Reasonable amount of time to be engaged

[AnonymousPoster]

:sl:

What is a reasonable amount of time to be engaged before getting married?

In my mind I always wanted to be engaged for two years with someone before we got married. This would give me enough time to get to know them before getting married. My Fiance agreed with me when we first got engaged over the summer. She said two years was perfect. But now everything has changed.

She wants to get married this summer and is upset that I don't want to. She feels that I don't love her which is not true at all as I love her very much. I just want more time to get to know her better. What makes matters worse is that she lives in another country and, from the sounds of it, she is growing really tired of being there. She wants to live with me now.

How would you handle this? I keep jumping back and forth between going through the 2 years or getting married this year. Its driving both of us crazy.

[crayon]

Two years is pretty long...
Even a year is kind of long, tbh.

And I think you and your fiance' should come to some sort of compromise.. Sometime midway between what you want and what she wants.

[Muezzin]

Five seconds.

...in some rural communities.

On Mars.

[AnonymousPoster]

I thought about that but to make matters worse she wants a spring summer wedding. Which would only leave getting married this summer or next year. On that she is not flexible.

Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, you can participate in the discussions and share your thoughts. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and make new friends.
Sign Up

[crayon]

Well..
If the wedding is this summer, you will have been engaged for a year, yeah? So half of 2 years, which is a compromise.

But really, as long as you've spent some time together and gotten to know each other a little, not much is going to change, whether you're engaged for a year or two or even a couple of months. It doesn't take 2 years to figure out what a person is like.

[MO783]

:sl:

I personally would have nikah so you make it halal to saty in touch and then do ruksati may be a few months later

[sshussain]

If all the provisions are available for you to get married, then you should. And as you stated that you love her then, just go for it. What's the reason to wait to get to know her???? every one of use will have some short comings and you can't really find a perfect person on the face of this earth to get married.
So, go get it done sooon. :satisfie:

[AnonymousPoster]

I do love her but I have doubts. I guess its natural to have doubts, cold feet and all, but I would like to go into my marriage knowing I want to spend the rest of my life with her. At this point I really can't say that. Though my fear now is that if I stay the course and wait two years then she will lost heart. The other is that if I change and get married now she will be concerned as well. She has already said that she doesn't want to marry me this year if she knows I have doubts about it.

This is all so confusing.

[anonymous]

You're meant to be sure before getting engaged

The time for doubt comes before engagement

Istikharah is what should have cleared your doubts BEFORE engagement

Engagement is NOT a trial period to see how you like a person

The engagement is a commitment in itself

If there is nothing else stopping you, get married ASAP.

[AnonymousPoster]

You're meant to be sure before getting engaged

The time for doubt comes before engagement

Istikharah is what should have cleared your doubts BEFORE engagement

Engagement is NOT a trial period to see how you like a person

The engagement is a commitment in itself

If there is nothing else stopping you, get married ASAP.

What if you never new the person before getting engaged. You were introduced by family but you never met them or spoke to them before. How can you know?

[anonymous]

Whats done is done and may Allah bless you both. Ameen. What I'd do in your position would be to make istikharah several times more and then get the nikkah done. I understand how she must feel. Waiting is never nice

[BNDGR]

Asalam alaikum brother,
The sad part of your post is that you have gotten engaged to this women, and yet you still have doubts even after a year of knowing her?
Adding another year of "Knowing" her will not make everything concrete.
I feel sorry for this sister, she is ready and your so unsure?
Be fair to her and pray istikhara and make nikkah, or if you cannot get thru your doubts you should let her go to marry someone else.
Womens hearts are fragile and men tend to be more up in the air with thier emotions. Please be fair to this sister and don't string her along.
Please dont take offense to this it is just coming from a women's point of view.

[zanjabeela]

What if you never new the person before getting engaged. You were introduced by family but you never met them or spoke to them before. How can you know?

:sl:
You can never really know. You can really only know after you get married. Then, the real getting-to-know-you begins. Now, all you can determine if you want to get to know this woman better (i.e. marry her) or not. If you're unsure, then ask yourself why you are hesitating. Make a list of things you like about her and things that bother you. Decide if the things you like are enough to get going on, and if the things that bother you are really significant. And of course, pray salat al isthikhara and ask Allah to guide you.

Do not play a forever-waiting game. Her time is expensive. So is yours. I'm surprised she and her family agreed to wait two years. They must be incredibly gracious people. MashaAllah.

:w: