. I agree to a certain extent, but certain people not liking you is not your fault. People can just be mean, or weak in their communication with others. For example, if you did something wrong, they don't correct you and you keep making the same mistakes over and over again without realizing it, but to put 100% blame on yourself is unfair.

Also, you shouldn't dwell on your past so much, because doing that decreases the hope that is needed to move from it. Your childhood cannot be compared to your adulthood. There is more innocence and inexperience involved with childhood that slowly changes every moment that we are alive on this earth. With every responsibility that we are handed, every person that we meet, and even the little tidbits of knowledge that we obtain for ourselves gives us more reason to try to increase our iman because it becomes very sensitive to our surroundings and anything could affect it if we don't hold on.

I mean if you consider your responsibility as a child compared to the responsilbilies you have now, it is incomparable. The more people you meet becomes more of an obligation for you to benefit them some way islamically. If they seem to be more righteous than you, then you must humble yourself and learn from them, and in result you will become closer to Allah bi'idhnillah, but if you don't then you will fall in the traps of shaytan and forget your religious duties. Another example is the variety and quantity of responsibilites you have. If you do them with the right intentions and hold the dhikr of Allah, then you will become closer to Allah, but if you forget your intentions and do things in distaste only for little benefit to your iman and for other reasons you'll find yourself with more than you can handle in states of stress and depression. Just the same, every morsel of knowledge that is obtained, if obtained for the sake of Allah, then you will love the path of knowledge and you will learn and teach others for the sake of Allah, and if not then you will try to attain a status that will mean nothing in the afterlife and be around people who will lead you to no where when you think you're going towards the best that life could give.

Anything that isn't done with the right intention drives even the most knowledgable and pious towards pride and arrogance where they will do things for praise or secular negotiations, and with that their iman decreases and they finally find themselves in a pit, where it would become a necessity to leave their arrogance and seek humbleness again.

Go and find others who are seeking to improve their iman and help them by sharing your knowledge and experience, work with them and help them, we're an ummah brother...and we're not here to look down at each other. Perhaps if you helped someone else, just as your mother strived to help you, you will find your iman increasing, and inshallah even better than it was before. To Allah, a repenting slave is better than a slave who does extra deeds, simply because of his humbled nature. Put aside your work and education during your moments of worship, put aside your worries, don't worry about making friends, because when you have Allah, wallahi you have everything you need in this dunyaa. The more you seek His pleasure, the more you will find every single thing that comes your way pleasurable and a blessing, even the hardest of trials. He LOVES to hear your pleas, so cry to him. He LOVES to grant you your wants, so ask of him! And leave behind everything else that will be of no benefit to you. Increase your knowledge of your deen and you will see the beauty of Islam and you will know how to handle your day to day life inshallah.

fi aman allah
w'slaaam

[Son Of Wisdom]

salam sister,
it seems you wrote these words with deep sincerity and i thank you for that

Anything that isn't done with the right intention drives even the most knowledgable and pious towards pride and arrogance where they will do things for praise or secular negotiations, and with that their iman decreases and they finally find themselves in a pit, where it would become a necessity to leave their arrogance and seek humbleness again.
fi aman allah
w'slaaam

these words got me thinking. Sometimes i say to myself that I'm probably obsessed by the idea of selling an image of myself as an educated and important person whereas the Reality Is that I'm Not that Kind of person. I've always tried to discover if I'm -inside my deep heart- an arrogant person who is only looking for showoffs. I admit that this Idea scares me and embrace me a lot. I've always resisted to admit this .but it could be a potential explanation for all my troubles.
Yes sister you are right:"leave my "hidden" arrogance and seek humbleness again".That's the way.however i don't know how i can achieve this. I tried my best to behave in humbleness when i was in university.But i just felt that people interpreted this humbleness as a personality weakness. This just troubled me a lot. I couldn't know how to behave. Should i look strong and confident ? well, people will interpret it as arrogance. Should i behave as a humble man ? people interpret it as shameful weakness in personality. I Hope you understand the sort of difficult dilema i had/have to deal with.
Anyway I think i still have to learn a Lot. Sometimes we know many things about life around us and we just don't know well ourselves.that's a serious problem. Ignorance is the most dangerous enemy one have to deal with.

Baraka Allahu feek.
othman.

[Son Of Wisdom]

Greetings othman

You have great courage to share your story so openly! :)

May you continue to seek God, and may he grant you all the strength and guidance you need for your journey.

Salaam :)

wa aleikum assalam sister and Thank you for kind words . and also for the smiling that made me feel more comfortable. it suggest you had smth to say but you preferred to replace it with a smile :)

[*charisma*]

salam sister,
it seems you wrote these words with deep sincerity and i thank you for that
these words got me thinking. Sometimes i say to myself that I'm probably obsessed by the idea of selling an image of myself as an educated and important person whereas the Reality Is that I'm Not that Kind of person. I've always tried to discover if I'm -inside my deep heart- an arrogant person who is only looking for showoffs. I admit that this Idea scares me and embrace me a lot. I've always resisted to admit this .but it could be a potential explanation for all my troubles.
Yes sister you are right:"leave my "hidden" arrogance and seek humbleness again".That's the way.however i don't know how i can achieve this. I tried my best to behave in humbleness when i was in university.But i just felt that people interpreted this humbleness as a personality weakness. This just troubled me a lot. I couldn't know how to behave. Should i look strong and confident ? well, people will interpret it as arrogance. Should i behave as a humble man ? people interpret it as shameful weakness in personality. I Hope you understand the sort of difficult dilema i had/have to deal with.
Anyway I think i still have to learn a Lot. Sometimes we know many things about life around us and we just don't know well ourselves.that's a serious problem. Ignorance is the most dangerous enemy one have to deal with.

Baraka Allahu feek.
othman.

Wa'alaikum asalaam wa rahmatallahi wa barakatuhu

wa feek

I want you to read this portion of a talk that I read a while back:

Do not let Shaytaan make you think that you are destroyed. When he takes you to a limit of thinking that you cannot be guided or that year by year you have been sinking and now you are at the lowest you have ever been at, since I have embraced Islam, how can I ever achieve that ascent again. Allah's subhanahu wa ta'ala mercy is at hand. That could be Allah's subhanahu wa ta'ala mercy in disguise.

Ibn al Qayyim mentions, “If Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala wants good for someone, he gives him a test which is going to break him.” To make him remember Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and bow down his neck and so he will become small once again to himself. The human being becomes proud and his ego starts to command him and he starts to say ‘I did this…’ and ‘I did that…’ and you will notice it in the conversations of people, that all they see is themselves and not Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala behind every good action. That person deserves to be broken. In fact he needs to be broken, otherwise, step by step, he is being set-up for punishment. Outwardly he is doing good, but his intention is evil and he or she ma not realize it.

[...]

So if Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala wants good for someone then he opens the doors for humility and brokenness, so that person continues to seek from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, and feels poor in front of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, visualizing the weaknesses and faults (the ignorance and the enmity of the self) in the self. If Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala wants good for you, he will make you realize that within your ego, there is evil, there is ignorance, and enmity for your true well being. You will witness this, and feel this with certainty, that if I am left to follow myself then I am following ignorance. If I am left to follow myself, and I don’t know whether if I am on guidance or not, then the anger of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will be upon me, and I will be following something based on faults, meaning my nafs grows on faults.

The nafs, if you feed it with goodness, shrinks, and feels so small in front of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, so fearful before Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala, loves Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala so much and feels so timid. But if the nafs starts to get big, then it is breeding on filth, the najasah, impurity of sin and on pride.

Source

Also:

Mohammed Ibn Khalid Sulami reported that the holy Prophet SAW said:

(Often so it happens that) For a certain Believer, Allah ordains a high position that he cannot achieve by himself. So Allah afflicts him with some physical or material distress or some grief from within his family. Then he is granted the good fortune of being patient. He thus raises him to the high station originally decreed for him. [Abu Dawud, Ahmad]

Another thing to note is what you yourself have said but I don't think you've realized yet:

Should i look strong and confident ? well, people will interpret it as arrogance. Should i behave as a humble man ? people interpret it as shameful weakness in personality. I Hope you understand the sort of difficult dilema i had/have to deal with.

Why do you dwell so much on what people think? It almost seems as a paranoia actually. The truth of society is...you will NEVER be able to please everyone.

Aisha narrated that the Holy Prophet s.a.w. said:

Whoever will seek to please Allah by displeasing men, Allah will make him independent of other people's help and favors and He himself will become sufficient unto him; and whoever will seek to please men by displeasing Allah, Allah will leave him at the mercy of other people. [Tirmidhi]

If your nature is to be humble, then be humble. Is it a weakness? No, its not. In fact, it is much harder to be a humble human being than to it is to be arrogant, and anyone who has this characteristic is definitely holding a treasure that many cannot, because humbleness is a tricky thing, once you think you have it, its gone again :D.

If you want to see the reality of your arrogance then be around people who are better than you in iman so that you can see whether your intentions are as pure as you thought; you'll see your faults; you'll see what you're missing; and if that puts you in a position of humility, then you will strive to be just like them inwardly.

Become a walking example of Islam, despite what people will say. If you are doing the right things, then why should anything else matter?

fi aman allah
w'salaam

[AntiKarateKid]

Dont worry man, Allah burdens people only with what they can bear.

If you have been given such a powerful test, then indeed Allah must belive strongly in you.

Keep persevering because it looks like your reward will be very great!

Read this and continue striving.

"Certainly We shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods, lives, and the fruits of your toil. But give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere. Those who say, when afflicted with calamity, 'To Allah we belong, and to Him is our return.' They are those on whom descend blessings from their Lord, and mercy. They are the ones who receive guidance." (2:155-157)

EDIT: triple post, please delete this one

[AntiKarateKid]

Dont worry man, Allah burdens people only with what they can bear.

If you have been given such a powerful test, then indeed Allah must belive strongly in you.

Keep persevering because it looks like your reward will be very great!

Read this and continue striving.

"Certainly We shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods, lives, and the fruits of your toil. But give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere. Those who say, when afflicted with calamity, 'To Allah we belong, and to Him is our return.' They are those on whom descend blessings from their Lord, and mercy. They are the ones who receive guidance." (2:155-157)


EDIT: triple post, please delete this one

[AntiKarateKid]

Dont worry man, Allah burdens people only with what they can bear.

If you have been given such a powerful test, then indeed Allah must belive strongly in you.

Keep persevering because it looks like your reward will be very great!

Read this and continue striving.

"Certainly We shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods, lives, and the fruits of your toil. But give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere. Those who say, when afflicted with calamity, 'To Allah we belong, and to Him is our return.' They are those on whom descend blessings from their Lord, and mercy. They are the ones who receive guidance." (2:155-157)

Still worrying? Well fear not!

Verily, with every difficulty there is relief.
Verily, with every difficulty there is relief.
Qur'an 94:5-6

[Son Of Wisdom]

Jazakum Allahu Khayran brothers and sisters.
there were quit interesting replies. However i'm not feeling good today & need to get some rest for a while. I will certainly get back to respond later Inshaallah.
Please don't forget me in your Duaa .

Salam aleikum wa rahmatuAllah wa barakatuh.