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_PakistaN_
02-13-2009, 07:41 AM
Ever since I was 13 my mom kept telling me I was going to get married to one of my cousins. I swear I turned blue after that and I was grossed out. For about 2 months I wasn't acting like myself. Was that right of her?

Ever since then shes been asking me which girl I want to marry. She always asks me from my 3 cousins, I keep saying no to them and she keeps bringing them back like I have no other options. Especially within the recent two months now that my sister got married (2 months ago). Even my dad is talking to my mom about which girl I'm getting married to.

The thing is I'm only 18 and my parents want me to get married fast like I'm gonna turn 40 tommarrow. Everytime I tell my mom I will get married at a young age, around 25. She still says by 21 or 22.

To be quite honest I'm pretty pissed off. Today my mom was driving me and started the topic again. This time I talked straight up, i said if u keep harassing me like this im gonna leave the house. I told her leave me the **** alone, I'm only 18. I don't even got a proper job yet so why you keep bugging me. I swear to god even though she wants me to get married in like 3 years I feel as if i'm getting married tommarrow. If this keeps up I'm gonna take a searious action.
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zanjabeela
02-13-2009, 07:56 AM
:sl:
First of all (and please don't take offense to what I'm about to say), you need to chill out just a bit. I hope you really didn't tell your mom to "leave me the **** alone" because that's just plain disrespectful. Your mother has the right to expect you to tolerate her. That is her Islamic right. And you have the right to say no, in a way that is adult-like, mature, reasonable...and that is your Islamic right. Try not to lose your cool...no matter how hard it is. Go make wudhu. Pray in your mind if you're "trapped" in a car with this subject repeating endlessly.

Moving on...Perhaps it would be a good idea to tell your mother that this is the time for you to get ready to get married: you need to finish your education, settle yourself financially, figure out who you are before you can figure out who to marry. Framing your argument in a logical way, with logical constraints, might make it easier for her to understand why it's not possible for you to say yes to the marriage thing just yet.

Also, try to understand where she is coming from. Ask your parents why they want you to get married so soon? What's the rush?

Communicate in more than simple yes and no terms. Dig deeper in your soul to explain why you want to get married at a later time. And dig deeper into your parents' minds to understand why they are insisting on this.

Hopefully, others who've been in your situation will pitch in with some advice. Take care and good luck!

:w:
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noorseeker
02-13-2009, 07:59 AM
My case is the opposite as no one is saying anything at all . im 27.

But i would feel the way you do if it was always brought up. just tell them politely, mum , dad , you want me to get married in 3,4 years time, can we not bring it up till then, try and show them you are not ready to get married.
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_PakistaN_
02-13-2009, 08:01 AM
I already told her this and she keeps bringing it back. keeps bringing it back keeps bringing it back keeps bringing it back keeps bringing it back
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index123
02-13-2009, 09:09 AM
next time she brings it up kindly try to steer her to the question of where are you gonna get your money from? or Try changing the subject to career matters and stuff.. also be honest with her and say something like when two people get married, that don't really want to get married, there marriage is either miserable and ruins their entire lives, or they eventually start loving eachother the first situation is more likely to happen if you have no financial means to support her. And I totally understand you when comes to the whole thing about having such an important matter forced down your throat by someone else.. It kind of gives you the feeling that your life does not belong to you but I'am sure your mom probably means well by it she just does not understand your life plans. Maybe you should ask her about what she thinks a good life for you would be and you might get an idea of what shes getting at. Secondly pray to Allah(swt) that she would stop asking you that lol.. he would solve it for you easily and I will make dua for you on that matter aswell bro
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Zahida
02-13-2009, 09:10 AM
:sl: Chill little one she is your mother and only wants the best for you and desires your happiness!!!

However it is wrong of her to push you if she knows that this is not what you want at this time.......

You need to sit with her and be honest tell her how much you love and respect her, but how you wish to further your education/career in order to be able to give you ,your future wife and any children Allah may Bless you with. Tell her you do want to get married but not yet. Use your words carefully and wisely little one and try not to hurt her, she does only have your best intentions in her heart, as does any mother for her child.

I am sure that if you talk with your mum in this easy and friendly manner she will be understanding. InshaAllah and this will help you to open up a whole new relationship with your mother. Ameen.:w::)
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Hafswa
02-13-2009, 09:41 AM
Salaam,
I agree with the others that your mum only wants what's best for you and that you should have a heart to heart with her. The success of this however, depends on whether you already have a good understanding between the 2 of you and also how well you present your case.
I'm sure if you site examples of relative who unfortunately got married at a tender age and it did not go well explaining some of the issues you think caused the break up, she would understand you. Also communicate the issue of you being able to appreciate your partner or your suitor, being able to provide for her both material and emotionally which will be hard since your heart is not there. Clearly state that you are not opposing marriage as a whole but you are not ready yet to take up the responsibily and would like to achieve certain things before this.
I'm saying du'a for you that you will find favor in your mums heart of understanding.
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sevgi
02-13-2009, 10:02 AM
:sl:

Funny thing. I read the bleeped out word as 'hell'..lol

But on a serious note.

Your parents think they know what is best for you. Usually, they do. But sometimes, they forget that their child is not devoid of rational thinking and decision making.

I understand their logic. Wanting their nieces as daughters in law is always a secure option. They trust that their siblings have brought up daughters who are probably pretty nifty young women.

The problem is that the security which lies in said marriage option is a safety net, not so much for you, but for your parents.

There are two options you can choose from.

1. Marry your cousin. Your parents will be happy and know that their son is in good hands. I doubt that she will be a bad wife as she will respect you alongside respecting and caring for your parents.

2. Tell your parents that the thought of marrying your cousin is so disgusting to you that you will almost certainly ruin her life, hence demeaning the family name. You will make a bad son in law if you do not show your cousin/wife affection and your parents will look bad. Tell your parents you promise to choose a wife who is suitable for your family but is many times better than your cousin for the sheer fact that you will love her.

As for the age thing. The more you scream and shout with your parents, the worse and harder you are going to make communication with them. When it actually matters, you wont be able to speak to them. I have a motto. "Never under-estimate the power of communication" or "Communication does wonders."

It really does. I know that you may be a sceptic at the moment and you feel as though they are alien to your world...but chances are, they are just as stubborn as you are. Just you speak to them as their loving son and tell them that you will make these huge life desicions when the times comes and the more they speak to you about it, the more turned off you get.

If all forms of civil communication fail, I don't know what you can do bro. That is your test. The Pakistani guy my Australian bestfriend wanted to marry for like five years ended up caving in. They married him off while he was on holiday there. I could never comprehend how 'ahem' his parents were. I guess I never will.

Whatever happens, just know that you are too young now. Focus on what is really important and try to block them out.

ps: Maybe you should try treating your cousins like crap...then they wont want to marry you :P Hehehe.

Ws. Take it easy peasy brother.
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Hafswa
02-13-2009, 12:08 PM
Salaam,
I agree with the others that your mum only wants what's best for you and that you should have a heart to heart with her. The success of this however, depends on whether you already have a good understanding between the 2 of you and also how well you present your case.
I'm sure if you site examples of relative who unfortunately got married at a tender age and it did not go well explaining some of the issues you think caused the break up, she would understand you. Also communicate the issue of you being able to appreciate your partner or your suitor, being able to provide for her both material and emotionally which will be hard since your heart is not there. Clearly state that you are not opposing marriage as a whole but you are not ready yet to take up the responsibily and would like to achieve certain things before this.
I'm saying du'a for you that you will find favor in your mums heart of understanding.
Reply

sshussain
02-13-2009, 03:18 PM
As Salaam Alikum,
The best thing is to do Istikhara and ask Allah for guidance and help. Tell your mom that you need some time to think about and will only follow what Allah will show you in istikhara.
DO NOT REJECT HERE OUTRIGHT. She is the one who brought you in this world, bore you for 9 months as a part of her body and kept you alive when you didn't even know how to take care of yourself, now when you have grown independent you want to disobey her in the most cruel manner.
Treat her in the most excellent way, for Jannah lies under her feet.

May Allah guide us all to attain Jannah.
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sami922
01-16-2011, 02:48 AM
Hi, i'm going through a similar problem at the moment, but my mother is forcing me to either: find a husband, OR she'll find one for me (and you know if she does he'll be a 40 year old man with a family) OR! She'll send me off to somalia! Baring in mind im only 18 at the moment! I tried my best to speak to all my sisters but nobody is taking me seriously because the situation is SO serious nobody even believes it! :/ all i can honestly tell you is to try your best to convince one of your parents that your not ready,because im trying my best to! and please treat your mother with respect! insha'allah it'll all go well for you! and i seriously hope the best!

Wish me luck!
xx
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Pygoscelis
01-16-2011, 03:16 PM
Originally Posted by _PakistaN_
Ever since I was 13 my mom kept telling me I was going to get married to one of my cousins. I swear I turned blue after that and I was grossed out. For about 2 months I wasn't acting like myself. Was that right of her?

Ever since then shes been asking me which girl I want to marry. She always asks me from my 3 cousins, I keep saying no to them and she keeps bringing them back like I have no other options. Especially within the recent two months now that my sister got married (2 months ago). Even my dad is talking to my mom about which girl I'm getting married to.

The thing is I'm only 18 and my parents want me to get married fast like I'm gonna turn 40 tommarrow. Everytime I tell my mom I will get married at a young age, around 25. She still says by 21 or 22.

To be quite honest I'm pretty pissed off. Today my mom was driving me and started the topic again. This time I talked straight up, i said if u keep harassing me like this im gonna leave the house. I told her leave me the **** alone, I'm only 18. I don't even got a proper job yet so why you keep bugging me. I swear to god even though she wants me to get married in like 3 years I feel as if i'm getting married tommarrow. If this keeps up I'm gonna take a searious action.
You are 18... you are an adult. Be your own man. Your parents do not control you. Imagine if you did get married at their urging, then it didn't work out with your wife becasue you rushed in to things, and then you wind up resenting your parents for the rest of your life.
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Tyrion
01-16-2011, 07:59 PM
Originally Posted by Pygoscelis
You are 18... you are an adult. Be your own man. Your parents do not control you. Imagine if you did get married at their urging, then it didn't work out with your wife becasue you rushed in to things, and then you wind up resenting your parents for the rest of your life.
This, but do it with a bit more respect... Telling your mother to "leave you the **** alone" seems a little inappropriate, and there are better ways of letting your parents know that this isn't what you want. I'm pretty sure that Islamically your parent's cannot force you into a marriage you don't want... But at the same time, as a Muslim, you need to show them more respect...
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Perseveranze
01-16-2011, 08:13 PM
Asalaamu Alaikum,

Most people have already answered you what I was gonna say, but let me just re-literate, please don't talk to your Mum with disrespect, no matter what she says or does. The Quran has made it VERY clear that we should always respect our parents.
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ardianto
01-17-2011, 02:35 AM
Originally Posted by Tyrion

This, but do it with a bit more respect... Telling your mother to "leave you the **** alone" seems a little inappropriate, and there are better ways of letting your parents know that this isn't what you want. I'm pretty sure that Islamically your parent's cannot force you into a marriage you don't want... But at the same time, as a Muslim, you need to show them more respect...
If the guy doesn't want to marry the girl, and the girl doesn't want to marry the guy, they can tell their parents to cancel this marriage planning. Maybe their parent will agree.

But if the guy doesn't want to marry the girl while the girl has been fall in love with the guy ..........????

It heard like Asian soapbox opera.
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IbnAbdulHakim
01-17-2011, 08:25 AM
you LUCKER




is all i gotta say



you LUCKING LUCK MUFFIN




(for having parents who want to get you married young)
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Ansariyah
01-17-2011, 02:10 PM
No one has any right to marry u to anyone u dont want to marry. Its ur Islamic right to refuse. Tell ur mom ina kind way that ur not interested. She seems persistant, be patient.
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Cabdullahi
01-17-2011, 08:59 PM
seize the opportunity my son

before you dabble in something else
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Ramadhan
01-18-2011, 01:12 AM
I wished I'd married younger. Most of my problems in my "jahiliyya time" I could trace to my status as being single.
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