so so so stuck please help

[AnonymousPoster]

The people who sin a lot do they deserve any happiness in life. I have committed many mistakes in my life one of them which consist of being in a haram relationship before marriage. Now that im married and at a age where im looking through my life and just recalling on the things I have done I come to realise that I have made lot of mistakes in my life which I feel so ashamed of and sometimes cant believe I was such a silly girl and let my self go through all that I just feel like really want to hurt my self but I know that’s wrong. Than I am left with no options I just feel all down and depressed my past just keep on haunting me even though I try to get on with normal things but it really gets me down. Sometimes I just don’t see the point of carrying out with all the sins I have committed I am a better person now I pray and pray for forgiveness but I just cant forgive myself or move on from it but I just feel so ashamed of my self that I have no care for my self.

I was pressured into a marriage a year ago in abroad and it has been on the rock since I been married. There has been nothing developed between us it doesn’t even feel like a marriage except for the feeling of trapped and sadness. Day by day the marriage just brings me down and doesn’t make feel worth anything I don’t even know what im doing in it or what im suppose to be in it I don’t even know how to act towards him all I feel is pain and all I do is cry. I just don’t know what life im living I don’t know how long I could live a life without feeling anything except empty. I feel like I have no control over my life the worst thing is I don’t even know why I find it so hard there’s nothing much wrong with him he tries to a husband but I just don’t see him as a husband he just feels like a stranger to me I tried to get to know him but we just don’t have anything to chat about I just cant be myself around him. It’s just a constant battle within everyday I have to force my self to be nice to him and be the wife they want me to be but I don’t know how long I can be just some body everyone else wants me to be. I want to be happy in it I really do because I know its what all my family wants and I really don’t want to hurt everyone an him but I don’t know how long I can hurt my self. I have no idea what to do I keep going around in circles I keep thinking all those reason why I should be with him and why I should just be happy in it and get on with it. I think of all the faults in my self and all the reason why I should be lucky that I am even married. But they don’t help they make me feel worse I get into more of a depression zone. I think of all his good qualities compared to mines but they don’t help either.

But I just feel that I deserved it for the bad person I am. Who am I to complain and ask for happiness I don’t think I deserve any happiness. Surely the person I am married to hasn’t done bad things as me they never been in a relationship outside marriage which makes them a better person than me so why should they get a bad name because of me. I’m not asking for people to tell me what to do but I just wanted to get some opinions. Should a person be in a married because they scared they be alone and they don’t feel worth loving and they fell that they don’t have right to be burden on some one else.

[sshussain]

As salaam alikum,
May be children could provide much needed happiness.

In sha Allah Kair. Make dua to Allah, its all you can do.

[zanjabeela]

:sl:
Have you thought about who you are, what you are, beyond the sins that you have committed? Those sins are in the past, may Allah forgive you for them (ameen)...so who are you today? What is your life about now? Your husband sounds like someone you could be happy with, once you've found happiness in yourself. I have to agree with bro Alpha...the whispers of shaytaan are not letting you progress in life.

Discover yourself, and you'll find that you're more than your sins. Find some activity that gives meaning to your life. If you have the time, volunteer a bit of it to those in need in your community, such as orphaned children, or homeless people. Find a way to appreciate life. Don't give up on your marriage unless there is something truly wrong with it...and it really sounds like there is nothing wrong there.

You're not in a marriage because you are scared to be alone. You're in a marriage because this was written for you. You are blessed to have been bestowed with a partner in life who seems like a worthy man, mashaAllah. Make the most of it by living up to the opportunity you've been given. Don't throw it away...and don't throw away the chance to find a better you.

:w:

[AnonymousPoster]

Thankyou all for your reply

I used to know who I was I used to be a confident and career minded person with so many ambitions and goals and mashaallah with hard work I have accomplished quite a bit. But non of that matters anymore because I just people im not appreciated by anybody he doesn’t realise the difference if I work hard or not it just all meaning less now. None of it seems important. I don’t know what everyone expects of me they just want me to get on with it and be happy. When I cry they just dont understand why I cry or whats wrong with me sometimes I cant even explain it to myself whats wrong with me all I feel is empty.

I used to be the one who tried to cheer people up when theirs down or provide advice and support. Everybody around me thinks im a good person I try my best not to say anything or do anything to hurt people I try to put peoples feelings before mine even if that ends up hurting myself at the end. Just by doing that it has led me to this position everyone wanted to me to get married so I just got married to keep everybody happy. Now that im in the marriage I don’t know what im doing in it I just feel stuck. I have tried being the wife im suppose to be but that didn’t get me any happiness its just I was doing it as a duty more than anything hoping and thinking with time things may grow but there jus no connection he cant relate to me and I cant relate to him.

I just think to myself how I could be good person when I have done so many bad things in my past. I just feel their got to be a reason why im in this situation their most be something I have done to angry Allah so much that he has put this restless unsettle and anxiety inside me. The only reason I can find is the things I have done in the past I just think maybe if I didn’t sin in my past maybe I would be happier in my marriage. I just keep going around in circles thinking all the reason that could have caused all this. I’m just in it because I don’t want to hurt everyone around me but I don’t know how long I could just carry on and live just sake of everyone’s happiness and for shame and honour.

I hope allah forgives me for saying anything wrong or if I have said anything out of context but this just the way I been feeling and that’s all I know I don’t want to say too much specially on a forum but I don’t know where else to go or who else to talk to. I don’t know any scholars or counsellors and I just don’t know how to open up to them.
But there just so much more to it than that He is a nice person and since I have become practising his become practising as well. Don’t get me wrong I don’t blame him I don’t blame him at al but I just blame myself and the situation and I think the person I am and that way I am causes all this. I have always been independent and always done things my self and supported my self through out my life. I just look for support in him that I don’t get I guess I should stop expecting things. I want my heart to go towards him but it just doesn’t happen one thing or other just comes in the way. it just everyday im fighting against my self and forcing my self to try and try I don’t know when time will come where I can just be and that’s that and get on with things without forcing my self to be certain way its just exhausting trying to stay positive and living upto everyone expectation. Everything I do feels like not good enough. I want to build something cause I know it would make life a lot easier when we spend time together it doesn’t feel like were together if we go restaurant we just go an eat and come back I mean you go somewhere to enjoy being with the person but I just feel like im there by myself we’ll just sit there and eat. Or if we go shopping we just be walking looking around it doesn’t feel like were there with each other. That’s why all this things come into my head because I just feel like im all alone all the time even when im out and im with some body I feel like im there by myself. Than he will ask me whats wrong why am I always down why cant I be happy. But he never says anything to make thigs better but just questions and tells me how I should feel and not feel.

I told him I want to take things slow and sometimes I don’t be in the mood for physical contact because of the way it makes me feel afterwards. But he just doesn’t understand and tries to make me feel more guilty and tells me how much of big sin im committing because he has right over me. When I don’t response to the way he wants he just brings my confidence down by telling me how I should be and why I shouldn’t be the way im being towards him. Than he compares me to my mother and his mother and gives me lecture of how much hard life they had and they got on with it. He says things like im just a girl nothing more than that so why do I act the way he thinks of me in a way that im not he thinks it’s because of the culture. He says that Allah is watching and I should be careful the way I act he is my husband. He thinks I don’t respect anyone or fear anything he even doubts I fear Allah how can he even say that if I dint fear allah I could have walked out of it ages ago but through the pain im sticking to it. He’ll say things like that than apologise and expect me to forget about it and just act as normal. I have been brought up in im like that. He makes me feel I have no value or worth. therefore he doesn’t understand why Im the way I am and why im so unhappy in it but he just expects things of me even when I don’t want to do anything I have told him how I feel but he just ask why do I feel like that there’s no reason for me to feel like that.

He wants me to be all lovvy dovvy with him but how can I just be certain way if I don’t feel that way. I told him just give me some time to adjust to things and let things develop but he just says how much more time do you want he thinks no matter how much time it takes I never be happy in it. But how do I say to him that those very things that he says to me make things worse. We would argue than he would just expect me to forget about it and be all happy and get on like nothing happened. But he says its easy if I tried he just thinks im not trying hard enough he says I know you didn’t wanna get married but just forget about it and get on with it its easy if you try. He thinks im punishing him and doesn’t understand why I be the way I do towards him he just says his not doing anything wrong or his not abusing me so why cant I just get on with it. He says he had so many dreams and hopes about marriage life but he didn’t think it would be this way. But so did I have such hopes and dreams about my marriage I told him I wasn’t sure on getting married but even he tried to persuade me and now he just wants things to happen automatically. He just compares us to other couples and says why cant I be like that I have explained to him our situation is different he needs to understand that.

I want to share my feelings with him but every time I try to explain to him or try to express my self he just doesn’t understand what I find so hard to accept about the marriage. But at the same time I try to talk to him and I want him to get to know me but I just feels he doesn’t know me or understand me at all. We cant even sit and chat we just have nothing to talk about it just utter silence and it just frustrates me. I want to be myself with him talk have a laugh and jokes but it just doesn’t happen the different communication doesn’t help either. I just feel like im in a relationship with myself he’ll just talk about his stuff and thats that he’ll ask how I am and what im doing but that’s that the conversation never flows It just one or two words or general things there’s never deep conversations and I hate the most our mentality and the way we look at things so different so sometimes I rather not say anything cause it would just get me angry. I just feel like my opinions or views are not important or who I am as a person is not important I don’t want to feel like that but that’s just how I feel.

He just confuses me about the person I am I don’t know what im doing right or what im doing wrong he makes me forget who I am I don’t even no my self anymore. I don’t know why I feel the way I feel or why it brings me so down the situation just drains me. I don’t know if its just all in my head or if im just causing all this trouble. I hate the fact that all this is happening just becaue of me and no matter what I do I keep making mess of things im just running out of options.
I cant even explain to my self why than everyone says to me whats wrong I just want him to just let me be and let things happen naturally without putting the pressure on me. I don’t wanna hurt anyone but it just feels like no matter what I do one way or another it ends up hurting people. Everyone says to me why do I be like that I just feel like his the innocent one and im just causing all this. He says if i ever leave him he doesnt know what he will do it would just break him. Hearing that makes me feel more bad cause i know i cant leave him i know i wont be able to hurt him.

I can’t help but be depress about it I keep having nervous break down from no where no matter where I am it just happens from nowhere. I just don’t know which way to go I just wanna run far as I can sometimes I think of doing some really silly things but I know I gotta hang in there just sake of my religion. Sometime I think everyone would be better of if I wasn’t here if Allah took my life at least all those people would stop hurting because of me. Im not benefiting anyone by being here or my self im not doing anything productive. I pray but I heard some one say what’s the point of praying if you cant fulfil your day to day duties and be a good person. Than I give up everything all together sometime I even stop praying because I feel so pathetic and not even worth complaining and making dua how can a sinning person like my self ask forgiveness and ask for happiness when I know I don’t deserve any. I don’t want to go to a counsellor I just find my problem not even worth talking about a person like me doesn’t even deserve to be wasted time on.